Jon Dyer's Blog » TV

Is That A Wunder Boner In Your Pocket…

Jon — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 16:53:56 +0000

Am I the only one who wishes this product had a jingle? Wuuuunder Boner.

Wunder Boner Commercial

If one Wunder Boner is never enough, then today is your lucky day because it looks as if the Wunder Boner patent (US Patent No. 6,095,913) is up for sale. For the right price, you could be producing Wunder Boners worldwide.

I’ll start working on the “Wunder Boner Wizard” T-shirt design while you check your savings account balance.

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1970′s PSA: VD Is For Everybody

Jon — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 17:56:06 +0000

Dear 1970′s,

I found this outside your locker. If you feel like there’s anything you want to talk about, I’ll be available during normal business hours all week.

-Jon

70s PSA: VD Is For Everybody

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Ballbuster: A Forgotten Family Game

Jon — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 10:00:15 +0000

I was looking up some old commercials at for a recent Life of Riley post, and ran into this strange game ad from a time when Saturday morning cartoons kept the kids attention, the gas crisis kept the parents attention, and busting balls was a family pastime.

The more you look back at the 70′s, the less surprising it is that people thought bell bottoms were cool.

Ballbuster: A Game For The Whole Family

(It’s a real 1970′s commercial, and is completely work safe.)

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30 Rock Is No Place For Beards

Jon — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 16:00:22 +0000

I was half paying attention while watching an episode of 30 Rock the other day, and had to rewind in one scene because I had the feeling that I had missed something.

As Liz Lemon steps off the elevator, Kenneth the page says, “Oh, you’re back. I guess I’m not in charge anymore.” He then pulls a sign off the wall:

Sunufa.

You can watch the The Funcooker episode of 30 Rock on Hulu.

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Happy Valentine’s Day, Pat

Jon — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 14:13:25 +0000

Alternate Post Titles:

“I’d like to buy an A, please.”
“No, It Can’t Wait Until A Commercial Break.”
“Oh, Vanna, No.”
“A Simple Box of Chocolates Would’ve Been Fine.”

For those of you who are not looking forward to the upcoming love fest that we call Valentine’s Day, you can make your own Valentine’s Day (or VD) messages at Atomsmasher’s word puzzle generator.

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I Made The Pats Lose The Super Bowl

Jon — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 10:00:58 +0000

I’m a geek. I never watch sports. I don’t watch when local sports teams are losing, and I don’t jump on the bandwagon when they’re winning. As the Pats marched through their 18 and 0 season this year, I didn’t bother to watch a single game.

Last night, Pats fans, you were robbed of flipping over cars to celebrate a Super Bowl win. I’d like to let you continue to blame the mayor for prematurely planning a victory parade, or for not hugging your lucky football tight enough during the second half, but I have to come clean.

Last night, instead of doing something useful with my time, I maliciously sat down and watched the Super Bowl from end to end (including all of the commercials) with no regard for the Pats undefeated season. The Pats did the best that they could considering my absolute power over their ability to win or lose. I watched, and was the reason that you had to pee in a toilet rather than taking a victory wiz in the middle of the street last night.

Sorry, Pats fans. Don’t send me hate mail. It was an abuse of my power, and I promise not to force the outcome of local sports matches in years to come.

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Bloop Bloop Bloop: The Music of Prime Time Dramas

Jon — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 10:00:15 +0000

#1GF! is a big fan of a lot of the prime time dramas like Grey’s Anatomy and Desperate Housewives, and I’ve learned to leave the room because my eye rolling and talking at the TV tends to ruin the shows for her. I can always tell when I shouldn’t enter a room because all the shows seem to have the same bloop bloop bloop music.

When I saw the following four minute podcast from Current TV, I felt like Connor Knighton had read my mind. Ladies, you might not want to watch this, because it’s really hard to re-ignore something once someone points it out.

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How Not To Woo Women With Iron Maiden

Jon — Fri, 14 Sep 2007 10:00:52 +0000

This week, I sat through about ten minutes show called Extreme Dating, which was so good that it was being broadcast at the prime slot of 6:30 AM. The premise was that two people go on a date, but one of them has an earpiece that is connected to the other’s exes. The exes then try to ruin the date by feeding questions and insider information.

This episode had an extremely high-maintenance Swedish girl who was looking for a guy to read poetry to her all day and wait a mere six to eight months while she processed his councilor’s application to Camp Cootchie. The guy, who looked like Kevin Sorbo after a couple of solid whacks to the face with a tire iron, had the girl’s exes in his ear.

As they got into a hot tub, she asked Uglercules to recite her some poetry. He responded with a frustrated, “GeeEEEZ! Can we forGET the poetry?” Just as she started to pout, her exes on the other end of the guy’s earpiece chimed in.

