School’s in sucker. Ans you know… U Can’t Touch This.

Hammer Dance Flash Mob

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-Jon

70s PSA: VD Is For Everybody

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until we got along side of it and saw this “feature” listed on the door…

This wasn’t any sort of photo editing. This deadly U-Haul really exists out there somewhere.

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(Now, whenever I see deer, duck, moose, pedestrian, or any type of Xing sign, I end up smirking like a 12 year old.)

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Matt’s latest video is four and a half minutes of people from 42 countries sharing a brief moment of silliness, which is something that we all can use to remind ourselves that there is a big, fun world out there beyond bosses, bills, and baggage. It also should serve as a reminder that if your cubicle is sucking the life out of you, you’ll never know what strange adventures are in store for you until you turn in your ID badge and leave it behind.

Matt, if the unlikely event that you ever happen upon this page, thanks for making my day a few times over. This is awesome.

(found via Boingboing)

More information on where the hell Matt is now can be found at his website, wherethehellismatt.com

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Daughter: Ma, you can’t say Chinaman. No one says that anymore.

Mom: What? Well, what am I supposed to say?

Daughter: I dunno. Asian.

Mom: GEISHAN? Oh, come on now.

Daughter: Aaaaasian.

Mom: Well, what’s wrong with Chinaman?

Daughter: It’s like Negro. No one says that anymore.

Mom: Since when don’t people say Negro?

Daughter: Oh, a long time, Ma.

Mom: Well, what am I supposed to call them, then?

Daughter: Black or African American, I think.

Mom: African American? They get TWO names?

Daughter: Yes, Ma.

Mom: Two names. What Am I then?

Daughter: You’re still white, Ma.

[Indian waiter delivers food and walks off]

Mom: Is he a Geishan? Because he looks black to me.

Daughter: Oh, dear lord.

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Sunday: 12:23 a.m. caller reports a car alarm sounding and this is an ongoing problem. Officers detailed report only sounds are chirping birds. Female called again and states this is an electronic alarm that sounds like birds and requests that the officers check again. Officer advised and reports this is a bird in a tree.

Have you ever heard birds imitate car alarms in your area?

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It didn’t, so it wasn’t, but thanks to some creative individuals out there, the Swing Wing may still have a chance at catching on with pre-headbangers, tiny hustlers, and kids who are on the “E”. Or the “X”. Or whatever the kids are ingesting that makes them swing around glow sticks these days.

The Swing Wing Thrash Remix (featuring Slayer)

The Swing Wing West Coast Hip Hop Remix (featuring E-40)

The Swing Wing Techno Remix (featuring John Acquaviva)

Some of the segments worked really well depending on the music. Did you have a favorite part?

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This is what happens when I’m left alone all day with nothing to do. It’s hard to look away from though, isn’t it?

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After watching it a few times, I’m not so sure that I should’ve included it. The tones of the bottles during the test runs at the beginning of the video really don’t match with the tones when the theme is playing, making it seem like it might be a hoax.

What do you think? Is this a fake?

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“Let him who hath understanding
reckon the number of the beast
for it is a human number
its number is six hundred and sixty six.”
-Revelations 13:18

I always had a suspicion that my site logo may be working it’s black magic on my site stats behind the scenes, but could never prove it. He’s always sitting up there looking all like “IM UP IN YOUR BROWZR CURSN UR PAYJZ, BICHZ”. Now, I finally have the proof that the evil bastard is all up in my browser cursing my pages. Look at this little gem that I came across when looking through my stats this morning:

Can someone call Jebus for me? Or at least loan me a pair of boots of escapening with a +2d6 against evil logos?

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If the sound of the Theramin isn’t strange enough, the way that it has to be played makes it look like the musician is constantly going “Ta Dah!” for a a trick that you never see. This video should bring a twinkle to your eye with its almost surreal awesomeness.

Enjoy!

Pekkanini With “White Christmas” on the Theramin

If you’re looking for more holiday music to get you through the next couple of days, don’t forget about all the great playlists that you all contributed to FineTune Friday: The Holidaze.

