When Netflix announced that they would offer instant movie downloads to their customers, I might have gone so far as to send them an e-mail requesting early access to the program. Now, I don’t know if it was the e-mail or mere coincidence, but I just got a “Watch Now” tab on my account and have one hour of movie downloads available for every dollar that I pay for my subscription fee. The service is offered with no impact to my Netflix queue and at no additional cost.

Although the technology won’t run outside of IE (Sorry, good browsers), and requires Windows (sorry, Mac folks) with installed digital license and security updates from Microsoft, I was still intrigued by the coolness of it. When the movies streamed in good quality with no noticeable lag or pixelation, I was practically giddy. I tested several movies, and they all looked surprisingly good, with the exception of “Stroker Ace” which looked like it had been copied from a VHS tape that had been stored in a damp basement since 1985.

I output the audio to my stereo with an optical cable, but the sound was only encoded in stereo. The movies also lacked DVD-like chapters, but skipping to any point in a movie took only about 15 seconds to re-buffer. Even though I think chapters and multi-channel sound would have been nice, I can’t say that I actually expected them. To be honest, I really didn’t expect the service to function very well at all, so getting a decent quality movie streaming to my desktop in stereo with no noticeable lag far exceeded my expectations.

But, no matter how cool the technology is, if you don’t bring the content, no one is going to care. I will admit that Netflix has a ton of movies listed, but none in my queue were available. After searching for an hour or so, I did manage to find a small number of movies that I was glad were available, but most of what I found was nothing more than a collection of Saturday afternoon UHF specials and older classics that people only watch when they’re home sick. Hopefully, this is just an initial batch to test the service, with more popular movies being added as it catches on.

So, I’m torn. I’m psyched about the potential in the technology, but I’m only slightly more impressed with the service than I am with Comcast’s pathetic on demand offerings.

If you’re a Netflix subscriber, keep checking your account because the “watch now” service will be available to you soon. If you don’t have the tab listed yet, you may still be able to get it by following HackingNetflix.com’s Watch Now activation instructions. It worked for at least one person I know.

Good luck, and enjoy!

(On a related note, Blockbuster will once again be offering it’s free rental program for Netflix subscribers between 2/15 and 2/21.)

I’ve spent days thinking about the advancement of web video as a substitute for television lately, and I’m only at the notes/research stage of a post on the topic. One of the things that I’ve been doing is doing a lot of surfing to see if there are enough quality, independent, DRM-free, legal, web-based shows and movies available to make the idea viable.

In my travels, I came across this video that I couldn’t wait to share.

The video is a mocumentary about a man named Phillip Rockhammer and his bid for the National Staredown Championship. Not only is it a quality movie that you can watch in its entirety online, but the director, J.R. McCord, has made the film available for download in both DVD and IPod formats for free.

This is the trailer:

For the full movie, head over to UnflinchingTriumph.com.

Beyond enjoying the movie, I found McCord’s Director’s Manifesto to be inspiring:

“For too long the aggression of the Hollywood mainstream movie industry has remained unchecked. It is simply unjust and un-American that the entertainment of so many is left in the hands of so few. And it is this few that seems to abhor the average viewing public consistently putting out trivial garbage and then having the audacity to charge upwards of ten dollars a pop to see said garbage. Their greed has ruined all that was once good about the movies. But it doesn’t have to be that way, and it is my goal to prove it.

My plan is to use the power of the Internet to create an entirely new and completely free distribution model for movies. I intend to make exactly $0 from this project. My goal is not money, but instead entertainment and I will go to great lengths to make sure this movie is available to all free of charge.

Hopefully this movie will help inspire others to break the Hollywood stronghold, but until then please enjoy ‘Unflinching Triumph.’”

It’s refreshing to see ideas that are usually expressed by content consumers being expressed by a content creator.

Official Staredown rules can be found at the National Association of StareDown Professionals site (a sort of easter egg at the end of the movie).

Before Sunset (chick flick): Set nine years after Richard Linklater’s “Before Sunrise”, the original characters get a second chance to get to know each other. Even though this is solidly in the chick flick arena, it’s not one of those fucking “Jennifer Aniston stands in a cold room and acts like a confused moron” movies. It lacked that Hollywood slickness and dialog flowed along so smoothly that it seemed less like watching a movie than being allowed access to a private conversation. B+

March of the Penguins (duckumentary): This is a documentary about just how far emperor penguins have to go to get a little tail. Honestly, it shouldn’t have been interesting at all, but it was relatively entertaining for an educational film about penguins. C+

Miller’s Crossing (gangster): A 1930’s gangster ends up caught between two rival gangs in a dispute over the fate of a bookie. It wasn’t amazingly original, but it ended up being a good double-cross gangster flick. B

Flavor of Love Season 1 (TV): After watching the entire second season of Flavor of Love, #1GF! and I had to queue up the first season from Netflix. Mating “The Bachelor” with “Jerry Springer”, this show was an absolute train wreck of television. If you’re a fan of Springer-style insanity, then I can tell you this was awesome. If you’re not, it will only prove that Western Civilization is in decline. A

The Puffy Chair (drama): A dude wants to take a trip across the country to pick up a recliner that was exactly like one that his Dad had years ago. He was to deliver the chair for his Dad’s birthday, but everything goes wrong. This movie just sucked. It did. Sure, it’s an indy flick, but that doesn’t necessarily make it good. I spent most of the time waiting for something to happen, and the other half aggravated that nothing did. D-

Nacho Libre (comedy): What was the last good movie that Jack Black was in? High Fidelity? I think so. I would also say that it was probably his only funny role. He’s a talented guy, and if you give him some good writing and let him work around the structure, Black is funny. If you take away that structure by pairing him up with the guy who directed “Napoleon Dynamite”, you get a big steaming pile of crap called Nacho Libre. D-

Mule Skinner Blues (documentary): Netflix failed me again. Their description began, “A quirky cast of characters makes this unusual documentary by Stephen Earnhart an interesting spectacle.” Sounds interesting doesn’t it? Give the greeter at the front door at Wal-mart a video camera for the day and I can guarantee a less self-absorbed and infinitely more interesting documentary. The thing went nowhere, said nothing, and ate my time. F

Firewall (thriller): Oh, it’s another movie where the kidnappers have some guy’s family held for ransom. This time, the guy is Harrison Ford, who is being targeted for being a security expert at a bank. Holy crap is this movie a bunch of bullshit. Ford rewrites firewall rules of a major bank in two seconds to thwart someone hacking in, uses a piece of a scanner taped to a screen to get account numbers downloaded into a friggin’ IPOD, and talks in a voice that is so falsely tough that it actually made us laugh. In no movie did I want the kidnappers to shoot the family more than this one. D-

Hard Candy (suspense): A young girl gets her revenge against a murderous sex offender. The movie was a little slow and had a graphic anatomical testicle dissection, but it wasn’t bad. C+

Orwell Rolls in His Grave (documentary): “This is making me paranoid, so it can not be good for you.” - #1GF! This was a documentary on how we have slowly slipped into an Orwellian-style new world order through the marriage between the American state and media. They will control all that you see and hear… B+

Waking Life (??): There wasn’t really a story to this one. It was more of an onslaught of philosophy with a cool visual. There were just so many ideas being thrown out that I was going over the movie in my head for for days afterward. One of my favorite quotes was, “The gap between Plato and the average man is greater than the gap between the average man and a chimp. If most people will never realize their potential, would you say that the most universal human attribute is fear or laziness?” I figured out the answer, but I’m a little too tired to explain and a little afraid that I might be oversimplifying. A

Oldboy (foreign): A Japanese dude is locked up for 15 years and has to figure out why. This movie had incest, the worst fight scene that I’ve ever seen, and some of the longest stretches of nothing really happening that I can remember in a film. Besides not seeing the twist coming and seeing a close-up of a tooth being pried out with a hammer, this movie was a waste of my time. I give it a big, fat (what the) F

Criminal Two small-time criminals get together to make a big score. I spent so much time trying to guess who was double-crossing who that it was over before I knew it. Although I admit that I didn’t see the conclusion coming, it might have been a little more convenient than logical. Still, I think it was a pretty fun film. A-

I can’t believe that Halloween is almost upon us. And everyone knows that a good Halloween starts with four basic ingredients: decorations, music, video, and a costume.

Decorations

Let’s start with the decorations. You can carve a pumpkin like everyone else, but that’s not very novel is it? What about carving one from one of the Homestarrunner Pumpkin patterns? No one will get it, but on the off chance that someone does, they will think you are cool.

If that’s just too much work, or you’re worried about getting pumpkin goo all over your officially licensed, 100% authentic Captain Kirk shirt, why not take a stab at making some ghosts or bats to hang around the house? You could do that, right? Look at this cute little bastard:

Bust out that box of tampons and the provided instructions and get your place decorated.