Ex’s: Hold on, I’ve got poetry. Try this on her. Repeat after me. White man came across the sea…
Dude: White man came across the sea.
Ex’s: He brought us pain and misery…
Dude: He brought us pain and misery…
Ex’s: We fought him hard, we fought him well…
Dude: We fought him hard, we fought him well.
Ex’s: Oh my god, I forget the song.
Dude: Oh my god, I forget the song. [Girl exits hot tub]

What Was Worse?

A.) That they were using a song about the slaughter of Native Americans as romantic poetry,
B.) That the guy had no idea that he was being fed Iron Maiden,
C.) That the guy repeated the last line blindly, or
D.) Wait, did you say eight months?

Run To The Hills

While you formulate your answer, feel free to check out a version of Iron Maiden’s “Run to the Hills” recorded live in Gothenburg, Sweden.

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Hull Kayaker Rescue

Jon — Mon, 03 Sep 2007 10:00:42 +0000

After a pretty substandard day of house hunting, #1GF! and I were going over to her brother’s house for dinner. On our way out of Hull, we noticed a group of people looking over the edge of a bridge. Because something didn’t look right, I asked #1GF! to pull over.

For the next half hour, I ended up holding several different ropes to aid in the rescue of some kayakers who were trapped under a bridge in a rapidly rising tide. The real heroes were in the water, but if you see the story on the news, I was the guy in the white ringer t-shirt and sunglasses holding the ropes that were holding up the ladder that one of the rescuers was standing on.

With the aid of two fire departments, two local police departments, the State Police, the Harbor master, and a bunch of civilians, three kayakers and one fireman were eventually pulled to safety.

After a couple of miles of silence, #1GF! and I started talking about it.

Me: I’m glad we stopped.

#1GF!: Yea, it feels good to be needed.

Me: Nah. I don’t really need to feel needed.

#1GF!: Well, it feels pretty good to help people.

Me: Yea, but I think it was something else. It’s like someone said that it was very important to hold on those ropes, and I held on to the ropes. I couldn’t see or control what was happening to the kayakers, so all I could do was focus on holding onto the ropes and watching the guys in front of me in case they lost their balance. That’s it. Whether the kayakers came out or not, I was going to hold those ropes until I was told that it was no longer critical to do so.

#1GF!: I was waving off another idiot kayaker who was coming in for a closer look. I’m still shaking.

Me: That’s because you have a lot of empathy. I’m pretty relaxed. It’s like when I listen to death metal, you know? I’m calmer in the middle of a shit storm than when I’m trying to decide what to have for dinner. Remember when they pulled that old lady out?

#1GF!: Yea

Me: Well, I was getting pissed at her because she wouldn’t put her legs down and stand up. The woman had been drowning under a bridge, and I’m thinking, “Get yourself together, put your fucking foot down, and help them get you over the guard rail”. The woman was scared and sobbing, but I was more focussed on the task than on how scared she must’ve been. That’s low empathy. Maybe I really should’ve taken that Army scholarship years ago. The army needs people with low empathy and the ability to focus on tasks. But, then I probably wouldn’t be here today if I had.

#1GF!: Sort of makes you want to be a fireman, huh?

Me: You know, it really does.

The whole thing is still a bit muddled in my head, but here’s the rescue video from CityNews and another one from iCaught.

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Bubbles’ New Shed

Jon — Tue, 07 Aug 2007 00:55:46 +0000

Here’s a pic of the completed 10×14 metal shed with the cardboard “Bubbles” sign above it. Maybe it was the heat, but that two second sign made the three days of labor totally worth it…

The reference is to a character on Trailer Park Boys who lives in a shed with all his cats.

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GetDemocracy: Indy Web TV Selections

Jon — Fri, 18 May 2007 03:11:31 +0000

I’ve been moderating channels for the Democracy Player for a month or so, and I’ve been on a tear to find independent web TV that I can watch instead of cable. There’s a ton of video that I’m still sifting through, but I’ve been amazed at how many quality web TV shows that I have queued up for when I have a spare minute. And thanks to the Democracy Channel Guide, the list keeps growing.

There is quality independent content out there. It’s just sort of difficult to find. Because it’s the end of the week, I thought I’d save you some searching and hook you up with a few of the series that I’ve come across recently.

We Need Girlfriends

Out of all the videos episodes I’m watching right now, this is one of my favorites. It’s about three nerds who need girlfriends.
We Need Girlfriends

Good Morning World

This is a daily show that spoofs the idiocy of morning shows.
Good Morning World

Who’s Gonna Train Me?

