Sidecar – You Fucked It Up (The Nerd Rage Rap)

via Blastr

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You have been warned.

Barbara Moore – Nymphomaniac

(via PCL LinkDump)

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Black Metal Babysitter

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I put together a music playlist in Salinger’s honor.

One Hit Wonders Of The 60s, 70s, 80′s, 90′s, & Today

I compiled over 175 one-hit wonders spanning five decades from 60′s through the 2000′s. There are a few good, a few bad, and a few downright ugly songs on the list, but all of most of them will drag you kicking and screaming down memory lane. The list is by no means complete, and all the song titles are available below the player.

Enjoy!

All 175+ Tracks Available On The Playlist

1. “8675309″
   by Tommy Tutone
2. “99 Red Balloons (English)”
   by Nena
3. “Absolutely (The Story of a Girl)”
   by Nine Days
4. “After the Fire”
   by Der Kommisar
5. “Another Dumb Blonde”
   by Hoku
6. “Axel F”
   by Harold Faltermeyer
7. “Baby Got Back”
   by Sir Mixalot
8. “Bad Day (Album Version)”
   by Daniel Powter
9. “Because I Got High”
   by Afro Man
10. “Believe It Or Not (Greatest American Hero)”
    by Joey Scarbury
11. “Better Off Alone”
    by Alice DeeJay
12. “Birth, School, Work, Death”
    by The Godfathers
13. “Bitch”
    by Meredith Brooks
14. “Bittersweet Symphony”
    by The Verve
15. “Black Betty”
    by Ram Jam
16. “Black Is Black”
    by Los Bravos
17. “Blue”
    by Eiffel 65
18. “Boom Boom (Let’s Go Back to My Room)”
    by Paul Lekakis
19. “Born to Be Alive”
    by Patrick Hernandez
20. “Brandy”
    by Looking Glass
21. “Break My Stride”
    by Matthew Wilder
22. “Break My Stride”
    by Matthew Wilder
23. “Breakfast At Tiffanys”
    by Deep Blue Something
24. “Breakin’ There’s No Stopping Us”
    by Ollie & Jerry
25. “Brimful of Asha”
    by Cornershop
26. “Butterfly (Album Version)”
    by Crazy Town
27. “Cannonball”
    by The Breeders
28. “Cantaloop (Flip Fantasia)”
    by Us3
29. “Cars”
    by Gary Numan
30. “Cars With the Boom”
    by L’Trimm
31. “China”
    by Red Rockers
32. “Closing Time”
    by Semi Sonic
33. “Cmon & Ride It (The Train)”
    by Quad City Djs
34. “Come On Eileen”
    by Dexys Midnight Runners
35. “Convoy”
    by C.W. McCall
36. “Connection”
    by Elastica
37. “Crazy (Single Version)”
    by Gnarls Barkley
38. “Cruel to Be Kind”
    by Nick Lowe
39. “Curly Shuffle”
    by Jump ‘n’ The Saddle Band
40. “Da’ Butt”
    by E.U.
41. “Days Go By”
    by Dirty Vegas
42. “Ditty”
    by Paperboy
43. “Divine Thing”
    by The Soup Dragons
44. “Do Anything”
    by Natural Selection
45. “Don’t Worry Be Happy”
    by Bobby McFerrin
46. “Don’t Close Your Eyes”
    by Kix
47. “Don’t Give Up On Us”
    by David Soul
48. “Don’t Make Me Over”
    by Sybil
49. “Don’t Misunderstand Me”
    by Rossington Collins Band
50. “Don’t Wanna Fall in Love”
    by Jane Child
51. “Drive”
    by Incubus
52. “Driver seat”
    by Sniff ‘n’ the Tears
53. “Electric Avenue”
    by Eddy Grant
54. “Epic”
    by Faith No More
55. “Eye of the Tiger”
    by Survivor
56. “Fade Into You”
    by Mazzy Star
57. “Final Countdown”
    by Europe
58. “Funky town”
    by Lipps, Inc.
59. “Groove Is In The Heart (radio)”
    by Deee-Lite
60. “Heart and Soul”
    by T’Pau
61. “Hemorrhage (In My Hands)”
    by Fuel
62. “Hit ‘Em Up Style [July 2001]”
    by Blu Cantrell
63. “Hooked On A Feeling”
    by Blue Swede
64. “Hot Child In The City”
    by Nick Gilder
65. “Hot Hot Hot”
    by Buster Poindexter
66. “Hot Rod Lincoln”
    by Commander Cody & His Lost Planet Airmen
67. “How Bizarre”
    by OMC
68. “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)”
    by The Proclaimers
69. “I’m an Adult Now”
    by The Pursuit Of Happiness
70. “I Don’t Like Mondays”
    by The Boomtown Rats
71. “I Got A Girl”
    by Tripping Daisy
72. “I Got My Mind Made Up (You …”
    by Instant Funk
73. “I Got a Man”
    by Positive K
74. “I Know”
    by Dionne Farris
75. “I Know What Boys Like”
    by The Waitresses
76. “I Wanna Be a Cowboy”
    by Boys Don’t Cry
77. “I Want Candy”
    by Bow Wow Wow
78. “I Wish”
    by Skee Lo
79. “I’m Too Sexy”
    by Right Said Fred
80. “Ice Ice Baby”
    by Vanilla Ice
81. “Id Like To Teach The World …”
    by Hillside Singers
