Tai Chi
Today I saw two people in the courtyard doing Tai Chi. Although I find it frustratingly slow in practice, I found it mesmerizing to watch. While trying to explain it to my GF, I talked and acted as if I were caught in an old Kung Fu movie, complete with lots of pointing and inappropriate grunts and laughing. As she has never seen A.) Star Trek, B.) Star Wars, or C.) any Kung Fu movies, she confusedly asked me, “What are you doing?”

Voting is Gross
Are you watching the debates tonight? No. You know why? No amount of sound bite fishing will tell me which candidate deserves my vote. Bush sucks major ass. He’s an autocrat, a liar, and serves the rich. Kerry also sucks major ass. He’s an autocrat, a liar, and serves the rich.

If you present me with two steaming hot piles of shit and tell me that I have to eat one, I’m going to ask you for another option. In America, it seems that most of us will just pick the one that looks the worst, and pop the other one right into their mouths.

Unfortunately, I don’t have lofty ideals that there is a politician out there who is any better. As usual, I’ll “throw my vote away” on a some third party steam pile in the simple hopes of expanding the number of candidates beyond the current two party, one candidate system.

Voting is gross. I’m going to watch a movie.

Movie Reviews #6822653
The Girl Next Store (Comedy): Typical story of “Nerd meets porn star, fall in love.” Although this movie could’ve been named Risky Business 2004, and, at times, I had no idea where the story was going, I admit that I found it entertaining. B

Movie Review #881226
A guy at work has suggested 3 movies to me so far: The Fast & the Furious (I think I used the phrase “I can’t believe I’m watching this” more than once), The City of Lost Children (Bad Review link), and Cinema Paradiso (I left halfway through to go cook macaroni and cheese, with my GF calling after me, “You can’t just leave me with this! This movie is your fault,” as if I should be punished with watching the ending merely for watching the beginning.). Although I thank him for lending me movies, I fear our tastes are more than disparate. Supposedly, these are all great movies, so I am willing to admit that the problem lies with me. I am also willing to admit that it is my fault that this movie deserved a D-.

Frustration II
I blindly bought Eric Dolphy’s Out to Lunch on the sole fact that it was on the Blue Note label. Usually, this works well for me in opening doors to new jazz. Unfortunately, this album is the kind of cacophonous jazz that normally makes me cringe. Today, while driving in heavy rain and heavier traffic, I got my first inkling of understanding. The confusion and frustration of my commute was reflected perfectly in the discordant jazz, and both became something to enjoy remotely rather than frustrating snares to entangle me.

Frustration III
I have the unfortunate disability of taking the path of least resistance only when I see the path as being the justifiably correct option. As a result, I have found the last two days at work so ultimately frustrating that I have begun to not only play video games again, but my foul language is getting to the level of being inappropriate.

Cinematic Loss
Russ Meyer, co-writer (with Roger Ebert) and director of Beyond the Valley of the Dolls has passed away. It’s a sad day for anyone who loves crappy, but colorful movies that were weak on plot but strong on boobs. If anyone wants to borrow the movie (VHS), they can see what they will now be missing. (AP Story)

Musical Loss
The fictitious band that I claim to be leaving work for has officially broken up. When I announced to my co-workers that Shattered Image had broken up due to creative differences with the bass player, my unsurprised co-workers agreed that it’s always a problem with the bass player. Then, I ran the name of the new band that would rocket me out of the basement and into International pyrotechnic bliss:

WarHammer

Oh yea. You see it, too: The darkened, smoke-filled arena stage, the German-style writing on the huge black WarHammer banner, and angry, long-haired, pale dudes playing meedly meedly meedly way up there on the tiny strings while the well-timed explosions accentuate their pure metal madness. It’s a perfect 1982 metal name for a perfectly fictitious world-class metal band.

Then I had to go do something stupid like googling it. And what did I find? A pale, long-haired bunch of angry, skinny guys meedly meedlying up there on the high strings called WarHammer. They not only beat me to the whole German writing idea, but they’re freakin’ German. And they’ve existed for 10 years.

So what, right? My band is fictitious. If there really was a WarHammer, who cares? Who’s going to know? I could still call my band WarHammer if I want right? Wrong. Dead wrong.

What if I’m in the middle of a really frustrating situation, and I say something like “When WarHammer takes off, man, I am outta here,” which normally might elicit a couple of snickers from my nearby co-workers. Now say the some German guy from one of the satellite offices is two rows over for the week training on some new corporate best practice for the golf swing or something. And when he hears me, he drops his club mid swing and starts in with “Yah! Berzerker! Did you say that you are liking of the WarHammer? I am loving WarHammer since I am small! WarHammer Uber Alles!”

Then, where am I? Do I pretend that I really have heard their hits “Necrophobia” or “Funeral Rites (Instrumental)” or do I spend the next 20 minutes explaining that I was just kidding, but that I do not in any way really think that WarHammer is a joke. In either case, the German guy thinks I’m making fun of him and inevitably starts crying or punching the French guy in the next row. In either case, I get pegged for not being sensitive to German culture and all relations between the offices break down. And it’s all because I foolishly ignored the fact that WarHammer is real and not a friggin’ joke.

