It marks the first appearance of Boba Fett, if that’s enough to get you to watch all two craptastic hours.

Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Anthony Daniels, Peter Mayhew, Art Carney, Diahann Carroll, Harvey Korman, and Beatrice Arthur, and Chewbacca’s father, Itchy star.

The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

Happy Life Day, pal.

Enjoy.

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I explained to #1GF! that the internets take priority over packing, but she had this strange look in her eye and I think I caught a glimpse of her choking hands. I did not think it prudent to requisition a lackey to pack things for me at that juncture, so the posts are going to slow to a trickle for a little bit.

If anyone wants to spend this Saturday wrenching their backs moving people who are past the age where they should be asking friends to help them move, call me or #1GF!. For the rest of you, check out a few of the 1500+ posts in the archives and wish us luck…

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I’ve been avoiding pants and sweatshirts for a couple of weeks now, pretending that the cold isn’t eating away the last few bits of summer, but when the front loaders come in and steal your lifeguard chairs, you know the summer season is coming to an end. You’ve only got one day left before the summer will officially be over, so make the most of it.

And no, this is not a license to “bust out the banana hammock one last time”. Yes, I am talking to you.

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I planted the Toothbrush in the list so that it changed when the mouse passed over it, and waited for #1GF! to find it. Like a lot of people, she never did.

Once I pointed out the mouseover to her, she suggested that it needed its own post in case other people missed it, too. Even though it’s a pretty lame to point out your own easter eggs, I figured that revealing this picture should keep me out of corporate offices everywhere and let me stay home and write forever.

The Chaplin Mustache Wiggle

Hold your mouse over the image.

Did you miss it, too?

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Need Proof of Awesomeness?

This was me as a kid. If I had any idea what kind of ass kicking comes with plaid shirts, thick glasses, and lunch bags with my name on them, I might’ve posted a Mustachr-ized picture on my Myspace page that looked so ultra-badass that it would’ve deterred a lot of scraps in the school yard.

Oh yea. When I was a kid, there was no Myspace. Hell, Prodigy wasn’t even though of yet. GI Joe had a beard and pong was blowing everybody’s minds with the sheer awesomeness of two lines and a bouncing square. We had no internet, and no Mustachr. If I did though, you can bet that I would have added a few pics like these:

Mustachr-ized: The Kid With No Name

Mustachr-ized: Royale With Cheese

Mustachr-ized: Dyer Mei

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It seems like Netflix is continuing on their quest to add TV shows that I haven’t thought about since I was a kid. Yet another season of Adam 12, The Incredible Hulk, and Quantum Leap were added, which I might be able to understand because they’re mildly entertaining. I might even be able to understand that adding a couple of seasons of Leave it to Beaver might be justifiable in a hokey sort of way.

Where they lost my support is when they added two more seasons of Gimme A Break, six seasons of Simon & Simon, and five seasons of Kojak. I don’t care how many times I’ll listen to Telly Savalas singing “Who Loves You Baby, I’m not sitting through him or Nell Carter in 60 minute doses. Are there really people out there who are demanding these shows enough to justify wasting the disc space on them? Seriously?

Not to worry, though. They completely redeemed themselves with their decision to add that craptastic vintage television show, Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp. How can you argue with the comedic value of a spy show acted out by an all-monkey cast? I can’t watch the show for five minutes without laughing. Try it. If you don’t laugh, you may need to call a doctor. I’m serious.