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Beard, No Beard, Beard Beard, Mooostache.

Beard, No Beard

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#1GF!: [Underappreciated Worker] just told me that he’s thinking of pulling a Dyer right now. He’s going to make “Dyer” a verb like “did you hear about [co-worker who quit]? He just Dyered yesterday.”
Me: Awe. Some.
#1GF!: It made me laugh.
Me: It’s the opposite of getting Dooced.
#1GF!: Why’s that?
Me: To get Dooced is to get fired for your blog. To Dyer is to suddenly quit for your blog.
#1GF!: Here’s a quote: “Well, now I’m going to go home…drink beer, and dyer all over my bathroom floor”
Me: Wait, what?
#1GF!: He used it as a verb.
Me: Wait, now “dyer” means “throw up”?
#1GF!: He just said that he wanted you to know that using it just made him feel better.
Me: Does “dyer” mean “suddenly quit” or “throw up”?
#1GF!: Quit at first, then throw up.
Me: Hold on now. You can’t just randomly throw a word around and have it mean anything you want. English doesn’t work like that. You can’t say things like “It’s Dyer to Dyer a Dyer, To Dyer a Dyer that’s right on Dyer. It’s Dyer…it’s Dyer (Dyer) Dyer (Dyer)”. This isn’t the f’ing smurfs.

The title, “I’m going to help you up the stairs”, was changed to illustrate potential problems with this new linguistic proposal.

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You will not be surprised to find out that BeardPick is in IT and undertook this death-defying stunt to entertain his co-workers. I think my favorite thing about the IT crowd is the strange things they do to entertain each other.

2,000 Toothpicks

1,600 Toothpicks

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After a pretty substandard day of house hunting, #1GF! and I were going over to her brother’s house for dinner. On our way out of Hull, we noticed a group of people looking over the edge of a bridge. Because something didn’t look right, I asked #1GF! to pull over.

For the next half hour, I ended up holding several different ropes to aid in the rescue of some kayakers who were trapped under a bridge in a rapidly rising tide. The real heroes were in the water, but if you see the story on the news, I was the guy in the white ringer t-shirt and sunglasses holding the ropes that were holding up the ladder that one of the rescuers was standing on.

With the aid of two fire departments, two local police departments, the State Police, the Harbor master, and a bunch of civilians, three kayakers and one fireman were eventually pulled to safety.

After a couple of miles of silence, #1GF! and I started talking about it.

Me: I’m glad we stopped.

#1GF!: Yea, it feels good to be needed.

Me: Nah. I don’t really need to feel needed.

#1GF!: Well, it feels pretty good to help people.

Me: Yea, but I think it was something else. It’s like someone said that it was very important to hold on those ropes, and I held on to the ropes. I couldn’t see or control what was happening to the kayakers, so all I could do was focus on holding onto the ropes and watching the guys in front of me in case they lost their balance. That’s it. Whether the kayakers came out or not, I was going to hold those ropes until I was told that it was no longer critical to do so.

#1GF!: I was waving off another idiot kayaker who was coming in for a closer look. I’m still shaking.

Me: That’s because you have a lot of empathy. I’m pretty relaxed. It’s like when I listen to death metal, you know? I’m calmer in the middle of a shit storm than when I’m trying to decide what to have for dinner. Remember when they pulled that old lady out?

#1GF!: Yea

Me: Well, I was getting pissed at her because she wouldn’t put her legs down and stand up. The woman had been drowning under a bridge, and I’m thinking, “Get yourself together, put your fucking foot down, and help them get you over the guard rail”. The woman was scared and sobbing, but I was more focussed on the task than on how scared she must’ve been. That’s low empathy. Maybe I really should’ve taken that Army scholarship years ago. The army needs people with low empathy and the ability to focus on tasks. But, then I probably wouldn’t be here today if I had.

#1GF!: Sort of makes you want to be a fireman, huh?

Me: You know, it really does.

The whole thing is still a bit muddled in my head, but here’s the rescue video from CityNews and another one from iCaught.