In reading about the real WarHammer, I found that they seem to be heavily influenced by “HellHammer,” so that name is now officially out, too. In my research of band names that I can’t use, I was very disappointed to find that the following names are already taken, as well: Anal Beard Barbers, Baby Shit Brown, Barbara’s Bush, Beast Penis, Cherry Coke Enema, Dirty Girl Scout, Dusty Cowshit, Elvis and the Shitheads, The Fat Chick from Wilson Phillips, Four Honkies In a Big Black Car, Henry Kissinger’s Tits, John Cougar Concentration Camp, Kaka Pussy, Lesbian Ninjas, Penis DeMilo, Penis Flytrap, Shit Bong, Shoot the Mime, Too Fat to Skate, TurboNegro, Traveling Dingleberries, nor White People Lie. (Full list of Names)

Until I can find a better name than WarHammer, I’m afraid that Shattered Image is probably going to have to do a damned Reunion tour.

PTU (Foreign Action): Subtitled in Cantonese, this was the story of a police sergeant in Hong Kong that lost his gun. Fearing that it was stolen by a gang, he enlists the Police Tactical Unit to help find it. PTU and some other people run around for a very long 84 minutes, and the sergeant finds it I can’t argue with the GF on the absolute suckiness of this movie. D.

Shelter Island (Thriller?): This was some sort of lesbian murder movie that might have been more aptly titled, “Shitter Island.” I’ve seen porno with better plots. Although not a very good actress, if Allie Sheedy had gone into a coma in 1986, her roles in Short Circuit (1986), St. Elmo’s Fire (1985), Breakfast Club (1985), and WarGames (1983) would have given her the legacy of being a certified 80′s pop star. Unfortunately, to the detriment of us all, she didn’t.

If she could’ve only gone under with the entire Baldwin family in tow, American cinema would’ve been grateful. I am under the impression that Stephen Baldwin takes roles merely see how long he could act like an idiot and still get to show his ass. When my GF picked this up, I thought for sure that she picked up the wrong movie. If I could give this movie a G, I would, as an F is generous.

Bonus Material
The God FAQ

Days Off: Recap
I watched Jerry Springer, went to the movies, ate pumpkin pancakes, bought 3 expensive shirts, went to a wake, finished Angels & Demons, sat on the beach, ate a sucky meal at Jake’s, worked on cleaning out the GF’s apartment, and shaved only once.

Movie Reviews #2828801
Napoleon Dynamite: There was no beginning, no middle, and no end to this movie. None. I will not recommend that anyone go see it for fear that they will never stop punching me. On the other hand, I laughed out loud many, many times and spent 2 days quoting lines from the movie. A

Elephant: Want to see a remake of Columbine that is so boring that it makes the hour and twenty minutes that you watch feel like forever? Yea, me neither. Big fat D-

Starsky & Hutch: Leave your brains in the car. This was fun, but very dumb fun. I like poop jokes, but I can’t give them high ratings for making me laugh. C+

In July: I torture my GF with foreign films. Sometimes they really suck, and sometimes they work out. This one worked out. It was a love story, and it’s in German, but I was totally into it. B+

Diana! Venga!
I think I’m becoming a beach person. I spent from 9:30-3:30 on the beach both Saturday and Sunday. During the day, when the sun is shining, everyone one is happy at the beach. Children run and play, people smile, and the sounds of the surf are accented by the sounds of children playing. Mix that with a large Dunky’s iced coffee, a good book, and a generous slathering of sunblock, and the day gets very close to perfect.

And if the traffic gods smile on this perfect day, I park for free.

Movie Reviews #126405
Serendipity (Chick Flick): John Cusack plays one of those screwed up puppy dog guys that chicks love, and bla bla bla. I don’t really remember it, but it was pretty good. I say B.

Kill Bill II (Action): If Serendipity was for the girl, Kill Bill 2 was for the boy. There was action, grossness, and plenty of squinty-eyed tough guys. If Kill Bill 1 was a Kung Fu tribute, this was more of a trubute to the american western. For all the kick ass action, and for putting a real live Delorean in the background of a shot for no other reason than style, this gets an A-.

Superstition Ain’t the Way I
Last night I had a nightmare where there were spiders and snakes all over the ground, and I couldn’t get to my shoes. All around me were old graves, but the stones were containers holding human ashes. When the wind kicked up the ashes blew into the air. I somehow got into a Cadillac and drove to some friends house, but they lived on the edge of a swamp. I drove the car out onto a rickety pier, and was concerned that the car was going to fall in, so I backed it into the mud a little.

My GF and I got out of the car and went to the shack where my friend’s lived, but once they let us inside, I realized that they all looked different and had horrible teeth. There was an old lady with way too much makeup sitting on the couch with them, but she walked out of the room when I showed up.

Suddenly, I was sitting on a bench in another room of the shack with my GF, and the daylight was streaming through a picture window behind us. There was a piano in the room and a few people mulling about. Then my grandmother showed up (she’s been dead for more than 10 years). She looked great, but her face was stuck in a smile from an old picture we have of her.