Music

Once the place is decorated, you’re going to need to fill the air with spooky toons. For those into musical oddities, Louie sent over this massive list of 90 (yes, 90!) obscure Halloween records from the Forbidden Crypts Of Haunted Music. There is so much good stuff in there that it might require that you pick up the Firefox extension “DownThemAll” to rapidly download all of the tunes without inadvertently click click clicking your way to madness.

On the same wavelength, even though I have to say that this year’s Oddiooverplay Halloween album was pretty disappointing, they still offer Ghouls with Attitude Volume 1 & 2 and a Munsters remix called “Munster Beat!” for your free downloading pleasure.

If you are still unsatisfied with the level of weirdness in your newly acquired tunes, you can download all of the original sounds recorded from Disney’s Haunted Mansion to play over and over to ramp up your Halloween spirits.

Videos

Once you’re in full Halloween swing, make sure you download (or stream) Nosferatu, Night of the Living Dead, and other old horror movies courtesy of the Internet archive.

If those don’t scare the kids, then kick it up a notch with the next videos. There’s nothing that can strike fear into children’s hearts on Halloween night like a pedophile and his dancing army of Vampirezombies. You know I’m talking about: MJ’s “Thriller”. Watch all 8 glorious minutes below…

…But unless you count sexual habits, Thriller doesn’t add much to the “weird” theme of this post now, does it? That’s why I dug out the Indian version of Thriller. You haven’t seen anything, yet. Oh enjoy this one…Enjoy it to hell!

And once you’re videoed out, wind down with last years Homestar Halloween Adventure and dig those crazy costumes.

Crap. Costumes. If you’re actually one of those social types without bodies to dispose of, you may find yourself in need of something to wear this weekend. Let’s tackle that now.

Costumes

I tried to find you something cool like a “Fletch in the LA Lakers dream sequence”, but from what I gathered from online costume shops, if you’re a guy, every costume is going to make you look like a dork. If you’re a girl, every costume out there will essentially make you look like a filthy, filthy, dirty, filthy whore. I’m not just saying that because I know you like it. No. I’ve provided the proof below:

Boy Judge and Girl Judge (Yes, it says “Guilty” across her ass):

Sno White and the Seven Dwarves:

Whoredy Ann and Pedophile Andy:

He-devil and She-devil:

And even the “Biblical” Costumes Get In on it (Yes, that is a Nun costume):

God bless America.

The Wrap Up

By this point, you have the tunes, you have the vids, you’re dressed like a whore or a dork, and you have strung tampons from every hangable surface. You should be well prepared for the holiday, and I seriously hope you are taking pictures.

Happy Halloween!

Day After Tomorrow (thriller) C+ The world climate changes and the world plunges into a new ice age. I have to say that the main point of the movie was the special effects, and more than half the time they were terrible. I also will admit that I sat there with my mouth open through the other half of the effects despite how stupid most of the plot was. C+

Deadwood Season 1: Disc 1 (TV): This cowboy series from HBO set in the old west town of Deadwood. I only watched the first disc, but all I really got out of it was that cowboys like to use the word “cocksucker” a lot. Other than that, it didn’t grab me enough to get me to order up a second disc. C

Just Like Heaven (romance): Reese Witherspoon’s ghost haunts the guy that moves into her apartment and somehow they fall in love. Fuck. Just jam a friggin’ corkscrew in my eye. C

Thinking XXX (documentary): Timothy Greenfield-Sanders photographed porn stars in their every-day clothes for his book “Thinking XXX”. This was a documentary of those photo shoots including interviews with the stars interspersed with segments from various authors and personalities on the subject of porn. If you can get past the 450 pounds of nudity, the documentary is actually pretty interesting. It’s not as good as the Ron Jeremy documentary, but what is? I think my favorite moment came while listening to one interviewee making some good points on the subject. Right after I said, “Wow, I like this guy,” he said something like, “…a lot of people don’t believe it, but that was about the time that the aliens anally probed me.” B-

How to Kill Your Neighbor’s Dog (drama): A miserable prick of a failed playwright is half of a couple that doesn’t have kids, and he doesn’t want any. He then meets a kid that changes his mind. Sounds like some trite bullshit, doesn’t it? It does to me, too. Despite it eye-rollingly simplistic and overemotional, I have to say that the characters were interesting enough to keep me involved the whole way through. B

Friends with Money (drama): This is a chick flick. Period. Chicks talking to chicks about chick stuff. I can’t remember hating it, it left no impression on me at all. The only men who might like this movie are fat guys who dream of dating Jennifer Aniston. C

L’aventure C’est L’aventure (foreign): This is a 1972 caper comedy that ended up in my Netflix queue, but I don’t know how. I also don’t remember what the hell happened during it. I think it was funny, but I really don’t remember. Oh you’ll never watch it anyway. Who the fuck watches French comedies from 1972 intentionally? This gets my first Mystery rating: ??

American Pimp (documentary): This is the documentary that proves beyond a doubt that it is not hard out there for a pimp. Pimpin’ is easy. If you want to know about pimp life, this is the place to learn about it. Did you know that hookers get 0% of their pay? Ze-ro. I was amazed. B

Devil’s Playground (documentary): When Amish kids turn 16, they go on what is called “Rumspringa”, where for a few years they get to experience the world before having to commit to the Amish church. This period of experimentation with modern life includes booze, drugs, sex, cars, and some major parties. At the end of the period they have to either commit to the Amish way of life or leave the community behind. B

Derailed (thriller): Oh, another movie with a predictable “twist”. Are there 7 year olds in Hollywood writing scripts these days? Because if there are, they will surely get along with the casting directors. Shit. If there are any doubts about Jennifer Aniston and Clive Owen being one dimensional actors, this movie should put it to rest. And their acting was only half as predictably bad as the plot. I can’t wait until the two of them lose their looks and drop out of movies for good. D.

Dead End (horror): People go on a car ride in the woods…and they’re dead. Oops, did I ruin that for you? Don’t worry, you would’ve gotten it in the first 5 minutes. Think of it as me as saving you 90 minutes that I’ll never get back. The acting sucked, the story sucked, and it’s making me angry just writing about this movie. F as in “Fuck this movie”.

Lake House (drama/romance/sci-fi): I got this recommendation from a guy at work with the caveat that I would be bawling by the end. Not only was I not even the slightest bit welled-up, but #1GF! wasn’t either. I am now convinced that despite his rugged looks, the guy who recommended it may have a vagina. On the plus side, I will say that it was an OK concept for a romance movie, and featured the absolute worst on-camera sneeze that I have ever seen. It was so bad that I had to watch the scene twice. On the other hand, the movie was ok at best, I had the ending figured out within the first 15 minutes, and it features Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves, 2 actors with the ability to drive most of the population insane without even uttering a word. C

Underworld (scifi): The vampires and the lichen are at war. I guess actually having a werewolves fight vampires in a movie that was made after 1948, must’ve sounded dumb, so they thought they could make it better by changing the word “werewolf” to “lichen”. Dear Hollywood, calling a piece of shit by a new name does not make it any less smelly. Had they used the traditional definition of lichen and given me something like “Dracula and the Curse of the Aztec Fungus”, I would’ve known that the stink was intended, and it probably would’ve gotten a good review here. They didn’t though. If you wear a cape for fun, or think that a movie need not have more than a chick in a rubber suit shooting guns to be good, then this movie is for you. It may also be good for those who like really crappy special effects. For the rest of us, it’s a skip. Lichens. Now that’s bullshit, man. D

Lucky Number Slevin (thriller): You have to love a good revenge flick, especially if it has good writing, good visuals, and an all-star cast. Even though I had it figured out way too early, I still give it the old thumbs up. I want to say more, but I don’t want to give anything away. B

Primer (indie): A couple of engineers create a time machine in their garage. For a low budget time travel movie, I’m amazed at how believable I found the method of time travel. I didn’t even question it. Even though it was only 77 minutes, there were too many time paradoxes for me to keep track of, and I felt as confused as I did after watching Memento for the first time. If I watched it again, it might’ve made sense, but it really wasn’t good enough to warrant it. C+

Failure to Launch (chick flick): Oh look, it’s a movie with Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew McConaughey in it. McConaughey is 35 and his parents want him to move out of their house, and hire Parker to lure him out. The plan falls apart, and they fall in love. Will this movie appeal to you if you lack a vagina? No. No, it will not. Does the idea of Parker or McConaughey playing a 35 year old seem like very wishful thinking? Uh-huh. Will you think the ending is so fucking stupid that you will want to set fire to a teddy bear holding a heart and lob it in into a Hallmark store full of puppies? Oh, I guarantee it. C+

Oh man, don’t ask me how I came across this, but when I did, it pushed today’s regularly scheduled post to the back burner.