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This week, while discussing it with someone, we found out that the house may have been previously owned by Louise Wightman, a former Combat Zone stripper and Playboy model who was convicted of practicing psychology without a license back in 2005.

Wightman had a daughter named Torri with Aerosmith’s head of security, but in May of 2006, the girl skipped school and was killed in a daytime car accident at the age of 16.

When we found all this out, #1GF! and I were wide eyed, remembering how sad the house was to be in. I think we both wanted to know more, but didn’t want to be morbid, googling the details of a dead teenager.

Today, I needed a couple of details to close the books on this story, and Wikipedia led me to Torri’s Wightman’s website. There I ended up seeing the pictures of her funeral, the bloody clothes she died in, and even what I think is her toe tag, warning people to think whenever they get into a car.

From there I ended up finding a link to Torri Wightman’s myspace videos. While fairly typical for teenage videos, watching them was an atypical experience because the happy teenager depicted had no idea that those captured idle moments would soon be frozen in time.

It made me wonder what’s really important to keep locked in our memories. Is it the big events when we’re posing for the camera? Or should we be burning the insignificant details to memory because, in the end, the idle moments make us who are, and will be the things we want to remember most?

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And all these Stormtrooper posts have awakened that secret childhood desire to dress up like Stormtroopers, haven’t they? It certainly has for Kerry and Johnny Wadd, and it probably has for you too. No one should have to deny their inner ‘trooper, but with Stormtrooper costumes starting at over $650 on Ebay, getting your trooper on will probably require that you sit down and make the costume yourself.

Of course if you spend all that time and money on your new obsession, you’re bound to try to get your money’s worth. You’ll probably start slowly by wearing your costume to designated events, but that will eventually give way to you wearing it on special occasions like “Saturdays”. You’ll soon be wearing it on errands and out to dinner because the armor feels so natural against your Imperial skin. Eventually you’ll run out of places that you haven’t worn it.

I figure that that’s about the time that you’ll start wearing it to work. And while most of your co-workers and former co-workers will think that you are the most completely awesome LAN admin in the galaxy, your boss probably won’t. And that’s when you end up like TK822, The Unemployed Stormtrooper.

For you’re own good, maybe you should skip the following section and just go directly to the video at the end…

Stormtrooper Costuming Resources

• The 501st Stormtrooper Legion
• Garrison Carida Stormtrooper Resources
• Studio Creations Stormtrooper How To
• TX-899’s Stormtrooper Armor building
• TK560’s Stormtrooper armor reference
• Star Wars Helmet Archive
• Vacuum forming demonstration videos
• Stormtrooper tutorials and reference from TK300 Blast’em

Video: The Unemployed Stormtrooper

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Tokyo Dance Trooper

Like what you read? Subscribe to my RSS Feed.

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Until now.

Thanks to some recently obtained photos, we now have indisputable proof that when they’re not out crushing the Rebellion, most Imperial Stormtroopers live their lives just like you and I.

