After a moment of reminiscing about the robotic anonymity of my old grey cube, I felt a little guilty that you had to be in that office while I sat out in my beach chair. Although I can’t join you in fluorescence, I thought I’d join you in spirit.
I wish I had tacked up a TPS report to the wall of my virtual cube, but I just don’t have the skills.
The Life of Riley is a weekly post that details my activities since I ended a thirteen year career as a corporate drone. These posts are usually long, personal, and geared more for my own memory than the reader’s entertainment.
Continue Reading…
Looked at a couple of houses, did a little shopping with #1GF! and watched Netflix movies and “So You Think You Can Dance” until it was time for bed.
I got depressed about the cost of health insurance and wondered if giving up my job was the right thing to do. I want to write, but I find attracting traffic and figuring out the world of online advertising to be impossibly complex. To top it off, I read a bunch of articles that mentioned keeping your day job if your site earns less than $30,000. I then got even more depressed and wrote movie reviews for the rest of the day. There are now over 50 of them. I eventually burned out and made #1GF! burritos when she got home from work.
Wrote most of the day away.
Drove an hour out to the country to help a friend clear out his yard in preparation for a cookout on Saturday. Instead, I foolishly got roped into building a pre-fab metal shed. Eight hours and 200 screws later we had only the base completed. On the drive home I passed a corn field. Some little townie voice in my head actually said, “Whoa. Fuckin’ maize, dood.” I have no idea where it came from, but it was hopefully a result of a day of manual labor in the 90 degree heat and not a mental glitch that would force me to wear bandannas, work boots and a shitty mustache on a permanent basis.
Drove another hour back to the land of trees and bogs to continue working on the shed. Ten hours and 300 screws later we had the walls and half the roof up. I almost had a mental fit when the directions neglected to tell us about two required screws on the top of the shed until they were too far to reach. Had to take down part of the shed to get to them. Average temperature was 94 degrees. Went home and started dreaming about putting the shed together. I had to wake myself up and give myself an order to stop working on the shed because it was only a dream and wouldn’t get the real shed done any faster. I then kept falling asleep and dreaming of putting screws into the shed. I had to order myself to stop several times until I finally ordered myself to dream about boobies. I have no idea if I did, but the shed dreams stopped.
Drove back to the country to finish the shed. 300 screws and about eight hours later, the shed was finally completed. There was only a single custom drilled screw hole required despite the uneven ground and hundreds of tiny pin holes to line up. I wrote “Bubbles” on a piece of cardboard, duct taped it to the front, and took a picture for no other reason than to give myself a laugh and maybe prove to #1GF! that the shed existed.
After three days working in the sun, I sat in the house while #1GF! went to the beach. I wished that I goofed off, but I spent the time revising my will. My nose wouldn’t stop running and I was sick of the country, so I contemplated not going back for the cookout. I ended up going with #1GF! and having a good time with some of my former coworkers. I overheard one coworker’s wife whisper, “Is that the guy with the blog?”, which put a smile on my face, until another told me that I wasn’t a writer, I was just unemployed.
Got up and went for a nine mile walk with #1GF! on the beach and surrounding areas. Got burned and have raccoon eyes from my sunglasses. Watched some cruddy movies on Netflix Watch Now because Netflix was screwing with my dvd delivery times this week. Got a little disillusioned with the quality of the Watch Now service.
Wrote a little and spent a good chunk of time trying to create a header image for my sister’s site. I’m no designer, so it took a few hours to come up with ten or so designs, none of which are very good.
Thought it was Thursday so #1GF! called me an old man. Went back and tagged some of my posts from 2003 that never made the transfer from Blogger to dyers.org. Made it all the way to January ‘03 before getting completely bored. There is still a year of posts to go through, but some of the categories are finally filling out.
Wrote all my posts for the week. Wrote a Perl script that reformats my Shotgun CD review posts for me because it’s generally a pain in the ass to format them. I continued reformatting all the posts from my Blogger days. It was not all that fun.
Built my sister a logo and started building her site. I also started creating a map for her because she is too busy to do it herself. As a hobo, I have plenty of time. Like a good boss, she doesn’t return my calls or emails. Like a good employee, I’m staging a work slowdown.
Facebook has been available for anyone to join for almost a year now, but in the last couple of months it has been popping up on my radar very frequently. Like so many people my age, I have been successfully ignoring them. After reading articles from Scobleizer and Web Worker Daily, I gave a little thought as to whether Facebook might have something more to it than the drunken teen stigma that follows it around. After getting over the embarrassment of actually signing up, exploring the site ate my whole day. There are so many ways to connect with people on the service that it makes Linkedin look like a dinosaur. Whether I’ll end up using it regularly as a networking tool is still up in the air, but I have to say that it is worth a look.
Invited myself and #1GF! to a friend’s house for dinner. On the way, we picked up desert and stopped off at Staples to get cards cut for a game of 1kbwc. I took so long finding index cards that #1GF! came in to the store looking for me. $6 later we made the hour journey to the North Shore in the pounding rain. He has a good job, she has a good job, they have a nice house, people stay over all the time, and they’re great hosts. It sort of got me down for a little while about my own life, being unemployed, and not being career or money driven. Then it dawned on me that their life is not my life, and I went back to being happy with writing all day trying to claim my corner of the web. After dinner, I tried to get them into a game of 1kbwc, but they were completely resistant to the idea. The game has no set rules, allowing the players to create nearly any game they want out of it. It’s typical for people to resist the game because (oddly enough) people seem to need rules for playing, but it was probably a bit myopic on my part to expect a lawyer and an engineer to be receptive to the idea. This is especially true since I was warned that any game I bought would end up on the grill. Rather than loose a $25 game to the fire, I thought it would be safer to risk some notecards. All cards are sitting in the Staples bag untouched awaiting another victim. Went to bed and dreamed about answering nasty blog comments and running around trying to figure out which college class I was late for.