When I jumped up to greet her, she whisked me across the room and started asking all sorts of questions about what sort of woman my GF is. I extolled her virtues and practically gushed to her about how great my GF is until she seemed satisfied with my answer. Then, my grandmother and I danced. Suddenly, I was observing the scene, and my grandfather walked between the observation point and the dancers. He was sullen, but blank, and once off camera, he was gone.

Ok, now the strange part. In my dreams, my grandmother is the harbinger of death. When I dream of her, I get the feeling that someone is going to die. It’s one of the few superstitions that I have tried to shake, but can’t. I think it’s because I called her out of the blue a week before she died suddenly of an aneurism, and when one of her sisters died, I dreamed of my grandmother laying in bed with beam of blue light joining her body and head instead of a neck.

So, for a week after I have these dreams, I wait for the other shoe to drop before dismissing it.

Superstition Ain’t the Way II
From a deleted scene in Serendipity, I give you this:

Close your eyes. Because you are still reading, you’ve proven that you are horrible at instructions, so let’s start over. I want you to imagine a desert. In the desert there is a cube. Close your eyes for a few seconds and really picture it before you move on. Do it this time.

You should now have an idea of the size of the cube, what it’s made of, and where it’s located in relation to the sand. Let’s move on.

In the desert there is also a ladder. Close your eyes for a few seconds and picture the ladder.

You now know what it’s made of, you know it’s position, you know it’s size. You have visualized the ladder.

In your desert there is now also a horse. Close your eyes and visualize the horse.

To find out what in the hell this all means, hold your mouse over each of the following: The Cube, The Ladder, and The Horse.

My cube was made of metal, regular sized and hovering a foot off the ground. My ladder was wooden and like a magic trick, wasn’t leaning on anything. The horse ran right between the observer and the cube really quickly.

The Big Bounce: Ooh the title uses alliteration. I want to play, too! Let’s see. Boring, bomb, bummer, bland, barf bag… This is fun! Favorite line: “God? God is an imaginary friend for adults.” C-

Movie Review #62837
Usual Suspects: Within 15 minutes, I realized that I had seen this movie before, yet I watched it until the end. It’s a modern day crime caper with an all star cast that keeps the audience guessing. My favorite line came from one of the Baldwin Boys as he sat upon a roof top with a sniper rifle lining up his shots. “One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. (pause) Oswald was a pussy.” B+

P.S.
I took the day off today and spent 5 hours sitting on the beach, reading a book, and drinking iced coffee. Given that the temperature was in the mid-80′s with an offshore breeze, and I was slathered with a healthy amount of sun block, I don’t think that I could have spent my time more wisely.

Found Inspiration
People can do wonderful things with web design and CSS. I do my best, but I am not one of them. The people who created CSS Zen Garden make me want to re-design the site, but I don’t think I’ll ever hit that level. If I could though, you would worship me. Wouldn’t you? Just say “Yes” and I’ll stop pestering you.

Found Another Blog
Big Whoop, right? Geese Aplenty

Found A Movie Review #2386253
Along Came Polly (comedy): This is supposed to be one of those feel good chick flicks where the ugly dude (Ben Stiller) gets the Girl (Jennifer Aniston). The only things that you will remember is A. Jennifer Aniston dirty dancing in a see through tank top, B.) A really funny character played by Hank Azaria, and C.) Jennifer Aniston dirty dancing in a see through tank top. I laughed a few times, but I have to give this the old C+.

Found a Little Problem
The IRS just sent me a letter to the tune of…

Dear Jon,
We think that either you or your preparer may have fucked up your tax return way back in 2002. We just got to it now, because we’re really…uh thorough and we’ve been told that old Georgie needs the cash.
Just send us $528.00 this month and we’ll call it even. Although, we may tag on some penalties. And some fees. And some other stuff that’ll cost you. But, hey you can afford it big guy! This is America!

Love,
The IRS

Crap hell crap.

Found A Worm
On my way to my car this morning, I saw a worm inching its way slowly across the parking lot. As I stared at it, covered in bits of gravel and following the longest possible course to the grass, I thought, “I should help.” I do the same thing with snails I find on the walkway. I pick them up and put them in the shade so that they don’t fry like the stupid crinkled up worms couldn’t find their way to the grass.

As I reached down to throw the worm onto the grass, I stopped. What if this worm was meant to die on the pavement? What if it were to end a bad genetic line of worms too stupid to avoid pavement on hot days? What if I was interrupting the natural food chain and robbing some ants or a bird of a meal? What if, like Eckels in Ray Bradbury’s A Sound of Thunder, I was imposing disorder on a natural order, and making a mess of the future? What if I end up living alone with 15 cats?

I thought all this in thirty seconds while staring at a worm. A worm. What am I a Buddhist? As I wasn’t sure if I had replenished my glove-box stash of Dunkin’ Donuts napkins to wipe the worm slime off my hand, I gave up and let the worm be.

In hindsight, this was probably for the best, although I later realized that I probably backed over it with my car.

Mr. Social
Not only did I have dinner plans on Friday, but I had lunch and dinner plans on Saturday, and some friends drove all the way down from the North Shore just to have breakfast with us on Sunday. I feel pretty damn lucky this weekend.