What do they do when they’re not on duty? We now know that they…

1. Go to parties
   
2. Take Hawaiian vacations
   
3. Hang with Buddy Christ
   
4. Run marathons
   
5. Shop for groceries
   
6. Moonlight at Starbucks
   
7. Cut it up on the wheels of steel
   
8. Ride merry-go-rounds
   
9. Chill with fish mongers
   
10. Hang with French maids
    
11. Go to the mall
    
12. Eat noodles
    
13. Get haircuts
    
14. Attend business meetings
    
15. Ride the subway
    
16. Rock out with Kiss
    
17. Smoke weed
    
18. Write advertisements
    
19. Make some extra cash pole dancing
    
20. Get hassled by the man
    
21. Kick around their lawyers
    
22. Check their blood pressure
    
23. Hula hoop
    
24. March in parades
    
25. Ride amusement park rides
    
26. Harass Spongebob and his stupid square pants
    
27. Attend VW car shows
    
28. Check tomatoes for signs of small, penetrable ventilation ducts
    
29. Audition for Reservoir Dogs
    
30. Have breakfast
    
31. Eat in cafeterias
    
32. Patronize weirdos
    
33. Sneak a peak at your junk when you’re drunk
    
34. Catch gnarly waves
    
35. Pwn N00bs
    
36. Listen to Van Halen and wonder, “WWDLRD?”
    
37. Go book shopping
    
38. Hang out with their brother the imperial accountant
    
39. Play with Barbies
    
40. Chill on the porch
    
41. Drink dark beer
    
42. Drain the main vein
    
43. Mow the lawn
    
44. Celebrate the holidays
    
45. Relax by the lake
    
46. Drink Pepsi
    
47. aaaAAA AAA Afternoon Delight!
    
48. Get in some cardio
    
49. Taunt small children
    
50. Go to rock concerts
    
51. Hit the arcade
    
52. Hang with pro wrestlers
    
53. Visit Mexico
    
54. Move major keys right under the DEA’s nose
    
55. Eat ice cream
    
56. Moonlight for Scotland Yard
    
57. Hang with rock stars
    
58. Everybody say, “Breakdance!”
    
59. Dine in Middleboro
    
60. Go bowling
    
61. Sit on fences
    
62. Sit in windows
    
63. Hide in swamps
    
64. Drop Wookies off at the pool
    
65. Sing like the King
    
66. Ride their Segways
    
67. Play football like the ancient Americans
    
68. Get parking tickets
    
69. Stunt double for Evil Knievel
    
70. Bag groceries
    
71. Play “go fish”
    
72. Go swimming
    
73. Babysit
    
74. Have threesomes
    
75. Get milked by Jedis
    
76. Bench press
    
77. Watch TV
    
78. Attend local sporting events
    
79. Hang out with Ronnie McD
    
80. Intentionally Ignore Bob
    
81. Celebrate St. Patty’s Day
    
82. Drift race
    
83. Pimp their rides
    
84. Go broke
    
85. Really go broke
    
86. Take public transportation
    
87. Get drunk and check random cars for droids
    
88. Dress up like Spiderman
    
89. Harass Best Buy employees
    
90. Get crushed by a giant Spiderman
    
91. Hang with the ladies from church
    
92. Relax in the pool
    
93. Fight the Yakuza
    
94. Make new friends
    
95. Taunt the rebellion
    
96. Get tattoos
    
97. Commit to Hello Kitty in a serious way
    
98. Aggrivate Gene Simmons
    
99. Take up amateur photography
    
100. Take long walks on the beach
     

See? Stormtroopers are just like you and me.

Did you have some favorites? Let me know in the comments.

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After walking through a doorway that had obviously been sealed shut with masking tape, I was faced with giant words like “NOT FAIR” and “COME HOME” written on the walls in magic marker. I didn’t understand the masking tape, but I assumed that the messages were due to the previous owner being upset about the foreclosure. In the next room, I found a girl’s name and two dates written in marker on the inside of a closet with the words “16 years and 53 days”. It started to feel like whoever had been foreclosed on may have also been dealing with the death of a teenager.

The house was incredibly huge, and I was torn between an incredibly good deal and the heavy air of sadness in the house. While I was forcing myself to remember that buying a house that was already foreclosed on was not taking anything further from the previous owner, I came across a tiny note scrawled on the kitchen doorway that convinced me it was time to move on. The note read,

“I still look for your fingerprints.”

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“11:34 PM: Caller reports a man in a gorilla costume doing Karate moves in the street. She finds this to be very suspicious. Officer detailed reported that suspect found the costume in the basement and was goofing around.”

On a Related Note: Kung Fu Gorilla vs. Aquaman

Now, if that Kung Fu Gorilla was on the scene when the following video took place, Aquaman might have not been victorious. I had to watch this twice just to make sure of what I was seeing, and I am forced to wonder if something is seriously wrong with kids today. Doodleoodleooo AquaMAAAAA HAN!

