Roll A D6

This parody deals 2d6+3 damage against jocks, so I shall secret it away into my virtual bag of holding, me thinks.

Two years ago, I wanted to do something more than the typical compilation of beard shaving pictures that I put out every year, so I sat down with Notepad and a camera phone to work out some ideas for a short film. Within a couple of hours, I had a script, twelve clips of camera phone video, and a sense that I didn’t have the talent to finish the remaining five minutes of film before I hit retirement age.

I called in a favor from Mike over at Burning Snowman, who took an exercise in talking to myself and turned it into a short film, which is now available for your viewing pleasure.

Man, I hate this part…

May I present to you: Beardophrenia: The Beard Film.

I tracked down the source of the animated gif in Nooooooo! to the trailer for a film called Italian Spiderman. I can’t believe that I never saw this before because it is pure and unadulterated awesome without commercial interruption.

Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a cigarette smoking, fat guy with a mustache can…

The Italian Spiderman Trailer

Background: Although the trailer looks like authentic, low budget Italian cinema from the 1960′s or 70′s, Italian Spiderman was actually created as a film school project by Dario Russo in 2007. At the time of the trailer’s creation, the film that it advertised didn’t actually exist, and it was only after gaining traction on YouTube that Russo secured financing to create the forty minute film.

Parts one through ten of Italian Spiderman are available for your viewing pleasure on Dario Russo’s YouTube Channel, and they are as corny and craptastic as they are awesome.

Because of my beard pages, people tend to submit a lot of beard related links for me to check out. The other day, I got an e-mail from Eirik Ott, aka Big Poppa E, asking me to check out a video for a poem that he wrote called “Beardo”.

“i was digging on your site, and i thought maybe you would appreciate the poem i just wrote about the joys and challenges of having a beard.”

I’m always grateful that people will take the time to send me beard related stuff, but this guy was asking me to look at a poem. Sure, it was about a beard, but still. Poetry? I was torn between my love for beards driving me to click, and the thought of being reacquainted with the mind-numbing curse of iambic pentameter holding my finger at bay.

I put aside my latest revisions of Life of Riley Week 100, and stared at the e-mail as if some cosmic regex would suddenly appear and devour the word “poem” and replace it with something I had a better chance at enjoying, such as “epic metal saga” or even “clever geek humor based comic”. Sadly, no such words appeared.

I sighed, threw on my two dollar headphones, and twisted up my face in preparation for what I was sure would be a coffee shop poetry reading to an audience full of waif like creatures who wore tiny glasses and had propensities toward giant, ratty scarves that didn’t fit them or the weather. I imagined them snapping their long, thin fingers at the end of the performance in place of applause. Before the thought of the clove filled air could give me a headache, I opened the video.

After spending half the day doing my taxes, and topping it off with a fruitless job search chaser, it’s not surprising that by 5PM, I was slipping into a coma. To lift my mood a little, I checked in on some of my favorite feeds.

That’s when I found the following video on Wil Wheaton’s blog. If the 60′s soul revival sound didn’t drag me in, the way that it’s created is absolutely the best use of sampling I’ve seen in a while.

My mood instantly lifted. Check it out for yourself and tell me you don’t feel the same.

“Birds Fly Away” by Theresa Andersson

via Wil Wheaton

This song is catchy, work-safe, and difficult to explain when someone catches you singing it to yourself. Consider yourself warned.

“Just because I get more women than you, well, that’s only because they don’t know you like I do…”

Bret, You’ve Got It Going On

(via essence of chris)

For some reason, Dyers seem to have limited options for successful career choices. I’m not sure why, but as far as I knew, the only successful paths for Dyers were book writing (like Dr. Wayne Dyer), Leather store owning (as in Dyer Leather), witchcrafting (ala Mary Dyer), and beard growing (hello). While computers and heavy metal have always factored in, I always thought of those as lifestyle choices with benefits rather than career choices. Thanks to Myles Dyer, the vocalist behind the video below, I can now add “heavy metal farmering” to the official Dyer career list.

Tractooooooor. Moooooo.

Enjoy!

Even though I’ve never been a huge Foreigner fan, I can tell you the first time I heard “Jukebox Hero”. I was around 10, and my friend had stolen it out of his brother’s records and brought it down to the tweed clad, schoolhouse record player in the linoleum and paneled basement that everyone seemed to have in those days. I sort of shrugged when the kid told me that I had to hear it, and then moved the needle back several times to hear the song over again. I can remember that the song was on the album Foreigner 4 because for a while there, I tacked the four onto the band’s name, calling them “Foreigner 4″.

