Put your shields up if you want to, ladies, but you can’t stop this level of game. Resistance, as they say, is futile.

Hey, Baby…

I’ve been known to get a little worked up over Hollywood’s agenda of burying my favorite childhood memories under a mountain of re-released garbage, but my anger is a Bic lighter compared to the napalm that these guys drop. From movies to comics to games to tech, they burn just about every geek franchise out there in under six minutes.

Kids, imagine, if you will, a time when getting online consisted of dialing into a BBS with your 900 baud modem and leaving messages for the other dungeon masters. It was long before Facebook and YouTube, when meeting a potential mate meant hanging up your Cloak of Sarcasm and actually leaving the house.

Then along comes Video Mate. You break out your Beta max camera, make an audition tape that you think will make Chuck Woolery proud, and wait for the propositions to start rolling in. You have no idea that millions of people will see just how suave you are…a mere thirty years too late.

While waiting for #1GF! to get out the door this morning, I was sitting on the bed and singing to the baby. “Ear way in hay ee thay uney may. Ear way in hay ee thay uney may.”

#1GF! snapped out of her morning routine for a second. “Wait. What are you singing?”

I shrugged and repeated. “Ear way in hay ee thay uney may.”

#1GF! shook her head. “What is it? Did you make it up?”

It wasn’t an invalid question. It’s not entirely uncommon for me to make up songs. “No, I’m singing ‘We’re in the Money’.”

“Oh my god.”

“It’s Pig Latin.”

“Oh. my. god. She knows a handful of words and you’re already branching out into Pig Latin? Is that a good idea?”

I shook my head. “It’s from this movie from 1933 called Gold Diggers. Ginger Rogers sings it.”

“So…you’re singing it in Pig Latin.”

“She did too.”

“No, she didn’t.”

“Oh, yes she did.”

“In 1933.” #1GF! dipped her chin. “Riiight.”

“Really. It’s an old-school, big-production dance number until the camera gets right up in her face and she starts singing in Pig Latin. I’m telling you. It’s really weird.”

#1GF! shook her head. “How do you find these things?”

I mistakenly thought it was an actual question. “Well, during a writing break yesterday, I was looking for a little history on Esquivel, and Wikipedia called him the ‘The Busby Berkley of Cocktail Music.’ So, I was like, ‘Who the hell is Busby Bixby,’ and—”

#1GF! patted my chest. “Okay. I have to go.”

“You’ll see. I’m going to find the video for you.”

She kissed me as if she were patting my head. “Love you, gotta run.”

“It’s real,” I muttered as she walked down the hall.

Star Trek TNG Redubbed

“We’ll put on ‘Zeppelin and eat cheddar cheese.”

Sometimes, even the babysittings is metals.

Black Metal Babysitter

I tracked down the source of the animated gif in Nooooooo! to the trailer for a film called Italian Spiderman. I can’t believe that I never saw this before because it is pure and unadulterated awesome without commercial interruption.

Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a cigarette smoking, fat guy with a mustache can…

The Italian Spiderman Trailer

Background: Although the trailer looks like authentic, low budget Italian cinema from the 1960′s or 70′s, Italian Spiderman was actually created as a film school project by Dario Russo in 2007. At the time of the trailer’s creation, the film that it advertised didn’t actually exist, and it was only after gaining traction on YouTube that Russo secured financing to create the forty minute film.

Parts one through ten of Italian Spiderman are available for your viewing pleasure on Dario Russo’s YouTube Channel, and they are as corny and craptastic as they are awesome.

Dear 1970′s,

-Jon

70s PSA: VD Is For Everybody

First came Vince and the ShamWow. Then came the Slap Chop. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have the Cock Shot. Listen to Lance: Stop having a boring nut shot. Stop having a boring life.

The Cock Shot (NSFW: language)

Thanks, Mike.

This song is catchy, work-safe, and difficult to explain when someone catches you singing it to yourself. Consider yourself warned.

“Just because I get more women than you, well, that’s only because they don’t know you like I do…”

Bret, You’ve Got It Going On

(via essence of chris)

For some reason, Dyers seem to have limited options for successful career choices. I’m not sure why, but as far as I knew, the only successful paths for Dyers were book writing (like Dr. Wayne Dyer), Leather store owning (as in Dyer Leather), witchcrafting (ala Mary Dyer), and beard growing (hello). While computers and heavy metal have always factored in, I always thought of those as lifestyle choices with benefits rather than career choices. Thanks to Myles Dyer, the vocalist behind the video below, I can now add “heavy metal farmering” to the official Dyer career list.

Tractooooooor. Moooooo.

Enjoy!