82. “In My House”
    by The Mary Jane Girls
83. “In The Meantime”
    by Space Hog
84. “In The Summertime”
    by Mungo Jerry
85. “In a Big Country”
    by Big Country
86. “Informer”
    by Snow
87. “It Takes Two (With Soundbyt…”
    by Rob Base And DJ EZ Rock
88. “It’s Raining Men”
    by Weather Girls
89. “Jackie Blue”
    by Ozark Mountain Dare Devils
90. “Jeopardy”
    by Greg Kihn Band
91. “Judy in Disguise (With Glas…”
    by John Fred & His Playboy Band
92. “Jump Around (LP Version)”
    by House of Pain
93. “Just A Friend (1989)”
    by Biz Markie
94. “Just Got Paid”
    by Kemp, Johnny
95. “Key Largo”
    by Bertie Higgins
96. “Kiss Them For Me”
    by Siouxsie And The Banshees
97. “Kung Fu Fighting”
    by Carl Douglas
98. “Laid”
    by James
99. “Lean Back”
    by Terror Squad
100. “Let the Music Play”
     by Shannon
101. “Lips of an Angel (Album Ver…”
     by Hinder
102. “Lovin You”
     by Minnie Riperton
103. “MMM MMM MMM MMM”
     by Crash Test Dummies
104. “Magnet And Steel”
     by Walter Egan
105. “Major Tom”
     by Peter Schilling
106. “Mambo No. 5 (A Little Bit o…”
     by Lou Bega
107. “Maniac”
     by Michael Sembello
108. “Melt With You”
     by Modern English
109. “Mentirosa”
     by Mellow Man Ace
110. “Mickey”
     by Toni Basil
111. “Mississippi Queen”
     by Mountain
112. “Move Your Feet”
     by Junior Senior
113. “My Baby”
     by Lil Romeo
114. “My Sharona”
     by The Knack
115. “Naked Eye”
     by Luscious Jackson
116. “Natural One”
     by The Folk Implosion
117. “Never Leave You”
     by Lumidee
118. “No Myth”
     by Michael Penn
119. “O-o-h Child”
     by The Five Stairsteps
120. “Our House”
     by Madness
121. “Owww!”
     by Chunky A
122. “Pac-Man Fever”
     by Buckner & Garcia
123. “Party All The Time”
     by Eddie Murphy
124. “Pass The Dutchie”
     by Musical Youth
125. “People Are Still Having Sex”
     by LaTour
126. “Pepper”
     by Butthole Surfers
127. “Pop Muzik”
     by M
128. “Popcorn”
     by Hot Butter
129. “Popular”
     by Nada Surf
130. “Pump Up The Volume”
     by M A R R S
131. “Pure”
     by The Lightning Seeds
132. “Radioactive”
     by The Firm
133. “Rapper’s Delight (LP Version)”
     by Sugar Hill Gang
134. “Rebirth of Slick (Cool Like…”
     by Digable Planets
135. “Relax”
     by Frankie Goes to Hollywood
136. “Return of the Mack”
     by Mark Morrison
137. “Ride Captain Ride”
     by Blues Image
138. “Right Here, Right Now”
     by Jesus Jones
139. “Rock Me Amadeus”
     by Falco
140. “Rock and Roll Hootchie Koo”
     by Rick Derringer
141. “Rumors”
     by Timex Social Club
142. “Rump Shaker”
     by Wreckx N Effect
143. “Seether”
     by Veruca Salt
144. “She Blinded Me With Science”
     by Thomas Dolby
145. “Song 2″
     by Blur
146. “Standing Outside a Broken P…”
     by Primitive Radio Gods
147. “Sugar Sugar”
     by The Archies
148. “Supersonic”
     by J.J. Fad
149. “Tainted Love”
     by Soft Cell
150. “Take My Picture”
     by Filter
151. “The Ballad of Jayne”
     by L.A. Guns
152. “The Future’s So Bright, I G…”
     by Timbuk 3
153. “The Locomotion”
     by Little Eva
154. “The Middle”
     by Jimmy Eat World
155. “The Politics of Dancing”
     by Re-Flex
156. “The Rapper”
     by The Jaggerz
157. “Theme from “Miami Vice””
     by Jan Hammer
158. “There She Goes”
     by The La’s
159. “Tipsy (explicit)”
     by J Kwon
160. “Too Shy”
     by Kajagoogoo
161. “Tootsee Roll”
     by 69 Boyz
162. “Trio
     by Da Da Da”
     by Various Artists (1980′s)
163. “Turn Up the Radio”
     by Autograph
164. “Turning Japanese”
     by The Vapors
165. “Two of Hearts”
     by Stacey Q
166. “Unbelievable”
     by Emf
167. “Under the Milky Way”
     by The Church
168. “Video Killed the Radio Star”
     by Buggles
169. “Walking In the Rain”
     by Oran “Juice” Jones
170. “Walking On Sunshine”
     by Katrina & The Waves
171. “What I Am”
     by Edie Brickell & The New Boh…
172. “What’s On Your Mind (Pure E…”
     by Information Society
173. “Whip It”
     by Devo
174. “White Horse”
     by Laid Back
175. “Whoa!”
     by Black Rob
176. “Wiggle It”
     by 2 In A Room
177. “You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet”
     by Bachman Turner Overdrive
178. “You’re Beautiful”
     by James Blunt
179. “Youth of the Nation”
     by P.O.D.