Kids are fun and all, but I’m not normally in the habit of posting videos of them here on the blog because it’s a slippery slide into pictures of kitties and talking about my period. This kid, however, gets a pass. Even though he isn’t tall enough to put a foot on the monitor and strike a rock idol pose, he gets so into “Jukebox Hero” that he ends up eating his microphone.

If there’s an award for the “The Best Use Of Puppets In A Video”, it should really go to the creators of this video. I give it four horns up. \m/ \m/

Enjoy!

Fat Ed’s Furry Fucking Guide To Metal Video

(If you couldn’t tell by the title, this is probably NSFW due to language.)

Holy shit. First, the bloggers found me, then an internet radio station, then a regular radio station, then half of Sweden stopped by, and now I’ve somehow made the jump to internet television. I know. I’m as shocked as you are. I better go put on some pants…

When I started researching skin cancer, it was merely to provide a few interesting facts to surround an interesting skin cancer video that I had seen on Current TV. Unfortunately, the more I looked into it, the less clear cut the information from the National Cancer Institute and World Health Organization became.

Both organizations know that skin cancer comes from the sun, but they refute a lot of what I thought was common knowledge. It seems that the only way to avoid skin cancer is to stay out of the sun, but in the summertime, this can be almost impossible if you aren’t a blogging hermit (such as yours truly). Considering that skin cancer is the most common form of cancer in the United States and accounts for a third of all cancer diagnosis worldwide, I’m amazed at how inconclusive the prevention information is.

What I Thought About Skin Cancer

• Wearing sunscreen will protect me like an anti-cancer shield.
• Skin cancer is easily treatable like chopping off a mole.
• Tanning salons will greatly increase the risk of skin cancer.

What I Found Out About Skin Cancer

• It is not known if avoiding sunburns or using sunscreen lowers the risk, but studies have suggested that unprotected exposure to UV rays from tanning beds and sunlight and can increase the risk of skin cancer.
• Vitamin D, which is naturally produced by exposure to the sun, has been shown to reduce the risk of colon cancer.
• It is unknown whether the incidence of skin cancer is higher for tanning beds than exposure to natural sunlight, but women who use tanning beds more than once a month are 55% more likely to develop malignant melanoma, the most deadly form of skin cancer.
• According to the ADA, the amount of UV emitted from a tanning booth can be fifteen times higher than outdoor levels.
• The World Health Organization does not recommend the use of UV tanning devices for cosmetic purposes.

Sarah Silverman shared her secret with Jimmy Kimmel that she was fucking Matt Damon. Jimmmy also has a secret to share with Sarah “We Are the World” style.

I can’t stand Josh Groban, but I have to say that I have a new respect for the guy.

Jimmy Kimmel: I’m Fucking Ben Affleck

Sarah Silverman spills her secret to her boyfriend, Jimmy Kimmel through the wonder of song and the magic of television.

Knock Knock
Who’s That Knockin’ At My Door?
Imfa
Imfa Who?
I’m Fucking Matt Damon

I’m Fucking Matt Damon

We all need to thank BeardPick for sending in this video of himself with 2,000 toothpicks stuck in his beard. He beats Payton, the 1600 toothpick guy (also featured below) by 25%. Who’s stepping up for the next 400?

You will not be surprised to find out that BeardPick is in IT and undertook this death-defying stunt to entertain his co-workers. I think my favorite thing about the IT crowd is the strange things they do to entertain each other.

2,000 Toothpicks

1,600 Toothpicks

When I watched the first video by DJ Sara and DJ Ryusei, I was sure that it had to be fake. I voiced this opinion to my monitor (which didn’t respond) and eventually found myself two inches from the screen trying to see if anyone modified the videos to attach some DJ’s arms to the kids.

After watching a bunch of their videos, I’m convinced that they’re awesomely real. These kids are only 6 and 8 years old…

After a pretty substandard day of house hunting, #1GF! and I were going over to her brother’s house for dinner. On our way out of Hull, we noticed a group of people looking over the edge of a bridge. Because something didn’t look right, I asked #1GF! to pull over.

For the next half hour, I ended up holding several different ropes to aid in the rescue of some kayakers who were trapped under a bridge in a rapidly rising tide. The real heroes were in the water, but if you see the story on the news, I was the guy in the white ringer t-shirt and sunglasses holding the ropes that were holding up the ladder that one of the rescuers was standing on.

