Living proof that stupidity travels faster on the net than the speed of light. RingRingRingRingRingRingRing Bananular phone.

I searched the web last night to find something interesting. After a couple of hours this is what I found:

Ugh.

Wait. I did find ratemyjugs or ratemyboobs or ratemyjubblies or something .com, which held my interest for 5-6 minutes. It was very similar to amIHotOrNot.com but with boobs. If I remember what the hell it was, I’ll post it.

Update (Sept,2005):I never went back and posted the site, but I seem to get a lot of hits from google on this. What you’re looking for is Rate My Boobs.

I read about Skype.com’s beta of a new netphone application in March’s edition of CPU magazine. It is supposed to have better sound quality than a telephone and includes point to point encryption of the transmission. It’s only in beta, but it could same me a ton of dough calling Sweden. If anyone wants to do some testing, let me know.

Weird Beard

I gotta learn how to face it’s gone [it's gone] Oh I [oh I]
I’d pay the devil to replace it, it’s gone [it's gone] Oh I [oh I]
What went wrong?

Hall or Oates (whichever one had that cruddy mustache) probably wrote that one about the loss of his beard. My face looks weird. Stupid fake spring coaxing my beard away.

Perl
Spent the night getting some scripts to run on a machine that was missing some Perl libraries. Nothing like tracking down dependencies. After 3 hours, the scripts now work. The Mr. D and Mr T cams can be resume updates…although with my naked weird face.

QOTSA
is dead. Another casualty on the road from Kyuss town. Crap Hell Crap. (Full Article)

Superjoint Ritual
In my CD player is the heavy Superjoint Ritual (see left). They’ve yelled from my speakers for months, and I hummed along. I just realized I have a solo record that the bass player put out a few years ago entitled “Risin’ Outlaw.” Quite a change in direction…

Ever Wonder?
Ever wonder what strippers talk about when they’re not stripping? Right, neither did I. But if you did, you could find out all you need to know in the StripperWeb Forums. Thanks to the BladeBlogger for pointing out this train wreck…

CD’s
The only person to try to trade CDs with me, merely wanted to buy one. As this was supposed to be a New England Horse Trade, the opportunity existed to dump some crap CD on me. I thought it was a deal. Clean out your collection and give it a go. Take the no talent ass-clown or any others off my hands. Does no one like Frank Black, Keith Sweat, or Lawnmower Deth anymore? I suppose that’s a good thing…

RTFM
While having my rim replaced this weekend, I looked through the glass doors to see the mechanic pounding something with a hammer. I immediately walked into the service bay and inquired if the mechanics were having a problem. Seems that they couldn’t get the center cap of the rim off to balance the wheel, and a hammer was their tool of choice. Given that the center cap is held on by a rubber gasket, no amount of pounding is going to remove it because the gasket uniformly absorbs the shock and actually creates suction.

I stepped up, and with minimal effort, removed the center cap with my thumb using uneven pressure, leaving the mechanics staring at me like monkeys at the monolyth. If I could afford a garage and a tire balancing machine, I would’ve done this all myself.

As this seemed all too easy, just after I left the garage, my engine light came on permanently. Earlier in the day, I had broken out my trusty service manual and determined that the oxygen sensor was failing . The simple act of shorting the service connector, reading the ODB engine codes, and pulling a fuse actually probably saved me $100 in labor. It may have even saved me unneeded repairs had I gone to a disreputable mechanic.

If you have a car and don’t have a service manual, I would suggest picking one up from the dealer. They contain not only all the steps that you can take to troubleshoot any problem with the car, but the steps are exactly as the dealer’s mechanics would do them, without the pesky $75 per hour labor charge. Plus, if you’re a dude, you get to feel like a dude. If you’re a chick, you can dress up in a mechanic’s jumper, grease up, fix my car, and tell me how much I owe you for the repairs in some breathy, heaving sort of way… [sigh]

Anyway, service manuals can be purchased from dealership service departments and run from $20 to $50, but will save you at least that much in labor on your first repair, no matter how minor. I’ve used mine for lights, bumpers, horns, wiring, taking apart the dash, timing, a cold air intake, and now an oxygen sensor. Miles on car: 108,000. Money saved: tons.

You can do the same by simply buying and RTFM.

WTFM
Daypop spit up www.whattorent.com at me today. It’s some sort of automated system to determine what movie you should rent tonight. It starts with a questionnaire, and ends with suggestions of movies you might like. For me, the system picked movies that I thought were ok, with no real big hits, but I find it pretty amazing that a system can find movies that are relatively up my alley.

