I have short hair and I don’t go to many concerts anymore, but I’m lifelong metal fan. I still stand on the couch and play air guitar to music that gets progressively heavier with each passing year, and I still reflexively give the sign of the devil when I see something I like. Like any metal fan worth a salt, I’m inexplicably and obstinately defensive about the subculture that surrounds what is one of my favorite types of music. Metallica may always have a place in my collection because they advanced thrash metal by leaps and bounds with their first three albums, but to me, that band died long ago.

Instead of acknowledging the abomination that Metallica has become over the last two decades, I find it less painful to pretend that the entire band died in the bus accident that killed Cliff Burton in 1986. As delusional as it may seem, I like to think that instead of admitting the tragedy, the record company replaced the band with a set of look-alike pop divas who were instructed to do the best they could to fill the shoes of the metal giants. As time wore on, the outer metal coating wore away, and the pop divas underneath inevitably shone through. If we look at Metallica’s history, the delusion can seem more logical than the reality, and may shine some light on the reasons why I won’t get sucked into buying their latest release, Death Magnetic.

I was looking for a workout T-shirt today, and ran across the oldest concert t-shirt I own. When I put it on for these pictures, I was so concerned about it falling apart that I put it on over another t-shirt just to avoid getting deodorant on it. It’s from the 1988 Monsters of Rock tour and was a knockoff that I bought in the parking lot after the show because I didn’t have the money for an official one.

The three things that I can remember about the concert were:

1. It was the first time that my teenage metal ears heard Metallica, and I was completely blown away.
2. I got asked to go by my next door neighbor a few hours before the show because she got stuck with two extra tickets. I ended up playing tonsil hockey with a rather heavy young woman in the third row instead of paying attention to Van Hagar who played not more than ten feet away. Hey, for a pimply, four-eyed teenager with a mullet, it seemed like the right decision.
3. It was the source of the infamous, but partially incorrect mantra, “YOU SUCK, DAN DOKKEN!“.

Now, what’s your oldest T + three? Post a picture of your oldest concert T and give three things that you can remember about the show. If you can beat anything older than 1988, I will personally join you in a tall glass of Metamucil. Can anyone top 1988?

So, I was sitting there reading a post over at Notes of Chaos that introduced me to Dokaka, a Japanese beatboxer who does cover songs using only his voice as an instrument. JUD JUD did a similar thing years ago, but I have to applaud Dokaka’s increased complexity. I ended up cracking up every time I listened to his rendition of Metallica’s “Creeping Death”, so I went on a hunt for more of his stuff. In my journey around the wild, wild web, I came across a few additional covers that I thought I should post.

Creeping Death – Metallica (Original)

This is the original Creeping Death by Metallica. The video is merely the song played over a picture of the album cover. It’s not too exciting, but it was the best sound quality I could find, if you’ve either never heard the song or needed a refresher.

Creeping Death – Dokaka (Cover)

This is Dokaka’s all-vocal version:
Creeping Death covered by Dokaka

Creeping Death – Apocalyptica (Cover)

In searching out Dokaka, I came across Apocalyptica’s cover of Creeping Death. While not as interesting as Dokaka’s, I thought It was worth putting up because it’s an all cello rendition.

The Trooper – Iron Maiden (Original)

This is the Original Trooper video by I. Ron Maiden. It’s a classic, but again, it’s just presented to give you a feel for the original, if you’ve never heard it.

Dokaka – The Trooper (Cover)

Here is Dokaka’s all-vocal version:
The Trooper covered by Dokaka

The Trooper – The Gauchos (Best. Cover. Ever.)

And here, my dear readers is the crown jewel of today’s post. If you don’t watch or listen to anything else in this post, please do yourself a favor and watch this. Gems like this are the reason that I sift through hours of video. Just from the picture, you can see that The Gauchos are four little kids. Even if you hate heavy metal, you have to appreciate their talent. And if you can’t do that, turn down the volume and just watch the little girl fronting the band.

WWDLRD? “What would David Lee Roth do?” is something that I came across years ago that we all can use to answer even the toughest of life’s questions. For example: It’s Tuesday. Do you: A.) go out with your buddies, or B.) study for the exam? Before you make that tough decision, ask yourself, WWDLRD? Would Dave pick A or B? Neither, bitches. Dave would pick C.) Do a cartwheel and go find some hot women. Hummalazeebala.

Right on! Thanks, Dave!

I thought WWDLRD? was pretty common, so I checked Google. The only things that came up were lists that seemed really familiar. As I was reading through them, I noticed the mention of “Seka”, (my friend Tim’s band that was really short lived, and not too well known), and Roadsaw (the band I did a website for).

As I read, I realized that these lists were copied and/or modified from a list that I had modified from the original The Metal Test by James Morrison and Patrick Dalton back in 1999. I couldn’t imagine anyone quoting me, so I looked for my original list and found that I had indeed written what I was reading years before.