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At some point last season, I was sitting on the couch reading a magazine, and the song came on the radio faintly in the background. Brenda Lee’s twangy country vocal and the low volume caused me to hear something that wasn’t there. From then on, I couldn’t help but hear the song without smiling.

I wish the same problem onto you:

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That’s when I found the following video on Wil Wheaton’s blog. If the 60′s soul revival sound didn’t drag me in, the way that it’s created is absolutely the best use of sampling I’ve seen in a while.

My mood instantly lifted. Check it out for yourself and tell me you don’t feel the same.

“Birds Fly Away” by Theresa Andersson

via Wil Wheaton

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Most of the songs lean toward the heavier side of the scale, but if you’re growing a 70′s, peace-loving beard to nest tiny woodland creatures in, I threw a few tracks for you, too. So, let’s get some cold air on your face and music into those ears, and let’s get those whiskers on the outside where they belong.

All the songs included either mention facial hair or are performed by bands with one or more bearded members. Yes, ZZ Top is in there even though they’re included in every musical beard list ever.

If you have track suggestions, be sure to throw them in the comments, and a full track listing (with explanations) is included below.

Enjoy!

All 66+ Tracks on Beards By Playlist (And Their Explanations)

1. “A Bid Farewell (Album Version)”
   by Killswitch Engage
   The End Of Heartache
   Reason: Justin Foley (drums) has a beard.
2. “Ace of Spades”
   by Motorhead
   Ace Of Spades
   Reason:Lemmy Kilmister has a badass pair of friendly chops.
3. “Aqualung”
   by Jethro Tull
   ‘M.U.’ The Best of Jethro Tull
   Reason: Lyrics refer to an icy beard.
4. “Attack of the Dungeon Witch”
   by He Is Legend
   Suck Out The Poison
   Reason: Schuylar Croom (vocals) has a beard
5. “Beard And Wifebeater”
   by Endeavor
   Constructive Semantics
   Reason:Title
6. “Black Leather Mustache”
   by CABLE
   Last Call
   Reason: Title
7. “Blood On Our Hands”
   by Death From Above 1979
   You’re A Woman, I’m A Machine
   Reason: Jesse F. Keeler (bass/synth) has a beard
8. “Bomber”
   by Motorhead
   No Sleep ‘Til Hammersmith
   Reason:Lemmy Kilmister has a badass pair of friendly chops.
9. “Born With a Beard”
   by Supe & the Sandwiches
   the Springfield Chronicles
   Reason: Title
10. “Burning Beard”
    by Clutch
    Robot Hive / Exodus
    Reason: DOUBLE WHAMMY! Title + Neil Fallon (vocals) has a badass beard
11. “By The Beard Of Zeus (Album Version)”
    by Red I Flight
    The Years
    Reason: Title
12. “Catamaran”
    by Bear Vs. Shark
    Terrorhawk
    Reason: A couple of the band members have beards.
13. “Crush The Skull”
    by Unleashed
    Shadows In The Deep / Across The Open Sea
    Reason: lyrics mention a beard.
14. “Crystal Skull”
    by Mastodon
    Blood Mountain
    Reason: Both Brent Hinds (guitar) and Troy Sanders (vocals/bass) have beards.
15. “Easy Tiger”
    by Every Time I Die
    Gutter Phenomenon
    Reason: Andy Williams (guitar) has a beard
16. “Family Tradition”
    by Hank Williams, Jr.
    Hank Williams, Jr.’s Greatest Hits
    Reason: Hank has an outlaw beard.
17. “Fire It Up”
    by Black Label Society
    Radio Single
    Reason: Zakk Wylde has an insane beard.
18. “Gentle On My Mind”
    by Glen Campbell
    The Very Best Of Glen Campbell
    Reason:lyrics mention a beard
19. “Granite State Destroyer (Album Version)”
    by Scissorfight
    New Hampshire
    Reason: Ironlung (vocals) has a massive beard and a bald head.
20. “Hat And Beard (Rudy Van Gelder 24Bit Mastering)”
    by Eric Dolphy
    Out To Lunch (The Rudy Van Gelder Edition)
    Reason: Title
21. “Have Fun”
    by The Beautiful South
    Blue Is The Colour
    Reason: The lyric “You should grow a beard” is true.
22. “Heatseeker”
    by Valient Thorr
    Legend Of The World
    Reason: Every member of the band has a massive beard with the exception of Eidan Thorr.
23. “I Got Mine”
    by The Black Keys
    Attack & Release
    Reason: Dan Auerbach (vocals/guitar) had a beard.
24. “Holland, 1945″
    by Neutral Milk Hotel
    In The Aeroplane Over The Sea
    Reason:Scott Spillane (horns) has a pretty massive Amish style beard.
25. “I Know”
    by Barenaked Ladies
    Born on a Pirate Ship
    Reason: Lyrics mention a scary guy with a beard.
26. “I’d Have to Be Crazy”
    by Willie Nelson
    Willie Nelson’s Greatest Hits (And Some That Will Be)
    Reason:Double WHAMMY! Willie has a beard, and the song lyrics reference a beard
27. “In Regards to Myself”
    by Underoath
    Define The Great Line
    Reason: Tim McTague (guitar) has a beard
28. “Jessica”
    by The Allman Brothers Band
    Brothers and Sisters
    Reason: Gregg Allman’s long standing beardedness.
29. “Kyle From Incantation Has A Mustache”
    by A/C
    I Like It When You Die
    Reason: Well, he does.
30. “La Grange”
    by ZZ Top
    Armageddon (Soundtrack)
    Reason: Most famous beards in rock.
31. “Leave The Biker (LP Version)”
    by Fountains of Wayne
    Fountains of Wayne
    Reason:Lyrics mention crumbs in a beard from the seafood special.
32. “Love My Lips”
    by Veggie Tales
    Veggie Tunes 2
    Reason: In the lyrics, Aunt Ruth had a beard.
33. “Mambo Sun (Album Version)”
    by T. Rex
    Electric Warrior
    Reason: lyric “I got stars in my beard.”
34. “March Of The Fire Ants”
    by Mastodon
    Remission
    Reason: Both Brent Hinds (guitar) and Troy Sanders (vocals/bass) have beards.
35. “Metal Gods”
    by Judas Priest
    British Steel
    Reason: Ian Hill (bass) had a beard. Yes, he did. Look it up.
36. “Midnight Rider”
    by The Allman Brothers Band
    A Decade Of Hits 1969-1979
    Reason: Gregg Allman’s long standing beardedness.
37. “Mustache T.V. (Album Version)”
    by Atom And His Package
    Attention! Blah Blah Blah
    Reason: Title
38. “My Beard”
    by Shel Silverstein
    Where The Sidewalk Ends
    Reason: Title
39. “Now You’ve Got Something To Die For”
    by Lamb Of God
    Ashes Of The Wake
    Reason: Mark Morton (guitar) has a beard.
40. “Open Up The Border”
    by Clutch
    Pure Rock Fury
    Reason: Neil Fallon (vocals) has a badass beard
41. “Overkill”
    by Motorhead
    Overkill
    Reason:Lemmy Kilmister has a badass pair of friendly chops.
42. “Portobello Road”
    by Cat Stevens
    On The Road To Find Out
    Reason: Lyrics and performer.
43. “Push It”
    by Static-X
    Wisconsin Death Trip
    Reason: Wayne Static has a beard
44. “Raining Blood”
    by Slayer
    Reign In Blood
    Reason: Kerry King’s Van Dyke outsizes most beards.
45. “Razor Burn”
    by Lagwagon
    Hoss
    Reason: Lyrics and Title
46. “Red in Tooth and Claw”
    by Rosetta
    Wake/Lift
    Reason: Bruce McMurtrie Jr. (drums) is bearded.
47. “Rezerection”
    by Valient Thorr
    Legend Of The World
    Reason: Every member of the band has a massive beard with the exception of Eidan Thorr.
48. “Rip Van Winkle (LP Version)”
    by The Devotions
    Doo Wop Classics, Vol. 8
    Reason: Rip Van Winkle had a massive beard.
49. “Rip Van Winkle”
    by Witch
    Witch
    Reason: Rip Van Winkle had a massive beard.
50. “Saddle Up”
    by Viking Skull
    Born In Hell
    Reason: Waldie (bass) has a beard.
51. “Salivation”
    by Burn The Priest
    Burn The Priest
    Reason: Reason: Mark Morton (guitar) has a beard.
52. “South Of Heaven”
    by Slayer
    South Of Heaven
    Reason: Kerry King’s Van Dyke outsizes most beards.
53. “Strange Times”
    by The Black Keys
    Attack & Release