As always, if I missed one of your favorites, be sure to drop it in the comments…

Recommended Netflix Watch Instantly New Additions (12)

Netflix Watch Instantly Additions Since April 30 (288)

2007 NCAA Men’s Ice Hockey Championship
The ABC of Nails
Adam-12: Season 6
The Adventures of Juan Quin Quin
Alaska’s Inside Passage
Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
The Amateurs
Angel Romero: Virtuoso
Art Blakey & Messengers: Village Vanguard
Arturo Sandoval: Jazz Legends
Back to Stax: Memphis Soul
Bala Perdida
Barn Red
Barre Phillips: Live in Vienna
Batman: The Movie
Battle of the X-Planes: Nova
Beautiful Daughters
Betaville
Betrayal at Little Big Horn
Biography: Adam and Eve

Blade Runner: The Director’s Cut
Blonde and Blonder
The Boondock Saints
The Boys of Sunset Ridge
Branson!
Breezy
Brian Torff & Manfredo Fest
Bright Eyes
Broke
Burglar
Buzby the Misbehaving Bee
Caballo Prieto Azabache
Cadillac Ranch
Caillou: Caillou the Creative
Caillou: Caillou’s Playschool Adventures
The Camden 28
Camelot
Captain January
Careful, He Might Hear You
Carrier

Carrington
Cartoons Time Forgot: Ubiwerks: Vol. 1
Cartoons Time Forgot: Ubiwerks: Vol. 2
A Century of Science Fiction
Chaka Khan Live
Classic Rhythm & Blues: Vol. 4
Classic Rhythm & Blues: Vol. 5
Classic Rhythm & Blues: Vol. 6
Columbine: Understanding Why
Coma Girl: The State of Grace
Come Aboard: Queen Mary 2 to Rio
Comedy Jump Off: The Latino Explosion
Coming Out Stories
Commandments
Commune
Cool Summer
Cottolengo
Coyotes
Crane Song
Crossing Paths

Cruise Alaska
Cruise Grand Mediterranean
Cruise New England and Canada
Cruise Northern Europe
Cruise Scenic South America
Cruise Western Europe
Curl Girls
Curly Top
Cutting Room
Dangerous Curves
Danny Williams and the Warhol Factory
Day of the Dead
Day Zero
The Dead Pool
Defending Your Life
Dilemma
Dimples
Drew Hastings: Irked & Miffed
Duffy’s Irish Circus
Egyptian Belly Dancing for Beginners

Elizabeth Cady Stanton & Susan B. Anthony
Elkie Brooks: Live
Eraserhead
The Ernie Watts Quartet Live
Faces of Children
Falling
Female Trouble
Festival Shorts Collection
First Comes Love
Flight from Ashiya
Flo: The Lyin’ Fly
Frank Lloyd Wright
The Frank Sinatra Show w/ Ella Fitzgerald
Frozen Impact
Full Moon
Gabino Barrera
Gender Rebel
The General
Geno Washington: What’s in the Pot
Ghetto Celebrities

The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini
Gidyup! On the Rodeo Circuit
Gimme a Break!: Season 5
Gimme a Break!: Season 6
Glorious Triumphs and Great Tragedies
Grease 2
The Great Robot Race: Nova
Greg & Gentillon
Helena: First Pilgrim to the Holy Land
Hermie & Friends: Stanley Goes to Camp
Hip Hop Colony
Hopla: Hello, Hopla!
Horatio’s Drive: America’s First Road Trip
The Hot Rock
How to Lose Your Lover
The Hunt
I’m Not Gay, But Don’t Stop
Imaginary Witness
Imagination
Immortal Sergeant

In Search of History: The Knights Templar
The Incredible Hulk: Season 5
The Incredible Melting Man
Iwo Jima: 50 Years of Memories
Jacob & Joshua: Nemesis Rising
Jazz
Jazz Legends Live! 10
Jazz Legends Live! 11
Jazz Legends Live! 12
Jazz Legends Live! 14
Jazz Legends Live! 2
Jazz Legends Live! 3
Jazz Legends Live! 4
Jazz Legends Live! 6
Jazz Legends Live! 7
Jazz Legends Live! 9
Jazz Legends: Chuck Mangione
Jean-Michel Cousteau: Return to the Amazon
Jesse James
Joe and Joe

