While waiting for #1GF! to get out the door this morning, I was sitting on the bed and singing to the baby. “Ear way in hay ee thay uney may. Ear way in hay ee thay uney may.”
#1GF! snapped out of her morning routine for a second. “Wait. What are you singing?”
I shrugged and repeated. “Ear way in hay ee thay uney may.”
#1GF! shook her head. “What is it? Did you make it up?”
It wasn’t an invalid question. It’s not entirely uncommon for me to make up songs. “No, I’m singing ‘We’re in the Money’.”
“Oh my god.”
“It’s Pig Latin.”
“Oh. my. god. She knows a handful of words and you’re already branching out into Pig Latin? Is that a good idea?”
I shook my head. “It’s from this movie from 1933 called Gold Diggers. Ginger Rogers sings it.”
“So…you’re singing it in Pig Latin.”
“She did too.”
“No, she didn’t.”
“Oh, yes she did.”
“In 1933.” #1GF! dipped her chin. “Riiight.”
“Really. It’s an old-school, big-production dance number until the camera gets right up in her face and she starts singing in Pig Latin. I’m telling you. It’s really weird.”
#1GF! shook her head. “How do you find these things?”
I mistakenly thought it was an actual question. “Well, during a writing break yesterday, I was looking for a little history on Esquivel, and Wikipedia called him the ‘The Busby Berkley of Cocktail Music.’ So, I was like, ‘Who the hell is Busby Bixby,’ and—”
#1GF! patted my chest. “Okay. I have to go.”
“You’ll see. I’m going to find the video for you.”
She kissed me as if she were patting my head. “Love you, gotta run.”
“It’s real,” I muttered as she walked down the hall.
While it seems like a bit of a promotional stunt for MC Hammer’s upcoming show Hammertime than a natural flash mob, it’s difficult not to appreciate a ton of people showing up out of nowhere to do the hammer dance. Any resistance you have to the idea will be broken down by the sheer volume of gold hammer pants.
School’s in sucker. Ans you know… U Can’t Touch This.
Matt Harding quit his job a few years back, and wandered around Asia until the money that he had saved ran out. At a friend’s suggestion, he filmed himself showing off his unique style of dancing in various places during the trip. In 2006, his video caught the attention of Stride Gum, who sponsored a six month trip to 39 countries for another round of dancing. In 2007, Matt got Stride to sponsor a second trip around the world so that he could film other people doing his dance with him. That idea transformed his video from a neat oddity into something that you can’t help but smile at.
Matt’s latest video is four and a half minutes of people from 42 countries sharing a brief moment of silliness, which is something that we all can use to remind ourselves that there is a big, fun world out there beyond bosses, bills, and baggage. It also should serve as a reminder that if your cubicle is sucking the life out of you, you’ll never know what strange adventures are in store for you until you turn in your ID badge and leave it behind.
Matt, if the unlikely event that you ever happen upon this page, thanks for making my day a few times over. This is awesome.
I mentioned a couple of years ago that there was a crazy bird in the area that imitated the sound of a car alarm. Well, it seems that the bird is back because #1GF! found this gem in our small town police log:
Sunday: 12:23 a.m. caller reports a car alarm sounding and this is an ongoing problem. Officers detailed report only sounds are chirping birds. Female called again and states this is an electronic alarm that sounds like birds and requests that the officers check again. Officer advised and reports this is a bird in a tree.
Have you ever heard birds imitate car alarms in your area?
When Mike sent over an old commercial for a weird kids’ toy called the Swing Wing, my first thought was, “Monkey? check. Elephant? check. Soundtrack? Meh. If this toy only had a big name band doing its jingle, it could’ve been as big a fad for the head as hula hoop was for the waist.”
It didn’t, so it wasn’t, but thanks to some creative individuals out there, the Swing Wing may still have a chance at catching on with pre-headbangers, tiny hustlers, and kids who are on the “E”. Or the “X”. Or whatever the kids are ingesting that makes them swing around glow sticks these days.
If you can hear the Super Mario theme and feel like you’re home, then two things are true: you’re old and you’re a geek. Yesterday, while watching Attack of the Show, I saw a video of a radio controlled car playing the Super Mario Brothers Theme and thought it was awesome enough to add to my list of 44 Ways to Enjoy the Super Mario Theme.
After watching it a few times, I’m not so sure that I should’ve included it. The tones of the bottles during the test runs at the beginning of the video really don’t match with the tones when the theme is playing, making it seem like it might be a hoax.
“Let him who hath understanding
reckon the number of the beast
for it is a human number
its number is six hundred and sixty six.”