    Reason: Dan Auerbach (vocals/guitar) had a beard.

54. “Take This Oath (Album Version)”
    by Killswitch Engage
    The End Of Heartache
    Reason: Justin Foley (drums) has a beard
55. “The Birthing”
    by Baroness
    Red Album
    Reason: John Dyer Baizley (vocals) is bearded.
56. “The Girlie Had A Mustache”
    by DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince
    And In This Corner…
    Reason: Title and lyrics. Slick Willie style.
57. “The Gruesome Death of Edward Teach (Album Version)”
    by Scissorfight
    New Hampshire
    Reason: DOUBLE WHAMMY!: Ironlung (vocals) has a huge beard, and Edward Teach is otherwise remembered as Blackbeard.
58. “The King of the Carrot Flowers Pt. 1″
    by Neutral Milk Hotel
    In The Aeroplane Over The Sea
    Reason: Scott Spillane (horns) has a pretty massive Amish style beard.
59. “The Lime Green Net”
    by Valient Thorr
    Legend Of The World
    Reason: Every member of the band has a massive beard with the exception of Eidan Thorr.
60. “The New Black”
    by Every Time I Die
    Gutter Phenomenon
    Reason: Andy Williams (guitar) has a beard.
61. “The Ripper”
    by Judas Priest
    The Essential Judas Priest
    Reason: Ian Hill (bass) had a beard. Yes, he did. Look it up.
62. “The Seduction”
    by He Is Legend
    I Am Hollywood
    Reason: Schuylar Croom (vocals) has a beard.
63. “Thrash Unreal (Album Version)”
    by Against Me!
    New Wave
    Reason: Two band members have beards.
64. “Turned Inside Out [Reissue] [with intro effect]”
    by Obituary
    The Best Of Obituary
    Reason: Donald Tardy and Trevor Peres both had beards.
65. “Tush”
    by ZZ Top
    The Best of ZZ Top
    Reason: Most famous beards in rock.
66. “Waitin’ for the Bus”
    by ZZ Top
    The Best of ZZ Top
    Reason: Most famous beards in rock.
67. “Warning: Perfect Sideburns Don’t Make You Dangerous”
    by Crime In Stereo
    Explosives and the Will To Use Them
    Reason: Title
68. “Weird Beard”
    by Fu Manchu
    King of the Road
    Reason: Just an awesome song. Oh and the title. And lyrics.
69. “Well All Right!”
    by The Hives
    The Black and White album
    Reason: Lyrics mention trying to grow a beard.
70. “Wishbone”
    by Clutch
    The Elephant Riders
    Reason: Neil Fallon (vocals) is the balls.

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That should be plenty to get you through the night. Although headphones may prevent you from hearing zombies sneaking up behind you, the headphone strap may provide just enough protection to keep them from chewing through to your sweet, sweet braaaains. Good luck. See you at dawn.

Free Halloween Music To Keep You Going

1. Finetune Friday: Ghastly, Ghoulish, Gruesome, & Gross
   This is my own personal grab bag of tracks from last year’s Finetune Friday. I tend to lean more toward fun than anything else, so this is more geared to folks who like their Halloween groans served up with a side of eye rolling and head shaking.
2. Slacker Halloween Radio
   Slacker has an eclectic but decent Halloween mix. It’s mostly loosely related tracks like “Running with the Devil” or “Seasons of the Witch”, but they manage to throw in some nicely obscure tracks. I listened for a few hours and didn’t hit a repeat.
3. Last.fm Halloween Radio
   The Last.fm Halloween mix is similar to Slacker Halloween radio, but I didn’t like it as much as the two above. It’s still a decent selection of music though.
4. Radio Free Hipster Ep. 53: Monster Manual
   This 14 track podcast from Hipster, Please had a few cool tracks in it, but it wasn’t really my style. I’m not really cool at all though, so your mileage may vary. It took a while to download for some reason, and because it’s a podcast, it’s pretty short.
5. Halloween Sound Effects
   Whether you’re looking for a free ringtone or something to startle a coworker, you can’t beat the price of free.
6. Music from the Haunted Mansion
   This is some of the original music and sound effects recorded for Disney’s Haunted Mansion. Download them if you dare. Muah ha ha ha ha ha!

Happy Halloween!

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Tractooooooor. Moooooo.

Enjoy!