Joe Cocker: Live
Joe Posada: Una Noche con Joe Posada
Journey from the Heart
Judges
Jupiter Moon: The Ghost in the Machine
Kayla: A Cry in the Wilderness
Ken Burns’ America: Brooklyn Bridge
Ken Burns’ America: Empire of the Air
Ken Burns’ America: Huey Long
Ken Burns’ America: The Statue of Liberty
Ken Burns’ America: Thomas Hart Benton
Killer Flood: The Day the Dam Broke
The King of Iron Town
Kingdom Comedy
Knocked the “F” Out
Kojak: Season 1
Kojak: Season 2
Kojak: Season 3
Kojak: Season 4
Kojak: Season 5

Kristin Korb: Live in Vienna
Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp
Leave It to Beaver: Season 1
Leave It to Beaver: Season 2
Left Lane: Folk Poet Alix Olson
Lifeforce
Lightning Bolts of Destruction
Little Murders
Live at the Rock ‘n’ Roll Palace: Vol. 1
Live at the Rock ‘n’ Roll Palace: Vol. 2
Live from the Rock ‘n’ Roll Palace: Vol. 3
Liz Story: Solid Colours
The Long, Hot Summer
Lost Horizon
Lost Treasures of Tibet
Love Thy Neighbor
Lynch / Lynch 2
Made in Spain
Magic Rock
The Man’s Survival Guide to Pregnancy

Mark Twain
Matchstick Men
Mauvaise Graine
Meeting of the Spirits
Megadeth: That One Night: Buenos Aires
Metro Chase
Mighty Machines: Boats to the Rescue
Mighty Machines: Diggers & Dozers
Mighty Machines: Lights & Ladders
Mighty Machines: Roadways to Runways
Miroslav Vitous: Live in Vienna
Modern Marvels: Eiffel Tower
The Music Man
Mutual Appreciation
National Lampoon Live: New Faces: Vol. 2
National Lampoon’s Adam and Eve
National Parks of the West
New York Horror Film Festival
Off Screen
Only Human

Open Bar
Out of Balance
Painkiller Jane: Season 1
Palms and Passion
Passenger 57
Peacemaker
Pilates Essentials
Pin
Plan 9 from Outer Space
The Platters & the Coasters
Point of Order
Puerto Vallarta Squeeze
Quantum Leap: Season 5
R&B Classics
R&B Jukebox: 20 Classic Hits
Rat
Reader’s Digest: Glacier National Park
Red Without Blue
Renegades
Revolution OS

The Ride: 7 Days to End AIDS
Rock ‘n’ Roll Jukebox
Rockaway
Role of a Lifetime
Rumbo a Brasilia
Sacagawea
Search and Destroy / The Glove
The Second Line
Seducing Doctor Lewis
Shadow of China
Shelf Life
Shooting Creek
The Short Films of David Lynch
Simon & Simon: Season 2
Simon & Simon: Season 3
Simon & Simon: Season 4
Simon & Simon: Season 5
Simon & Simon: Season 6
Simon & Simon: Season 7
Sky: Live in Concert

Small Miracles
Somersault
Southern Heart
Spaceman
Spider Lilies
Steve Byrne: Happy Hour
Story of the Year: Our Time Is Now
Surgeon
Talk Radio
Tan Lines
Territory
Terror House
Theater of Blood / Madhouse
This Holy Night
Thomas Jefferson
A Time to Kill
Todd Rundgren: Live in San Francisco
Tom Jones
Tre
Turk 182!

The Two Cubas
U.S. of Ant
Unforgivable Blackness
Unveiling Mysteries of the Bible
Van Beuren Studios Cartoons
Victory
The Vikings
The Visible Vote ‘08
Volcano
Von Ryan’s Express
The War Bride
The Way Things Go
We Were So Beloved
Welcome to Mars: Nova
What a Man Wants, What a Woman Needs
When Justice Fails
Where the Buffalo Roam
Wicked Stepmother
Wiggledance!: Live in Concert
The Wiggles: Wiggle Around the Clock
Willie Dixon: I Am the Blues
Windrunner
Winterhawk
Wisecrack
The Wiz Kid of Osbourne Street
Wright Brothers’ Flying Machine: Nova
Yes: 35th Anniversary Concert
Yo, el Mujeriego