Because she is a pretty darned good editor and the easiest audience on Earth, #1GF! reads my posts to me aloud every night as I stand over her shoulder. We’ve done it this way for years.
After a particularly isolated day of writing around Casa Dyerifico, my Einsteinian hair should’ve been the tipoff that I was hovering at threat level orange on the social abilities scale by the time my lovely editor arrived home. Instead of backing down the stairs to safety, #1GF! ignored all warning signs and settled in to read.
She asked, “Before I start reading, can you give me…”
and trailed off. Because of the lack of companionship all day, I was as useful as a six year old hopped up on Pixie Stix.
Me: A poke in the butt [poke]
#1GF!: Hey! NO!
Me: A poke in the boobs [poke poke]
#1GF!: ARGHHH! NO!
Me: A double wet willy? [lick lick snurch snurch]
#1GF!: GAAAAAAHHHHH! NOOOOOO!
Me: [throwing arms up] Well, what do you want then? I mean I’m at a total loss here.
#1GF!: [wiping out her ears] Oh god you suck. You need to get outside or talk to people or something. I’m serious.
Please don’t crowd ladies. #1GF! ain’t going to let this ball of fun go any time soon.
Editor’s note: Any bids on one gently used, semi-literate, hobo man servant should be forwarded to #1GF! at [deleted].com
Overriding Superhuman Hobo Man Servant Mega Editor’s Note: Nice Try…
I looked at houses all day. I found nothing and went home to watch movies.
Switched out my Sociable plugin for Share This because it’s a lot less obtrusive at the bottom of my posts. No one seems to bookmark anything on this site, so a bunch of icons on the bottom of the post didn’t make much sense. I started putting together my cinematic character playlist for the August edition of FineTune Friday. I wrote the rest of the day away and went outside only to take out the garbage. I didn’t shower or shave, and writing for over 12 hours can produce one smelly hobo. #1GF! came home and laughed at me for both my insane hair and crazy smell.
Wrote for 14 hours.
Went to the gym, did the food shopping, and wrote a post for Miro. Cooked up some sausages and peppers and watched Season 3 of Rescue Me. Realized that I like say “like” a lot and got totally like frustrated by it because, you know, I’m not like 12.
Somehow lost the day moderating videos for Miro and didn’t get much writing in. Joined some social bookmarking sites like stumbleupon and del.icio.us. Still don’t see the point of these sites, but I want to test them out to see if they could prove to be useful. I’m not ready for myspace or facebook. Ate pizza for dinner and got bored with the lack of people dancing like a robot on “So You think You can Dance”.
Got up, worked out and cranked out a few posts. Moderated 120+ videos for Miro. Felt like I gave up a healthy salary doing mundane things only to trade it in for a volunteer job doing mundane things. Read a post from the Miro player blog, which linked to a whole bunch of high traffic Miro articles but didn’t link to mine. I told them about my article, so they knew about it, but they didn’t link to it because it didn’t generate enough traffic for them. It would’ve been nice to get a link because I do so much moderating for them, but I guess it doesn’t work that way. Eh. I’m not in the big leagues. I didn’t write the post for a link, I wrote it because I love the idea of the player. But when the post was intentionally full of links on press for Miro, I thought I would’ve gotten a link because I help them out. I’m not angry with them or anything like that. I’m a small fry and they’re big leagues. It is what it is. But there’s nothing like feeling like you’re doing something worthwhile and then realizing you’re just a grunt. I drowned my disappointment in a ton of free music sites until #1GF! got home. The best thing I found was a free Wynton Marsalis album called Here…Now, which is available for free directly from Marsalis himself.
Had some strawberries on my Cheerios. Man, I forgot how good fruit can make breakfast. Tried to get my parents to give me ideas for a project that might help them. Babysat #1GF!’s niece and nephew. Went home and watched Big Love Season 1.
Drove to #1GF!’s mom’s house to program the memory of her new phone. Went to a state park because even though we felt like laying around the house, #1GF! and I felt obligated to get out and enjoy the sunshine. Went home and cooked a crazy concoction of a pounded chicken breast covered in apple sauce and caramelized onions, then rolled up and wrapped in bacon and baked. It was good, but needed a glaze. Anyone who has a grill is obligated to try it. Watched Netflix’s watch now service until bed time.
Wrote a recommendation for a former anonymous co-worker. I then spent the day building a site for my sister, who told me it looked like a hippie threw up.
I wrote all day and gave up on showering and shaving. I forgot to workout or eat lunch.
I wrote all day and at least showered before #1GF! got home. I told #1GF! that I loved her over instant message and she immediately called because I never do mushy crap like that. To allay her fears, I told her that I was dying and she went back to work. I went back to writing. Later, she told me that she was worried that I might be depressed because I haven’t left the house in three days and haven’t been eating lunch. That isn’t depression. That’s writing. I only looked depressed because I haven’t shaved in three days. My inside does not match my outside.
I wrote all day again. I also forgot to eat lunch again. I’m pretty happy to be writing all day, but I’m not sure how to rake in the cash from it.
Went to lunch with another unemployed coworker and ended up spending four hours sitting in a Chili’s booth. Note to other hobo n00bs: Chilli’s will pretty much let you sit in a booth forever, but will stop giving free refills after a couple of hours. The center differential on Rocket Car was acting up, but after letting the car cool for a few hours the issue went away. Left from lunch to meet eight other ex-coworkers for dinner and a movie. Forgot on several occasions that these guys read this site, and started telling stories that they already knew and was amazed when they seemed to clairvoyantly know events that had been going on in my life. Because most of these guys never saw me outside of work in my thirteen year career, I got told that I dress like a fifteen year old skater. Although I was happy with the company, I wondered how pulled pork, fries, and a crappy movie ran me over $40. Drove home and a car crossed the yellow line into my lane. In the seconds before they swerved back, I pictured the fatal wreck in a news report and wished I told #1GF! I loved her when I talked to her last. When I got home, I never told #1GF! that I loved her lest she think that I was depressed again.