I always had a suspicion that my site logo may be working it’s black magic on my site stats behind the scenes, but could never prove it. He’s always sitting up there looking all like “IM UP IN YOUR BROWZR CURSN UR PAYJZ, BICHZ”. Now, I finally have the proof that the evil bastard is all up in my browser cursing my pages. Look at this little gem that I came across when looking through my stats this morning:
Can someone call Jebus for me? Or at least loan me a pair of boots of escapening with a +2d6 against evil logos?
If talkbox professionals have had trouble finding work since the eighties, then imagine what the poor Theramin players are going through. There hasn’t been a large demand for the Theramin since Ed Wood was in nylons.
If the sound of the Theramin isn’t strange enough, the way that it has to be played makes it look like the musician is constantly going “Ta Dah!” for a a trick that you never see. This video should bring a twinkle to your eye with its almost surreal awesomeness.
Pekkanini With “White Christmas” on the Theramin
If you’re looking for more holiday music to get you through the next couple of days, don’t forget about all the great playlists that you all contributed to FineTune Friday: The Holidaze.
I feel like I’m cheating you out of music reviews every time I use a music Friday for a non-review post, but it’s a holiday week and I couldn’t pass this up. I have to give credit to Toria for sending this along and getting it stuck in my head.
I recently had the following conversation with #1GF!…
#1GF!: [Underappreciated Worker] just told me that he’s thinking of pulling a Dyer right now. He’s going to make “Dyer” a verb like “did you hear about [co-worker who quit]? He just Dyered yesterday.” Me: Awe. Some. #1GF!: It made me laugh. Me: It’s the opposite of getting Dooced. #1GF!: Why’s that? Me: To get Dooced is to get fired for your blog. To Dyer is to suddenly quit for your blog. #1GF!: Here’s a quote: “Well, now I’m going to go home…drink beer, and dyer all over my bathroom floor” Me: Wait, what? #1GF!: He used it as a verb. Me: Wait, now “dyer” means “throw up”? #1GF!: He just said that he wanted you to know that using it just made him feel better. Me: Does “dyer” mean “suddenly quit” or “throw up”? #1GF!: Quit at first, then throw up. Me: Hold on now. You can’t just randomly throw a word around and have it mean anything you want. English doesn’t work like that. You can’t say things like “It’s Dyer to Dyer a Dyer, To Dyer a Dyer that’s right on Dyer. It’s Dyer…it’s Dyer (Dyer) Dyer (Dyer)”. This isn’t the f’ing smurfs.
The title, “I’m going to help you up the stairs”, was changed to illustrate potential problems with this new linguistic proposal.
We all need to thank BeardPick for sending in this video of himself with 2,000 toothpicks stuck in his beard. He beats Payton, the 1600 toothpick guy (also featured below) by 25%. Who’s stepping up for the next 400?
You will not be surprised to find out that BeardPick is in IT and undertook this death-defying stunt to entertain his co-workers. I think my favorite thing about the IT crowd is the strange things they do to entertain each other.
After a pretty substandard day of house hunting, #1GF! and I were going over to her brother’s house for dinner. On our way out of Hull, we noticed a group of people looking over the edge of a bridge. Because something didn’t look right, I asked #1GF! to pull over.
For the next half hour, I ended up holding several different ropes to aid in the rescue of some kayakers who were trapped under a bridge in a rapidly rising tide. The real heroes were in the water, but if you see the story on the news, I was the guy in the white ringer t-shirt and sunglasses holding the ropes that were holding up the ladder that one of the rescuers was standing on.
With the aid of two fire departments, two local police departments, the State Police, the Harbor master, and a bunch of civilians, three kayakers and one fireman were eventually pulled to safety.
After a couple of miles of silence, #1GF! and I started talking about it.
Me: I’m glad we stopped.
#1GF!: Yea, it feels good to be needed.
Me: Nah. I don’t really need to feel needed.
#1GF!: Well, it feels pretty good to help people.
Me: Yea, but I think it was something else. It’s like someone said that it was very important to hold on those ropes, and I held on to the ropes. I couldn’t see or control what was happening to the kayakers, so all I could do was focus on holding onto the ropes and watching the guys in front of me in case they lost their balance. That’s it. Whether the kayakers came out or not, I was going to hold those ropes until I was told that it was no longer critical to do so.
#1GF!: I was waving off another idiot kayaker who was coming in for a closer look. I’m still shaking.
Me: That’s because you have a lot of empathy. I’m pretty relaxed. It’s like when I listen to death metal, you know? I’m calmer in the middle of a shit storm than when I’m trying to decide what to have for dinner. Remember when they pulled that old lady out?