Netflix Watch Instantly Deletions Since April 30 (63)

The Abductors
Already Dead
Bat 21
Brainscan
Broken Dolls / Helter Skelter
Comedy Jump Off: The Latino Connection
December
Diamond Dogs
Esther: The Bible
Everybody’s All American
Fat: What No One Is Telling You
Fawlty Towers: The Complete Set
The Flower of My Secret
Gabriel
Ginger
The Hollywood Knights
The Italian Job
Krush Groove
Liberty Heights
MARS Dead or Alive: Nova
Mixed Nuts
Monroe: Class of ‘76
Mrs.Mrs. Winterbourne
Murder at 1600
My Life
My Stepmother is an Alien
NASCAR: The IMAX Experience
Nicholas’ Gift
Nothing But Trouble
Nowhere to Run
Other Voices, Other Rooms
Outpost
Perfect
Phantom Ship
The Principal
Quantum Leap: Season 5
Quicksilver
Rabbit Hash
Red Dwarf: Series 1
Red Dwarf: Series 2
Red Dwarf: Series 3
Red Dwarf: Series 4
Red Dwarf: Series 5
Red Dwarf: Series 6
Red Dwarf: Series 7
Red Dwarf: Series 8
Rocket Gibraltar
The Salton Sea
Sense and Sensibility
The Silent Star
The Slugger’s Wife
So I Married an Axe Murderer
Strange Fruit
Stray Cats
Sunset
Surge of Power: The Stuff of Heroes
Suspect
Things Change
Time Bandits
Tin Cup
To Gillian on her 37th Birthday
White Water Summer
The Young, the Gay and the Restless

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If you could have a super power:

• Space / Time Control: 53%
• Mind Control: 19%
• Ability to fly: 15%
• Invisibility: 15%
• Self Healing: 10%
• Super strength: 3%

By a huge majority, the most popular super power is the abilty to reverse the flow of time. Mind control was the second choice, which is understandable, but I have a hard time believing that you all would be beaming “put down the gun” more often than “take off them pants”.

The ability to fly and invisibility tied for third place, meaning that never getting your junk jostled by the TSA again is on equal footing with an all-access pass to any locker room or bank vault in the world. Maybe I can understand that.

Where I think the results get a little odd is near the bottom. The combined total number of people who wanted self-healing and super strength didn’t match the next level up. Is no one interested in throwing cars or lifting trains with one hand any more? Has brute force fallen from grace as an admirable trait?

More importantly, is the ability to live a corrected, but perfect life through time control more attractive than accumulating and endless list of mistakes that would accompany the immortality of Self-healing?

How did you vote and why?

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Best Holiday Gift Ever

• 2 Girls, 1 Cup: 57%
• A Day With Mr. T: 16%
• An R2-D2 Trashcan: 11%
• Whirled Peas: 10%
• A RL friend [sniff]: 6%

The holidays are over and things are starting to return to normal because I am once again completely and utterly concerned for you people. A full 57% of you think that a couple of naked girls eating crap and throwing up on each other is the best holiday gift ever. You like it better than friends, you like it better than World peace, hell, you even like it more than an R2D2 Trash can. I don’t get it, but I suppose I can accept all that as a matter of personal preference.

What I cannot accept is that you want it more than spending a full day with Mr. T. Do you have any idea how awesome a day with Mr. T would be? Do you? As if having a beard-connected mohawk and saying “I pity the fool” all the time isn’t awesome enough, Mr. T always seems to have a blowtorch on hand, and can make a tank out of almost anything. How can you not think that is awesome?

Here is a velvet painting of Mr. T from my personal collection to make you pity yourselves for your choices. Yes, those are real simulated gold flecks glued around his neck.

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Hey What About Beards?