I’m not into advice columns and stoner humor doesn’t work with as much as it used to, so it’s interesting that I’d find a stoner video advice column so interesting. I don’t know if it’s because it’s a new twist on the stoner formula or because the questions are so off the wall, but even my short attention span made it through all ten minutes.

The Highest of Pot Psychology (NSFW)

(via The Essence of Chris)

If there’s an award for the “The Best Use Of Puppets In A Video”, it should really go to the creators of this video. I give it four horns up. \m/ \m/

Enjoy!

Fat Ed’s Furry Fucking Guide To Metal Video

(If you couldn’t tell by the title, this is probably NSFW due to language.)

This SNL skit is a couple of years old, but I just saw it for the first time a few days ago. I didn’t think that it was hysterical when I watched it, but since then, I’ve been randomly bursting out with “Blizzard Man… 1995″ or “We. Rap. All the time. Oh, we are so good at rapping!”. Once you’re done watching, I have a question for you…

You know what happens if Vulcans don’t mate with in 8 days of going into heat? They die. It’s a little known fact that Spock would occasionally rely on his human side to sail through the pon farr by heating up The Enterprise with the wheels of steel. Don’t hate the playa. Spock might’ve been the biggest pimp in the known universe, but his life depended on it.

DJ Spock

When I started researching skin cancer, it was merely to provide a few interesting facts to surround an interesting skin cancer video that I had seen on Current TV. Unfortunately, the more I looked into it, the less clear cut the information from the National Cancer Institute and World Health Organization became.

Both organizations know that skin cancer comes from the sun, but they refute a lot of what I thought was common knowledge. It seems that the only way to avoid skin cancer is to stay out of the sun, but in the summertime, this can be almost impossible if you aren’t a blogging hermit (such as yours truly). Considering that skin cancer is the most common form of cancer in the United States and accounts for a third of all cancer diagnosis worldwide, I’m amazed at how inconclusive the prevention information is.

What I Thought About Skin Cancer

• Wearing sunscreen will protect me like an anti-cancer shield.
• Skin cancer is easily treatable like chopping off a mole.
• Tanning salons will greatly increase the risk of skin cancer.

What I Found Out About Skin Cancer

• It is not known if avoiding sunburns or using sunscreen lowers the risk, but studies have suggested that unprotected exposure to UV rays from tanning beds and sunlight and can increase the risk of skin cancer.
• Vitamin D, which is naturally produced by exposure to the sun, has been shown to reduce the risk of colon cancer.
• It is unknown whether the incidence of skin cancer is higher for tanning beds than exposure to natural sunlight, but women who use tanning beds more than once a month are 55% more likely to develop malignant melanoma, the most deadly form of skin cancer.
• According to the ADA, the amount of UV emitted from a tanning booth can be fifteen times higher than outdoor levels.
• The World Health Organization does not recommend the use of UV tanning devices for cosmetic purposes.

Matt Harding quit his job a few years back, and wandered around Asia until the money that he had saved ran out. At a friend’s suggestion, he filmed himself showing off his unique style of dancing in various places during the trip. In 2006, his video caught the attention of Stride Gum, who sponsored a six month trip to 39 countries for another round of dancing. In 2007, Matt got Stride to sponsor a second trip around the world so that he could film other people doing his dance with him. That idea transformed his video from a neat oddity into something that you can’t help but smile at.

Matt’s latest video is four and a half minutes of people from 42 countries sharing a brief moment of silliness, which is something that we all can use to remind ourselves that there is a big, fun world out there beyond bosses, bills, and baggage. It also should serve as a reminder that if your cubicle is sucking the life out of you, you’ll never know what strange adventures are in store for you until you turn in your ID badge and leave it behind.

Matt, if the unlikely event that you ever happen upon this page, thanks for making my day a few times over. This is awesome.

(found via Boingboing)

More information on where the hell Matt is now can be found at his website, wherethehellismatt.com

When Mike sent over an old commercial for a weird kids’ toy called the Swing Wing, my first thought was, “Monkey? check. Elephant? check. Soundtrack? Meh. If this toy only had a big name band doing its jingle, it could’ve been as big a fad for the head as hula hoop was for the waist.”

It didn’t, so it wasn’t, but thanks to some creative individuals out there, the Swing Wing may still have a chance at catching on with pre-headbangers, tiny hustlers, and kids who are on the “E”. Or the “X”. Or whatever the kids are ingesting that makes them swing around glow sticks these days.

The Swing Wing Thrash Remix (featuring Slayer)

#1GF!: What are you doing today.
Me: Practicing my beatboxing.
#1GF!: What?
Me: Practicing my beatboxing.
#1GF!: Oh no.
Me: Gahd. It’s not like I’m going to do it while you’re here or anything. I know the rules.