You go to this site, select a few personalizing options, and get a personalized message sent by Samuel L Jackson by e-mail or phone. The turnaround time between answering the last question and getting the call seems to be about three minutes.

It not only doesn’t verify the phone numbers that you put in, but it spoofs the number that you input into the caller id of the person receiving it. Remember, I have no idea if they’re collecting the phone number data, so you might want not want to send it to your grandma’s unlisted number, just to be safe.

I realize that it’s just a cheap promotional gimmick to push Samuel L. Jackson’s Snakes on a Plane, but I and everyone I showed it to seemed to say, “Best. Message. Ever.”

Personal Message From Samuel L. Jackson by E-mail or Phone.

Enjoy!

Match Point (mystery): Although there were a couple of neat cinematic moments, I have to say that not only was I was bored through the movie’s entirety, but the acting was so awful that I think #1GF! and I could’ve given a better performance if given only 20 minutes to review the script. I’m becoming a firm believer that if she lacked her various big body parts, Scarlet Johansen would never have been put in front of the camera. I find her complete lack of acting ability absolutely fucking astounding. I think that the guy who recommended this movie rents movies solely based on what female actress is in them. D

Just Friends (comedy): The fat kid is in love with his best friend the cheerleader. She doesn’t like him, so he vows to be rich, famous and thin. He comes back 10 years later to sweep her off her feet. This could’ve been so much funnier than it was, but it wasn’t horrible. C+

BattleStar Galactica Season 1.0 and 2.0 (TV): I did not want to like this, but I ended up getting really hooked on the mini-series. I can’t say that I was a major fan of the original, but I remember it being pretty craptastic for a Star Wars knockoff. The remake of the series has plenty of nods to the old series for the fan of the original, while updating it enough to make it seem less hokey to new viewers. They reworked the Cylons into a more human form, and they even replaced a couple of the main male characters from the original series with women. I originally thought that the idea seemed doomed to fail (even when considering the mens’ feathery hairstyles of the 70’s) but after watching, I have to say that it was a good decision. I’m glad that I watched this on DVD, because every goddamned episode is either a cliff-hanger or dead boring. B

Must Love Dogs (chick flick) This is yet another movie where John Cusack plays the same role that he has been playing since Say Anything. The basic premise of this film is that some chick puts out a personal ad after she gets divorced, yadda yadda, she meets Cusack, and they all live happily ever after. C

Ikiru (foreign drama): Kanji is a Japanese bureaucrat who spends his entire life pushing papers in a government office. He finds out that he has cancer, forcing him to completely reexamine his life. Even taking into consideration that this was made in 1952 and is in Japanese, I don’t think that today’s average corporate cube farmer will have trouble finding common ground with this movie. The only issue that I have with it is its slow pace, but that’s a problem with most older films, not this one in particular. B

The Matador (dark comedy): Pierce Brosnan plays a lone hitman who accidentally befriends a small-time salesman (Greg Kinnear) in a bar in Mexico. A weird friendship ensues. The way these two characters contrast each other made for a pretty entertaining watch. The only complaint that I can remember having about the film was that I wanted the big blue letters that appeared on the screen to be red, but that’s not really justifiable. B+

Walking Tall (action): This was the remake of the 1973 film of the same name. Essentially, a guy replaces the town mill with a casino and starts selling drugs from it. The Rock doesn’t like that, so he starts whacking people around with a 2×4. There was action, and I don’t mind The Rock, but I can’t say it was worth a watch. C

Six Feet Under Seasons 1-6 (TV): This is a series about a family who owns a funeral home and what they go through. I was taken with the originality of the series during the first season, but then every character got so self absorbed and overly dramatic that I watched each episode only to see if one of them would fucking die. Yes. By the time they all did, it wasn’t nearly as gory as I thought they deserved for wasting so much of my time. This is worse than Sex in the City. D-

Clerks II (comedy): I went to the movies, cock knockers! As you know, “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back” is one of my favorite movies of all time, but after watching Clerks II, it’s almost as if Kevin Smith (director) hasn’t expanded his writing style or directing ability since making Clerks ten years ago. If you liked the original Clerks, this movie is essentially a grosser version: The story is essentially the same, the characters are the same, and you’ll even notice the same long, heartfelt dialogs punctuated by fart jokes that are trademarks of the original. While I don’t mistake shock value and fart jokes for comedy, I can’t say that I don’t appreciate them. I do. And I miss my donkey. B+

Shopgirl (romance): This was one of two movies rented for #1GF!’s birthday week. The movie is about a girl (Claire Danes) who works at the glove counter at a department store who is caught between a young a-hole (Jason Schwartzman) and and old rich guy (Steve Martin). Even for a chick flick, I thought this sucked. It was like someone told Steve Martin that all of his old comedic peers were taking on more serious roles and he should, too. If he’s hell bent on being taking on serious roles at this stage of the game, he should be a little more picky so that he’s remembered as a versatile comedic actor rather than as “that guy in Shopgirl.” F+

Rumor Has It (romantic comedy): Jennifer Aniston figures out that her family is the inspiration for the movie “The Graduate.” Her grandmother is Mrs. Robinson, her mother had an affair before her parents got married, and she may be Kevin Costner’s love child. Does this sound like there is anything in it for boys? Aside from a brief encounter with the naked back of Jennifer’s right boob, there really isn’t. This was another movie for #1GF! for her birthday weekend. It made me want to kill less than Shopgirl, but Hollywood should find some writers and some talent before committing actual dollars to projects like this. D-

From Beijing with Love (foreign action): This was an attempt at a comedic ripoff of a James Bond film in Chinese. I think I put it in the Netflix queue because it stars Stephen Chow from Kung Fu Hustle. Unfortunately, although I did laugh a couple of times, I don’t really have anything good to say about it. It was low budget, lacked any real comedy, and the translations to English were done by someone who had no more knowledge of English than the present tense. D

Syriana (drama) Ok. Rather than a plot description, the second line of the movie summary mentions George Clooney’s weight gain for the role. I took that as a bad sign, and rightly so. Roger Ebert said this movie was “endlessly fascinating,” but I thought it was just plain endless. I can’t say that the acting was bad, but after two full hours of watching this movie, #1GF! and I quizzically looked at each other for a hint of what the hell had transpired. It had something to do with oil and politics, but beyond that, I have absolutely no clue. None. I felt like one of those poor people who went to see Dune but never read the book. In discussing this with my coworkers, none of them had any idea what had happened, either. Maybe my opinion is an indication that I don’t watch enough CNN, but D-

16 Blocks (thriller): Bruce Willis is a washed out cop that needs to transport a criminal (Mos Def) 16 blocks to the courthouse to testify in front of a grand jury. Unfortunately, a group of crooked cops wants to stop him. This is certainly no masterpiece, but after all the crap I watched, I ended up enjoying this movie. I will say that Mos Def’s vocal acting has the potential to ruin the movie if you let it, but there is instant action, a little philosophy, and the theatrical ending should leave you feeling good. B+

America’s Got Talent (TV): This isn’t a movie, but I hate this show so much that I actually snuck it into a movie review post. Is it me, or can anyone understand how a show could be so absolutely misnamed. It’s the Special Olympics of talent without the associated good feelings. And why have English people suddenly begun to pepper the the TV landscape posing as bitchy little judges? And is Brandy on crack? She’s reminds me of a young Whitney on precipice of meeting Bobby Brown. And why the fuck is David Hasslehog ANY SORT OF JUDGE OF TALENT?? ARGGHH. I wish letter grades went to “G” so that I could give this fucking show an “H”. F-

Metal: A Headbanger’s Journey (documentary): This was a general history and exploration of heavy metal as a subculture. As a metal fan, I thought it was really entertaining, although not super informative. #1GF!, who has no interest in heavy metal, found it to be loud. The 2 notes that are important to take from this movie are that 1.)Metal fans are forever. You never hear someone say that they were into Slayer…one summer, and 2.)All music has already been done by Black Sabbath. I would assume that point number 2 includes the Macarena and the Chicken dance, although Sabbath’s versions were a lot darker than today’s versions. Horns up for this movie! B+

Safe House (thriller): Patrick Stewart (Star Trek) plays an ex-government agent that is either being targeted for assassination by the government or he has Alzheimer’s. There isn’t really a lot that I can say about this except that it had all the qualities of a made for TV movie, and Patrick Stewart doesn’t say “Make it so” even once. If Patrick Stewart was a woman, this would be on constant replay on the Lifetime network. C+

The Constant Gardener (thriller): This was supposed to be a movie about a British diplomat who tracks down the people who killed his wife on the plains of Africa. Netflix made me think that there was going to be nail-biting suspense and bone-crunching action that ended in “Your diplomatic immunity has been revoked! [BLAM!]” What I got was a slow, sad movie that can hardly be categorized as a thriller, but it was an Ok watch. C+