Heavy Metal Farmer

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Kids are fun and all, but I’m not normally in the habit of posting videos of them here on the blog because it’s a slippery slide into pictures of kitties and talking about my period. This kid, however, gets a pass. Even though he isn’t tall enough to put a foot on the monitor and strike a rock idol pose, he gets so into “Jukebox Hero” that he ends up eating his microphone.

It’s almost inspirational, but raises the question: are rock fans created or born?

The Jukebox Hero Kid

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Tragedy – We Rock Sweet Balls, And Can Do No Wrong (rock): After writing about Tragedy back in March, the band was nice enough to send over a copy of their album for me to review. It has taken me months to try to figure out what to say about it because even though the album is swimming in cowbell and has a fair number of old school metal windup screams (eeeaaAAaaAAaaAAH!), there is no way to escape the fact that I’m listening to hard rock covers of Bee Gees songs. Yes, you heard me. Hard Rock covers of Bee Gees songs.

I’m not going to pretend that I can sit down and listen to this every day or that it doesn’t come with a massive cringe factor, but like the Golden Throats series, it’s difficult to deny the album is fun. In some respects, it’s the two girls one cup of hard rock: Despite having a hard time turning away from it, you get a sick pleasure from tricking other people into checking it out. Nearly every metal and hard rock fan has the same reaction at that gruesome moment when they realize what they’re listening to, and their faces contort into a confused mixture of amusement and repulsion.

Of course, novelty is the point and the band knows it. If having an album cover that has lightning, fire, an Iron Maiden font, a Led Zeppelin font, and the words “We Rock Sweet Balls And Can Do No Wrong” aren’t enough to tell you that the album is tongue in cheek, then Tragedy’s version of “You should be Dancing” should be more than enough. The track has a breakdown in the style of Spinal Tap’s “Stonehenge” (No one knows who they were… Or what they were doing…) where an evil sounding voice talks about evil pagan babies with hooves for two full minutes. I’m actually ashamed, but I laugh and shake my head at it almost every time I hear it.

It’s pretty clear that the band isn’t taking themselves too seriously, and I can’t help from laughing a lot while I’m listening. This may not be something that you’ll listen to every day, but it’s one of those oddities that is awesome to have in your CD collection to spring on people when they least expect it. B+

The Distillers – (self-titled) (punk): I don’t know if it’s the catchiness of the songs or the novelty of having Brody Armstrong’s raspy female lead vocals fronting a punk band, but I got sucked into buying this album. Unfortunately, after a number of listens, the novelty wore off because the style of the album is a 2000′s era, post punk that is as far removed from punk as glam was from metal. Even though Brody’s raspy vocals have a nice punch and the basslines sound like they were ripped out of the Op Ivy songbook (maybe influenced by Brody’s marriage to ex-Op Ivy guitarist Tim Armstrong?), there’s something missing that I can’t put my finger on. Sure, she rebelliously says “fuck you” a number of times as “L.A. Girl” winds down, but it’s almost like the words are being repeated in the hopes of making them sound as if there’s some actual angst behind them. Look, this album has a nice sound and it’s catchy, but it lacked a spark that left it feeling hollow to me. It’s certainly suitable for fans of 2000 era pseudo punk (Green Day, Rancid, The Offspring) who are looking for a little more edge, but for me, it ends up feeling like a well done forgery of a master painter’s work. C+

High On Fire – Surrounded By Thieves (doom): If Matt Pike’s doom credibility for being one of the founding members of the stoner giant, Sleep doesn’t wow you, then the fact that this release would’ve been released on Frank Kozik’s Man’s Ruin Records (had the label not gone under) should. And while cred doesn’t make music, Pike as a front man for High on Fire really works well on this 2002 Relapse release.

Sometimes the repetition and heaviness of doom can cross the line from feeling like something is bearing down on you into something downright sleep inducing, but this wasn’t really a problem on this album. Surrounded By Thieves has the same downtuned heavy feel that you’d expect from doom, but it’s faster paced than the genre normally allows. Rather than feeling like a lumbering giant, the album feels like a horde of marauding warriors on Clydesdales pounding across a rocky landscape toward battle. Despite the faster pace, it maintains the bare bones doom sound that you’d expect. You’re not going to find any intricate guitar work here, but then, those imaginary warriors probably didn’t need jewels all over their battle axes to be imposing and effective. B+

Amon Amarth – Once Sent From the Golden Hall (death metal): In Tolkien’s middle earth there is a volcano called the Mountain of Fate. In Elvish, that volcano’s name was “Amon Amarth”. Vikings, Hobbits, and metal, oh my! Released way back in 1998, this was Amon Amarth’s first release on Metal Blade records. I’ve written about a couple of the band’s later albums (The Fate Of Norns and With Odin On Our Side), but this release is markedly different from their later material. It definitely tows the Viking line (and even includes Viking battle sounds on “Amon Amarth”), but a fair amount of the album has a pace that has more in common with thrash than the slower, more epic Viking feel that I’ve come to expect from their later releases. If I never heard their other albums, I would probably think this one was fine, but because it seems like the band hit their stylistic stride after this was released, it’s not one of the albums that I typically reach for. If you like Vikings and thrash, or already own some other Amon Amarth releases, this may be an album to pick up, but it’s not something that conveys the epic feel that I normally require when food shopping. Don’t ask (it’s all explained in the With Odin On Our Side Review linked above).C+

Entombed – self-titled (metal): This isn’t actually a studio album, but a compilation of earlier EP’s (Out of Hand, Stranger Aeons, and Crawl) that were originally released between 1991 and 1993. It’s certainly not a bad listen, but the album is simply a bunch of outtakes and singles from their first three albums mixed in with a few covers. While covers like Kiss’s “God Thunder” and Repulsion’s “Black Breath” don’t really add anything new to the tracks, there is a decent cover of Roky Erikson’s “Night of the Vampire”. I hate to discourage people from picking this up because it’s a really good listen once you get past the discontinuity, but there are a number of better Entombed albums to buy before you get to this one. This is geared more toward the Entombed fan who is looking to save themselves from buying three EPs than someone who is looking for a consistent studio release from this Swedish metal band. B

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Muddy Waters – The Definitive Collection (blues): When I was around fourteen years old, I lost my taste for the blues once I figured out how simple they were to play. Not much has changed since then, because as far as I’m concerned, Robert Johnson and his old timey blues cronies can suck it. If he made a deal with the devil to play like he did, he should kick Satan right in the devil dog because he lost a perfectly good soul for nothing.

