While waiting for #1GF! to get out the door this morning, I was sitting on the bed and singing to the baby. “Ear way in hay ee thay uney may. Ear way in hay ee thay uney may.”
#1GF! snapped out of her morning routine for a second. “Wait. What are you singing?”
I shrugged and repeated. “Ear way in hay ee thay uney may.”
#1GF! shook her head. “What is it? Did you make it up?”
It wasn’t an invalid question. It’s not entirely uncommon for me to make up songs. “No, I’m singing ‘We’re in the Money’.”
“Oh my god.”
“It’s Pig Latin.”
“Oh. my. god. She knows a handful of words and you’re already branching out into Pig Latin? Is that a good idea?”
I shook my head. “It’s from this movie from 1933 called Gold Diggers. Ginger Rogers sings it.”
“So…you’re singing it in Pig Latin.”
“She did too.”
“No, she didn’t.”
“Oh, yes she did.”
“In 1933.” #1GF! dipped her chin. “Riiight.”
“Really. It’s an old-school, big-production dance number until the camera gets right up in her face and she starts singing in Pig Latin. I’m telling you. It’s really weird.”
#1GF! shook her head. “How do you find these things?”
I mistakenly thought it was an actual question. “Well, during a writing break yesterday, I was looking for a little history on Esquivel, and Wikipedia called him the ‘The Busby Berkley of Cocktail Music.’ So, I was like, ‘Who the hell is Busby Bixby,’ and—”
#1GF! patted my chest. “Okay. I have to go.”
“You’ll see. I’m going to find the video for you.”
She kissed me as if she were patting my head. “Love you, gotta run.”
I recently had the following conversation with #1GF!…
#1GF!: [Underappreciated Worker] just told me that he’s thinking of pulling a Dyer right now. He’s going to make “Dyer” a verb like “did you hear about [co-worker who quit]? He just Dyered yesterday.” Me: Awe. Some. #1GF!: It made me laugh. Me: It’s the opposite of getting Dooced. #1GF!: Why’s that? Me: To get Dooced is to get fired for your blog. To Dyer is to suddenly quit for your blog. #1GF!: Here’s a quote: “Well, now I’m going to go home…drink beer, and dyer all over my bathroom floor” Me: Wait, what? #1GF!: He used it as a verb. Me: Wait, now “dyer” means “throw up”? #1GF!: He just said that he wanted you to know that using it just made him feel better. Me: Does “dyer” mean “suddenly quit” or “throw up”? #1GF!: Quit at first, then throw up. Me: Hold on now. You can’t just randomly throw a word around and have it mean anything you want. English doesn’t work like that. You can’t say things like “It’s Dyer to Dyer a Dyer, To Dyer a Dyer that’s right on Dyer. It’s Dyer…it’s Dyer (Dyer) Dyer (Dyer)”. This isn’t the f’ing smurfs.
The title, “I’m going to help you up the stairs”, was changed to illustrate potential problems with this new linguistic proposal.
Are Imperial Stormtroopers really the disposable, brain-dead killers that the media makes them out to be? Contrary to popular belief, very few are. For most, Stormtrooping is just a way to pay the rent and keep food on the table. Because of its potential negative impact on the Empire’s ruthless image, this information has always been a tightly guarded secret.
Until now.
Thanks to some recently obtained photos, we now have indisputable proof that when they’re not out crushing the Rebellion, most Imperial Stormtroopers live their lives just like you and I.
What do they do when they’re not on duty? We now know that they…
While #1GF! and I were out looking for houses this past weekend, we came across a house that was priced very low for its size due to foreclosure. We’ve seen foreclosures before, but the house was empty and not nearly as destroyed as some we’ve seen, despite a lot of the fixtures being missing.
After walking through a doorway that had obviously been sealed shut with masking tape, I was faced with giant words like “NOT FAIR” and “COME HOME” written on the walls in magic marker. I didn’t understand the masking tape, but I assumed that the messages were due to the previous owner being upset about the foreclosure. In the next room, I found a girl’s name and two dates written in marker on the inside of a closet with the words “16 years and 53 days”. It started to feel like whoever had been foreclosed on may have also been dealing with the death of a teenager.
The house was incredibly huge, and I was torn between an incredibly good deal and the heavy air of sadness in the house. While I was forcing myself to remember that buying a house that was already foreclosed on was not taking anything further from the previous owner, I came across a tiny note scrawled on the kitchen doorway that convinced me it was time to move on. The note read,
Every week, #1GF! will sit down and read the police report from our local town newspaper. In the city this would be rather depressing, but in a small town, it often turns up some amusing items. This week, she found this gem:
“11:34 PM: Caller reports a man in a gorilla costume doing Karate moves in the street. She finds this to be very suspicious. Officer detailed reported that suspect found the costume in the basement and was goofing around.”