With the aid of two fire departments, two local police departments, the State Police, the Harbor master, and a bunch of civilians, three kayakers and one fireman were eventually pulled to safety.

After a couple of miles of silence, #1GF! and I started talking about it.

Me: I’m glad we stopped.

#1GF!: Yea, it feels good to be needed.

Me: Nah. I don’t really need to feel needed.

#1GF!: Well, it feels pretty good to help people.

Me: Yea, but I think it was something else. It’s like someone said that it was very important to hold on those ropes, and I held on to the ropes. I couldn’t see or control what was happening to the kayakers, so all I could do was focus on holding onto the ropes and watching the guys in front of me in case they lost their balance. That’s it. Whether the kayakers came out or not, I was going to hold those ropes until I was told that it was no longer critical to do so.

#1GF!: I was waving off another idiot kayaker who was coming in for a closer look. I’m still shaking.

Me: That’s because you have a lot of empathy. I’m pretty relaxed. It’s like when I listen to death metal, you know? I’m calmer in the middle of a shit storm than when I’m trying to decide what to have for dinner. Remember when they pulled that old lady out?

#1GF!: Yea

Me: Well, I was getting pissed at her because she wouldn’t put her legs down and stand up. The woman had been drowning under a bridge, and I’m thinking, “Get yourself together, put your fucking foot down, and help them get you over the guard rail”. The woman was scared and sobbing, but I was more focussed on the task than on how scared she must’ve been. That’s low empathy. Maybe I really should’ve taken that Army scholarship years ago. The army needs people with low empathy and the ability to focus on tasks. But, then I probably wouldn’t be here today if I had.

#1GF!: Sort of makes you want to be a fireman, huh?

Me: You know, it really does.

The whole thing is still a bit muddled in my head, but here’s the rescue video from CityNews and another one from iCaught.

Metal: Best Response to a Pit Fight

Pits are for moshin’ and washin’. They ain’t for fightin’. (via Notes of Chaos)

Lounge: The Wet Spots

“‘Cause every time I tried to tell you, the words just came out wrong, so I’ll have to say I love you, in a song.”

Hip Hop: Incredible New School B-boying

I don’t know how the jidges couldn’t be impressed with this.

Bonus: World’s Youngest B-boy

If you’re not amazed by this, you haven’t spent much time with an average two year old.

I’ve been moderating channels for the Democracy Player for a month or so, and I’ve been on a tear to find independent web TV that I can watch instead of cable. There’s a ton of video that I’m still sifting through, but I’ve been amazed at how many quality web TV shows that I have queued up for when I have a spare minute. And thanks to the Democracy Channel Guide, the list keeps growing.

There is quality independent content out there. It’s just sort of difficult to find. Because it’s the end of the week, I thought I’d save you some searching and hook you up with a few of the series that I’ve come across recently.

We Need Girlfriends

Out of all the videos episodes I’m watching right now, this is one of my favorites. It’s about three nerds who need girlfriends.
We Need Girlfriends

Good Morning World

This is a daily show that spoofs the idiocy of morning shows.
Good Morning World

Who’s Gonna Train Me?

This is technically indy, but it is produced by VH1, so I’m not sure if it counts. This is a series that chronicles a reality show about a boxer looking for a trainer.
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3

Sockbaby

Sockbaby is a pretty neat little 3 part video from 2004 that spans about 15 minutes in total. The fight scenes are pretty good for an indy film, and it’s a shame that it never made it past 3 episodes.
Sockbaby

L33t Haxxors

This is a completely silly four part series about, you guessed it, Elite Hackers.
L33t Haxxors

Planet Unicorn

“In the year 2117, an eight year old gay boy named Shannon found a magic lamp. He was granted three wishes. The first: A fur jacket. The second: a flying car. And the third was a planet. full. of unicorns. This is the story of that planet.” Are you sitting there with your fucking mouth wide open? Wait until you hear the theme song.
Planet Unicorn

If you have an indy web series that you watch, drop it in the comments.

This morning, this song suddenly popped into my head within minutes of waking up. It’s now 13 hours later, and no song has been able to dislodge it.

Before I lobotomize myself, I am not only going to embed the song in your head, but I will attempt to use positive association to keep it there for a while.

I do this purely to be a douche.

There are no swears, nudity or gore in the video above, but I wouldn’t exactly call it safe for work. And you know the track was added to Earworm Hell.