Speedo (documentary): Fuckin’ A. This was a documentary about an amateur demolition derby driver from New Jersey who goes by the name of “Speedo.” Speedo is not that bright or cultured, but he loves demolition derby enough that his passion is contagious. That contagion kept me grinning ear to ear the whole way through. My favorite line from the movie comes when Speedo is handing out Speedo (the Swim company) hats to some of the officials at the biggest derby of his career. “Oh do you work for Speedo?” asked one. Completely missing the point, Speedo replies, “Work for Speedo? I am Speedo.” Kick ass. B-

Blue Hill Avenue (drama): Ooh look! Another movie about kids who grow up to be gangstas! The only reason I got this movie is because it was set in Boston. I can’t remember a good plot or any good acting. Come to think of it, I don’t think this made much of an impression at all. C-

Home Movie (documentary): The reason I picked this up is because it was directed by the guy who directed American Movie, which has to be one of my favorite documentaries ever. This documentary was originally shot as a series of commercials for homestore.com on the premise that our homes become our autobiographies. Even though it’s only an hour long, this documentary examines five very different homes (a house boat, missile silo, home of the future, and tree house) and the unique owners that inhabit them. I have to say that I was pretty fascinated throughout, and even #1GF!, who is not a fan of documentaries, left it with a smile. When she asks me where I find these movies, rather than threatening to clog the queue with another fucking Sex in the City disc, I know I have a winner. A-

House of 1000 Corpses (horror): Rob Zombie set out to make a 1970’s B movie. Or that’s what he made. Whether he made a poop that looked like Nixon and proclaimed that he meant to, or whether he just set out to take a crap is beyond me. This started as a slasher horror flick and somehow jumped into being a monster movie. I lost track of what the hell was going on and sort of gave up about three quarters of the way through. I think I’d watch the extended version of MJ’s Thriller video before watching this again. D is for DigitalDarryl.

Cinemania (documentary): This is a documentary about a bunch of New York film buffs who live, eat, and breathe movies. They spend their days going from theater to theater to see the maximum number of movies possible, generally averaging 3 per day. They are virtual encyclopedias of cinema, but the price they pay in terms of social skills is absolutely staggering. If you think you are into movies, this is the movie to prove you’re not. I felt very, very normal after watching this one. And that really doesn’t happen much. B

Bamboozled (drama): A Spike Lee Joint. If you remove 90% of the comedy and replaced the Jewish subject matter with African American subject matter, The Producers would be Bamoboozled. I think I Lost interest about halfway, because this version wasn’t funny or very thought provoking. D

The History of Violence (thriller): The critics loved this one. Vigo Mortensen owns a diner and heroically stops a robbery, which attracts mobsters who think Vigo is in the witness protection program. With that premise, this should’ve been awesome. Unfortunately, the acting sucked, the plot was written by a 5 year old, and our commentary was 100 times more entertaining than the movie. I actually got more out of saying, “Viiiiiiiiiigooooooo” than watching the movie. D-

The Ice Harvest (crime): Billy Bob Thornton and John Cusack plan a robbery from a small time mob boss, and nothing seems to go as planned. The movie was a slow moving double cross flick, but I forgave its pace for keeping me interested until the end. The only thing that I wish that they had done is make alternate ending #2 the real ending, because in the movies, flawed characters have to pay. I also enjoyed the outtake of BBT playing an entire scene with Cusack as the guy from SlingBlade. Yea. MMMM huh. B

Munich (drama): Terrorists killed the Israelis at the ‘72 Olympics, so an Israeli soldier goes under cover to hunt down all the people that had a hand in it. This was a slow and randomly gory movie that could have easily been shortened to two hours. Instead of being an action flick or a spy caper, it tried to be an epic, which didn’t really work out. And I thought this was Syriana, so during the whole thing, I kept looking at #1GF! and saying, “When the fuck does the bearded George Clooney show up?” C

Saved (comedy): This was bad version of Heathers/Mean Girls with a religious angle. There really isn’t much more to say. C

Jarhead: This was the story of soldiers in Desert Storm. The movie was as slow and pointless as the war, but I think that might actually have been intentional. The acting was good, but nothing really happened before the credits rolled. C+

Huff: Season 1 (TV): - This is a Showtime series about a psychiatrist played by Hank Azaria. The characters are varied and quirky, and the writing is as solid as SportsNight or The Sporanos. I don’t really know how much I can really say about it without giving away details, but it’s a solid watch if you have an hour here or there. B+

Le Femme Nikita (foreign action): This has been one of my favorite movies for about 10 years, and I wanted #1GF! to check it out. I would recommend it for people who like kick ass chicks in movies, but I remember it being a lot better. Actually, I might even recommend the remake more. B-

Fun With Dick & Jane (comedy): Jim Carrey loses his job when his company tanks, and he has to resort to crime to pay his bills. It could’ve been a funny movie if they relied more on writing than on Jim Carey throwing his limbs around. Jim, the shtick was funny 10 years ago, but then again, so was Emo Phillips. C

Around the Bend (drama): It was a drama, so I thought it might appease #1GF!, and it had Chris Walken, which I thought would be enough for me. Unfortunately, the only thing worse than the movie was the soundtrack. It seemed like someone wrote an outline of a really good movie and then turned it over to the director before doing any actual writing. And if you’re going to walk me through 90 minutes of lead up, don’t hit me with a let down at the end. D

Naked Weapon (kung fu): This was the story of chicks who get kidnapped at an early age and trained to be assassins. In the first five minutes, there was a gun fight, a huge explosion, and some sweet naked boobies. Unfortunately, it all went down hill from there. The acting was laughably awful, and by the end, the fights became utterly ridiculous, although some of the fights had me blurting out “oh shit!” against my will. All in all, I would say that it might be worth a watch for hard-core kung fu fans. C+

One thing that I’ve noticed lately is that the price of DVDs seems to be falling. I saw Mr & Mrs. Smith at CompUSA for 9.99 and there were a ton of recent movies at Target for 7.50-9.99. I was tempted to buy a few of them until I remembered that I have a ton on my shelf that I never watch. I can’t figure out if it’s a pending technology that’s pushing the prices down or a lack of market demand. Anyway…

House of Flying Daggers (kung fu): It’s ancient China, and a military officer needs to infiltrate a gang to take them down. He ends up pairing up with a girl from the gang who happens to be an amazing fighter. She happens to be able to defeat ten guys at once, despite the fact that she’s blind (we later find out that she was only pretending). I am not into the whole Crouching Tiger dramatic kung fu story. In fact, I hate them. If you’re going to recommend some kung fu, there had better be more kicking than kissing. And Crouching Tiger was boring enough: there was absolutely no need to make a more boring version. When I wasn’t sleeping (literally), I was 1. waiting for something to happen, or 2. Getting really irritated with all the really over-dramatic kissing. Fuck this movie. F.

Bad Santa (drama): Billy Bob Thornton plays a Santa who travels from town to town with his midget helper cracking safes during the Christmas season. Santa is a horrible drunk, who is three-quarters down his downward spiral. In his final safe-crack, he meets a fat kid who inadvertently starts to turn his life around. The plot on this was pretty slow, but there were a couple of good laughs and it is a unique plot. Maybe I would’ve enjoyed it more when the Christmas season was getting on my nerves. C+

40 Year Old Virgin (comedy): Steve Carell (the Office) is a 40 year old virgin living in a state of arrested development that seems to have halted around the age of 12. His co-workers invite him to a poker game one day when they are a man short, and realize that he is a virgin after he describes breasts as feeling like “big, bags of sand” while trying to bluff his way through telling a sex story. For the next 2 hours, we follow his coworkers giving him advice on how to get a woman into bed. I swear that I didn’t stop laughing at this one for the full two hours (I even watched the commentary). Despite the comedians playing their parts with awesome timing and doing some great ad-libbing, this might not be for everyone. If the words “pussy juice cocktail” or a 10 minute segment where characters taunt each other with, “Oh yea? You know how I know you’re gay?” causes more of a frown than a smirk, you may want to skip this one. I’m not sure that I can even talk about a majority of this movie at work, which is a damned shame. A

Kung Fu Hustle (kung fu): The Axe gang runs all territories except for one small ghetto, but because of the actions of a couple of small-time crooks, the gang decides to take it over. Unfortunately, the ghetto is run by some of the greatest kung fu masters in the world. Carnage ensues. I generally don’t like fantasy kung fu where people have magic powers and fly through the air, but this flick circumvented my rule with a judicious use of slapstick. As long as you like kung fu and are willing to shut off the logical side of the brain, this is pretty entertaining. B+

