If you’ve been watching the news lately, the economy might look pretty shaky right now. The stock market is dropping, businesses are looking for government handouts, and the President is preaching doom and gloom for us all. It’s as if a buyer’s market has become a bad thing because golden parachutes for those at the top suddenly aren’t large enough to blot out the sun from the average man on the street.

No one can predict the future, but if I’ve learned one thing in my life, it’s that the future is rarely as ominous as people make it out to be. Here are 5 types of people that I’d really offer a free, hot cup of STFU to when it comes to listening to their views on what the economy is and isn’t.

1. People Who Freak Out Every Time The Stock Market Drops

If you’re a current retiree who has to sell shares from your retirement fund to make ends meet, you are allowed to freak out a little because the value of your retirement fund can have a direct effect on your lifestyle. Most people who I hear moaning and groaning the loudest about their funds dropping in value aren’t retirees, though. They’re generally people who are still buying into their retirement funds.

Why is it that people look at low prices as being a good thing everywhere that they shop except the stock market? How does that make sense? If you’re buying into your retirement fund, low prices are actually a good thing. Rule number one of how to make money in finance isn’t “buy high, sell higher”. It’s “buy low, sell high”. When stock prices are down, you should be giddily buying, not bitching that you can’t buy at a higher price. A low price means you can buy more shares and have a potentially higher profit margin when you sell those shares after you retire.

So, if you’re not currently retired, do us all a favor and stop sighing and complaining about how much you’ve “lost” in the stock market. The fact is, you haven’t lost anything until you sell at a lower price than you bought at. If you aren’t selling, then you aren’t losing. Got it? Now, get out there and start buying because there is a fire sale going on right now, and supplying a steady stream of coke and hookers to that retirement home in your golden years is not going to be cheap.

With gas prices going through the roof, and no relief in the foreseeable future, a lot of people are looking for ways to save a little money at the pump. It seems to be common knowledge that the one of the better ways to save money on gas is to switch from a standard gas engine to a hybrid, but will a hybrid really save you money, or will you merely be paying for an expensive seat on the green bandwagon?

We do mostly city driving in my household, and I had heard that people who drive mostly stop and go city miles reap the most benefits from a hybrid. I headed over to Edmunds.com to investigate just how much green I’d be saving by going green. I was going to be like those people on TV who fill up so infrequently that they can’t remember where their gas tanks are. The oil companies were going to weep for me…

One of my favorite things to do is relax while watching a good movie. If you like movies, you know exactly what I mean. Unfortunately, a movie addiction can get expensive. You can go broke going to the theater, and short of begging and borrowing from friends, the most cost effective way to support a movie habit is through rentals.

Before 2005, I would drive to the local Blockbuster or Hollywood Video and wander the isles looking for something to rent. I’d then pay the clerk the $5 a pop for something I was only partially interested in, only to end up running back to the video store at some odd hour because my five day rental turned out to be only a two day rental. All told, I spent more time getting the movies than watching them, and sometimes I’d pay more money than if I actually bought them outright.

Making Life Easier

In 2005, I signed up for Netflix’s $17.99 plan (In July of 2007, this price was reduced to the current price of $16.99), which allowed me to have three movies at home at a time . When I was done with each movie, I would pop them into a postage paid envelope, drop them in the mailbox, and another movie would be mailed out to me. In a short time, Netflix changed the way I watched movies the same way that the digital video recorder changed the way I watched TV.

I no longer had to wander around the store looking for something I hadn’t seen, and #1GF! no longer had to waste her time waiting around for me to pick something. Because I was making my choices from my PC, I had access to reviews and movie information to help me make better and faster choices than I ever could standing in front of a wire rack full of obscure “staff recommendations” (#1GF! might argue whether or not I actually made better choices, but we both know that potential is important.).

Do you ever go to the grocery store for an item and find yourself staring at the shelf wondering which size is the best deal? Your options are to either do various multiplication and division problems, or forgo the math and assume that the largest package is the best deal.

These days, the largest package isn’t always the best deal, and doing math problems over pennies is a waste of your time. There is a much faster and easier way to figure out the best deal with no math required, and it’s right under your nose.

Father’s Day is this weekend folks, and if you haven’t picked up something for Dad yet, it’s time to get on the stick. Dad might say that he likes the ties, shoes, and crap that you make out of macaroni, but he doesn’t. He just pretends he does because he doesn’t want you throwing him into a third rate nursing home in a few years. Because it’s iffy on whether you can get online retailers to deliver by Sunday, here’s a quick list of suggestions that you should be able to pick up just in time.