Did a crossword puzzle. Went to the beach with #1GF! and got too cold. Went home and #1GF! watched a terrible Lifetime type movie while I looked up Netflix Watch Now Movies. Went out for Mexican food. Watched more movies and went to bed.
I had a really weird day where I was tired and quiet, but didn’t want to be at home. #1GF! and I ended up wandering around and sitting on the rocks by the beach.
I did half of a crossword puzzle, worked out, and got dressed. I started pacing the apartment and realized that I was not only whispering to myself, but whispering to myself about whispering to myself. Got the fuck out of my apartment on the excuse of getting some iced coffee. I realized that the major drawback of unemployment is solitude. When you have a job, you might not be surrounded by all your best friends all day, but you’re surrounded by people. And that can mean something. People are social animals. I went out just to be around some people. I didn’t have to talk to them. I just needed them there.
I ended up walking for what I estimate to be six or eight miles. Then I went home, watched an episode of Anthony Bourdain and kicked on the PC. I started trying to figure out how people make money on the interwebs.
Wrote music reviews all day. I have weeks of music posts and tons to go.
Went to the beach with #1GF! and got a burn. Cut my index finger on the umbrella. Moved my RSS feed to feedburner to allow people to get site updates by e-mail if they want. Updated the Netflix watch now application, which now works on my 1Ghz box. For the rest of the day, we streamed movies right to the TV without a hitch. Two of which were Joe Rogan live, who is one unexpectedly gross dude, and the Freshest Kids: the History of the B-boy. If you ever were a breaker, this will have you trying to resurrect all those poppin’ and lockin’ moves. You will look like an idiot and have to spin on your hand to prove to your girlfriend that you really did once have a high top fade and gliding feet. Ended the night by watching the local fireworks from the top of a swing set in our complex.
Got up and did a crossword puzzle, then spent the entire day creating FineTune stations for FineTune Friday while #1GF! went out with one of her godchildren. Took a shower eventually. Ended the day by Jumping out of bed to make an emergency renew of some library books over the web to avoid some late fees.
Took a leisurely ride with #1GF! down route 28 on the Cape. Narrowly avoided going into a used record store. We got some salt water taffy from Cape Cod Salt Water Taffy, which is a roadside stand that has 30 baskets of taffy. I search for the place every time we go down there and eat myself sick on the stuff. As a side note for myself: buy more peanut butter and fluffernutter taffy because they end up being your favorites. Avoid Pina Colada and oreo cookie because they don’t taste like they’re supposed to. A second side note to myself: when you call it “toffy”, you’re not saying the right thing and #1GF! is secretly laughing at you. It’s taffy. Taf-fy. Came home and kept checking for all the FineTune Friday stations that got blown off. Drowned my disappointment in some of Netflix’s Watch Now offerings.
Packed a lunch and spent the day at the beach with #1GF!. We got help pushing our umbrella into the sand by some guy who had a pile driver beach umbrella that dug its own hole. Cut my other index finger on said umbrella. Heard an accident where someone tried to take a left from the right lane without considering the car right next to them. I saw that the people were OK and kept walking. #1GF! couldn’t leave without trying to help. She ended up calling the police. Went to dinner and watched movies for the rest of the night.
Went to #1GF!’s Mom’s house to paint. Tried to exchange her phone at a local store. The store wouldn’t take it because the receipt was too old. Took the phone to another branch without he receipt, and the store exchanged it without a problem. Went home by 3PM and played Jewel Quest while #1GF! napped. Watched a couple of movies and went to sleep.
Pinched something in my neck lifting an amount of weight that I’m actually ashamed of. Went to the grocery store. Went out in the 3000 degree heat to try to reproduce some photographs from the early 1900’s. Went home and watched Gattaca, which was beyond complete crap. Went back to the grocery store to pick up something I forgot. Knocked off a couple more pictures while I was out. Got back into the air conditioned cave of my apartment and made dinner. Called #1GF! to pick up something else at the supermarket which I had forgotten in my two previous trips. Watched So You Think you can Dance. Showed #1GF! my pictures, which I thought were awesome and she was unimpressed with.
Got up and made the coffee like I do every day. Sent a congratulatory note to my old boss who got promoted. Took a call from my Dad who was going to the beach in the 90 degree heat at high tide. Went to take a picture at Fort Revere. Got a municipal sticker and stuck it to my tint. Went to the beach to invite my dad over to eat lunch and watch taped MMA fights.
Started getting a bit nervous because there really wasn’t anything that I was supposed to be doing. I don’t have a job. I wasn’t sure if I should be relaxing because this is the only time that I won’t be working for a long time, or if I should be trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I’ve never been off of work for this long, and even though the money isn’t an issue, unemployment freaks me out sometimes and I haven’t been able to figure out why.
Decided I had better turn the PC on in any case. Got pissed at Thunderbird and had to re-input every fucking feed that I subscribe to because of profile corruption. If you use Thunderbird and you don’t want to cry when your profile blows up, you can either read this article and follow the instructions or you load mozbackup and load your profile from a previously saved backup. It’s up to you. I’ve done it both ways, and the mozbackup method is much faster and easier.