The Regular
The GF and I have been going to the same restaurant nearly every Sunday for the last year and a half. Today, we were set to meet two of our North Shore friends there. I thought it was pretty cool that these two were not only driving way out of their way to see us at what I consider pretty early on a Sunday morning, but were actually crossing the Massachusetts Mason-Dixon line, to do it.

Now, if you know anything about Massachusetts, you know that people from the North Shore and people from the South Shore are divided not only by the Mass Pike, but by their complete and utter ignorance of each other. South Shore people descended from the merchant class, and think of all North shore towns as being and extension of the high-haired, Camaro driving, gum chewing town of Revere. The North Shore folk, being descended from old Fishing money think of the South Shore being an extension of the high haired, Camaro driving, gum chewing town of Quincy. Both are impressed when they cross the Pike and see houses without wheels and lawns without junk cars on them. Show either a mansion on the opposite shore, and they can’t even fathom how it might’ve arrived there. Needless to say, North and South in this stupid state don’t mix socially all that often, so even though they only live 45 minutes away, I was impressed that they were coming down.

The GF and I arrived at the restaurant a little early and our friends weren’t there yet, so I suggested the GF stay in the car while I went in to put our name in. Due to the humid swamp hanging in the air trying to pass itself off as a Massachusetts summer, and the cool dry air flowing around the inside of the car, the GF protested very little.

When I got to the desk, I greeted the Host with a hearty “Hey! How’s it goin’?” as I normally do, which I followed up with “Jon for 4.”

“I know who you are. You’ve only coming in here once a week for a year and a half,” the host said smiling incredulously.
“You’re right, we have. What is your name, though?”
“I’m Wes. Nice to finally officially meet you.”
“Hello, Wes. Nice to finally meet you, too.”

And there it was. I was pretty proud of myself for finally getting to know the name of the host at a restaurant that I’ve been going to on a weekly basis for the last year and a half. And I’m very impressed that people would drive 45 minutes just to see us. Does anyone else seem to think that this screams “socially inept?”

Me too. But, I’m a regular now, I’m happy. Don’t bring me down. (Brrrruce)

Movie Review #10820420
The Secret Window (drama): My grandmother used to say that if you can’t say anything nice, you shouldn’t say anything at all. So, I won’t. D-.

It rained yesterday, and I did nothing but lay on the couch unbathed, watching movie after movie, stopping only to make out, eat, or pee.

• The Butterfly Effect (Sci-Fi/Horror): I was told that this one was going to be pretty bad, but I was pleasantly surprised.  There were some points that the acting was just plain bad, but there were enough twists to keep me guessing.  All in all, this movie is a complete downward spiral, and if you happen to watch the director’s cut, you’re left squarely at the bottom.  I suggest watching the theatrical ending afterward to at least leave you with a slight happy ending. B+.
• Die, Mommie Die (Comedy?): When I read that a movie has won a Sundance film festival award, I don’t read the box too closely.  This movie was proof that I should.  It was strange, and had a lot of unexpected gay action.  From 15 minutes in, we were waiting for the end.  D
• Mystic River (Drama): Yes, this was the first movie that I saw Sean Penn actually act in. Yes, he acted well. One of the rules of cinema is that if you kill, you die. It’s a one for one, with all loose ends getting tied up at the end of the movie. I hate loose ends. This one had loose ends. And the “I call you without talking” subplot was a useless waste of film. B
• Lucia, Lucia (comedy, in Spanish): Older lady searches for her lost husband. The characters were well developed, some of the camera work was really cool, and there’s nothing wrong with hot older ladies gettin’ it on. B+
• Equilibrium (Action/Sci-Fi): Post Apocalyptic movie where emotion is outlawed.  This is a very typical 1984 story, complete with German-style uniforms, blimps, and giant screens indoctrinating the masses.  All in all, the story was a D.  The only thing saving the film was a fictional fighting style called “gun-kata” which involved kung-fu with hand guns at close range.  C+
• Almost famous (Drama/Comedy): I own this, but I watched it again this weekend.  I think that it’s one of those movies that I get something else out of every time I watch it.  There are no special effects.  This movie runs purely on character development and story.  The character of Lester Bangs, the editor of Creem Magazine, lives in an apartment with records lining every available surface, and serves as mentor to the main character.  He exemplifies the love of music, while under no illusion that he is cool.  Like the John Cusack’s record slinging character in High Fidelity, I seem to identify with the character, and thus, my review is heavily tilted. (A+)

From Lester Bangs:
“The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you’re uncool.”

“Oh man, you made friends with ‘em. See, friendship is the booze they feed you. They want you to get drunk on feeling like you belong. Because they make you feel cool, and hey, I met you. You are not cool.” 
 
“These are people who want you to write sanctimonious stories about the genius of the rock stars, and they will ruin rock and roll and strangle everything we love about it.  And then it just becomes an industry of… cool.”

Opinion 1
It seems that if I have to spend a full day explaining the difference between a pre-approval letter and a commitment letter to the manager of a real estate office, someone is not doing their job.