On a Related Note: Kung Fu Gorilla vs. Aquaman
Now, if that Kung Fu Gorilla was on the scene when the following video took place, Aquaman might have not been victorious. I had to watch this twice just to make sure of what I was seeing, and I am forced to wonder if something is seriously wrong with kids today. Doodleoodleooo AquaMAAAAA HAN!
I don’t know about you, but every time I hear the Super Mario theme, I feel like a big nerd. It’s a theme that any gamer over a certain age can hum off the top of their heads, and when people put their efforts into playing it, I end up grinning like a dope.
And I’m not alone. Below are the results of sifting through hundreds of videos to try to find the theme played on as many instruments as possible. I ended up with 43 decent renditions, covering brass, woodwinds, string and percussion instruments. The top ten is below, and the full 44 is listed at the bottom.
Before you proceed, be warned that I claim no responsibility if the Super Mario Theme is still stuck in your head next Tuesday.
Update 4/16/08: The RC car video was added at #2, pushing “Flute (with beatboxing) out of the top 10. Technically, the list is now 45 ways.
The Top 10 Super Mario Renditions
10. High school band
The odds are extremely high that the only person in this video that was alive to play Super Mario Brothers when it came out was the teacher. And a high school band is obligatory in this type of list, anyway, isn’t it? You know it is.
9. Contrabassoon
There’s something about the sound of the contrabassoon that cracks me up. And Richard plays it for us fabulously, even though he can’t get the camera situated the way he’d like.
8. Two Electric Guitars
Two guitars. One kid. I haven’t seen anything like this since Satan unleashed his metal fury in Rock n Roll Nightmare.
7. 11 String Bass
When I form my world-conquering metal band, The Mighty Fist of Thor, this guy is getting an invite to audition. He will invariably deem the music to be below his abilities, get a PhD in Music History, and die never knowing the gratification that comes with doing twelve chicks from eleven countries at the same time in a tour bus hot tub. At least he made it to evil number six on the list though, right?
6. Balalaika (Russian folk guitar)
While this version isn’t played the most accurately, I have never seen anyone play a folk instrument with such a rock star attitude. And considering he’s playing the Super Mario Theme, I’m guessing the reason is either insanity or nuts the size of Titan. In either case, this guy is also getting an invite to the Mighty Fist of Thor auditions, assuming my agent can find his tiny village in Russia.
5. Alto sax
Notice that this kid is not only in the standard rock star stance, but he plays the song in the style of Lisa Simpson.
4. Ballpoint Pen
While not yet accepted as a standard orchestral instrument, the ballpoint pen takes slot number 3. I think my favorite part of this is the “This is just an ordinary pen” move at the beginning, as if he’s about to do some sort of remarkable magic trick with it.
3. Beer Bottles
“Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.” Oh no? Well, it gets you famous on YouTube, now doesn’t it? Yes, and it gets you the number two slot on this list.
2. RC Car and Bottles
Take a lot of bottles, a radio controlled car, an underground garage, and the Japanese and throw them in a blender and you know that something awesome is going to be unleashed. This was a late addition that knocked “flute (with beatboxing)” off the top ten list, debuting at #2.
1. Tesla Coil
These guys jack it up to 88 miles an hour and play the Super Mario Theme with 1.21 gigawatts of power. Seriously. How can you beat that? 1.21 gigawatts!? 1.21 gigawatts!? Great Scott! the only power source capable of generating 1.21 gigawatts of electricity is… Mario.
If you haven’t gotten enough, yet, continue on. I take no responsibility for any further damage you do to your nerdy little synapses…
I understand that very few of you are going to get this, so here goes:
Metalocalypse is a cartoon about a death metal band named Dethklok. In episode 13, the lead singer, Nathan Explosion, has a dream that the rest of his band is pecked to death by birds. Because he is too stupid to do anything else, Nathan is forced to go to work at a fast food restaurant.
The restaurant is called Dimmu Burger.
Dimmu Borgir is a melodic black metal band from Norway.
I really have no use for Dimmu Borgir, but I found it funny enough to throw the logo together to put on a T-shirt.
Yesterday’s post spawned a discussion about actors who tried to make of a go of it in the music business. It was noted that Chuck Norris actually sang the theme to Walker, Texas Ranger, and I know I used to have the Paradise Alley Soundtrack, which featured an impossibly awful Sly Stallone on vocals, but I have to say that I drew a major blank on the topic and didn’t make much of a contribution.
When I got home, I started compiling a small list to post, and whole bunch googling later it’s three fucking AM. The list has grown from Gadzuki to Godzilla, and I’m dangerously close to comatose. As you peruse, if you find that you can’t remember where an actor might be from, mouse over their album to get a tool tip containing at least one show that they were in. If you find that you need even more info, most of the albums link to Amazon.
If you see me being walked out of the building tomorrow for sleeping at my desk, at least you’ll have this MegaList to remember me by. And to the poor bastard who might have to take over my job: again, I say, sorry I’m such a spaz.
Enjoy.
(If you think of any more than this, add them into the comments.)