Ever since I set up that Novelty Radio station on FineTune, I’ve been walking around with the chorus to The Ballad of Chasey Lain stuck in my head. Yesterday, I happened to be walking around singing both the lead and backup parts while getting ready for work. Because I tend to make up a lot of random songs around the house, #1GF! just gave me a look indicating that I should stop.

“What? It’s not my fault. It’s a real song and it’s stuck in my head.”

I don’t know why, but the words coming out of my mouth somehow became slightly more acceptable just because I hadn’t made them up.

For those of you who want to be stuck with a chorus in your head that you can’t sing at work, go ahead and watch the video below. Then get back to me on Monday as to whether or not you’re still humming it. Over the last few days, it has wiped out any earworm that I tried to replace it with.

So, I was sitting there reading a post over at Notes of Chaos that introduced me to Dokaka, a Japanese beatboxer who does cover songs using only his voice as an instrument. JUD JUD did a similar thing years ago, but I have to applaud Dokaka’s increased complexity. I ended up cracking up every time I listened to his rendition of Metallica’s “Creeping Death”, so I went on a hunt for more of his stuff. In my journey around the wild, wild web, I came across a few additional covers that I thought I should post.

Creeping Death – Metallica (Original)

This is the original Creeping Death by Metallica. The video is merely the song played over a picture of the album cover. It’s not too exciting, but it was the best sound quality I could find, if you’ve either never heard the song or needed a refresher.

Creeping Death – Dokaka (Cover)

This is Dokaka’s all-vocal version:
Creeping Death covered by Dokaka

Creeping Death – Apocalyptica (Cover)

In searching out Dokaka, I came across Apocalyptica’s cover of Creeping Death. While not as interesting as Dokaka’s, I thought It was worth putting up because it’s an all cello rendition.

The Trooper – Iron Maiden (Original)

This is the Original Trooper video by I. Ron Maiden. It’s a classic, but again, it’s just presented to give you a feel for the original, if you’ve never heard it.

Dokaka – The Trooper (Cover)

Here is Dokaka’s all-vocal version:
The Trooper covered by Dokaka

The Trooper – The Gauchos (Best. Cover. Ever.)

And here, my dear readers is the crown jewel of today’s post. If you don’t watch or listen to anything else in this post, please do yourself a favor and watch this. Gems like this are the reason that I sift through hours of video. Just from the picture, you can see that The Gauchos are four little kids. Even if you hate heavy metal, you have to appreciate their talent. And if you can’t do that, turn down the volume and just watch the little girl fronting the band.

I don’t think I’m alone when I say that I sit through Wilford Brimley’s commercials just to listen to his unique pronunciation of the word, “Diabetes”. If someone remixed one of those commercials and made him nod and drum along, I’d watch it a few times. If I found multiple versions, I’d link to them on the interweb for you guys. Seriously, do the kids work these days or do they just fool around with the myspace and the youtube? Diabetisss. DyerDyer DyerDyer DyerDyer Beetis

Wilford Brimley – The Beetis

Wilford Brimley’s Beetix Extravaganza – Remix Vol. 2

Games

Letter Lasso: It’s a simple “Seek n’ Find” word game, but the time pressure really gets to me.

Quick Stack: You match the colors and stack the blocks.

Quarkz: It’s like Othello, but with a little more strategy. You have to actually read the directions on this one.

3D Superball: Click a ball against a white box to get points. I think I got 26 before getting bored.

Video

Metal By Numbers: Oh man. This is one of those videos that metalheads understand. It makes fun of the nu metal/metalcore movement while Scott Ian moshes around. COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE! (found via Notes of Chaos)

Bike Jousting News Cast: I write 4 billion posts over 4 years, and I’m not the first Dyer to get on TV for being a weirdo. I’m breaking out the Spock shirt and heading for the roof to catch me some famous.

Laying in bed…
Me: Hey, who was that guy in that show with the Olsen Twins?
#1GF!: What?
Me: John Stamos?
#1GF!: What?
Me: I’ll bet he has an album…
#1GF!: Oh, This has to stop…

It’s a complete waste of time, but I can’t seem to stop adding albums to the Artist/Singer Megalist. I want to post other stuff. I really do.

One thing that should be noted is that there are a hundred download spots for Herve “Dee Plane, Dee Plane” Villechaize’s “Why Do People Have to Fight“, including this Google Video.