Opinion 2
If I ask you what I need to bring in for paperwork and then repeat what you say back to you, please don’t wait until you’re looking through the papers to say you forgot to tell me to bring some papers that are located 45 minutes away.

Opinion 4
Nice people can easily get me to jump through hoops like getting commitment letters and driving to get missing documents.

Opinion 5
I love it when a plan comes together.

Movie Review #682253
Matrix Revolutions: Good parts, but mostly laughably over-dramatic poo. The original Matrix: A. The third installment: C.

Ong Bak (Kung Fu): It’s the classic kung fu story: Boy Monk lives in village, bad man steals buddha’s head, Boy Monk uses super-forbidden kung fu style to track down bad man and his cronies to give them all flying elbows to the head.

The plot of this movie was plain awful, and the two versions of some Asian languages coming out of each of the speakers was enough to drive the GF from the room, but who watches Kung Fu for plot and dialog? Kung Fu is for fighting.

That said, the stunts and fight scenes were akin to a young Jackie Chan without the broken English. I will admit to saying, “whoa” a number of times throughout the film, but will not attempt to deny that one can almost get as much from the trailer as from the full film. C+

50 first Dates: The premise and the movie itself are sappy and weird. I laughed out loud a number of times, but it’s pure Sandler stupidity (IMDB link). B-

Metal Arms: This looks like a kiddie game, but it is THE shooters game. I didn’t realize that I was lacking a game with the speed and pure of the old Quake games until I played Metal Arms. There are so many things to shoot that the PS2 noticeably slows down to handle it all. And like Quake of yore, it the opponents come in waves and do not let up. And the $20 price tag (K-Mart link) is easily justified. B+

Midnight Club II: This is a racing game with no licensed cars, and enough really bad accents to get really annoying quickly. It was only $17 (K-Mart link), and does not compare with the Need For Speed or Gran Turismo series. I needed a driving game to counteract the shooter. C+

Something’s Gotta Give: It was a chick flick, but a tolerable one. The ending seemed like the writer just got bored and decided to quit writing. B-

Movie Review
The House of Sand and Fog (Drama): My mother prefaced this movie by using the word sad 50 times. She was right. It was sad. It was a character piece, and I didn’t really mind the length. Plus, you get to see Jennifer Connelly’s butt (which, from what I could tell was pretty nice.). B

Twiden
Ok. Say you traveled 1/2 way around the world just to visit your friends for a week in an imaginary country called… mmm… Say “Twiden.” Let’s just say for the sake of argument that you think that they are worth it. Now, if those same two friends came halfway around the world and stayed 40 minutes from where you live for three weeks, how long would you expect to see them?

A. Mi casa, su casa, so three weeks.
B. Maybe a couple of weeks, as I am only human.
C. Fish and company stink after 3 days.
D. I get paid by the hour.

What if you only saw one of them for 2 hours with no notice, and a time limit set by another set of plans?

Yea. I’d suppose that I’d feel like I got checked off a list, too.

Restaurant Review
Barefoot Bob’s in Hull has been no less than 3 places in the last few years, and I expect that it may be another in a few more. It has ok food, ok service, and a noise level that suggests that it is more of a place that locals go to have drinks and hang out, rather than eat. I think it would be a great place for hanging out, and better for eating after a few beers in the sun. B-

La Musica
I realized that I have enough music here to listen for something like 30+ days without repeating a song. Thank you, MediaMonkey for helping me to organize and play them. Now if I can just find the time to tie in an X-10 remote interface like I did for Winamp a while back (yea, I did), then I can be cool. Well, not cool per se. Something like cool? Forget it.

Movie Review #12765
“Filmed through what can only be described as a layer of grime, this movie mistakes over acting and confusing sequencing for depth of story.”
“What is 21 grams, Alex?

Movie Reviews
Paycheck: If at the start of a movie, Ben Affleck is some sort of Martial Artist, press the little square button on your remote and walk away. D+.

The Last samurai: I liked it, the GF did not. It was one of those EPIC battle dealies about honor, and being brave against a superior enemy. Plus, there were tons of Ninjas attacking Samuris. Weeeeaaaooooooohhh. Ninjas are cool. My advice is to watch the movie, but don’t watch any of the DVD extras unless, of course, you are interested in seeing how self-absorbed actors really are. When they start referring to their characters as if they were real people, it’s time to go for the square button. B+

Country Reviews
I had a good conversation with someone on the nature of the U.S. last night. He claimed that we are not a nation of preemptive strikers, and that our current role in the world was not in line with the principals that America was founded on.

I claimed that the U.S. government is the most effective form of population control that the world has ever seen. By breaking the role of community and self-reliance in its people, it has produced a cattle like population who not only has its freedoms easily taken from it, but willingly gives them away.

Making a smart man think is interesting to watch.

Movie Review #286
Love Actually. I couldn’t find anything in HyperMegaGlobalRentals, so I let the GF pick the movie. I had the choice of Sanda Bullock, Julia Roberts, or Hugh Grant. Grant me strength.