STFS
It also threw a BBC quiz that involves guessing whether people are really smiling, or merely faking it. There is a trick to it. That trick got me 18/20, and is helpful in spotting those finger-gun shooting bullshit artists in the business world. Good luck.

Amusing
Uncle Patrick?s Advice to Children

Closeout
After receiving shoddy merchandise from CafePress time and time again, I closed the store. If you want any of the designs, I’ll print them on iron ons and you can shove them into cereal boxes for your kids.

In its place I have added the contents of my CD player. One of these days, I’m gonna get my CD pages back up to date. Then, I’m a gonna revamp this tired site. Then, I’m learning Flash and wowing the world.

Please don’t hold your breath.

Big Money
Building the HDPC. If only my car didn’t eat up my cash. Then, I’d build this sucker and um put it near the stereo and totally look at it and stuff. And you’d come over and say stuff like, “Whoa! What’s that cool piece of crud up there in your radio, dood?” And I’d be all like, “It’s only the latest technology to make you fatter than hell by giving you clearer pictures on your TV, my friend. BooYAH!” And you’ll be all like “Whoa. Dood. That’s some awesome crud.”

Bad Day to Weigh 8 lbs.
I tore a hole in one of my new rims this weekend thanks to a Massachusetts pothole. I got one of my old rims on there until the replacement rim that I ordered comes in. That tire is now losing air at a relatively fast rate.

I am not a lucky man when it comes to my 8 year old car.

The one good thing out of this experience is that I got to change my tire. While it’s nothing, it’s nice to work on my car, even if in a very minor way. I actually miss having a fucking driveway and working on it. I’m a little tired of winter and I’m ready to get on with spring and fixing something.

I really need a goddamned project.

Anyway. The only thing that really made me relax a little is the punk-o-matic where I created this:

..which can be loaded into the game by copying and pasting. I just sat there for hours staring at the little punk rockers playing random music.

Network
I picked up a PS2 Network adapter to play games online, figuring the online players might be harder. I won the 1st two races and shut the goddamned thing off. Oh well. The Network adapter seems to have an IDE controller on it, meaning I should be able to install a HD and use it as an MP3 player or some crap. Who knows? Not a very worthwhile project if you ask me…

All work and no projects makes Jon go something something.

Thanks to BladeBlogger, I learned the fine art of Indian movie making. I provided fake e-mail addresses and created Masterpiece.

Top 10 Dangers of Living in the Blog Space

#8

For Your Ears
From a wired news article on file sharing and the record industry:

“As an artist representing an 80-year period of black musicianship, I never felt that my copyrights were protected anyway,” Chuck D said. “I’ve been spending most of my career ducking lawyers, accountants and business executives who have basically been more blasphemous than file sharers and P2P. I trust the consumer more than I trust the people who have been at the helm of these companies.

The record industry is hypocritical and the domination has to be shared. P2P to me means ‘power to the people,’” Chuck D said. “And let’s get this to a balance, and that’s what we’re talking about.”
-Chuck D., PE In Effect.

For Your Brain
The RSVP party game

For Your Hearts (and eyes)
Boobie-thon for breast cancer.

Thanks to a dinner party this weekend, I was introduced to the remakes of old G.I. Joe Public Service announcements. They used to follow the G.I. Joe cartoon and would tell us kids not to play with live wires and how to get off thin ice.

Two things I know: I have been busting a gut about Mr. Body Massage, and women do not seem to find these things funny at all. From various sources:

• Skier
• Nosebleed
• Mr. Body Massage
• Carnival
• Others from Fensler Films

My Letter
Dear George,

Heard your speech last night. Not only did you get us into this Iraq crap, but you went against the will of the world and thumbed your nose at the UN to do it.

Now you want the world to step in and help clean up. You also want 87 Billion dollars from the taxpayers to help rebuild Iraq. In case you haven’t noticed Georgie, people are losing their jobs and going broke. You may not have noticed, as it is happening outside of the White House, and doesn’t involve oil, conquest our cocaine.

So, I guess what I’m saying is me and the world can’t really help you out on this one. This is your war, and your cleanup. Maybe you can ask Daddy to bail you out again.

Good luck.

-Jon

My Night
A friend of mine kept rousting me after I had gone to bed with only garbled messages coming through the phone. I thought that he was in trouble or something and kept calling him back to make sure that everything was ok.