This is technically indy, but it is produced by VH1, so I’m not sure if it counts. This is a series that chronicles a reality show about a boxer looking for a trainer.
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3

Sockbaby

Sockbaby is a pretty neat little 3 part video from 2004 that spans about 15 minutes in total. The fight scenes are pretty good for an indy film, and it’s a shame that it never made it past 3 episodes.
Sockbaby

L33t Haxxors

This is a completely silly four part series about, you guessed it, Elite Hackers.
L33t Haxxors

Planet Unicorn

“In the year 2117, an eight year old gay boy named Shannon found a magic lamp. He was granted three wishes. The first: A fur jacket. The second: a flying car. And the third was a planet. full. of unicorns. This is the story of that planet.” Are you sitting there with your fucking mouth wide open? Wait until you hear the theme song.
Planet Unicorn

If you have an indy web series that you watch, drop it in the comments.

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Best Threat Ever

Jon — Thu, 03 May 2007 03:34:19 +0000

I’m not in the habit of writing about TV shows, but I how can I not mention a show if it gave me my favorite, yet most ineffectual threat.

“I will cut you open like a Tauntaun.”

Thanks, 30 Rock.

You can watch the whole season of 30 Rock, including the episode that I’m referring to (Episode 21: Hiatus) at NBC.com. You have to watch commercials, but at least they don’t try to make you install a player like ABC or CBS.

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Television Without Fail

Jon — Wed, 07 Mar 2007 02:40:00 +0000

It’s sad what a cliche I’ve become, when after a shit day on the job, the only thing I want to do is pour myself into the couch and bleach my brain with the deluge of prepackaged, lifeless programming until it’s time to go to bed. And worse, television had become such a constantly available crutch in my life that I found myself looking to live humans for entertainment less often.

And I guess that was the point of shutting the box off: Make the house more boring and force the need for more human contact. Reawaken the brain. Get out of the house. Make the strangers acquaintances, the acquaintances friends, and the friends into good friends.

Yet, it was an uphill battle, because even though I was consciously making an effort not to watch, TV’s are everywhere. They’re at the gym facing all the cardio equipment distracting me from my workout. They’re in the bar facing the dining room distracting me from my lovely date. Fuck, there is even a big ass, widescreen flat panel in the kitchen at work that runs CNN all day that drags me under whenever I want a drink of water. There have been several occasions in the last week where I’ve snapped out of an unconscious haze and found myself staring at a random TV watching nothing in particular.

By shutting the TV off, I found that I switched my brain on. Unfortunately, instead of transforming into a big, enlightened Buddha, with peaceful thoughts flowing around the meaning of life, I found myself becoming increasingly antsy and frustrated a lot of the time. Not only did I have plenty of time to dedicate to thinking about both large and small issues, but I had the time to dwell on them. And as my brain ramped up, I noticed a decrease in both my complacent attitude and my tolerance for being treated like an idiot.

While probably positive in the long run, this has pretty much precluded me from getting any enjoyment from morning drive time radio or my job. Just this morning, I found myself getting excessively frustrated as the radio “personalities” punctuated their re-hashed, unfunny jokes with poorly chosen sounds clips and moronic callers. The thought of topping that forty minute fucktard sundae with eight hours as a zombie had me ready to attempt a ’70′s action hero jump from the car.

But, I didn’t.

I went to work and did my job.

Like I always do.

Tonight, because I’m tired of feeling like there’s something wrong with me, I turned the TV back on and let myself slip back under the wave.

Because I really don’t know what else to do.

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Return of the Experiment: Kill Your TV II

Jon — Tue, 27 Feb 2007 02:24:45 +0000

One of the first posts that I ever published was an experiment to see if I could shut off my television for 7 days. At the time, I found the first two days were marked with definite withdrawal, but after that there was a marked increase in brain activity as my brain transformed from a passive observer to an active participant.

Because I’ve been feeling the life sliding out of me lately, a couple of days ago, I started the experiment again. And because television is a habit backed by billion dollar marketing machine, it’s a tough habit to break. I’ve gotten a lot of shit done over the last couple of days, and even though my brain seems to be coming up with more ideas lately, it’s not smart enough to help me avoid getting my ass whipped by #1GF! in every game of Lost Cities we play.

If you need a little encouragement to participate, check out the original Kill Your Television post

I’d love to hear if you participate and if it does you any good.

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Housed

Jon — Fri, 30 Sep 2005 02:18:03 +0000

Co-worker1: You don’t like House? But, he so sarcastic and funny! And mean!”
Me: “Not really. I can’t sit through a whole show for a few good comments.”
Co-worker1: “But, he’s just like you.”
Me: Actually, I think he’s kind of an asshole.”
Co-worker2: “Bingo!”

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