This was a chick-flick mish-mash of criss-cross plots that did nothing but jerk tears out of the GFs eyes. It did have one worthy moment in the film, and it spanned the first 5 minutes. To save dudes the agony, I will paraphrase: If you think love is dead, and the world is a mess, go sit at the arrival gate at the airport and describe what you see.

Ronin
My aunt does a lot of family history research, and digs up tons of family information. She sent some of the pictures she had found to my parents, who sat me down today to look at them. I started rustling through them, like a child through a book, not even realizing that I was doing it until my mother tried to slow me down.

It was akin to giving a first edition Dickens to a three year old.

There were pictures of people that had long since died that I had never known, leaving me outside with the impression that we all will only be remembered for 3 generations. That’s it. To anyone that didn’t know you, you are merely a picture, a person in a foreign fashion standing happily in a foreign time, completely unaware that the picture being taken of you will outlive you by many, many years.

Kill Bill Vol. I (action): Campy, lots of action, more blood than humanly possible, and fight scenes straight out of chop socky Kung Fu Movies, and starts with a Klingon quote. I didn’t expect much, and was pleasantly surprised. I hate that cliff hanger “wait until next year for the conclusion” crap, though, and this one was a cliff hanger. B

Stuck On You (comedy): Ah, the Farrelly Brothers. Lets review their movies: Dumb & Dumber (1994), a classic, There’s Something About Mary (1998), another classic, Me, Myself & Irene (2000), crap, Shallow Hal (2001), total crap, and Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), complete and utter total crap. After extrapolating how bad their next movie would be (based on the trend line of their past movies), I passed right by the hordes of Stuck On You boxes on the shelves of MegaGlobalHyperVideo many times. After damning the trend line and taking a shot, I found that the movie lived up to my expectations. Dear directors, don’t make me count the laughs, and call the movie a comedy. C-

The Library
I hit the library and picked up Sartre’s Nausea, which I will hopefully read this weekend. I’m listening to Playboy’s Jazz After Dark, also a freebie. I wanted to pick up some crappy videos on such topics as country line dancing or Mt. Rainier, but I’m a little video’d out right now. I must say that I was fourth and inches on getting as many of the old In Search Of tapes that they would let me carry out of there, but I held back. This is probably a good thing.

On Desire

“C’mon think, I want you to reach back into those minds and tell us, tell us all. What is it that you fantasize about? World peace? [class laughs] Thought so. Do you fantasize about international fame? Do you fantasize about winning a Pulitzer prize, Or an Nobel peace prize, an MTV music award? Do you fantasize about meeting some genius hunk, ostensibly bad but secretly simmering with noble passion and willing to sleep on the wet spot?

You get Lacan’s point. Fantasies have to be unrealistic. Because the moment, the second that you get what you seek, you don’t, you can’t want it anymore.

In order to continue to exist, desire must have its objects perpetually absent. It’s not the “it” that you want, it’s the fantasy of “it”. So, desire supports crazy fantasies.

This is what Pascal means when he says that we are only truly happy when daydreaming about future happiness. Or why we say the hunt is sweeter than the kill, or be careful what you wish for – not because you will get it, because you are doomed not to want it once you do.

So the lesson of Lacan is living by your wants will never make you happy. What it means to be fully human is to strive to live by ideas and ideals and not to measure your life by what you’ve attained in terms of your desires, but those small moments of integrity, compassion, rationality, even self sacrifice. Because in the end, the only way that we can measure the significance of our own lives is by valuing the lives of others.”

-The Life of David Gale, 2003

We hunt for a laptop or a game or a turbo diesel. When given the option to buy, we walk away.

The Life of David Gale – You’ll figure it out as you go, but A-.

Spellbound – Dorks without hope compete in 1999 National Spelling bee. And it’s a documentary. Yay. C+.

Radio – Tear jerker about a retarded kid. If it wasn’t so contrived and the story so over-used, I may have rated it higher. Also could’ve been named “Righttovideo.” C+.

Gangs of New York – Long, pointless movie with a couple of good characters and no real point. How much do Academy Awards cost these days? C+.

Note: April 4, 1968.

Ground on Down
Wake up, go to work, go home, watch TV, go to bed, wake up, go to work, go home, watch TV, go to bed, wake up, go to work, go home, watch TV, go to bed, wake up, go to work, go home, watch TV, go to bed, wake up, go to work, go home, watch TV, go to bed, wake up, go to work, go home, watch TV, go to bed, wake up, go to work, go home, watch TV, go to bed, wake up, go to work, go home, watch TV, go to bed, wake up, go to work, go home, watch TV, go to bed, wake up, go to work, go home, watch TV, go to bed, wake up, go to work, go home, watch TV, go to bed, wake up, go to work, go home, watch TV, go to bed…

Wake up.
Go to work.

Wake up.
Go to work.

Wake up.
Go to work.

So many of my resources are donated incorrectly, that at the end of the day, I’ve earned nothing but money. And I think I’m working my way from the ground on down.

Skype
I tested Skype from Boston to NY, and got excellent results. An encrypted tunnel, better quality than a phone, and none of those pesky phone charges. I’m sold. If you want my ID let me know.