#1GF! was sick and it was 94 degrees and humid, so I blew the whole day off and treated it like a Saturday. I played web games (like Bejeweled 2 and Yahoo Crosswords) and watched TV well into the afternoon. I saw an episode of No Reservations that featured an engineer who quit his job to learn to become a salami maker, and another guy who gave up a ten year career in computing to focus his life on cheese making. It made me want to get passionate about something meaningful. Instead, I sat and wrote for about four hours.
Near the end of the day, this conversation occurred:
#1GF!: I felt like crap when I tried to sleep.
Me: You tried to crap and fell asleep?!?
#1GF!: Uh no. Not at all.
I seriously wrote and read all day long. All day. Know what I have to show for it? Just about nothing. So, I went for a drink with #1GF! and a former co-worker. Coca-cola really has a way of wiping out the day’s trials and tribulations.
Positively plowed through the OPML export from Dumb Little man and upped the number of blogs that I subscribe to from 20 to over 90. The web mojo was flowing so well that I started discussions on a new web project for my sister. I then spent a few hours straightening out an e-mail issue between my web host and the folks at Democracy. Actually felt like I put in a full day, but working on stuff that I like.
Went to a #1GF! family cookout all day. Before leaving for the cookout, I changed my shirt because I had spilled a single drop of coffee on it. Toward the end of the day, I had #1GF!’s one year old nephew on my lap for a couple of hours. When I took him off, there was a wet spot on my knee right where he had been sitting. It could have been pool water or baby pee, but I can’t say that it even bothered me at all. It’s strange that a single drop of coffee had my shirt off in 10 seconds, but a possible pool of baby pee didn’t really get an ounce of concern. I also realized that sometimes when I’m the only one without kids at a cookout, I feel out of place. When I start to think that it could be a topic of conversation, I feel weirder.
Got up, lifted, got pissed at the bike because some idiot broke the headphone jack. Cleaned the bathroom and the counter. Took a call from my Dad where he couldn’t reproduce a computer issue he was having. Ate lunch. Did the food shopping. Paid the bills. Went to the tiny little Hull library and sat in a big, leather chair reading about the history of Hull. It was the best part of my day.
Sent Brian this video for his T-shirt challenge and he ordered it.
Spent the morning reading about the history of Hull for a dumb little project I’m trying to put together. It ended up eating the whole day.
Tried to get an ancient scanner working, and like any five minute technical project, it ended up taking half the day. The scanner software not only wiped out my Firefox settings, but somehow blew up my Thunderbird profile. This, of course, led to paranoid virus scanning and spyware checks which ate even more time. After a good three hours, I had it working satisfactorily, so I shut it all down without making a single scan.
Luckily for my sanity, #1GF! and I were invited to a turkey dinner at her friend’s house. During the course of the dinner, the conversation was varied and amusing, and eventually drifted into the topic of video games (as it tends to do when you have two teenagers and a nerd at the table). The younger of #1GF!’s friend’s daughters said rather confidently that she would “own” me at a particular video game. In most situations, it would be a reasonable statement for a teenager to say to someone who is twice their age. I thought it was priceless to watch the look of confidence fade into confusion when the 35 year old senior citizen across the table replied, “Not only will you not own me, but if you play me, you’ll probably end up getting pwned.” I can’t be sure if anyone else at the table had a clue what pwn even means, but they all burst out laughing. If I can get one person laughing, I’m happy. If I can get them laughing so hard that they can’t really breathe, I’m psyched. Luckily, I was able to do this several times to several people during the course of the dinner, which more than wiped out any of the computer based frustrations from earlier in the day.
Went to “Hull of a Day”, which was a local event heavy in both community spirit and lameness. Part of it was a parade that was mostly made up of kids riding bikes and random adults waving from cars. I couldn’t understand why any of them were even in the parade, but hey, small town, new rules, I suppose. While I was standing waiting for something exciting to happen, an older woman from the library foundation randomly started talking to me (as older people tend to do to me). She introduced me to a couple of other library ladies, and #1GF! introduced me to a networking guy from her company who happens to run the library’s website. From there, it got rip-roaring exiting when I saw a few of the town councilors that I see on TV every week. #1GF! corrected me that they were not actually famous just because I see them on community cable. I disagreed.
Later on, we attended the country’s second largest bonfire with the same fine folks that fed us turkey the night before. Although you can’t read it in the first photo, the sign on the top of the pile read “Hanover: Call Fire Dept”. In the photos below, check out the scope of the fire. The light that it gave off at 10 PM was nothing in comparison to the heat. At a good distance you had to turn away to avoid burning your face. In the third photo, the tree you see is far enough in the foreground that it actually deceives you into seeing the fire as smaller than it was. In that photo, the tree line that the fire department was constantly hosing down was about halfway up the fire. After the pile fell over, the fire was still pretty big, as you can see by the tiny little fireman in the left hand side of the fourth photo.
#1GF! took a vacation day, and her vacation days usually involve going to the beach. Even though I’m not a huge fan of frying in the sun, I figured that I’d try to let #1GF! get whatever she wanted over a couple of days to make up for the fact that she had family obligations on her actual birthday.
We got our iced coffee at Dunkin’s and parked in the municipal lot like locals do, and planted our chairs on a low tide sand bar. I watched the water sparkle like flashbulbs at a rock concert from the safety of my flame retardant umbrella, while #1GF! would call out the various body parts that fell outside the shade. “Toe,” or “Forehead,” would be called out at random intervals, causing me to shift my chair into a safer position. Eventually, the tide wanted to get in on the act and we were forced to seek a new location or face soaking the forty pounds of crap that we seem to carry down to the beach.
After a quick survey of the area, we picked a spot with the fewest teenagers, even though we would be sitting near a guy laying on his side. If he was on his back or front, I don’t think we would’ve thought twice about it, but there’s something weird about people laying on their sides at the beach that suggests either drunkenness or some other issue. Once we put our chairs down, we realized it was two kids making out. There were people all around them, and they just didn’t seem to notice. I accidentally said that they were “macking” on each other, and it took a while for us to figure out where I got such a word and if it was being used correctly. In any case, every time we looked in their direction over the next two hours, their continuous mack-fest made us laugh.