Shaolin Soccer (kung fu): A group of poor guys with secret Shaolin kung fu skills learn to play soccer to challenge Team Evil for a million dollar prize. I don’t know if it was the people breaking into a dance rendition of “Thriller” and then returning to their business as if nothing had happened, or the kung fu tornado that tore people’s clothes off, but I think that this was one of the strangest movies that I have ever seen. And this is coming from a guy who once saw a movie where a guy strangled another guy with his own intestines (see Riki-Oh). The special effects are terrible and the story is beyond ridiculous, but the completely bizarre things that happened just kept me watching. I groaned a lot, but I laughed as I did. If this was a kids movie, I would understand it more. B

Elizabethtown (drama): A guy makes a monumentally poor decision on a sneaker design and loses nearly a billion dollars for his company. In the middle of setting up a particularly painful way to kill himself, he finds out that his father died and that he has to go pick up the body in Kentucky before continuing with his own demise. On the way, he meets a particularly interesting stewardess and we follow them for a couple of hours. There was barely enough of anything keeping me watching this movie. I’ll save you a couple of hours and tell you that the point of the whole thing is that people need people. D

Rules of Attraction (drama): Ah yes, old age has set in, and I’m finally ‘flixing movies that I’ve already seen. I saw this one back in 2003 and gave it a C. I stand by my original review, although I will bump my rating up because according to #1GF! I’m softening up in my old age. C+

The Squid and the Whale (drama): Oh man, when I saw the weird indy trailer for this movie, I walked right over to the old PC and added it to the Netflix queue. The preview suggested that it would be one of those indy character driven stories like Sideways that I just can’t seem to resist. Unfortunately, it ended up being about 2 kids dealing with their parents’ divorce in the 80’s. It ended up being too weird, too boring, and didn’t really go anywhere. If you think that it might not suck, let me just say that Billy fucking Baldwin was in it. Believe me now? C- (#1GF! gives it a C+)

Broken Flowers (dark comedy?): Bill Murray stars as a 50 year old bachelor who gets a mysterious, unsigned letter informing him that he has a 20 year old son. Unfortunately, the letter offers no further information on who the son is. His best friend convinces him to track down all his possible girlfriends from the time his son could’ve been conceived and sends him on a journey to track the boy down. This is a character movie, and I find a lot of depth in the drier, semi-depressed characters that Murray has been taking on in recent years. It was also directed by Jim Jarmusch, who directed Mystery Train and Night on Earth, which are a couple of my favorites. Unfortunately, Jarmusch believes that making movies that tell a complete story is not as important as making movies that the viewer will make something out of long after the film is over. And while I respect that kind of goal, I don’t like it in my films. C+

Thumbsucker (drama): Oh look, I picked another indie character movie. How unusual. As the title would suggest, this is a movie about a boy who sucks his thumb. Actually, the boy is more of a teenager. And the story is more about him not sucking his thumb. In the process, the movie sort of makes a point about replacing what people need with what is socially acceptable, and how strange and hollow the replacement can be. I have to say that this was the first role since Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure that I thought wasn’t over Keanu Reeves head. I didn’t question him or think he was an idiot. Not even once. B

The Weather Man (dark comedy) Nick Cage plays a weather man whose life is falling apart around him. His father is dying, his wife is divorcing him, people on the street throw things at him, and his overweight daughter has been nicknamed “camel toe” at school. On the other hand, the guy is a successful weather man with a shot at a national spot. Because he can’t focus on anything more than trying to become his father, he remains a professional success and a personal failure. There were some great shots in this movie, and some really great dialogue. B

The Island (sci-fi): I really think that in a Hollywood brainstorming meeting somewhere, someone just said, “Fuck it. Why don’t we save some money on writing and just combine The Matrix and I, Robot into one film? Even if it sucks, we’ll hire Michael Bay to blow enough shit up that no one will notice.” The story was mindless and fast, but if it wasn’t for Bay’s over-the-top action sequences, it wouldn’t be worth much. B

Walk the Line (drama): I will admit that this movie had great songs, great performances and a bunch of cool cameos (I was pretty proud of myself when I picked out a young Waylon Jennings before he was identified by name), but and I have to say that when there wasn’t any music playing, I was pretty bored. I don’t know why. Maybe there was something wrong with the story. Maybe I spent time wondering how many times I have to be subject to the whole “junkie sweating in bed and throwing things across the room” scenes? Maybe it was that the whole movie seemed too much like “Ray” for country folk. If you’re not a Johnny Cash fan, I can see this movie being sort a waste of time. C+

Sahara (action): Some action movies are just so good that they grab your attention and keep your heart pounding until the end. Then, there are movies like Sahara that make you appreciate those movies. I really don’t think they thought about the story or the action sequences at all when they made this movie. I think they found 2 rejected short stories in a bottom drawer somewhere and decided to tenuously blend them into a single story just to put Matthew McConaughey in an action movie. This was a waste of time on a major scale. D-

American Pie presents Band Camp (comedy): This is technically a sequel in the American Pie series based around Stiffler’s little brother, now 18, who is forced to go to band camp as punishment for pepper spraying the band during graduation. There were only 2 people from the original American Pie cast in the movie, it was released straight to DVD, and it relies on another movie in its title without getting the official sequel title of “American Pie 4.” These are clues that indicate a highly sucky movie that I completely missed before watching. In all fairness, if you cut half the comedy out of the original American Pie and replaced them with boobs, you would be left with Band Camp. The best part of the movie is one of the special features where the camp nurse gives a typical sex ed class. The school nurse is played by (ex?) porn star, Ginger Lynn, whose performance was so straight laced, it was not only funny, but comically impressive. D+

The Wedding Crashers (comedy): Two guys crash weddings to pick up chicks, and eventually one falls in love and screws up a good thing. There’s a billion and a half reviews on this one, and little need for me to add to the pile. It was funny and I enjoyed it quite a bit. B+

National Lampoon’s Barely Legal (comedy): Three high school pals lose a source of income when the video store that they pirate porno videos from goes out of business. They then come up with the wacky idea of forming their own porn company. Because the script is tired and the jokes stale, hilarity doesn’t really ensue. The better versions of this movie are called The Girl Next Door and Risky Business. C

Dukes of Hazard (comedy): The critics hated this movie, so I wasn’t really expecting much. I used to watch the Duke Boys every Friday when I was a kid to see that orange ‘68 charger jump over stuff and squeal it’s tires (even on dirt). The show was cheesy as hell, but who cared? The show was all about the car, and it was fun as hell. This movie was no different, and despite it’s complete crap ratings, I loved it. Like the Brady Bunch movie, it hit on most of the points of the original show, but added it’s own modern touches. I really didn’t like the idea of a blonde Daisy Duke, but they liberally sprinkled the movie with Linda Carter, who is twice as hot as Jessica Simpson, despite being twice her age. The only other gripe against the movie was that that soundtrack was a who’s who of southern rock, but the actual CD of the soundtrack pales in comparison. I think this movie was made for thirty-something year old boys, and I fit right in the target audience. B+

The Siege (action): If I told you that there was a movie out starring Denzel Washington and Bruce Willis and they’re out to catch terrorists who are planting bombs all over New York City, you’d want to watch it. Unfortunately, the actors and the premise promise a thrill ride that the script doesn’t deliver. Half way through I spent more time making fun of Annette Bening’s over dramatic acting than waiting for Bruce Willis to blurt out a terrible rendition of, “YOU want the TRUTH? YOU can’t handle the TRUTH!” Someone should get a kick in the nuts for this let down.C-

Millions (drama?): Two English kids find 200,000 English pounds, and one brother wants to turn himself into a 12 year old pimp of the nation, while the other wants to spend it on the poor. Despite the hard to understand English accents, I really enjoyed a solid three-quarters of this movie. Somewhere the movie that I was watching got sidetracked and by the time the ending showed up and I had no idea what the heck happened. B-

The Aristocrats (documentary): So there’s this joke told by comics to each other that goes back to Vaudeville times called “the aristocrats.” Essentially the joke sucks. It starts with “A family walks in to a talent agent’s office and says, ‘Have we got an act for you,’” and ends with “We call ourselves… The Aristocrats.” In the middle, comics put in the most vile things that they can think of. There were points that I laughed at this movie, but if someone just put together a 10 minute documentary and threw it on the web, it would be more than enough. Although I find myself writing versions of the joke in my head, I wouldn’t waste any time watching this one. D

Four Brothers (drama): Imagine a 70’s Detroit Cop Movie where the street-wise rebel needs to exact revenge on the pimp that killed his mother. Now, imagine that same movie in 2005 where Markie “Come on guys! Let’s get those Apes” Mark is the best thing in it. The acting sucked, the plot was stupid, the characters were paper thin, and the “action” was laughably stupid. I wonder just how much Hollywood dick had to be sucked to get someone to commit to putting this on film. F