Damn
Last night, I sat down to watch the Matrix for the first time after moving out of my old house a couple of years ago. It seems that my ownership of the Matrix was merely an impression, as someone left me the case, but snaked the DVD. I imagine that it was the same person that snaked 75% of everything else that wasn’t nailed down at the time.

I can’t prove it, nor do I want to. It’s more fun this way.

Movie Reviews #426
Bad Boys II – Over the top action splattered with bits of comedy. This got on the table just because I overheard a guy in the store apologetically admitting that he actually liked the film. I figured that if someone didn’t want to like it and did, it might be an ok rental. And it turned out to be a pretty darned good action flick. B+

Runaway Jury – Ok film if you’re planning to have something going in the background while you read the paper. Predictable with an all-star cast. C

Houses
After looking and looking and looking, I am finding that either less houses interest me, or I have seen everything out there. This weekend I will look at one house. One.

Soooooo Good
Yes, I am wary of downloading and installing anything on my PC. No, I couldn’t resist downloading LEDHead, an emulator for the old LED based handheld games.

[tick tick tick tick weeedleeet] fuck.
[tick tick tick tick weeedleeet] fuck.
[tick tick tick tick weeedleeet] fuck.
(This went on for 10 minutes.)

Movie Review #332
Matchstick Men: The plot was pretty good, but I had it mapped out early. Cage does a heck of a job, and the disc had a major scratch that prevented the viewing of chapters 21 and 22, making the disc free. Both of these helped to give the movie a B.

El Auto
I took the auto by the shop for a quick look, and was told that I could drop it off right then. Wanting so badly to have a checkmark gracing my list of things to do, I handed over the keys before even arranging a ride home. Yea. Kinda stupid.

After realizing that I wouldn’t be catching a shuttle back to work for 3 hours, I called my Dad for a ride. After a little lunch at CopalaPizza, back to work I went.

Hopefully, I will have a rental tomorrow, as there are no busses to Hull in the winter. We’ll see.

EMI Hates the DJ
I am hopping the daypop bandwagon again on this one. It seems that DJ Danger Mouse has released an album called “The Grey Album.” A DJ, some samples, and a whole pile of whoopdy-fuckin-do, right? In a way, yes. In a way, no. The concept of the Grey Album is that the DJ took a lyrics only version of Jay Z’s Black Album, run over the Beatles’ White Album.

Conceptually clever, it got my attention.

On another level, it raises Copyright issues. Danger Mouse did nothing but mix other people’s works to create what is referred to as a derivative work. Unfortunately, U.S. copyright law prohibits the creation of derivative works copyrighted materials. Last time that I checked, both the Black and White albums were not in the public domain. I thought the case was pretty clear: the DJ released something without permission. He should retract. Case closed.

But one thing seems to be bothering everyone: According to Lawrence Lessig (Copyright lawyer extraordinaire) there has been a law on the books since 1909 that allows anyone to cover an album as long as they pay a nominal fee to the original copyright holder. Record companies have defended this right for years.

But, samples are not covers, and thus not covered by this law.

And here is the true greyness of the Grey Album: Is a derivative work the same as a cover? Legally is it better to prevent something new from being created or is it more important to defend the original creator’s content? I suppose it depends on how you look at it, how much money you have to defend it, and which side of the remix you’re on.

Honestly, the Grey Album is interesting, clever, and listenable. This DJ Danger Mouse guy is good. But for people to act as if the artistic future of music is contained in the bits of these downloads is as far-fetched as thinking that downloading it makes you a rebel.

I would like to hear the original Black album to do a little comparison, but I’m sure that it’s probably, what we refer to in the business as, “pure crap.”

The Christians Hate the Jews
Mel Gibson put out a movie about Jesus. The Jews portrayed on the news were up in arms at the movie being anti-Semitic. To me, if Mel Gibson makes a movie about killing Whitey, it’s no big deal. If he wants to believe in Zeus, and remake Clash of the Titans, I don’t care (Do it, you bastards! DO IT!). It’s a movie. It’s based on myth (don’t get me started), and besides robbing me of $8.75, this movie can’t do anything to anyone.

If you took all the religion in the world and flushed them down the toilet, then what would be the problem? Who would be up in arms except the dude spending $8.75 without seeing one single laser, boob, or laser guided boob with women attached to them?

No one, that’s who. Except maybe the Laser Guided Boob Women of Mars who would say that the lack of laser guided boob women in this movie clearly shows discrimination against women with laser guided boobs.

(The number of times that boobs was mentioned in the last sentence should, to the chagrin of teenage boys everywhere, provide erroneous hits to this site.)

The Christians hate the Gays
Bush is backing a Constitutional Amendment to prevent gays from getting married. I am proposing a constitutional amendment banning marriage altogether. My friend’s Grandfather and I will draft the bill to downgrade all current marriages to “shacking up,” as in his own words, “It’s the way to go.”

I will also propose an addendum that makes “green on Thursday means you’re horny,” official and legal, binding hitherto, quid ominous dominus.

Unfortunately, there are a couple of minor issues standing in George’s and my way, namely:

Amendment IX
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

Amendment X
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.

So, it seems that you can’t willy-nilly take people’s rights away, and if a state grants a right that is not mentioned in the constitution, the federal government can’t infringe.