The A-Hole was at the Bruce Springsteen concert. He was just calling me to convince me that it was great.

To him and all the people at work that loooooooove Bruce: You can talk him up all you want. I hate him. You can listen all you want, too. I won’t. You can tell me that I “just don’t understand the Boss.” You can eat buckets of dog shit with peanuts in it, and as much as you tell me it tastes like sweet vanillla ice cream, I’m not going eat any. Do you know why? Because it’s shit. So, Born in the US this, buttholes.

My Day
My Day went like this: I walked in to find signs posted that made me look like an asshole. Then, I found out that even if I wanted to talk to someone about it, I couldn’t as one of the signs originated in my chain of command a couple of levels up. Then, for the rest of the day, people busted my balls going over work that I had already done. I did get to hear a co-worker freak out before I could even think about it, though. That was so worth it.

When you let go a third of the workforce, it’s nice to have a job, but the job will end up sucking when you are ridden and ridden to pick up the slack. But, man what muscles you will gain from lifting all those heavy weights to calm down.

Anyone interested in coming to Montana? I’m leaving as soon as I’m buff and armed…

My Laughter
I needed this today: StealthDisco.com. Look. It’s ok. It might make you happy.

Good and Bad I
I bought a Coke today with a cap that said “Free 20oz Coke.” Free is good.
The Coke was to help relieve a migraine. Migraines are bad.
The cap from the new Coke said “Free 20oz Coke.” Free is good.
Cokes can dissolve a steak in a matter of hours. Internal dissolving is bad.

Good and Bad II
I got a letter from Comcast that stated that what the Comcast salesman sold me as “Basic” cable is really “Basic Extended” cable, and the channels that I have been getting for a year is erroneous. To reinstate the channels that I currently have, it will cost me another $40 per month. Also, “Digital Bronze” has been bumped to “Digital Classic” leaving me with crap for cable channels.

I spent an hour on the phone with Comcast trying to get them to explain to me what they were pulling. There are two options: 1.) The salesman sold me Basic Extended as Basic to get me to sign up, figuring that the company would eventually audit me and figure out their error. Selling me a service that I already have is easier than selling it initially. 2.) Comcast is bullshitting me and changed basic service on me and is upping the price.

In either case, I argued that it was not my problem. I bought a service that I received, and to extort more was unfair. They argued that 2 techs and a salesman were incorrect about allowing the service I was receiving for the price I was paying. Again, not my problem. The best that Comcast could do was to offer to save me $10 off the “Extended Basic” for the next three months. The catch? I have to pay $37 more than I am currently paying from now on.

My take? Fuck Comcast. If I can switch out my phone, I’m going to. If I can switch out my cable, I’m going to. If I could switch internet services, I would. I’m not angry, I’m just not going to have Comcast decide one month that my internet speed is too high, or my phone is too cheap, and extort more money for a service that I have already paid for.

Man, I miss Earthlink.

But, the good thing is that I watch way too much TV anyway. The downgrade will hopefully put me back to the non-TV watching nut that I once was.

Totally Good I
Lockergnome provided this link today, and it is…boom chap…biboom chap…boom boom chap…schwey schewy freeesssshhhh.
Learning to beatbox from humanbeatbox.com.

Totally Good II
My aunt, Mother, and Sister ganged up on me today. That’s bad.
They ganged up on me to get me to write a book. That’s good.
Turning fun into a career always kills fun. That’s bad.
Did you miss “shaving 101″ at the top of the page? It’s been there for months. That’s Good?

Unreal I
Today is the 41st anniversary of the March on Washington. I was getting choked up listening to some of the excerpts from Dr. Martin Luther King’s “I have a Dream” speech on the radio this morning. I almost forgot, but I had to stay up to listen to the entire thing tonight. It’s a powerful reminder that there is no “us” and “them.” There are only those in power, and those whose necks the boots of opression stand. (Listen (7.5 MB) or Read.

Internet Fun I
From the ol’ bladeblogger. It’s Matrix Ping Pong.

Internet Fun II
youmustchoose.com.

Internal Fun I
Tonight was the first night this summer that I had to force myself to leave the windows open in the car. Usually, this end of summer coolness triggers a “back to school” sadness that has followed me from youth to adulthood. Today, it tiggered nothing but a smile. Given some of the small connections that I have made with old friends, and the wonder of the realtionship with my woman, everything seems to be continually looking up.