I eventually started asking #1GF! stupid questions like, “What do you think about me walking over there, slapping four quarters down, and saying, ‘I got next.’”? She just laughed, which I couldn’t interpret as a yes or no, and I wasn’t sure if four quarters was a fair price for herpes, so my quarters and I just stayed within the safety zone under my uncool, but effective umbrella.
If sitting next to team iron lips wasn’t weird enough, not one, but two seriously huge steam shovels came creaking down the sand within ten or twelve feet of us (steam shovels? Steam shovels? Please forward me your spare coupons for various home remedies because it’s obvious that I’ve somehow turned 126 years old.). I wished I had my camera, because it’s seriously weird to be sitting under an umbrella while heavy equipment rolls by. Unless, of course, you are mackin’, in which case you won’t even notice.
Once the tide was sufficiently high enough to prevent us from sitting on the sand, we went home and worked out. There I confirmed that I must be 126 years old, because even when #1GF! told me that she was watching a program about, and I quote, “snakes’ buttholes”, I still watched the Hull town council meeting on the local cable channel while I rode the bike. Despite not looking like I’ve changed in the last 15 years, I doubt it will be long before I’m spreading salve and schmeckler’s powder on anything that even remotely looks painful. Mark. my. words.
After showering the stink off, we went and ate dinner on the roof deck of a local restaurant and took a walk, thoroughly enjoying the fact that most people hadn’t even gotten out of work yet. To top the evening off, we went to see Oceans 13, which really wasn’t all that bad, but relatively uneventful. The best part of the movie happened before we went in, when a teenage girl in line looked the cashier in the eye and said, “I’ll have a large popcorn, and my bitch here is going to pay for it.” She then pointed a thumb at the guy next to her who promptly did so.
As it was #1GF!’s birthday, we went out to breakfast before heading for the beach again. Even thought it was cloudy and windy for half the day, it was ten times better than working. We came home and took showers. I have to say that there’s something about washing salt off you in the mid afternoon that makes a day just feel like a vacation.
At #1GF!’s request, we went to the Abington Ale House for dinner. She could’ve picked anywhere, but I have to say that there’s something satisfying in getting something for free on your birthday, and the Ale House gives you the entire meal for nothing. Because we had to go to a dance recital later in the evening, we arrived at 3 PM, beating even the earliest of the blue haired early birds. Unfortunately, our early arrival sort of killed the fun of seeing other people getting free meals for their birthdays, but what could we do? There was a recital, and #1GF! is a good aunt. Trying to be a good boyfriend, I did my best not to bitch.
Personally, I hate going to dance recitals. Once I’m at a dance recital, though, I usually have a pretty good time. The little kids are usually pretty amusing, despite all the crappy music and poor dancing that you have to sit through. This recital, though, was easily the best I’ve ever seen. All of the routines were strung together into a story, the choreography was so good that it was freaking me out at points, and the music choice wasn’t the same boring shit that you normally find in these productions. I was so happy to hear James Brown covering “Your Cheatin’ Heart” that I completely missed the kids dancing to it. Hell, even if the rest of the dancing sucked, I would’ve been impressed just by the musical choices alone.
And for the first time ever, this recital was five minutes from our house, cutting two to four hours of normally required drive time. And if that wasn’t good enough, we didn’t even have to stay the full three hours to see #1GF!’s niece finish. She was done in two. Boo-yah. We were out in the lobby before the start of the third act. While we waited, we watched all the other little girls came out of the dressing room in their fancy costumes. #1GF!’s niece was perfectly happy to come out in her pajamas and spider man slippers. I couldn’t help but laugh. Recitals, as hard as they are to drag yourself to, are good for the soul.
So, although it wasn’t a perfect birthday, I hoped that #1GF! had enough fun in two days to make up for it. Because she deserves it.
Painted at #1GF!’s mom’s house for the second day in a row and still didn’t finish. I am, how you say, a sucky painter.
From there we headed to my parents’ house to set up their new PC. The only thing we ended up getting done was starting a data transfer between their old PC and their new one.
I was chartered with the simple task of bringing over scones for my dad on Father’s Day. I had no idea what a bitch it is to find an Irish Breakfast brick on a Sunday morning. After finally finding what amounted to a small, crappy batch of scones at a local market, a woman pulled up in an Infiniti and yelled at me as I walked out…
Woman: Jonathan!
Me: Hey? (what the…)
Woman: How are you?
Me: Goooood. (Fuck, I think she might be one of my cousins.)
Woman: You don’t recognize me? [takes off sunglasses]
Me: No. (Shit. I think she’s definitely one of my cousins and I’m never going to remember her name. I’m an ass. Maybe I’ll just stand here smiling like a dope.)
Woman: It’s me, Karen.
Me: Wow! Karen! How are you? (Whew. She is not a cousin and I haven’t seen her in 15 years. Non-recognition excusable.)
Karen: I can’t believe you didn’t recognize me.
Me: I haven’t seen you in 15 years and you’re in this fancy car!
Karen: I can’t believe it. You look exactly the same.
And then we talked for three minutes before she had to get something in the market for her husband and three kids. As quickly as she flew in, she was gone.
Now even though she picked me out of a crowd from a moving car while I was wearing sunglasses after not seeing or hearing from me in over fifteen years, I wasn’t really accepting of the idea that I looked exactly the same as I did when I was 18. Fortunately, there was no time to discuss it because I had scones to deliver.