Muddy Waters, on the other hand is one of the few blues artists that I not only tolerate, but I actually enjoy. The 24 tracks in this collection are listed in chronological order so that you can hear the progression of Waters’ style from 1948 to 1964. Although considered by many to be the father of Chicago Blues, Muddy Waters stopped playing guitar in 1955, so only about 9 tracks on the album feature him on guitar. Even on hits like “Mannish Boy” (“I’m a main. I spelled M… A child… N…”) and “Got My Mojo Working”, Jimmy Rodgers handled the guitar work and Muddy Waters was on vocals only.

I don’t know exactly what sets Muddy Waters apart from other artists. Maybe it’s the combination of electric guitars and vocals that verge on shouting that chase off that typical “poor me” blues feel that tends to turn me away. I’m no connoisseur of the blues, but this is one of the few blues albums that I enjoy. B+

The Dirty Pretty Things – Waterloo To Anywhere (indie rock): I’m not used to indie rock having this much punchy energy, but this album rides high enough that at times it almost verges on the garage rock sound of The Hives, who have been a favorite of mine for a long time. Waterloo to Anywhere is steadfastly indie though, and I typically steer clear of the hip vibe that seeps out of the genre like sewage, but even though I’m sitting here playing in a pool of shit, the tapping of my feet completely distracts me from the stench. I feel so dirty for liking this, but maybe I can take some comfort in the fact that the indie Borg that is Pitchfork didn’t think it was all that great. B-

Amon Amarth – With Odin On Our Side (Viking death metal): I know that Viking death metal is one of the most ridiculous forms of metal since corpse paint took over black metal, but I can’t help liking it. It’s so… epic. I usually tune out metal lyrics because they have a tendency to ruin metal for me, but when the lyrics are all about wearing bearskins and fighting epic battles, I can’t help but get sucked in.

The album tends toward the melodic and non-brutal side of death metal, so it’s a pretty good gateway for classic metal fans who are looking to make the jump into death metal. If you add in the Viking factor, listening to this album makes even mundane tasks a hundred times more epic. Hell, when I listen to this album while food shopping, it makes it less of a chore and more of a conquest. Even though I have yet to burn the coffee aisle to the ground, if I’m sporting a beard and listening to this album, there’s a very good chance that I will conquer and subjugate Captain Crunch and all of his cohorts in the cereal aisle. I have even been known to claim the frozen food section the name of Odin. Sure, the manager will no longer allow me to plant flag and claim a stronghold in bread aisle, but really, fuck him, man. We all need to feel like Vikings once in a while. B

Christina Aguilera – Stripped (pop): I can hear you now: “What did we tell you about buying pop, Jon Dyer? We warned you not to do it.” I know, I know, but I’m not musically one dimensional, so to balance out my brutal death metal side, I sometimes need to dive headlong into pop. Like death metal, I don’t pay attention to the pop lyrics, because they tend to ruin the music for me. This album is no exception. While I can’t argue with the production values or Aguilera’s singing ability, I can only deal with about four of the twenty tracks on the album, and I’m not sure if I like them because they’re good, or because pop radio made them familiar. The rest of the album is made up of slow songs that I just can’t seem to get into. I’m not saying they’re bad, but they seem to require high estrogen levels to enjoy. C

Suffocation – The Best Of Suffocation (death metal): Suffocation only made three albums in the four short years they existed, so it’s a little odd that they have a “best of” compilation. The band is almost always put on a pedestal as a pioneer of death metal, so I picked this album up after listening to a few quick samples. Unfortunately, there must be something wrong with my ears, because when I listen, I feel like I’m missing the amazing music that other people seem to hear. The songs were drawn from all three albums and are full of blast beats and growling vocals, but its so bland in both music and production that I have a hard time distinguishing between songs. Sure, I keep my finger off the skip button if the tracks come up individually in a random death metal MP3 mix, but when played back to back, it gets boring really quickly. Pioneers or not, this isn’t an album that I like to listen to the whole way through, and I really don’t understand what all the hype is about. Either the band is overrated, was good for its time, or I don’t simply don’t “get it”. C

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1983-1987 The Kings of Thrash: Metallica

Metallica rises out of the Bay Area thrash scene and gains popularity through fans trading tapes of their music. At their concerts, Metallica not only encourages bootlegging of the shows, but provides a special section so that fans can get the best quality recordings. The band releases three kick ass thrash albums, Kill Em All, Ride The Lightning, and Master of Puppets, but just as the band is becoming a major force in world of metal, they lose their bass player, Cliff Burton in a bus accident in 1986. Jason Newsted from Flotsam & Jetsam would be hired as Burton’s replacement, making his first appearance on the Garage Days Re-Revisited EP in 1987.

1988-1990 A Taste Of Mainstream Success: Metallica?

…And Justice for All is released in 1988, and it cracks the top 10 of the Billboard 200, giving the band its first taste of mainstream success. Although metal fans generally don’t take kindly to their bands going mainstream, they feel somewhat validated that Metallica is forcing its way into the mainstream without any recognizable mainstream support. After years of resisting pressure to produce music videos, Metallica releases a video for the song “One”. In 1990, they would win their first Grammy Award for Best Metal Performance. It would be the first of seven career Grammy Awards.