Trekkies 2 (documentary): If you ask me which I would recommend in this series, I would have to say that the original Trekkies noses this one out. I can’t say that Trekkies 2 was bad, but it was just a re-hash of the first movie with fresh nerds. I would say that it should be a companion disc to the first movie, and there seemed like there was enough material in the deleted scenes to make a short film. Actually, I think I can say that I enjoyed the deleted scenes more than the movie itself. C+

In Her Shoes (chick flick): The movie starts out with Cameron Diaz having sex in a bathroom stall until she throws up all over the place. She then gets kicked out of the house by her evil step mother and gets taken in by her straight-laced lawyer sister. As gratitude, she screws her sister’s new boyfriend. And so begins the downward spiral that lands the bad sister in a Florida retirement community trying to manipulate a grandmother that she hasn’t seen in 15 years. This is the story of 2 sisters and the way that they interact with each other. It is also solidly in the chick flick realm, but I have to admit that I was involved enough in the story by the end that I didn’t really care all that much. B

The Eyes of Tammy Faye (documentary): I always thought that Tammy Faye was some sort of hard-line religious nut until I saw her on The Surreal Life a few years back. On that show, you really got the feeling that Tammy Faye was actually a really sweet person. Although I suspect this documentary is a little documentary and a little PR, Tammy Faye comes through as a really sweet, genuine person. It’s definitely worth a watch. B

Inside Deep Throat (documentary): Everyone has heard of the movie Deep Throat, America’s first mainstream porno, but few of us who are under 50 really had any idea what a big deal it was. I had no idea that you could see it in a regular movie theater in your neighborhood. I can’t even imagine the local AMG theater even contemplating showing some porn in this day and age, but it was done in 1972. And there were arrests and court cases and a whole big hubub. My favorite part was when they interviewed this sweet, little, old lady outside a theater that was showing the original film. With a smile she said something like, “I know it’s a dirty picture, and I’ve got my ticket right here. If I want to see a dirty picture then it’s my right to do so. No one is going to tell me I can’t.” You have to love that kind of spunk. B

Mr & Mrs Smith (action) Two spies marry each other to provide themselves a nice, domestic cover for their spying activities. Unfortunately, neither know that the other is spy. This one was pretty cool. There is lots of action, spies, shooting, explosions, and marital disharmony. Thumbs up. B+

Mr. 3000 Bernie Mac is an a-hole baseball player that retires after he gets 3000 hits. Unfortunately, when the numbers are crunched to put him in the hall of fame a few years later, they find that he was actually a few hits short. Bernie then goes back to the majors to get the final hits, and instead finds out that there is no “I” in team. Heartwarming? No, this was fucking dumb. C+

Trekkies (documentary): I thought it would be funny to rent a documentary about about “Trekkies” or “Trekkers” or whatever the fuck people call nerds these days. Unfortunately, it was less funny “ha ha” and more funny “scary” I liked Star Trek and all, but these people make me nervous. If you think you are a nerd for liking Star Trek, this movie will prove to you that you are cooler than you ever thought possible. That is, unless, you make everyone at work call you “Commander.”. No, I’m not kidding. B+

Happy Endings (drama): Ok. This sounds weird, but it’s good. A girl and her step brother have sex. The the girl leaves and the brother doesn’t see her for 20 years. 20 years later, a guy shows up to blackmail the sister into helping him make a documentary about the sex industry to help him get into film school. In return, he’ll tell her and the brother where their child is. It’s a weird twist of stories that ends up being a character study on imperfect people. This is the first time that I’ve seen Lisa Kudrow and Tom Arnold in roles where my lack of laughter was an indicator of really good performances. A-

The Chumscrubber: The first 3/4 of the movie was so surreal that I was sure that I was being led down a confusing path only to have everything tie itself up with a grand twist. Instead, I was left hanging and not too happy with the whole thing. It was 3/4 of Donnie Darko, and 1/4 crappy after school special. D+

Lord of War (drama): Nick Cage picks himself up from his crappy job at his parents’ restaurant by slowly becoming the world’s largest arms dealer. I can’t say that I was unhappy during the movie, but it seemed like it was a long way to go for a moral. B-

Transporter 2 (action): The transporter is one of those illicit action heroes who knows kung fu, has a cool car, and lives his life by his own personal code. This is usually a winning combination, but this is the second time that in the Transporter series that they’ve failed to hit the mark. In the first one, they slowed down all the action with romance, and in this one, they just made the action so ridiculous that it crushed any possible hope of immersing oneself in the movie. At one point, a bomb was strapped to the bottom of the Transporter’s car. He notices it. He gets in the car, drives over a jump that flips the car upside down where a crane hook knocks the bomb off just before it explodes. If that wasn’t stupid enough, the car lands right side up and he keeps on going. Stupid? Yup. Worth a watch? Sure. The action is good when not stupid, and the female lead villain is comic book insane enough to make me forget how weird it was that her preferred fighting outfit was spike heels and underwear. C

Miss Congeniality II (comedy): “Pile of shit” would be an understatement. F

Laws of Attraction (chick flick): It was a thoroughly predictable story about the top 2 divorce lawyers in New York falling in love. I don’t remember throwing up, although I don’t remember thinking “What a great movie.” I suppose it was ok. B-

Taxi (comedy): Queen Latifa has a tricked out rocket cab that transforms into a regular cab in the push of a button. Remember that concept from the Transformers cartoons? The cab that becomes a rocket cab? No? That’s because it’s a fucking stupid idea. I didn’t think that Jimmy Fallon could be in a worse movie than Fever Pitch, but I was wrong. Waste of time. C-

Twisted (drama): Samuel L. Jackson is in this, but even if he started wailing on people or swinging a light sabre, it couldn’t help this film. Let’s say I wrote a story about Bill, Jim, & Larry. Say someone kills Larry and I spend 2 hours of your time confusing you about whether it was Bill or Jim. How irritated are you going to be when I blurt out that was Timmy? A good twist should have some hints leading up to it. D

Hero (kung fu). I don’t usually like period kung fu movies (I hated Crouching Tiger) where people fly through the air use magic . I’m a sucker for hero movies, which allowed me to get past people jumping 20 feet into the air and hanging there while fighting. I also find it difficult to argue against Jet Li’s style of action movie. A

The Weather Underground (documentary): Not an incredibly entertaining documentary, but I had no idea that there was a group in the 70’s called the Weathermen Underground who bombed location after location in the U.S. It was interesting to see the opinions of the people involved and how revolution lived on in some and regret in others. C+

Camp (??): This is another case of Netflix bullshitting me about what a story is about. Theater people might be into this. I preferred to do the dishes. I walked away, so this gets an automatic F. F

Fist of Legend (kung fu): Jet Li remade this classic Bruce Lee flick. The fighting is awesome, and although I think that they played with the speed of film a bit, you can see that Jet Li put a lot of time into trying to fight and act like Bruce Lee. B+

Drunken Master (kung fu): This is a typical Jackie Chan flick full of wire work and wall to wall fighting. The only thing that differentiates it from the crappy movies on Saturday mornings was that it featured a really strange fighting style called drunken boxing. That might be enough to amuse hard-core kung fu fans, but I think it’s probably beyond silly for most people. C

While doing a little holiday shopping this weekend, I accidentally discovered that BestBuy is running a promotion where you get a $10 gift card when you spend $75 on DVDs. With Harold & Kumar go to White Castle, Scarface, Training Day, Donnie Darko, Mean Girls, Shrek 2, Collateral, and that one where the dude goes, “MARY! MARY! Don’tcha know me?” all running $10 a pop, it shouldn’t be too hard to hit the $75 mark. Oddly, it seems to be in-store only and I have been unable to verify it anywhere online.

You can also get 48 Hours, Trading Places, & Beverly Hills Cop or all 3 Austin Powers movies bundled together for about $20 per set.

I don’t usually mention deals, but this one even beats DeepDiscountDVD, which usually has the some of the better prices around.

Check BestBuy’s 2 for 20 DVD list and $10 Stocking Stuffers for more.

When I started Netflix, I would send out a movie on Monday and get it back on Wednesday. Now, it’s gotten to the point where I’m mailing them out on Monday and getting them back on Friday.

I’m thinking about migrating to another service with a faster turnaround time, but I don’t know if other services are the same crap.

Does anyone have a bead on a service that actually gets you movies in a reasonable amount of time?

On an unrelated note, I spent a whole ‘nuther (it’s sad that this is solely a Massachusetts phrase) night on that stupid cowbell CD for my sister. At last count, I was over 4 CDs, which is getting a little out of hand. Even though #1GF! pointed out that this project will gain me no fame, notoriety, fortune, or upward mobility, I am actually spending more time arranging than I did finding the tracks. This has been going on for almost 2 months now, and I must be stopped. There is no track listing available because it spoils the surprise factor. All I can tell you is that it includes funk, rap, pop, soul, hip-hop, rock, and metal, and it’s had way too much time spent on it.