From there we ran over to my parents and gave my Dad a Nintendo DS Lite and Mario Kart for Father’s day. I don’t know when every holiday became like Christmas, but it was worth every penny to listen to my retired parents competing for hours while #1GF! and I set up their new PC.
We spent about three hours backing up mail, transferring data, and stripping off useless pre-installed programs, when my Dad took a break from his gaming and popped in to check on us. After giving him the rundown on all the new stuff that his dual core, Vista box could do, he said, “That’s really cool, but how do we play the game?” After a small inquisition, I came to find out that the game was Jewel Quest, an addictive, but adware supported flash game that they had downloaded on their old PC.
I tried to avoid the issue, but ended up having to install it on their pristine new PC because it was one of the three things that they use the web for: web surfing, e-mail, and Jewel Quest. I also had to laugh. I spent hours prepping a PC for the main purpose of getting adware to run faster. I felt like I was going against some geek moral code, but it was Father’s Day and there was nothing I could do.
By 6 PM or so, I was happy to eat leftover Chinese food with #1GF! for an uneventful and relaxing few hours before going to bed.
While laying there in the dark…
Me: [out of the blue] Sure I was wearing sneakers, cargo shorts and a band t-shirt, and maybe my haircut and sunglass choices haven’t changed since I was a teenager, and maybe I’m pretty much the same build, but I don’t think I look the same.
#1GF!: What?
Me: Today. Karen. I don’t look the same. I mean, I have bigger bags under my eyes for one thing. And my hairline is back at least an inch from 15 years ago.
#1GF!: [silence and grinning]
Me: Oh, I can hear the way you’re looking at me. Fine. I’m the same then. Look at me. I’m the same. I’m 18. bah.
#1GF!: You are a funny, funny man.
Day unrecorded. I made the coffee and ran a couple of miles and then probably ran around doing useless shit.
Got up, made the coffee and read the Parachute book.
Lifted and biked. Met a woman from the midwest who makes drapes.
Found nearly $400 in BestBuy cards that have accumulated in my closet over several billion birthdays and holidays. Called #1GF! to tell her about it. She works, so she was relatively unimpressed. Bought my Dad a Father’s Day gift. Went to Borders to buy a Python book. Read some of it like I did last time, and walked out without buying it yet again.
Visited my parents and brought them coffee. Ordered them a PC. Played a really 1980’s video texas hold ‘em game that my Dad bought. It actually hooked up to the TV like pong. The speech synthesis was so bad that it sounded like the dealer had a lisp. Shut it off while pretending to adjust it.
Went to a new BBQ restaurant with Dad and #1GF! because my mother suddenly decided to go out to a casino. After being showed the 75 hot sauces that I could pick on my own and the bar that may or may not have been a salad bar, the waitress dropped a tiny bowl of cucumbers on the table with no explanation. She then actually took my menu from me and flipped through every page explaining what “appetizers”, “entrees”, and “deserts” were like we were severely retarded. It was that point that I decided I didn’t want to pick from 75 hot sauces that 250 people had played with today, nor was I in the mood to explore the weirdo non-salad, possibly salad, salad bar. I ordered a simple pulled pork sandwich, because it’s nearly impossible to fuck up. My dad almost killed the waitress diving for the check. He was like a ninja.
Thanked Dad. Went home. Watched a cable access video on the history of Hull. Went to sleep.
Made the coffee. Read the parachute book. Ran 2 miles next to crashing New England waves.
Meant to go to the library to look up the history of Hull. Accidentally ended up moderating Democracy videos all (and I do mean all) day. Found some kick ass videos that I’ll have to remember to post. Wrote to the owners of Red Vs. Blue to beg them to add a channel to Democracy.
Thought about making a giant robot man out of cans and shopping carts for #1GF!’s upcoming birthday. Thought it might attract too many bees and gave up. Spent a lot of time trying to find something better and ultimately picked some pretty crappy presents. Felt bad.
Ate pizza and watched “So You Think You Can Dance”. Got bored and forgot why I watch it. Saw some cool shit that didn’t involve doing the robot that made me remember why I did. Looked for said videos on the web, but they are all copyrighted and unavailable, so I can’t prove that they are cool and I’m not gay. Fell asleep before the show ended.
Made the coffee. Lifted and biked. Went to #1GF!’s mom’s house to paint her door. Had to go to Walmart to get some painters tape and was stunned by the army of people in Walmart at 10 AM on a Friday. Wondered if any of them had jobs. Went back to the house and put a CD of old Italian favorites on to help me tape. One song kept making me sing, “Oh Lolabrickida, your food’s magnifica…”, which I think came from an episode of the Flintstones. Painted the door which took a hell of a lot longer and came out a whole lot worse than I expected. Bought a beach umbrella for my mother for $12. Went to #1GF!’s brother’s house and babysat until 8 PM. Came home. Wrote this. Went to bed.
Got up and made the coffee. Lied and said that I was going back to bed so that #1GF! wouldn’t make it. Then, I made it for her. Sat down with my coffee and continued reading What Color Is Your Parachute? Started sifting through the giant pile of notes that tend to migrate from my pockets to a colony on my desk. Tried to explain the piles of notes to #1GF! before sending her off to work.
Went out for a run. Tried to wave or say hello to everyone I passed depending on my oxygen level. I started getting ignored a lot and began to give up on the idea. Stopped running after a mile and a half and said hi to a State Trooper working a detail. Seemed friendly. Said hi to a second trooper on the same detail who acted like he wanted to punch me in the face. I was amused by it, although I don’t know why.
Ran another half mile at a faster much faster pace and then took a walk to cool down. I met a plumber named Alan who was walking his dog. His wife showed up to drive him to a job down the Cape, so he gave me one of his cards. I thought it was weird, but I guess that’s how people network. Talked to a mailman named Tom, but didn’t say much. Went home and continued sifting my notes.