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And I’m not alone. Below are the results of sifting through hundreds of videos to try to find the theme played on as many instruments as possible. I ended up with 43 decent renditions, covering brass, woodwinds, string and percussion instruments. The top ten is below, and the full 44 is listed at the bottom.

Before you proceed, be warned that I claim no responsibility if the Super Mario Theme is still stuck in your head next Tuesday.

Update 4/16/08: The RC car video was added at #2, pushing “Flute (with beatboxing) out of the top 10. Technically, the list is now 45 ways.

The Top 10 Super Mario Renditions

10. High school band
The odds are extremely high that the only person in this video that was alive to play Super Mario Brothers when it came out was the teacher. And a high school band is obligatory in this type of list, anyway, isn’t it? You know it is.

9. Contrabassoon
There’s something about the sound of the contrabassoon that cracks me up. And Richard plays it for us fabulously, even though he can’t get the camera situated the way he’d like.

8. Two Electric Guitars
Two guitars. One kid. I haven’t seen anything like this since Satan unleashed his metal fury in Rock n Roll Nightmare.

7. 11 String Bass
When I form my world-conquering metal band, The Mighty Fist of Thor, this guy is getting an invite to audition. He will invariably deem the music to be below his abilities, get a PhD in Music History, and die never knowing the gratification that comes with doing twelve chicks from eleven countries at the same time in a tour bus hot tub. At least he made it to evil number six on the list though, right?

6. Balalaika (Russian folk guitar)
While this version isn’t played the most accurately, I have never seen anyone play a folk instrument with such a rock star attitude. And considering he’s playing the Super Mario Theme, I’m guessing the reason is either insanity or nuts the size of Titan. In either case, this guy is also getting an invite to the Mighty Fist of Thor auditions, assuming my agent can find his tiny village in Russia.

5. Alto sax
Notice that this kid is not only in the standard rock star stance, but he plays the song in the style of Lisa Simpson.

4. Ballpoint Pen
While not yet accepted as a standard orchestral instrument, the ballpoint pen takes slot number 3. I think my favorite part of this is the “This is just an ordinary pen” move at the beginning, as if he’s about to do some sort of remarkable magic trick with it.

3. Beer Bottles
“Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.” Oh no? Well, it gets you famous on YouTube, now doesn’t it? Yes, and it gets you the number two slot on this list.

2. RC Car and Bottles
Take a lot of bottles, a radio controlled car, an underground garage, and the Japanese and throw them in a blender and you know that something awesome is going to be unleashed. This was a late addition that knocked “flute (with beatboxing)” off the top ten list, debuting at #2.

1. Tesla Coil
These guys jack it up to 88 miles an hour and play the Super Mario Theme with 1.21 gigawatts of power. Seriously. How can you beat that? 1.21 gigawatts!? 1.21 gigawatts!? Great Scott! the only power source capable of generating 1.21 gigawatts of electricity is… Mario.

If you haven’t gotten enough, yet, continue on. I take no responsibility for any further damage you do to your nerdy little synapses…

Top 44 Super Mario Themes, Listed By Instrument

Accordion
Acoustic Guitar
Alto Horns
Alto Sax, see #5
Ballpoint Pen, see #4
Banjo and guitar
Beer Bottles, see #3
Balalaika (Russian folk guitar), see #6
Brass Quartet
Cello
Church organ
Clarinet Quartet
Contrabassoon, see #9
Cornet
Drums
Electric Guitar
Electric Guitar x2, see #8
Electric Bass
11 String Electric Bass, see #7
Erhu (Chinese Violin)
Euphonium and Saxhorn
Flute (with Beatboxing)
Flute and Clarinet
Harmonica
High School Band, see #10
Mandolin
Marching Band
Mouth Harp
Orchestra
Piano
Radio Controlled Car with Beer Bottles, see #2
Rock Band
Ruler and Table
Saxomophone
Stage Production
Tesla Coil, see #1
Trombones
Trumpet
Tuba
Ukulele
Upright Bass
Violin
Viola
Vocals (A capella)
Xylophones

Did I miss your favorite instrument? Drop it in the comments.

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