It’s that time of year again when I do the batch buy of pants. In the old days, I’d walk into the Gap, point at Khaki and buy six pairs. Done. Now, every fucking store that sells khakis either eliminates or changes the name of the style as soon as I buy them, leaving me so confused that I eventually end up walking up to clerks pointing at my pants like a moron asking, “Do you have pants that look like these?”
But, I had to buy pants, and I had to start somewhere, so I started at the Gap. Within 10 feet of the entrance, I couldn’t see any khakis at all. While listening to the thump of the house music in a sea of pink shirts, I noticed a manequin across the store which was wearing the only pants that I could see. As I got closer, I realized that although the manequin was in the mens’ section, the legs looked like thin, little lady legs. And the pants looked like something a girl trying to be boyish would wear rather than a stock set of “these are comfortable and they match anything, so don’t worry about it” pants. I thought that I either entered the wrong store or that they must’ve dropped the P in GAP in favor of a Y.
Lost, and a good 15 minutes into my 20 minutes of annual shopping, I left the store confused.
I had the same luck in all the Gap clones like Eddie Bauer and some other ones, and there was one that I can distinctly say that I actually said “No way” out loud instead of going in because the store was dimly lit enough to be a romantic hideawy and was coated with black and white pictures of topless dudes pouting.
I thought that a tight pink top and form fitting pants might project the wrong image for me. I think what I’m going for is more “These clothes might not be stylin’, but they match and you can’t see my naughty bits” rather than “These clothes are velcro, and insert your naughty bits when I’m not paying attention.”
After wasting my annual 20 shoping minutes in this manner, I left the mall, pissed and irritated.
Sure that I was going to be forced to follow this new trend, I headed to the outlet mall so that at least my new effeminate look wouldn’t cost me full price. But, because I’m not the most knowledgable fashion shopper, what didn’t I think of? (The ladies know, don’t you, ladies?) Yea. When the new effeminate fashion overlords took over, where did they ship all the basic man clothes to sell off to the fashion unconscious? They were shipped to the outlet mall.
I think it took a mere 20 minutes and 200 dollars to buy another full wardrobe of Garanimal like man fashion that didn’t involve the color pink, the letter “y” or anything vaguely stylish. And to top it all off, I got a new pair of Vans.
I have to say it was the best shopping day that I ever had in my life because I had finally lucked the fuck out and will happily live style free for yet another year.