Had lunch and read more of the Parachute book. Looked up crap online. Cleaned my white board in case I had any big ideas. Started going a little berserk with boredom. Thought about going out to get some meaningless stuff done. Gave up and stayed home. Started writing some of the pile of album reviews I’ve been putting off for months. Got word that our offer on a house was met with a full price counter offer. Wondered if the sellers have ever bought or sold a house before. Didn’t find myself caring either way.
Watched Attack of the Show. Snuck out for lightbulbs and ice cream when #1GF! went for a walk. Was in a generally happy mood until #1GF! flagged down rocket car and discussed the sellers’ counter offer to yesterdays big balled house offer. Drove home. Took out the garbage. Called the real estate agent and told her that the counter offer was a sad joke. Got frustrated. Stopped caring that snuck isn’t actually a word. Stopped being frustrated and went to bed.
Got up and made the coffee. Finished Jeffrey Gitomer’s Little Black Book of Connections. I will save you the time: Do things for a ton of people for free so that some of them do stuff for you. Started “What Color is your parachute. Got #1GF! off to work.
Lifted weights and rode the bike. Put a 4 GB card into my phone to make it an Ipod and tried to load 3 Gb of music onto it. I spent the three hours that it took to load the music looking at historical photos of Hull. This was partly due to boredom, and partly because I’m fascinated with uncovering what might have existed before the things that exist today.
The bank didn’t bother calling me back like they promised, so I called them. They said they couldn’t go any higher. That didn’t bother me as much as them not calling me back. I called my mortgage guy to tell him I quit my job. He didn’t seem fazed by it. This could be because we have planned for this, or because we made our first offer on a house almost three years ago. Agreed to take a second look at a house even though I don’t have a job. Called myself a wuss for not taking calculated risk and got with the program.
Looked into Father’s day deals and coupons.
Went to take a second look at the house. We all got locked out of the real estate office on our way to put in an offer. Didn’t take it as a bad sign. When asked why I quit my job, I offhandedly told my real estate agent that it was because there was no way that I was going to make a million working there. She replied by saying that there is no way to make a million when you’re collecting a salary from someone else. I found the point debatable, but reasonably true. Ate dinner at a local restaurant to celebrate/keep people on the street from staring at my giant balls.
Watched an episode of “So, You Think You Can Dance?” and spent the time making rude comments to #1GF! in the voice of Shane Sparks and bitching about the lack of breakdancers. Realized that I don’t see the point of watching anyone dance who cannot make themselves move like a robot. Went to bed and slept well.
Slept in because #1GF! had the day off. Walked down to get breakfast. Had to sit at a table because the counter was full. Some business sales people were there trying to sell things to each other. Had the early bird special and proudly felt 927 years old. Took a walk on the beach for three or so miles. Started limping by the end because of yesterday’s run. Felt 954 years old. Saw a repairman we saw at breakfast fixing stuff at our complex. Said Hello. Went home.
Played with my phone more. Put plastic on the screen so it doesn’t get all banged up. Looked up 4 GB memory sticks for it. Set up voice dialing and crap. Shut off voice dialing. Got all my clothes ready for the wedding while #1GF! went to the pool to sit in the sun. Had a ham sandwich.
Went to Joey’s wedding. Sat behind a guy at the ceremony who was my age and had two inch hairs hanging off of his ears. Wondered if he owned a mirror or had a girlfriend. Assumed he was a scientist of some sort. Ate some kick ass food. Sat at a table with four lawyers, a NY bond trader, an Argentinian, a paralegal and a salesman. Focussed on trying to connect with them rather than writing them off over prejudices over who I thought they were. Entertained them pretty well. Felt important because the table was next to the bride and groom. Did not feel even a little bit bad about not having a job. Got praised by the bond trader for “having the balls to take a big risk”. I always find it interesting when people say this.
Watched a slide show that was set to music for the bride and groom. I felt like a lump for not having traveled the world or getting a law degree. I was featured three times. In one, I was wearing a “Free Geek” T-shirt,
another was taken from shaving 102,
and the third was from shaving 101.
Felt like a big fat geek, but knew they were accurate and undeniable representations of my personality.
Forgot how brutal weddings can be for unmarried women. Thought that there should be divorce parties so people can see how kick ass it can be to get away from someone miserable. Thought that nine times out of ten the divorce party would be raunchy and sad and gave up on the idea.
Spent the ride home fighting the sleepiness that continually crossed my eyes. Got home, went to bed.
Got up and made the coffee. Had to dump my cereal because the milk I bought at the rich town supermarket went bad 5 days early. Shook my fist at the rich elite and their expiring milk and did some pushups to calm down. Decided to eat cottage cheese ad canned peaches because I had forgotten how gross it was. Checked my list of crap to do. Responded to #1GF!’s suggestion of relaxing with something like, “Relaxing is a reward for people who work. For people who don’t work, there’s really no need.” Got #1GF! out the door to work.
Checked some e-mail accounts that I’ve been neglecting. Ran a couple of miles. Went for a walk to cool down. Looked at my reflection in a window and thought my haircut made me look like an off-duty cop. Walked by the mini golf course, which I think used to be a Paragon Park ride called the “Congo Cruise”. Walked by the carosel and wanted to paint it. Thought the same about the Clock tower. Found the old track for the old Turnpike cars ride (what it looks like now) and wondered why no one has turned it into a skate park or something. Went home, ate an apple, backed up my e-mail, and had ham sandwich.