• Two Words: Chuck Norris: 46%
• Macho and sort of hot: 25%
• Ok for the winter: 13%
• I like my men like I like my pets: hairless and obedient: 15%

For once a poll has gone my way and I’m not the least bit worried about you people. 85% of you have some form of affinity for the beard and almost half of you agree that beards are totally kick ass. I’m going to take that as a win for the mountain men, and say that the modern woman is looking for a King Leonidas instead of some hairless pet that’s closer to a lady than a man.

Congratulations, folks. This. Is. SPARTAAAAA!

For those of you who didn’t get a chance to vote (or were voted down), at least you can enjoy some of the wonderful beard shaving creations on my beard page.

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Who won Finetune Friday Battle of the Sexes?

• Less talk, more lube : 62%
• Kang (the men): 16%
• Everybody wins: 14%
• Kodos (the women): 8%

You folks don’t really care about these polls, do you? You’re pretty close to thinking that men and women are equals, but if pressed, you think the dudes beat the ladies. In general, you don’t care either way as long as the lube is plentiful and the talk is not.

Congratulations, lubers. After I print up the “Party Naked” t-shirts in your honor, I will coat them in grease before shipping to ensure that they make it to your dungeon lubed up and ready to go.

For those of you who didn’t get a chance to vote, at least you can enjoy all the great playlists that survived the battle. Check my FineTune Friday Page for more info.

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Are you…

• Buuuuck Naked! : 39%
• A Geek: 25%
• A Nerd: 16%
• A Jock: 11%
• A Dork: 9%

I thought the naked people from the last poll were a fluke, but for the second time in a row, the nudists got the happy ending. I mean that they won the poll. Oh boy. They’re on top? They overcame? Gah. You know what I mean.

Congratulations, nudists. I’m considering printing up a batch of Dyers.org “Party Naked” t-shirts in your honor… Not that you’d wear them.

For rest of you claiming Geek, Nerd, Dork, or Jock status, maybe it’s time you either join the winning team or prove your title by taking the Dyers.org Geek, Nerd, Dork, or Jock Quiz. It even includes handy code to post your results to your web site.

Drop me a comment and tell me where you stood.

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She tries to contact me every year or so, so my question is this:

If Satan herself sent you a chummy happy birthday message, would you:
A.) Stock up on holy water and kevlar,
B.) Block her address on yet another account,
C.) Be classy and reply with a “Thank you for the wish, but please try to respect my privacy” e-mail,
D.) Speak your mind, but guarantee a flame war, or
E.) Delete the e-mail and feel badly that it never dawned on you that your ex could probably have competed in the Special Olympics if only you encouraged her more.

I just don’t get it.

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Four jobs you’ve had in your life:
Lifeguard
Mutual Fund Accountant
Propain pumper
UberNerd

Four movies you could watch over and over:
Amelie
Donnie Darko
Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back
Bad Boys II

Four places you’ve lived:
Inside a bottle,
On stage with the band,
In the middle of an underdog fist fight, and
Staring at molten lava 4 miles from safety,

Four TV shows you love to watch:
Arrested Development
Fear Factor
Family Guy
The Office

Four places you’ve been on vacation:
Sweden
Washington State
Amoeba Records, San Francisco
Hawaii

Four websites you visit (at least) daily:
LifeHacker
Slashdot
Digg
McAfee

Four of your favorite foods:
Duck
Parmigiano Reggiano
Ting Ting Jahe
Brigham’s Big Dig Ice Cream

Four places you’d rather be:
Amoeba Records
Amoeba Records
Amoeba Records
Amoeba Records

Four albums you can’t live without:
Slayer – God Hates Us All
The Haunted – One Kill Wonder
Neutral Milk Hotel – In the Airplane over the Sea
Minor Threat – Complete Discography

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1… 2… 3…. 4… Phhhhbbbbttttt.

Yup. Completely unexpectedly, my colon decided that I was too tired to press the weight myself and shot a blast of malodorous might to help push the weight to the top of the sled.

I think I finished the remaining 8 reps in record time.

If there was a woman within 20 feet, I will guarantee that I would’ve been beet red and stammering, but because it was just meat heads and teenagers, I hope someone at least got a chuckle out of it.