I’ve been a sucker for beatboxing since I first heard The Human Beat Box in 1984 a sucker for people who can beatbox, and Beardyman shows us the recipe to a perfect beatbox mix. This is what got me buh buh pft buh b’buh pft’ing for hours.

Kitchen Diaries

If you can hear the Super Mario theme and feel like you’re home, then two things are true: you’re old and you’re a geek. Yesterday, while watching Attack of the Show, I saw a video of a radio controlled car playing the Super Mario Brothers Theme and thought it was awesome enough to add to my list of 44 Ways to Enjoy the Super Mario Theme.

After watching it a few times, I’m not so sure that I should’ve included it. The tones of the bottles during the test runs at the beginning of the video really don’t match with the tones when the theme is playing, making it seem like it might be a hoax.

What do you think? Is this a fake?

Sarah Silverman shared her secret with Jimmy Kimmel that she was fucking Matt Damon. Jimmmy also has a secret to share with Sarah “We Are the World” style.

I can’t stand Josh Groban, but I have to say that I have a new respect for the guy.

Jimmy Kimmel: I’m Fucking Ben Affleck

I know that Valentine’s Day is over, but I couldn’t resist this Valentine’s video mix of PostSecret postcards.

If you’re wondering where you can find the song from the video, it’s called “Shhh” and can be found at Donora’s myspace page

Sarah Silverman spills her secret to her boyfriend, Jimmy Kimmel through the wonder of song and the magic of television.

Knock Knock
Who’s That Knockin’ At My Door?
Imfa
Imfa Who?
I’m Fucking Matt Damon

I’m Fucking Matt Damon

In the old days when the internet was still young, there was a site called goatse.cx that people would trick each other into visiting. On the site was a pretty gross picture, so people would snap pictures of peoples’ reactions when seeing it for the first time and post them to the web. This was internet humor back in 1999.

The new generation is a video generation, and they have no need for the goatse of an ASCII internet age. They have recently taken the goatse to new level with the youtube video, “2 girls, 1 cup”, and like the goatse, have been capturing people’s reactions as they watch it.

Because the reactions are so amusing, you’ll find your curiosity piqued and you’ll naturally want to see the video that the people are reacting to. I certainly did. I don’t have any problem with gross stuff, but “Two Girls 1 Cup” takes gross to a whole new level. It is easily the grossest thing I’ve seen on the internet this year, and unless you have a strong stomach, I really, really don’t suggest watching it. If you’re leaning towards watching it, let me remind you that there is no way to unwatch something once you’ve watched it.

We all need to thank BeardPick for sending in this video of himself with 2,000 toothpicks stuck in his beard. He beats Payton, the 1600 toothpick guy (also featured below) by 25%. Who’s stepping up for the next 400?

You will not be surprised to find out that BeardPick is in IT and undertook this death-defying stunt to entertain his co-workers. I think my favorite thing about the IT crowd is the strange things they do to entertain each other.

2,000 Toothpicks

1,600 Toothpicks

It’s Halloween and I want to make sure that you all stay safe this Halloween, so please watch this instruction video from Common Craft.

Happy Halloween!

While hunting for some free entertainment for Halloween, I discovered that there were a surprising number of horror movies that can be legally and freely downloaded because they have fallen into the public domain. I found cheese-filled creature features like The Giant Gila Monster (1959), Attack of the Giant Leeches (1953), and The Brain That Wouldn’t Die (1962), but I also came across a number of films that I realized have been musically inspirational to some big name bands.

Here are the top 10 musically inspiring horror films in the public domain and what they inspired. The IMDB star rating is included so you can determine what to (or not to) download onto your ipod.

10. The Wasp Woman (1960)

The owner of a cosmetic factory becomes the test subject for wasp enzymes that are supposed to make her look younger. The drugs have unintended side effects.

IMDB: 3.4 stars

Musical Inspiration: This movie was said to have inspired the Misfits’ song “Queen Wasp” which appeared on Earth A.D, released in 1983.

When I watched the first video by DJ Sara and DJ Ryusei, I was sure that it had to be fake. I voiced this opinion to my monitor (which didn’t respond) and eventually found myself two inches from the screen trying to see if anyone modified the videos to attach some DJ’s arms to the kids.

After watching a bunch of their videos, I’m convinced that they’re awesomely real. These kids are only 6 and 8 years old…

This week, I sat through about ten minutes show called Extreme Dating, which was so good that it was being broadcast at the prime slot of 6:30 AM. The premise was that two people go on a date, but one of them has an earpiece that is connected to the other’s exes. The exes then try to ruin the date by feeding questions and insider information.

This episode had an extremely high-maintenance Swedish girl who was looking for a guy to read poetry to her all day and wait a mere six to eight months while she