And I was so looking forward to Thursday. Ladies, I’m talking to you.

Hi-Ho the Dairy-O
Ah, my point: I gathered the above two stories from 5 minutes of the morning News. What depressing, sensational crash / fire / murder / rape did you see that made the time sitting in front of the TV less wasted than simply staring out the window? What did you gain by watching the News today except a broader distrust of your neighbor and a deeper sense of sorrow for people you’ll never know? And why was that so important to you that you need to go back tomorrow for another daily dose?

Good Movie
Bruce Almighty: Corny, funny, B+.

Bad Mechanics
If you have an integra, an Autozone “OEM” oxygen sensor will not fit in your car. You will have to return that oxygen sensor, and drive all the way to the dealer and pay $220 for a real OEM one. As you don’t have a lift, you will have to pay a mechanic to install it. Most places that you call will tell you that it will take more than an hour to install and try to charge you $80 or more to install it.

If it takes a person over an hour to unplug, unscrew, plug new, and screw back in, they really don’t deserve to earn an $80 per hour labor charge. Maybe they find the whole concept of lefty-loosey, righty-tighty to be a half hour struggle. I don’t know.

The more I try to do things myself on my car, the more I realize that most mechanics will completely bullshit people. Most repairs are not as complex as a mechanic would have you think.

Now when you find one who can install your O2 sensor in ten minutes with minimal cost, stick with him even if he’s a little drive away and answers questions with a less than reassuring, “Sure, I’ll give it a shot.”

Bad Mama Jamma
Happy Birthday to my beard, which is now 3 months old. It almost lost it’s life this weekend…Until I put on a bandanna. The scary biker look appealed to me enough to breathe new like into my beard. Said bandannas can be found in Wal-Mart next to the Dale Earnhardt baseball hats, wrestling t-shirts, and blade sunglasses.

Wal-mart brings everything that’s wrong with middle American fashion right to my home town for me to enjoy.

Have you ever been to the Cameo theater in Weymouth? When I was younger, it was a great take in, as it was always $3.00 to get in. I remember the seats being a little uncomfortable, but three bucks is three bucks. As they were showing Big Fish at a time that fit into our schedule, I took the GF to see it.

On the way in, we met an old man.
Old man: Make sure you see…What was it (to wife)?
Old Wife: Big Fish
Jon: Was it good
Old Man: Bahhhh. It was awful.

As IMDB gave it an 8.1, and the old guy couldn’t remember the name of the movie, I didn’t give his opinion much credence. Instead of warning me about the movie, he probably should’ve warned me about the theater.

The first thing that you notice going in to the Cameo is the almost-but-not-quite pee smell filling the theater. The second thing you notice is that you are the only person there to experience it. We spent 15 minutes picking the “perfect” seats just because we could. Once we got ourselves situated, I asked the GF if I could get her some popcorn or something. That was when she related the story of the nose picking cashier, killing her desire to eat anything there. That’s the third thing that you notice: You want to touch and/or ingest as little as you would in a porno theater.

As Big Fish is a Tim Burton film, I expected it to be a little strange, and was not let down. But strange can’t hold my attention for too long. For the first half of the movie, I shifted uncomfortably in my seat and actually yawned once or twice.

Then it kicked in.

And I must say, I was choked up until I got to the car. The movie was actually difficult to talk about on the walk out of the theater. It was almost embarrassing. If a movie can do that, even if it starts slowly, I have to give it a good review. (A-)

I Saw Bowling for Columbine this weekend. I don’t honestly know if the facts of the movie are accurate, nor what the heck the point of the movie was, but I actually enjoyed it. Why? It surprised me, and made me think.

My favorite scene of the movie was the scene with rock star Marilyn Manson…

Michael Moore: If you were to talk directly to the kids at Columbine or the people in that community, what would you say to them if they were here right now?
Marilyn Manson:[after pause] I wouldn’t say a single word to them. I would listen to what they have to say. And that’s what no one did.

The two thoughts that solidified in my mind after watching this movie were that

1. People need to feel like they belong somewhere. They need to classify themselves so that they are part of a group. Even the ones who classify themselves as anti-establishment, dress and act in ways to identify themselves to other people with the same views. I’m Irish. I’m a Jew. I’m a Republican. I’m this. I’m that.
2. Americans are afraid of the boogey man. We lock our doors. We carry guns. We lift weights. We learn Ninjitsu. And for what? Because the boogey man is out there. He’s waiting around the corner and in our closets. And if we’re not on edge all the time, he’s gonna git us.

These two points make up a part of who we are as Americans, and a big part of how we interact with eachother. Or don’t.

I tell a you this: If I no have a to watch a the goddamma Sopranos, I could get a lot a thins a finish. I could getta the Christmas a shopping done, I could write a more of the crap on a here, and maybe even a learn a more of a the English. One of these days I’m going to sit down and write something useful. It’s that time of year.

At least I made a the sauce while I watch. 3 pounds of pork, a big nose, and 16 hours later, the first batch of sauce in the new apartment was completed.

I have 5 quarts. First come, first served, and exchanges are encouraged (e-mail above).