Me: Well, I was getting pissed at her because she wouldn’t put her legs down and stand up. The woman had been drowning under a bridge, and I’m thinking, “Get yourself together, put your fucking foot down, and help them get you over the guard rail”. The woman was scared and sobbing, but I was more focussed on the task than on how scared she must’ve been. That’s low empathy. Maybe I really should’ve taken that Army scholarship years ago. The army needs people with low empathy and the ability to focus on tasks. But, then I probably wouldn’t be here today if I had.
#1GF!: Sort of makes you want to be a fireman, huh?
Last week I mentioned that I went into an open house where the previous owner had written all over the walls (see the post) and while I didn’t find it creepy, it did stick in my mind.
This week, while discussing it with someone, we found out that the house may have been previously owned by Louise Wightman, a former Combat Zone stripper and Playboy model who was convicted of practicing psychology without a license back in 2005.
Wightman had a daughter named Torri with Aerosmith’s head of security, but in May of 2006, the girl skipped school and was killed in a daytime car accident at the age of 16.
When we found all this out, #1GF! and I were wide eyed, remembering how sad the house was to be in. I think we both wanted to know more, but didn’t want to be morbid, googling the details of a dead teenager.
Today, I needed a couple of details to close the books on this story, and Wikipedia led me to Torri’s Wightman’s website. There I ended up seeing the pictures of her funeral, the bloody clothes she died in, and even what I think is her toe tag, warning people to think whenever they get into a car.
From there I ended up finding a link to Torri Wightman’s myspace videos. While fairly typical for teenage videos, watching them was an atypical experience because the happy teenager depicted had no idea that those captured idle moments would soon be frozen in time.
It made me wonder what’s really important to keep locked in our memories. Is it the big events when we’re posing for the camera? Or should we be burning the insignificant details to memory because, in the end, the idle moments make us who are, and will be the things we want to remember most?
Somehow it has become STORMTROOPER WEEK here at dyers.org! Not that you mind because you know that Stormtroopers are awesome. They may even be more awesome than ninjas.
And all these Stormtrooper posts have awakened that secret childhood desire to dress up like Stormtroopers, haven’t they? It certainly has for Kerry and Johnny Wadd, and it probably has for you too. No one should have to deny their inner ‘trooper, but with Stormtrooper costumes starting at over $650 on Ebay, getting your trooper on will probably require that you sit down and make the costume yourself.
Yesterday, I highlighted 101 pictures of Stormtroopers in every day situations. Most came from Flickr pools like the 501st Stormtrooper Legion, but a few of my favorites came from Danny Choo, the dancer in the Tokyo Dance Trooper video below. I don’t know if it’s the maids, the dancing, or the guy on the train trying not to stare, but I crack up at this every time.
Are Imperial Stormtroopers really the disposable, brain-dead killers that the media makes them out to be? Contrary to popular belief, very few are. For most, Stormtrooping is just a way to pay the rent and keep food on the table. Because of its potential negative impact on the Empire’s ruthless image, this information has always been a tightly guarded secret.
Thanks to some recently obtained photos, we now have indisputable proof that when they’re not out crushing the Rebellion, most Imperial Stormtroopers live their lives just like you and I.
What do they do when they’re not on duty? We now know that they…
While #1GF! and I were out looking for houses this past weekend, we came across a house that was priced very low for its size due to foreclosure. We’ve seen foreclosures before, but the house was empty and not nearly as destroyed as some we’ve seen, despite a lot of the fixtures being missing.
After walking through a doorway that had obviously been sealed shut with masking tape, I was faced with giant words like “NOT FAIR” and “COME HOME” written on the walls in magic marker. I didn’t understand the masking tape, but I assumed that the messages were due to the previous owner being upset about the foreclosure. In the next room, I found a girl’s name and two dates written in marker on the inside of a closet with the words “16 years and 53 days”. It started to feel like whoever had been foreclosed on may have also been dealing with the death of a teenager.
The house was incredibly huge, and I was torn between an incredibly good deal and the heavy air of sadness in the house. While I was forcing myself to remember that buying a house that was already foreclosed on was not taking anything further from the previous owner, I came across a tiny note scrawled on the kitchen doorway that convinced me it was time to move on. The note read,
Every week, #1GF! will sit down and read the police report from our local town newspaper. In the city this would be rather depressing, but in a small town, it often turns up some amusing items. This week, she found this gem:
“11:34 PM: Caller reports a man in a gorilla costume doing Karate moves in the street. She finds this to be very suspicious. Officer detailed reported that suspect found the costume in the basement and was goofing around.”