All you people that sent me CDs are probably getting one of these whether you like it or not. Others who are interested can drop me a mail or leave a note for me in a conspicuous place. Not on my bathroom mirror though, ok? That shit creeps me out.

Rundown (action): The Rock stars in an action flick. The Rock provides the action, and Sean William Scott (remember Stifler?) provides some comic relief. This is a 0 depth action flick, but it worked for what it was. B

Jet Lag (foreign): Two people meet in an airport and nothing really happens for 2 hours. And they’re French. This was one of those movies that makes me hate the people who rate Netflix movies. C

L4yerCake (action): This was one of those twisty turny crime dramas that kept me guessing right up until the end. And the main character had a real Charlton Heston 70’s action hero thing going on, which was pretty cool. B+

Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (sci-fi): When I was a teenager, I blazed through the whole Hitchhiker’s series and loved it. I can’t say that this movie was bad, but it really didn’t do anything for me at all. I think I was actually bored enough by the end to actually question whether I would like the books if I re-read them today. C

Fever Pitch (comedy): This was a comedy about the number one red sox fan falling in love. I laughed a lot in the beginning and then lost enough interest to opt to do the dishes rather than watch. C

Motorcycle diaries (drama) This was the story of Che before he conquered Cuba. I’m sure Che kicked some ass in his day, but why was his movie so long and boring? Fuck, I wanted to leave this movie with something other than a numb ass. C-

The Pacifier (comedy): Vin Diesel is a Navy Seal that becomes the babysitter! Oh the hilarity! What an off the wall, slapstick thought! FUCK THIS MOVIE. Not even the blooper reel was funny. How is this possible?? F-

Six-String Samurai: Remember that shitty, shitty movie where Ralph Macchio is some sort of blues player and has to have a guitar duel with the devil to save his soul? No? If not, you’re lucky. That movie sucked half as much as this one. Take the budget out of that movie and set it in the future without the acting genius of Ralph Macchio. Fuck this move three quarters as much as the Pacifier. F

Longest Yard (1974) (drama) Burt Reynolds is an ex-football star who goes to jail. He has to coach a game between the guards and the cons or he’s going to do hard time. It was very 70’s movie slow, but it was ok. C

Longest Yard (2005) (comedy) This was a little funnier than the original thanks to the addition of Adam Sandler and Chris Tucker, but it wasn’t a phenomenal movie. It was fairly funny and watchable, though. B

Batman Begins (drama) Let me preface by saying that all the batman movies could be lost to a fire, and I don’t think that the world would be any worse off. After seeing some of the crappy Batman movies that were put out over the years, I didn’t expect much from this movie. I have to say that I ended up enjoying it, though. I thought that it was pretty cool the way they explored the more human and less super hero nature of Batman. B

Sin City I never really read comic books, so I don’t really have any background on this movie to cloud my judgement. It was based on a comic book, and you could really tell. The acting was very comic book in nature, which is almost like watching a 1940’s detective film. The film itself was in black & white with color highlighting and almost seemed like a film version of a comic. And some scenes that were insanely violent. I can’t say that I expected much because so many people have panned this one, but I thought it was pretty cool in a Kill Bill sort of way. B

Lost in Translation (drama): If you like don’t like character movies, you can skip this one. If you do, this one is very subtle. Bill Murray stars in this story of two lonely people who spend a couple of unlikely days together in modern Japan. A

Swimming with Sharks (drama): Kevin Spacey plays the biggest prick boss ever, and his new employee decides to tie him up and take him to task. It was a fun ride watching Spacey as a mean boss, but the ending didn’t make a lick of sense to me. B

WonderFalls (TV): This is a well-written series that aired only 2 episodes on TV due to a bad time slot. It’s about a gen x girl who works in a souvenir shop in Niagara Falls. She’s disaffected, sarcastic, and inanimate objects talk to her. You never know if she’s insane or if some power is making the things talk, but it’s a fun ride. B+

Dead Like Me (TV): This 18 year old chick gets killed by a toilet seat that fell off a space station and becomes a grim reaper. It sounded like a great concept, but I couldn’t really get past 3 episodes. I felt like I was getting tricked into watching Touched by an Angel or something. C

Shark Tale (kiddie): Will Smith is in this stupid Disney cartoon about a shark that doesn’t want to be a shark. I can’t really complain about it though. It left me feeling good. B+

I, Robot (sci-fi): I always hoped that the Fresh Prince of Bel Air would star in a film adaptation of an Asimov book. And now here it is. It was done pretty well, and the action sequences were pretty good, but it really seemed to be a CGI fest for grown up nerds who read the book when they were kids and didn’t think it was really good enough to read again. B

Transporter (action): This had enough kick-ass kung-fu action to keep me watching and a fair amount of really lame boy meets girl crap to slow it to a crawl. I think the lamest (yet best part) of the movie was when this chick shoots her father and says with tears in her eyes, “He was a bastard, but he was my father.” [Groan] B-

Crash (drama): I can’t say that there’s really a cohesive plot to this movie, but takes on race relations in the uncomfortable way that “Do The Right Thing (That’s it? That’s it.) did. Unlike “Do the Right Thing” there were so many twists and turns that I found it nearly impossible to guess what was going to happen next. Despite it’s complete lack of Radio Rahim “Love/Hate” rings, I was really impressed with this movie. (Note for my co-workers: According to the credits and for the people at work, Ludacris’s real name is Chris Bridges.) A

Monsieur Ibrahim (drama): My Mom strongly recommended this one, but I still have absolutely no idea why. I spent a couple of hours reading French and wondering when the fuck something interesting was going to happen. Not even the abundance of hookers in this movie could lift its rating. D-

In Good Company (comedy): This was one of those feel good movies where the young corporate prick learns a lesson from the older guy at the company. It was predictable, but it wasn’t bad. I can’t say that it was really good, either. I found myself absent-mindedly tapping a pen on the table after an hour or so. Dennis Quaid is in this one for god’s sake. C

Danny Deckchair (romantic comedy): This was the story about a guy who has a bitch of a GF who cancels his vacation plans. He decides to tie helium balloons to a lawn chair and accidentally floats across Australia to find a new life. It was kind of a love story, but I’ll admit to liking it. A DINGO STOLE MY BABY! Sorry. It slipped. B+

I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead (drama?): Again, a big F.U. to whoever writes the Netflix Descriptions. This movie looked like one of those kick ass, mean guy pushed over the edge revenge movies. What it ended up being was a story about a guy whose hunts down his brother’s rapist. Yea. F.U. Big Time. This was a long, long way to go for nothing. D

13 Going on 30 (romantic comedy): When I took this one out of the envelope, I actually said “What the fuck is this?” and accused #1GF! of sneaking it into the queue. After making her sit through “I’ll sleep When I’m Dead” there was no way that I was getting out of this obvious chick flick. It’s essentially “Big” with that chick from Alias playing the Tom Hanks role. It’s a romantic comedy in a Disney sort if way, but it was funny, the story was good, and the acting was dead on. I don’t want to, but A-

Man of the House (comedy): The movie had the depth of a bowl of broth and was just as exciting. Tommy Lee Jones plays a Texas Ranger that has to protect some cheerleaders. Cedric the Entertainer plays a preacher. The villain is seen sneering at the begining, sneering for 2 seconds at the end, and otherwise had no role. I feel like I watched a rough draft of a movie that was due at the end of the semester. C.

Taking Lives (thriller): The plot of “We have a serial killer and we need to call in the quirky FBI agent to help us solve it” is a little overdone, and this one is no exception. If you haven’t figured out who the bad guy is about halfway through, you are welcome to blame the extended Angelina Jolie sex scene. I will never side against boobies, but the scene was so long that it was obvious that the director was trying to subsidize the plot. C+

Dark Days (documentary): This was an independent documentary about the homeless living in the subway tunnels under NYC. The guy who made the film had never made a film before, and entered the process simply to make a film and use the proceeds to help the subjects of the film get enough money to move out of the tunnels. Even though he did everything himself and had a film crew that was made up of homeless people who lived in the tunnels, he eventually went broke and ironically had to move in with some of the homeless before finishing the film. I actually tried to watch this one twice in a row. AND DJ Shadow does the soundtrack. Ms. Peaches eats martians. Big fat A.

Don’t ask me how I found it, but it is more than useful given Netflix’s lying rating system: The Movie Review Query Engine. Why base your movie choices on a single review, when you can see the reviews from multiple sources at once? This week all the movies below are linked to MRQE instead of the normal IMDB links.