1991 Getting In Bed With Bob Rock: Poptallica

Bob Rock’s previous success as a producer for such acts as Loverboy, Bon Jovi, and Skid Row made him a perfect fit for the thrash metal giants who were destined to spend their nights winning Grammy awards and their days whining like teen princesses. He was first asked to produce Metallica in 1991, which would not only go to number one on the Billboard Charts, but would be adored by typically metal hating magazines like Spin and Rolling Stone. The album marked a distinct shift from thrash metal to bland metallic pop that would thrust Metallica into the hearts of hat wearing jocks and the thirteen year old girls who loved them. The album was commonly referred to as The Black Album because of its color and lack of title, but gains a deeper meaning in hindsight, as it was the first major sign that Metallica would kill and bury everything that made them metal to further their quest for pop stardom.

Bob Rock would go on to produce Load (1996), ReLoad (1997), and Garage Inc. (1998). He would then not only produce St. Anger (2003), but cowrite and play bass on every song on the album. While he can’t be blamed for the Metallica’s shift away from metal, their partnership with him was instrumental in creating pop based tracks like “Nothing Else Matters”. The song not only charted on the Billboard Hot 100, but proved to be almost prophetically titled, because nothing that the band produced from that point on really mattered to fans of their earlier material.

1996 Oh The Haircuts: Stone Templetallica

Long hair is a standard outsider style in metal, but if an aging rocker needs to cut his locks to hide a growing bald spot, metal fans tend to understand. Look at Kerry King of Slayer. That guy shaved his head bald, and no one thought that he was selling out. Know why? Because King continued to help Slayer rip out thrash album after album with the same ferocity year after year. King made an understandable image adjustment (a bald head still has outsider written all over it), and the fans were fine with it.

When Metallica cut their hair in 1996, it wasn’t to hide any growing bald spots. The cuts were made to emulate the “alternative” bands that were riding high on the album charts at the time, and to create a more pop friendly image that would court the mainstream press for their release of their album, Load. If their metal status were in question, this change provided the answer. To create a pop image that matched their current style of music, Metallica pushed aside their metal roots, thumbed their noses at the fans who spent years evangelizing them, and stepped into the mainstream head on. It was just a haircut, but it was also a symbolic action that broadcast to everyone what was important to them and where they stood. And their footing was well outside of the metal community that spawned them.

1998 Sue ‘Em All: Lawsuitallica

In 1998, Metallica sued Amazon.com and others for copyright infringement for selling a bootleg album entitled Bay Area Thrashers: The Early Days. This was the same band who, in the 1980′s, not only encouraged bootlegging of the tape, but built their career and reputation on tape trading. The album was simply a copy of a very early and widely circulated 1982 demo tape called No Life ’til Leather to which crowd noise was added to make it sound if the songs were recorded live. Considering that the tracks on the demo were old enough to feature Dave Mustaine on lead guitar and Ron McGovney (who never made it on to a Metallica album) on bass, it seemed like a strange thing to drag people into court over, but it proved to be the start of a trend for the band.

The following year, Metallica would file lawsuits for trademark dilution against Pierre Cardin, Cosmar, Guerlain, Victoria’s Secret, and West Mill for using the word “metallica” in their product lines. If there are two bands in the same area that are using the same name, the metal thing to do is enter into the Thunderdome arena and settle it with a fight to the death. The less metal thing to do is play under the same name until one band gives up. The least metal thing you can do is tie everyone up in court over it.

Metallica wasn’t going to court to fight another band’s use of their name. They were suing companies in unrelated industries for simply trying to use a nonsense word on an unrelated product. If your band starts suing companies in unrelated industries to to prevent trademark dilution, you need to put down the guitar, put on a tie, and stop kidding yourself about which side of the corporate line you’re on. Metallica sued Victoria Secret over a lip pencil, Cosmar over nail files, and Guerlain over perfume.

If they had still been a real metal band, I’m sure that no one would consider a lip pencil to be something that would dilute the Metallica name, but maybe these items could have been confusing to consumers when one considers the direction the band was heading in the decade before the lawsuits. If someone came out with a metallica toilet paper, someone might think it was official band merchandise and try to wipe his ass with it, as many older fans have been known to do with most of their current catalog. Metallica would then be required to upgrade their own CD booklets with quilting and doubly ply thickness, which would incur additional production cost and cut into profits.

1999 Marking The End: Orchestallica

A teenage friend once told me, “Jon, when a band gets so big that they record with an orchestra, they’re pretty much finished.” The band he was talking about soon faded away, but with the exception of symphonic black metal bands (in which an orchestra is part of the deal), I have found this wisdom to be true in every circumstance that I’ve witnessed it. Metallica recorded two performances with the San Francisco Symphony Orchestra in 1999. I know that was a while ago, but I’m throwing it out there for those people out there who are still crossing their fingers.

2000 We Make Money Not Music: Corporatallica, Inc.

I understand an artist’s right to protect their copyright on music, but it’s no secret that Metallica got to where they were by standing on the patched denim backs of tape traders and encouraging fans to bootleg their shows. Bringing a recorder into a Metallica concert was not only allowed, but encouraged when the band was in its infancy, so why, at the dawn of the new millennium would Metallica file suit against Napster and three universities claiming copyright infringement of their material? Let’s see if we can find any answers in a statement from Lars Ulrich, Metallica’s drummer from the time:

“We take our craft–whether it be the music, the lyrics, or the photos and artwork–very seriously, as do most artists. It is therefore sickening to know that our art is being traded like a commodity rather than the art that it is. From a business standpoint, this is about piracy–a/k/a taking something that doesn’t belong to you; and that is morally and legally wrong. The trading of such information–whether it’s music, videos, photos, or whatever–is, in effect, trafficking in stolen goods.”

Business standpoint? Moral arguments? Huh? Lars not only got 300,000 Metallica fans barred from Napster, but aided in getting the service shut down entirely. Ulrich had finally forgotten that they exact thing that he referred to as “trafficking in stolen goods” was what accounted for Metallica’s early worldwide expansion. It’s almost as if he was intent on making examples of his own fans just to make a buck. If there’s anything less metal than that, it can only be testifying in front of the Senate on something as pro-establishment as copyright infringement being theft, which Ulrich did that same year. If a metal band is going to testify in front of any court or government body, it better be as a defendant against some religious right wing group who claims that your music violates obscenity laws and is the equivalent of mind control.