Here is the list. About half the points are Dalton/Morrison, and half were written by yours truly.

You Are/Were a Metalhead If… (75 Clues That You Might Be a Metalhead)

1. You at one time tried to make the sawblade wrist bands that Blackie Lawless wore AND/OR you tried to make the Kerry King nail armband.
2. You know that the Dio logo turned upside down reads “devil.”
3. “NOT” was in your vocabulary.
4. You remember when Metallica was never on the radio or MTV.
5. You were in love with Lita Ford or Doro Pesch.
6. You saw the movie Trick Or Treat.
7. You constantly had to explain to people that “Bon Jovi is not metal and he SUCKS.”
8. When you watch MTV News you recognize Megadeth’s “Peace Sells” bass line at the end of the segment.
9. You liked the Beastie Boys because Kerry King played guitar on “License to Ill”.
10. The brim of your baseball cap was turned upward with MOSH written on it.
11. A D.R.I. mosh guy and Misfits t-shirts were must-haves.
12. “Poser” was in your vocabulary.
13. You learned a little history by listening to Iron Maiden.
14. You or someone you knew had “The Number Of The Beast” album cover painted on the back of their denim jacket AND/OR your denim vest was covered with pins and embroidered patches.
15. You had discussions on Metallica vs. Megadeth.
16. “Caught in a mosh” was going to be the title of your A&E Biography.
17. You wore Jams.
18. You played “I’m The Man” to some of your rap friends.
19. You had albums on Combat Records.
20. You thought German metal would be the next big thing.
21. Bands like Poison, Winger, Trixter, Kix, and all the bands with the word “White” in their name were killing you.
22. You know how to pronounce and spell Yngwie Malmsteen.
23. Chicks in high hair and spandex ruled.
24. Guys in high hair and spandex sucked.
25. You really hated Tipper Gore.
26. You secretly liked Queensryche.
27. You wrote on your pants.
28. Your pants were in their prime when they ripped.
29. At every show there was one black metalhead (and you thought that was pretty cool).
30. You can name all the members of SEKA.
31. You think Cliff Burton should be canonized.
32. You find that “Angel of Death” would make a catchier national anthem than the Star Spangled Banner.
33. You find yourself yelling “SLAYER!” at shows they don’t even play.
34. You think Iron Maiden is classic rock.
35. You thought Ministry was dance music.
36. You won’t drive in a car if there’s no tape deck.
37. You wore fingerless gloves even in 90 degree weather.
38. You wanted to draw comic books for a living
39. You thought Chris Holmes was cool in Decline of Western Civilization Part 2: The Metal Years.
40. You can name every guitarist Ozzy had after Randy Rhoads.
41. You thought KISS actually meant Knights In Satan’s Service.
42. You always remember the “J” in Yngwie J. Malmsteen.
43. You think the higher the hair, the better the woman.
44. You wish Ozzy was your dad.
45. You thought hair shorter than shoulder length was selling out.
46. You thought hanging earrings were tough.
47. You had a skull ring.
48. You regularly measured your hair to see how long it got, and felt intimidated by guys with longer hair than you.
49. All your favorite songs had one note bass lines.
50. Ozzy could fart in a microphone, and you would force yourself to like it.
51. You fought over whether Motley Crue’s makeup made them Glam.
52. Camouflage shorts/pants were a good portion of your wardrobe.
53. You thought the measure of a man was how high he could sing.
54. You owned either leather pants, a leather vest, or chaps, and you’re not a cowboy.
55. You don’t feel tardy, awwww you think the clock is slow.
56. You know that after “Nothing else matters”, nothing Metalica put out did.
57. Your most memorable concerts had 15 minute guitar, bass, and drum solos.
58. You’re working hard to bring back baseball t-shirts.
59. You KNOW in your heart that the mullet haircut WILL come back someday.
60. You refer to Roadsaw as the ‘saw, and Judas Priest as ‘Priest.
61. You knew what Steve Vai was “saying” to Dave on his guitar.
62. You know the difference between M.O.D., S.O.D., and D.R.I.
63. You fully lace up your work boots only for weddings.
64. You think that concerts without explosions are a “rip-off”.
65. You think that a concert with under 5 encores is a “rip-off”.
66. You cut the sleeves off of your denim jacket so it would fit over your leather jacket.
67. You owned either shorts or a sleeveless t-shirt with the British flag on it.
68. You remember when the quality of a band was directly proportional to the “slutiosity” of its groupies.
69. Like a cape to a bull, white baseball caps triggered a violent response in you.
70. You thought it was funny to ask for a “bottle of anything and a glazed doughnut to go” at the kwiki-mart.
71. You thought that wearing a leather vest WITH a shirt was a fashion faux-pax.
72. “Old School” was in your vocabulary.
73. When confronted with tough life decisions you ask yourself, “What would David Lee Roth do?”
74. You have had a subscription to one or more metal magazines.
75. You give people the hand sign of the devil when they do something cool.