The Beard FAQ

Not sure if you should grow a beard? This FAQ should answer some common concerns and get you on the road to beardedness in no time.

I can’t grow a beard.

I hear this little cop out so much I want to barf. If you have to shave every day, chances are that you can grow a beard. Given two months, even the crappiest of beards start to fill in. You just have to nurture that thing and work with what you got.

My job doesn’t allow beards.

If it’s not in the handbook as an officially written rule, and you get grief for this, have your pussy ass boss call me so I can spank him like the little baby bitch that he is. Then proceed as normal. If it is in the handbook, then that’s a pretty messed up place to work. You might be able to win a lawsuit if they terminate you. Then, you’ll have corporate sponsorship and can grow all the beard you want while you sit home spending those free paychecks on internet porn.

When I grow a beard, it looks like crap.

You know your favorite shirt that you keep inexplicably finding in or near the trash? That makes you look like crap, too. But you wear it, don’t you? Do you know why? Because in some instances feeling good should supersede looking good. Do you think all those dance moves that look good on MTV are fun? Hell no. They’re hard. The fun dances can’t be done when anyone else is around because they usually involve flailing and looking like crap. Look at the robot. That shit is fun. Unless it’s 1982, and you’re not trying to save a youth center, you can’t do it on a public dance floor without looking like an a-hole. It’s sad, but in this world, what looks good and what feels good rarely coincide. When are you going to stop worrying about how you look and start worrying about how you feel?

Beards itch.

You’re on your way to getting a kick in the nuts. Two weeks of itchy is the price you pay for a winter’s worth of snow protection. You know when people have their faces chapped off by the brutal arctic winds that we’ve been blessed with these last few years? How itchy is that? Yea, I don’t know either because I grow a beard every winter.

My GF/BF/Wife/SO doesn’t like facial hair.

Do they pick out what shirt your going to wear? Do they tell you what to say? Unless they are billionaires and your state doesn’t have a 50-50 clause, grow it. To quote #1GF!, “Grow some sack, too.” A beard is one thing, that even though it might look crappy, is appreciably manly. It’s inexplicable, and may be macho bullshit, but growing a beard makes you want to hammer things and wear flannel. You may not have any more reason than that beard to feel like a man, but it will make you feel like a man. And you deserve that for 30 days, Nancy.

In general, chicks don’t like beards.

I used to think that, too. Then you meet a couple who like them. Those chicks like flannel shirts, work boots, beards, and men. Not clean, freshly-pressed window dressings with fashion sense. These women like men. Burly, manly men. I’m not going to guarantee that a beard will transform you, but it will certainly help you fake it. Eastwood and Bronson had heavy stubble all the time. And how can we forget the beard sporting, ass-kicking Mr. Chuck Norris? G.I. Joe? Sean Friggin’ Connery? Yea, chicks have never thrown their panties at any of them.

Beards make you look old.

I agree. People misjudge my age by 10 years when I grow one. What they also seem to do is assume that I know what I’m talking about or that I’m qualified to give them advice. In these situations, I find that pensively tugging on your beard and waiting for them to answer their own questions works best. You’ll look like a fucking genius.

Beards are not hygienic.

Maybe Captain Caveman could pull some cool shit out of his beard, but even with three months growth, you won’t be able to. The best you might be able to do is hide some pencils or a cupcake in there for a joke. In any case, Captain Caveman’s hygiene issues were reported to have more to do with his lack of showering regularly than his abundance of hair. As long as you shower regularly, you should be OK.

A beard would just look dumb with my hairstyle.

You said hairstyle. Minus 2 man points. There are beards for every haircut. You could sport the ex-con bald ‘n’ beard, the hip hop hair with the thin little beard, the rustic New Hampshire weekend civil war re-enactment mega beard, the ZZ Top super beard, and even the Mr. T. Mohawk connected to the beard. Beards fit. And I thought I already explained this: It’s all about feeling good.

I’m a girl! How can I join in?

LADIES, PLEASE DO NOT GROW A BEARD EVEN IF POSSIBLE! MaBeGroMo and November Beard Club are sensitive to the inclusion of women in their activities even though they are folically challenged. Women can contribute to beard growing in other ways such as refraining from any form of beard abuse during the month of December. No crossing days of the calendar, no dirty looks, no calling your man “weird beard,” or asking any question relating to the shaving of said beard. Winking, flirting, and general “Can you hammer something for me, Brawny?” comments are encouraged and really speed the month along.

I have to shave on December 12th, because if I don’t, I will receive many calls the following week when I’m on call for my job.

This is the worst excuse that I’ve ever heard. One of my testicles was so irritated that it wanted to donate itself to this guy. How’s this sound? Now that you’ve told me about your superstition, you’ve ruined everything. Whether you shave or not on December 12th like you intend, you are now pretty much guaranteed to get calls. Your choice is whether you want to save your hand-crafted superstition and blame MaBeGroMo for the calls, or do you want to have to come up with some new superstitious bullshit next year like touching doorknobs and wearing your hat inside out while reciting the lyrics to Stroker Ace to prevent you from getting the calls? You’re going to get the calls. You jinxed it. Do you really want to dive deeper into the crazy pool, or do you want to take the scapegoat behind door #2. Choice is yours. Remember: No matter what you choose, a beard is no substitute for your meds.

I still don’t know.

If you don’t partake, you don’t partake, but there is an old Greek saying that goes like this:

“There are two kinds of people in this world that go around beardless—boys and women—and I am neither one.”

If you don’t do it now, put it on your list of things to do eventually. You deserve it.

For more beard madness, return to the Dyers.org Beard Page