I know I would’ve.

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I already have to return 2 things because I consistently forget that the rest of the world is not left-handed.

It cannot be disputed that I was born without a shopping gene.

(I might be coaxed into admitting that shopping could’ve taken a mere 7 hours if I hadn’t spent some time giggling like a dope while clicking headlamps on and off in REI, but I’d you’d have to give up some small secret of your own first.)

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At this point, laughing is not only culturally insensitive, but ensures that you will have to repeat your corporate sponsored diversity training. And because some of us grew up in an area with one of the largest Asian populations South of Boston, we know that the name is Vietnamese, so the middle names “Ng” and “Yu” are both improbable and unsuitable because they are Chinese.

“Dat”, on the other hand, may be acceptable. And little Phuc Dat Dyer will be trained in so many phuc’in forms of Kung Fu that he will seriously split you in half if you even think about grinning at his kick-ass name. Even if you’re a ninja. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

I have been watching too much Kung Fu. Warn #1GF!.

(Note: It should not be inferred that there isn’t any sort of child on the way. This was spawned by a sign I saw that read, “Reserved for Phuc our new intern. (sic)”)

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After that, we headed to check out the freshly opened IKEA store, which seemed to be an unholy union between a Target and a Home Depot. The place is huge and packed with gay dudes and overdressed, New York looking bitches who would run you over if you stood between them and the faintest whiff of a bargain. I’m 6 feet and 2 bills, and these women didn’t even notice me.

The one thing that I can give them credit for, is those Swedes sure know how to make a kid’s room look fun. A parent could really create some seriously cool rooms for their kids on the cheap.

After 4 hours, I ended up snagging a mirror, a red trash can, and a $12 French Press, which I got one cup of coffee out of before breaking. All in all, if you want to go to Target with a major parking problem, head for IKEA. Do it once. You have to at least see it.

On Saturday, I went to a 2 year old’s birthday where the following occurred:

Mom: [to 2 year old] Do you want me to change your diaper?
2YO: No.
Mom: Do you want auntie to do it?
2YO: No.
Mom: Do you want Jooooooonnnniiieeeee to do it?
2YO: [big smile] YES!
Me: No. Auntie. Aun-tie. She said “auntie”.

Then, on Sunday, some friends drove all the way down to the South Shore to have brunch with #1GF! and I. One couple is having a baby and the other is getting married. It’s hard to come up with something comparable to that so I lied about being the new bassist for Metallica. Everyone from the South Shore knows that this is a total lie, because I rejected Metallica’s offer with a hand written note that simply said, “Get fucked, nancies. WarHammer Rules.”

And here I am at the end of a three day weekend looking ahead to a 4 day week.

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It’s not much trouble to sound like your aunt Grace who smokes a couple packs of Pahliaments a day, either, honey

Now, if I could keep the voice and drop the whole coughing up snails thing…

(Does anyone else realize that Vicks Vapo-rub contains turpentine? It does. I’m breathing turpentine. Blame me not for this post.)

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If I could only capitalize on this in print.

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The last time this happened I had to get a ton of tests and an MRI, all of which turned up nothing.

I’m glad that these episodes are a couple of years apart.

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Men don’t light candles, so this one goes out to the ladies. Five years ago, a candle in my house was left unattended for 10 minutes and burned my house in 20.

Total Cost: 2 years and $200,000 USD.
Total Gain: 1 expensive divorce, 1 #1GF!, and some worthy experiences.

Talk is cheap, so here are some pictures.

My clock

my stairs

1600 of my records

And me.

I don’t care what week it is, ladies. Fuck unattended candles.

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The only thread stopping me was the thought of the #1GF! busting through the door fully expecting Armageddon, only to find me ass in the air tangled in a shower curtain staring up at her shocked face. The only words that I could hear myself muttering before she killed me or died laughing were simply, “Sorry. Farted.”

And then as fast as I had been besieged, I was suddenly and miraculously released, returning me to the business of getting 99 and 44/100 percent clean.

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