On a Related Note: Kung Fu Gorilla vs. Aquaman
Now, if that Kung Fu Gorilla was on the scene when the following video took place, Aquaman might have not been victorious. I had to watch this twice just to make sure of what I was seeing, and I am forced to wonder if something is seriously wrong with kids today. Doodleoodleooo AquaMAAAAA HAN!
I don’t know about you, but every time I hear the Super Mario theme, I feel like a big nerd. It’s a theme that any gamer over a certain age can hum off the top of their heads, and when people put their efforts into playing it, I end up grinning like a dope.
And I’m not alone. Below are the results of sifting through hundreds of videos to try to find the theme played on as many instruments as possible. I ended up with 43 decent renditions, covering brass, woodwinds, string and percussion instruments. The top ten is below, and the full 44 is listed at the bottom.
Before you proceed, be warned that I claim no responsibility if the Super Mario Theme is still stuck in your head next Tuesday.
Update 4/16/08: The RC car video was added at #2, pushing “Flute (with beatboxing) out of the top 10. Technically, the list is now 45 ways.
The Top 10 Super Mario Renditions
10. High school band
The odds are extremely high that the only person in this video that was alive to play Super Mario Brothers when it came out was the teacher. And a high school band is obligatory in this type of list, anyway, isn’t it? You know it is.
There’s something about the sound of the contrabassoon that cracks me up. And Richard plays it for us fabulously, even though he can’t get the camera situated the way he’d like.
8. Two Electric Guitars
Two guitars. One kid. I haven’t seen anything like this since Satan unleashed his metal fury in Rock n Roll Nightmare.
7. 11 String Bass
When I form my world-conquering metal band, The Mighty Fist of Thor, this guy is getting an invite to audition. He will invariably deem the music to be below his abilities, get a PhD in Music History, and die never knowing the gratification that comes with doing twelve chicks from eleven countries at the same time in a tour bus hot tub. At least he made it to evil number six on the list though, right?
6. Balalaika (Russian folk guitar)
While this version isn’t played the most accurately, I have never seen anyone play a folk instrument with such a rock star attitude. And considering he’s playing the Super Mario Theme, I’m guessing the reason is either insanity or nuts the size of Titan. In either case, this guy is also getting an invite to the Mighty Fist of Thor auditions, assuming my agent can find his tiny village in Russia.
5. Alto sax
Notice that this kid is not only in the standard rock star stance, but he plays the song in the style of Lisa Simpson.
4. Ballpoint Pen
While not yet accepted as a standard orchestral instrument, the ballpoint pen takes slot number 3. I think my favorite part of this is the “This is just an ordinary pen” move at the beginning, as if he’s about to do some sort of remarkable magic trick with it.
3. Beer Bottles
“Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.” Oh no? Well, it gets you famous on YouTube, now doesn’t it? Yes, and it gets you the number two slot on this list.
2. RC Car and Bottles
Take a lot of bottles, a radio controlled car, an underground garage, and the Japanese and throw them in a blender and you know that something awesome is going to be unleashed. This was a late addition that knocked “flute (with beatboxing)” off the top ten list, debuting at #2.
1. Tesla Coil
These guys jack it up to 88 miles an hour and play the Super Mario Theme with 1.21 gigawatts of power. Seriously. How can you beat that? 1.21 gigawatts!? 1.21 gigawatts!? Great Scott! the only power source capable of generating 1.21 gigawatts of electricity is… Mario.
If you haven’t gotten enough, yet, continue on. I take no responsibility for any further damage you do to your nerdy little synapses…
According to the AANR (The American Association of Nude Recreation), this week marks the 32nd annual Nude Recreation Week.
If the mere fact that there is a society for nude recreation isn’t amusing enough, check out their list of must do activities to try this week:
1. Go skinny dipping in your backyard pool.
Maybe this is an option if you live way out in the country somewhere, but for us city dwelling folk, there is a very high probability that this little suggestion will result in being forced to register as a sex offender for the rest of your life after your 92 year old neighbor looks out her window and catches a glimpse of your hoo ha.
2. Try nude gardening.
Uh, try not. If they’re going to nail you for skinny dipping, what do you think you’re neighbors are going to say about you planting some posies with your junk blowing in the breeze? Uh, I’ll tell you what they’re going to say: “Hello, police? The sex offender is at it again. Bring a tazer.” Hopefully they arrest you before you find out what kind of damage insects, fertilizers, lawnmowers, weed whackers or plain old sunshine can inflict on unprotected junk.