Went to the mall to find some sunglasses that didn’t make me look like I was trying to attract a dude or fuck someone’s teenage daughter. Wandered into Old Navy and bought some cargo shorts. Went into Walmart, because I think that’s where unemployed people are supposed to go. Tried on 50 pairs of $5 sunglasses and left empty handed. Wished that they had NASCAR branded glasses just so I could wear them to tomorrow’s wedding. They didn’t, so I left. Went to find some books for the kids, and felt like I must look like some child kidnapper wandering aimlessly around the children’s section trying to find friggin’ Disney Books. Had to ask and was led to a shelf full of Disney branded garbage. Gave up and wandered back into my comfort section, seeking out a Python book. It didn’t exist. Started getting a headache and decided to go look for sunglasses again. Found three pairs that I liked at K-Holes, but figured $13 was too much to pay for something that I’m bound to break or lose in the next three days. Bought a wedding card. Went to the drugstore and somehow showed up on the one day a year that the drugstore doesn’t have sunglasses. Thought about going back into K-Holes. Said “fuck it” and gave up.
Got home. Tracked my cell phone shipment. When the status suddenly changed to “delivered” five minutes after I got home, I almost called to complain. Instead, I went downstairs to check the mail box and found the package tucked under the bushes. Read the phone documentation and plugged it in to charge. Went to learn some Python in the hopes that the phone number would magically present itself to me after charging. Felt like an old man.
Loaded Lightening the Thunderbird calendar application and started adding in people’s birthdays. Watched Attack of the Show. Started playing with all the features of my $1 phone. Had to call to change the area code because 339 isn’t in Massachusetts. Told the lady that I’d send it back before paying a $36 charge for a number they assigned me outside my area code. Got the number changed to something I liked for free. Called #1GF! and determined that the phone has good range at three feet. Messed with it some more. Went to bed.
Got up made the coffee and ate some cereal.
Did some pushups. Faked some one-armed pushups to impress #1GF!.
Sent #1GF! to work.
Read my e-mail, harassed Tankboy and let the folks over at Democracy that I quit my job and could help out more.
Went to the bank and asked for a better interest rate.
Showed up for a haircut a half hour early because I had nothing better to do. Talked to a guy about cars while I waited. Got a 12:00 haircut at 11:30 and the 11:30 showed up and gave me dirty looks like it was a hair salon instead of a barber shop. At a barber shop, a man’s haricut takes 10 minutes, so the guy got his haircut at 11:40. The barber’s grandson was there and kept saying that everything was BoingBoing. Even after hearing it said 400 times about various objects in the shop, I still don’t know what it means. By the end the kid wanted a bagel, so I offered to run next store and grab one for him. On the way out, I asked my barber if he wanted anything. The barber has been cutting my hair the same way for 17 years so there was no way I’d be taking anything for it. The barber thanked me and said no, so I tried to be nice and extend the same offer to the 11:30. But, the 11:30 just shook his head and didn’t even look at me.
Dropped off clothes at Goodwill.
Bought a windshield wiper that has been torn for two weeks.
Went to the library to find a book on Python. Couldn’t find one.
Went to Borders Library and read 30 pages of a $40 book about Python. I hear this is an acceptable practice for the unemployed. Left once the staff started putting away books near me at very regular intervals.
Went food shopping again for stuff I forgot yesterday.
Went to the gym out of sheer boredom. Rode the bike and watched Family Feud.
Took a second shower.
Looked up deals on Father’s day gifts.
Washed the dishes and made dinner.
Watched and episode of “The Shield”.
Logged into my library found out that I could continue reading the $40 Python book online for free.
Wrote this crap and wondered where the hell day 2 went.
Got up, made the coffee. Started cleaning stuff, got bored once everything was in a series of piles. Had a bagel. Got #1GF! out the door to work. Started making a list of stuff that needed to be done. Couldn’t decide whether to brush my teeth or call for a haircut. Wondered why I was debating. Continued debating back and forth and finally opted for the haircut. Read my email. Paid some bills. Showered. Started updating my contacts list. Called a friend and asked him what people without jobs do. He said that I was asking the question two months too early.
I swore it was lunch time. Shut the air off and opened the windows. Talked to parents on the phone while eating an apple. Made more piles. Made myself a sandwich. Closed the windows and turned the air back on. Thought about taking a crap and then farted and gave up on the idea. Decided to go to the supermarket. Opted to go to the market that was 5 miles away rather than 4 miles because the drive is nicer. Wandered around with old people and ladies with kids. Wondered if I was the youngest shopper with a credit card in the store. Wondered why the old people were working and the shoppers weren’t. Wondered if anyone wondered why I wasn’t working.
Brought in the bundles and cleaned the dishes. Caught up on some blogs while listening to my heavy metal high school playlist. Took out the trash. Got the mail. Tracked a package. Submitted a bug for the Democracy Player. Moderated a ton of channels over at their Channel Guide. Started wrestling with Python. Shut of the air and opened the windows again.
Sat for an hour to watch Attack of the Show and have a cup of tea. Did a minimal number of pushups during the commercials.
Moderated more channels. Answered more e-mails. Realized that I somehow just blew through my first day of being a hobo without really relaxing.
Know what my favorite thing about telling people that I quit my job is? It’s the ideas that people feel obligated to throw at me. They usually start with “You know what you should do…”
It’s almost as if they forget that I resigned under good circumstances and am not itching to jump into another job just to pay the bills. Although I may have smiled politely while these were thrown out, I’m have no intention of:
working for Geek Squad,
working at Subway,
working in the cafeteria making sandwiches for my former co-workers,
coming back as everyone’s boss,
being a Baywatch-style lifeguard,
buying a bike-driven ice cream cart,
moving to Sweden,
being a teacher,
becoming a professional gamer,
shearing sheep,
babysitting,
“volunteering with old people”,
or shitting statues that look like Richard Nixon.
I also don’t think that MadTV is in the habit of hiring people just because they can entertain co-workers, although I think that the suggestion that I could just call them up has been my favorite so far.
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