But then, Metallica and their new haircuts weren’t as concerned with metal and metal fans as they were with the dollar signs that were constantly polishing off the rough edges that once made them giants of metal. They didn’t put together a Thrashmasters Tour with Exodus or Slayer for the metal fans that year. Instead, Metallica did a very successful tour with bands like Powerman 5000 and Kid Rock, whose mundane, ready for Billboard rock were a better fit.

2004 Some Kind of Monster: Metallijoke

The Napster backlash should’ve been the worst PR debacle that the band could hope for, but sadly, it wasn’t. In 2001, Metallica not only hired a therapist to help solve their band problems, but allowed a documentary crew to follow them around and film the entire thing for two years. The result was Some Kind of Monster, over two hours of Metallica whining like little bitches about how hard it is to be in one of the most successful bands in the world. I’d have to agree with former Metallica bass player, Jason Newsted’s assessment of the whole project as, and I quote, “really fucking lame and weak”. Know how much they paid their therapist? $40k a month. In one light, the movie is sickening when watched through the eyes of a fan, but in light of how the band sold everything that was metal down the river in pursuit of pop stardom, it’s two hours of laughing at the soft, fat, squealing little pigs that Metallica turned themselves into.

2008 Why I No Longer Care: _____LICA

Even though the pop world may use the same notes that the metal world does, the relationship between the artist and the fan is very different. Pop fans are something that an artist uses to make a cheap sale, and most of the time, everyone in the transaction is aware of it. It’s a drunken one night stand that almost everyone ends up being ashamed of in the morning. Metal, on the other hand, is a best pal with a crazy look in their eyes who, even though you know you’re probably going to end up in trouble, you jump in the Firebird with anyway.

Metallica started out like that good friend driving around with you in that Firebird. They’d drive, you’d pitch in for gas, and you’d always have a great time. As the years went on, the Firebird got less and less use, and would eventually sit rusting under a tarp in the yard after being replaced with the hip, new Escalade Hybrid in the driveway. Metallica stopped returning your calls, but if you serendipitously happened to get through, you could hear the party in the background, and knew why you weren’t invited: you were one of Metallica’s metal friends, and they had moved on to a hipper crowd.

You could practically hear them mouthing things like “what an asshole” and pointing at the phone while their cooler mainstream friends listened nearby. Sure, they would tell you that they would take the Firebird out again one day, but they would be shaking their heads “No” and rolling their eyes while their friends tried not to laugh. Eventually, you would figure out who they really were and what they really thought of you, and you’d stop calling because you knew you had been had.

And here we are in 2008, when Metallica, one of the top selling artists in the world, is looking to take the Firebird out for a spin with their latest venture, Death Magnetic, and I just don’t care. I’m a metal fan, and have been for a long, long time. Metal isn’t about fitting in. Metal is about credibility, loyalty, and shared sense of pride about being on the outside. But more importantly, metal is about the music. No matter how many times Metallica’s friends in the mainstream press tout this latest endeavor as a return to their thrash roots, I’m not falling for it. I’ve heard it all before.

Sorry, Metallica. I’m not getting sucked in to some pop pile of shit just to buy Lars a nicer pair of pants to wear to the next Grammy Awards show or Senate hearing. You’ve spent the last 20 years shining up your image and left the power rusting in the yard. In my book, you rendered yourselves obsolete when you left the average metal fan out in the cold long ago. It was calculated, it was disloyal, and it was a raving success. If I had a champagne flute, I would put it down just so I could give you a long, respectful golf clap. You made it. You are pop stars. Light yourselves some expensive cigars, play some golf, and enjoy the ride home in your Escalade. Just don’t bother calling on your metal friends, because the gates were locked long ago, and we’re screening out calls.

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The three things that I can remember about the concert were:

1. It was the first time that my teenage metal ears heard Metallica, and I was completely blown away.
2. I got asked to go by my next door neighbor a few hours before the show because she got stuck with two extra tickets. I ended up playing tonsil hockey with a rather heavy young woman in the third row instead of paying attention to Van Hagar who played not more than ten feet away. Hey, for a pimply, four-eyed teenager with a mullet, it seemed like the right decision.
3. It was the source of the infamous, but partially incorrect mantra, “YOU SUCK, DAN DOKKEN!“.

Now, what’s your oldest T + three? Post a picture of your oldest concert T and give three things that you can remember about the show. If you can beat anything older than 1988, I will personally join you in a tall glass of Metamucil. Can anyone top 1988?

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Until now.

In the past year or so, I’ve been lucky enough to catch a resurgence in the funk/soul sound thanks to the musicians over at Daptone Records. The Brooklyn based label has a soul / funk lineup that does an excellent job of creating catchy tunes that sound like they could’ve been recorded 40 years ago in a small Motown studio. As someone who has a soft spot for old soul, having new recordings that capture the feel of the music of that time is really pretty cool.

The other day, I was looking for something to listen to while I mowed the lawn, and happened to throw on Binky Griptite’s Ghetto Funk Power Hour, a promotional CD that came with Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings’ 100 Days, 100 Nights. Considering that most promotional CD’s aren’t worth the plastic they’re stamped on, it’s unusual for me to make it all the way through one without the skip button leveling harassment charges against my thumb. I was completely surprised that while working in the yard, I had listened to the power hour a full three times in a row without a single skip.

Once I could get to a PC, I headed to the Daptone website to check out some of the groups that I had heard, and noticed that the Ghetto Funk Power Hour is available for free download. If you’re into that classic funk / soul sound, the Ghetto Funk Power Hour is a single MP3 that includes 27 tracks from Daptone artists (like Sharon Jones) that are sure to satisfy those soul / funk cravings. You might even find a new band or two to get into.

Enjoy!

Download Binky Griptite’s Ghetto Funk Power Hour

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