3. Try naked housekeeping.
This is the best that they could do? You’re naked so try some super-fun house cleaning? Seriously? Do you have any idea of how many perfectly good pairs of shorts I’ve destroyed with simple household cleaners? A plethora. How is it a good idea to recommend removing the one thin layer of protection that stands between your junk and a batch of caustic chemicals? The only worse recommendations that I can think of would be “fry bacon” or “practice welding”, but it’s your call. I just can’t imagine the number of hospital charts that will be filled out this week with notes like “burned junk with chemicals”, “accidentally sat on mop handle” and “got junk caught in vacuum”.
4. Exercise in the altogether.
To entice you to get naked, one of the top five things that they can suggest is working out? Was this list written by the Society of Retarded Amish Nudists or something? The reason that they make sports bras is because lady parts are not made to be flopped all over the place with great force. Unless you want to end up looking like something out of National Geographic, this is a bad idea. And anyone who jumps on a treadmill in the nude runs the risk of falling down and getting his junk either caught in, or sanded off by a very fast moving and unforgiving belt. The mere thought has me typing with one hand while using the other to shield my junk from the horror that these words imply.
5. Telecommute in the nude
While this is the least risky of all the suggestions, do you really want to be talking to your boss with your junk hanging out? Do you want to entertain the possibility that your boss is sitting at home with their sweaty junk hanging out because they just finished a nude workout before your conference call? And what if your Mom calls? Do you really want to talk to your Mom on the phone with your junk flip flapping around there, Mr. Proggressive Von Nudieman? How about you there, Priscilla Von Nudieheimer? I don’t know about you, but I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
So what’s up there, nudists? The best suggestions for activities during National Nude Recreation Week are work, clean, exercise, or do yard work? Are you kidding? I’m not even a nudist, but I can come up with a way better list off the top of my head:
The New And Improved 7 Things to Do When You’re Naked
Make some quick cash swinging around a solidly planted stripper pole.
Take some tasteful nude photos.
Take a shower to wash off all that chocolate.
Call people who want to do it with you.
Do it with people that call back.
Listen to Nordic metal and pretend you’re a naked Viking. If time permits, conquer the living room.
Two words: Naked Twister.
Have better suggestions? Post them in the comments.
I understand that very few of you are going to get this, so here goes:
Metalocalypse is a cartoon about a death metal band named Dethklok. In episode 13, the lead singer, Nathan Explosion, has a dream that the rest of his band is pecked to death by birds. Because he is too stupid to do anything else, Nathan is forced to go to work at a fast food restaurant.
Last night I had a dream that I was doing the robot, and someone looked amazed and said “Dude, that’s awesome.”
When the best thing your brain can dream of is people thinking you’re cool for doing a dance that is so inherently uncool that it hasn’t been seen in 25 years, there might be something wrong with your imagination. Or, it could be a sign.
Like the seven hawks I saw circling above me after a run today. Or the three more that showed up a few minutes later.
It’s rare to see more than two circling hawks around here, so ten had me walking along with my neck craned watching them all. Because I’m two leather armbands short of a Viking king thanks to Amon Amarth, the only logical explanation was that the hawks were congregating to bring me a message from Odin.
And if it took ten hawks to bring it, you know it was one kick ass message. It probably had something to do with mighty power or ageless wisdom, but it could have easily been about a kick ass dragon boat or my own personal army of giants. Hell, even if Odin didn’t have time to shop and sent along a BestBuy gift card, I’d be fine with that.
Unfortunately, I never got any message because hawks ignored me while floating around in their stupid hawk party for jerks. Let this be a lesson to you: If you need to send a message, don’t use hawks. You have to use more of them per message, and they’ll forget to deliver it anyway because they’re pretty much dumber than shit.
If you have to send a message, send a kick ass robot. They’re efficient, they can shoot their fists off if there’s any trouble, and people think that they are so totally awesome that they dream about imitating them on the dance floor.
I try to set up reminders for birthdays in my calendar whenever I find out about them because even people who hate their birthdays like at least a little bit of attention. Usually people send back a thanks and some are happily surprised that I remembered. It’s a simple little thing that spreads the joy, you know?
Well, today a birthday reminder came up, so I fired off a quick happy birthday.
Within a few minutes I got back:
“What, no Mr T or Commander Adama (Lorne Greene, not the ‘Stand and Deliver’ guy)?”
And you know, even though I was really busy this morning I looked for my image editor to whip together one of my bizarre birthday pictures, but there has been such a push in the last few months to lock down our desktops that the software had been removed. So, instead of wasting ten minutes of company time producing some birthday insanity, work life remained as bland as the grey cubes that sustain it.
I replied to my co-worker: “Trust me, I wanted to, but they made me remove all my software.”
And what did I get back?
Fuckin’ A. How can I disappoint Mr. T? So, here. Here is another one of those bizarre pictures that people have now come to expect on their birthdays.