The Recruit (thriller): It has all the right ingredients to be a good spy movie: The CIA, the techie geek genius, the skinny, fat-lipped love interest, some kung-fu, and some gun fighting. But just because you have flour, sugar, milk, and some eggs, does not mean you’ll have a cake by the end. Sometimes you end up with crappy tasting play-doh. I think this made the Bourne Identity seem like a masterpiece. C

American Splendor (comedy/biography): The story of Harvey Pekar, a comic writer. If you are into character movies, this one is great. The story isn’t really that great, but it was really nicely done, and the characters were phenomenal. After I sealed it in the return envelope, I wanted to watch it again. A

Lift (drama): This was a movie about a woman who was a thief, and it was supposed to be about some sort of caper gone wrong. Instead, it ended up being a story about a girl and her mother. Most of the time I felt like I was watching an after school special on the pitfalls of stealing. Hey, Netflix! Your plot summaries suck major ass. Don’t trick me into renting this crap. D

*MRQE Edition

Yea, that’s right. I did it. I ended my month long banning (details of the ban) from Netflix. #1GF is doing no better at picking movies than I am, and if I watch another fucking episode of Sex in the City with SJP whining about shoes and trying to look cute, I’m going to simply find a way to stuff feces into the DVD player.

My life without me (drama). A 23 year old woman living in a trailer with her husband and 2 kids finds out that she has cancer and has 2 months to live. Instead of telling anyone, she simply makes a list of things that she wants to do before she dies and does them. It was definitely slow, the acting wasn’t top notch, and the Canadian accents made me want to smack something (ay?), but it was a low budget indy film, and I give them a little more of a break. I mean, if an indy film could afford better actors and camera people, I’m sure that they would get them. It had some good ideas and some great shots, but I kept seeing it as a framework for a bigger budget movie. C+

The Aviator (drama) This was the story of Howard Hughes and his career as an aviator. The acting was pretty good, but the number of stars making cameos got annoying after a while. The money spent on stars could’ve been better spent on rewriting the story that really didn’t seem to go anywhere, and did so for a very, very long time. This was ordered pre-Netflix ban and probably accounted for at least 2 Sex in the City discs being added to the queue. C

Sneakers (intrigue): This was a 1992 spy movie about the theft of an decryption machine that everyone wanted to get their hands on. It moved along pretty well, but I found that I was distracted by the “all white apartment, short haircuts on girls” style that was the late 80s. Oh, and being reminded of the computer technology that was used in 1992 was interesting to see. I had forgotten that we used to use modems that you had to put a handset on. Bwwweeeeeeeeee waaaaaaaaahhhh kkkssscccccchhhhhhhhhhhh eaaaaaww meeeaaaawww. kkkkkksssst. I mean solid B+

Are We There, Yet? (comedy) Outside of UPN, I don’t think that I’ve seen worse writing, a more trite plot, or more poorly executed site gags than this. What I really mean to say is: You cannot begin to understand what a load of crap this was. I think you could make a musical out of some of the posts from this blog and end up with a better movie. Even if you took random posts… Translated into Chinese. With those weird Chinese guitars that go going boing boing bing bwing bwahng… Yes, it was that bad. And I like Ice Cube. D

Dirty, Filthy Love (indy): I thought The Secretary (review) was the weirdest love story that I have ever seen on film, but this one ranks a close second. Not only does the main character of this movie have OCD, but he has Tourette’s syndrome. And he’s lost his job. And his wife has left him. I’m not honestly sure if I can recommend it. On the one hand, I was ready to shut it off during the first 20 minutes out of sheer boredom. On the other hand, the acting was great, the subject was uncomfortable, and and it turned into an interesting and relatively compelling story. If you’re not squeamish and are OK with character pieces, it may be worth a go. B-

Guess Who? (comedy): Ashton Kutcher plays a guy who has just gotten engaged and has to spend the weekend at his fiancé’s parents’ house. Bernie Mac plays the father who is none too happy that his daughter is marrying a honky. It just goes down hill from there with jokes that are staler than Archie Bunker’s 30 year old cigar. C-

Fireworks (drama): A Japanese ex-cop with a bad attitude wears sunglasses and walks around looking tough. He shoots some people and punches others for no real reason other than he’s not happy about his wife dying. The punches somehow make people spit a pint of blood each, but even that can’t save the movie. I actually played solitaire hoping that something would happen, but nothing did. F.

Tuesdays With Morrie (drama): Morrie is an old professor who’s dying. An ex-student comes to visit on Tuesdays to learn life’s lessons. The lesson is this: If you aren’t a touchy feely hugger, then you’re afraid of something. If you don’t wear your heart on your sleeve, you need to learn to or you’ll be miserably alone. When you accept your role as a fancy panzy nancy boy, you will be happy. I had to get up and get the fuck away from this movie. You know why? Because men acting like touchy feely panzies doesn’t make me afraid, it makes me angry. I want to punch things. You want to cry at a funeral? It’s ok, just at least try to hold it back. You want to hug your friends? Fine, just do the little pat thing, not the rub thing. You want to sit around talking about feelings and needlepoint? You may want to trade in your cock for something that suits you…then join Metallica. That’s right, Metallica, I’m talking to you, you pussies. F

The Luzhin Defence (drama): A chess champion who makes me look like a social butterfly meets a supposedly hot chick to marry. Unfortunately, she’s not hot, and the movie goes in 50 directions trying to sell me a brand of crazy that I wasn’t interested in. It does this in a torturously slow manner. And they set it in the 1940’s, which I personally don’t like, but can’t fault it for. What I can fault it for is 1/2 the people having shit English accents no matter what country they were from, and the complete lack of tommy guns and mugsy talkin’. This movie was the final straw that got me banned by the #1GF! from adding things to the Netflix queue. BANNED. Do you have any idea how many Julia Roberts movies I’m going to be watching? Do you? Oh this gets the big, fat F BIG TIME! F

Hitch (comedy): Ok. Kevin James is fat and nerdy and wants to score with this hot heiress, so he hires Will Smith to teach him all the right moves. It was a a romance, but because there’s nothing funnier than a fat guy dancing, I can say that this movie worked. It’s light and funny, and I laughed a bunch of times. B+

*Banned Edition

Scratch (documentary): This was a free on-demand movie on Comcast on the history of the DJ. It traced the roots of scratching records from Grand Mixer DXT (the DJ on Herbie Hancock’s Rockit) through modern turntablists like Q-Bert and DJ Shadow. It’s an essential watch for HipHop fans, Vinyl junkies, and DJ’s, but other people should be able to enjoy some of the amazing things that these people have done with two turntables and a microphone. shiwishiwi one fresssshhhhh B+

L.I.E (drama): Netflix said this:

A biting and disturbing coming-of-age story. Life is bittersweet along the L.I.E. — also known as the Long Island Expressway — as suburban teenager Howie Blitzer (Paul Franklin Dano) learns all too clearly. In the space of a week, Howie loses nearly everything and everyone he knows and is left to navigate his adolescence virtually unsupervised. Brian Cox co-stars as an older man who befriends the troubled youth.

I was expecting that someone was going to get shot or something dark was going to drag all the characters into some sort of hellish nightmare. What I got was 2 hours of irritation and a personal nightmare that led to the eventual abandoning of the film. A more accurate title for this movie would’ve been N.M.B.L.M. — also known as the National Man Boy Love Movie. I preferred washing dishes to watching this. F

National Treasure (thriller): I don’t consider this a bad movie, but it was sort of a bad version of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. It had all the elements of a thriller, but every solution was so far fetched that the only way that they could be explained was by stating, “I’m the smartest and luckiest super-genius in the world.” That type of thing can get old pretty fast when the supposed super genius has the face of Nicholas Cage. B-

Sex in the City Season 3 (TV series): The #1GF! likes this series a lot. I will admit that I liked the 1st season of this show, where I saw the extremely flawed characters as cute and funny, but by the third season, it’s wearing thin. The characters have lost their shine and are annoying and petty enough to make me want to barf. 1/2 the time I was ready to get up, and the other 1/2 I did. I don’t think I have a very high tolerance for the women depicted in this series, and the ability to be able to walk out of the room without offending anyone is a god send.

Six feet Under Season 3 (TV series): Even though this show is not very shy about hiding hot gay action, it has the good writing and production that have been the trademark of HBO series in the last few years. B+

Before Sunrise (foreign drama): A man and a woman meet on a train and only have 12 hours together in Vienna before they each have to leave for their respective destinations. There were some cool parts in this one, but I can’t say that it was great. If it was free on cable I might watch it again, but I can’t say that I would recommend it as a rental. C+

Sports Night (TV series): Being that this was a TV series about a sports news show and I had never heard of it, there was no reason for me to watch it, but the fast pace and the witty dialogue made me wish that there were more than 2 seasons. A

Girlfight (drama): It’s a low budget story about a troubled girl who gets into boxing. The acting was pretty goo