If Dad’s a gamer, swing down and grab him Battlefield 2142 for $20 at Circuit City. He never has to know it was $20. Then, grab yourself a copy, get online and pwn his elderly ass. If Dad doesn’t know what pwn even means, you should probably skip this idea and move to the next one.

If Dad has a Sony phone or camera that takes a pro duo memory card, the Sandisk 4Gb pro duo memory card is on sale for $50 at Circuit City. I picked one up for my phone, and you won’t find a better deal in a brick and mortar right now. Then, Dad will be able to show people what you look like without having to direct them to those awesomely horrific pictures on your MySpace page.

You’re dad is a big, fat nerd? Hey, that’s ok. Without nerds, we wouldn’t have rockets or rocket scientists. Just print off this Borders 20% off coupon and grab him a big fat nerd book. You can get better deals on Amazon, but if you’re reading this, you’re not really a planner and you don’t have time to wait for shipping. Keep this link handy, because the site seems to regenerate a new coupon every time the current one expires.

Speaking of coupons, if Dad’s a BestBuy type of guy, print off these BestBuy 10% coupons. The selection on what you can buy is limited, but there’s definitely a music coupon in there for your long-haired hippy dad, or your long-haired metal dad.

If Dad’s a geek or geek-in-training, why not load up a flash drive with a bunch of applications, pictures, and games for him? A 2 Gb can be had for about $20 (4Gb for $40) at Bestbuy or Circuit City. Then you just need to load it up. You can throw on the Portable apps Suite, or you can browse Wikipedia’s massive list of portable apps and their equally massive list of portable games. Just getting him a flash drive is not going to be impressive. Giving him the drive with some tools he can use just might be.

While I’m not a fan of giving gifts that later require an ongoing payment, I got my parents a Netflix Gift Subscription one year and it was a huge hit. Netflix changes the way you rent movies. Is it too complicated for Dad? Absolutely not. Will he be able to blame Netflix for replacing all your mother’s romantic comedy rentals with action movies? Oh, yes he will. Will he thank you for this? Oh, you bet. A three month gift subscription will run you a little over $50.

In the same vein, what about getting him a Comcast DVR? I built my own DVR years before the Comcast DVR was available, and I can tell you that people who have DVRs watch TV differently than those who don’t. I gave this to my parents one year and it completely changed the way they watch TV. It’s a tricky gift because the local Comcast office won’t give you a box on someone else’s account. If Dad has a cable box now, you can give him multiples of $14 to cover the cost of upgrading to a dual tuner, High Def/DVR box for a specified period. Figure six months will run you about $85.

And if all else fails, I don’t think there’s a Dad out there who can’t use the ol’ Home Depot Gift Card. At least he’ll be able to buy new locks so your key won’t work when you show up to drag him off to the nursing home. It might not stop you, but he will certainly be smiling when it slows you down a little. And what is your dad’s happiness worth?

Any other ideas? Share the wealth in the comments.

The mall is a big, fat pain in the ass, and thank goodness for the internet. If you’re a late shopper like me, you will not be able to benefit from free Amazon shipping anymore. You can still use the net to your advantage, though. Amazon.com now sponsers Borders books, Toys R’ Us and even clothes, now. At worst, it’s a one stop idea shop. At best: No stores, no fighting for parking, no idiot clerks, no giving radioshack your life history just to buy batteries.

There are also many places to look for good prices on things. salescircular.com has all of the weekly newspaper circulars jammed into one website, allowing you to easily compare prices without even cracking the paper. Pricegrabber.com will get you the best prices on tons of items, and can calculate in the shipping costs to show you you the true best deal. Froogle was recently introduced by Google labs, and seems to work ok, too. And don’t forget that most retailers (walmart, kmart, bestbuy, staples, etc.) have online stores that allow you to check their inventory. Don’t fight those low tech weiners. Arm yourself with technology, make your list, and either have it shipped, or go get it for pickup. I didn’t include all the good geeky places to shop, because most geeks know where they are already, and non-geeks don’t care. Just in case I am wrong, you could look at thinkgeek.com to get you started…

If anyone out there is thinking of getting me something, I would rather that you donate the money to either the National Kidney Foundation or to the ACLU. I would appreciate it much more than any pornos, as when my kideneys fail, I don’t want the Nazi StormTroopers hassling me while I wait for them to grow a new one. Seriously. Life, and Liberty: now that’s a cool gift.

Then, if anyone wants to send me to the AVN awards for that whole pusuit of happiness thing …

Elimminate the stress. Gifts on the doorstep, Click click click.