Plus, I’ve been watching a lot of porno.

d’Artagnan
Conan O’ Brien put all the Triumph The Sock Dog videos online. Finally. No more hunting. Bon Jovi. Star Wars. Hollywood Squares. If you haven’t seen these, I feel bad for you, but at least the poop is now in one handy location for you to enjoy.

Porthos
It seems the Japanese are getting into doing it in public. A friend of mine is always walking his dog around town and enjoying conversations with other dog owners. According to the article:

“We’ve got a dog and it’s my job to take it for a walk in a park near our home. There’s a hunk of a university student who walks his dog there, too. Our dogs became buddies, so we exchanged e-mail addresses. I sent him a message one night saying that I would be taking my dog for a walk at 10 and asked him to join me. When he said he would, I knew that I’d get him in my clutches,” a 36-year-old housewife tells Shukan Taishu, adding that she has always liked younger men but the presence of her small children prevents her from going out on the town at nights. “We had our first liaison behind a shed in the park. We didn’t go all the way…I just serviced him orally. It’s become so much fun taking the dog for a walk recently.”

Maybe Palatzo should be walking his in Japan. Yea, baby. Grrrrr.

Aramis
Two in one day. I found this other article about an Albanian couple making whoopie during rush hour. My buddy Aramis left for New York City to be with his dream girl. She’s well educated, tall, quite nice, and rather easy on the eyes. She also happens to be Albanian. I thought I understood before, but now I get it. Double Yea, baby. Grrrr (in the most respectful way, of course).

Athos
If you happen to have a wild night of sex, be sure to ask your partner how much you owe them when you wake up. Women appreciate when a man appreciates them.

If they say jokingly, “Just leave it on the table,” then leave some. Women appreciate a man that listens to them.

When determining how much to leave, don’t leave too much. You don’t want her to think that you think that she really is a hooker. Women appreciate not being made to feel like hookers.

Leave an amount that has significance in some way or another. You could leave $52: one dollar for every week of the year that you love her. Or maybe you could leave $12.25, which says to her, “Baby, last night was like Christmas!” Or, you could just leave $3.16. Women love this. It’s not too much, it’s not too little, and it makes them think of that whimsical guy in the crowd at football games that paints his body blue and holds up the John 3:16 card. That guy’s passionate. Women love that guy. You’ll be a hit.

Remember though, you will not be a hit if you talk to her the next day and ask her how much is left on your tab. Women do not like this.

I guess women prefer to talk about more interesting topics than math. Triple Grrrr, baby!

Reconstructed
Blogger took a poo poo and lost half this post. I reconstructed the best I could, but I know I forgot something….

A Bunch of Crap
“How to waste the night” by Jon Dyer…
chat room short hand (pic)
Lord of the Rings Trailer (movie) with Jack Black as “Jack the elf”
Poor Kitty (movie)
Not a good friend (pic)
Love in the White House (movie)
MIT geeks + pee = wasted tuition (movie)

Happy Birthday, Joe.
Many happy returns. Now, update your blog once and a while.

999,999 to Go
Palatzo bought a dyers.org T-shirt, the silly bastard. He is now the first offical member of my cult, and my first walking billboard. He will also be made head bartender at the dyers.org Brew House once I sell a few more. Considering I don’t make any money of the sales, it could be a while.

I also put up another shirt design for recyclers and stinkin’ hippies. Actually, I created this logo for my sister last Christmas as a gift, so it’s technically hers. You’ll have to buy them before she sues for copyright infringement. I have all the designs in the T-shirt shop (left column) on my PC if anyone wants an iron on…

Look, Valentine’s is Friday. You don’t have to be that guy walking with that girl that’s holding the single rose that the rest of the world really, really wants to kick in the nuts, nor do you have to be that guy wearing black and protesting Valentine’s, that well, yea, we also want to kick in the nuts.

It doesn’t have to be a Cataluna crap fest, and it doesn’t have to go as far as a submission to daretosing.com, (E.g. Rocket Man on Drugs). It doesn’t have to be expensive. It doesn’t have to be fancy. You don’t have to get rooked by the doubled prices for dinner, flowers, cards and candy. No. You can get creative somehow, and give a thoughtful gift. Maybe you make the candy. Maybe you plan naked burrito night, or plan an indoor picnic. Maybe you grab some cheap tickets to Iceland for the price you would’ve paid for dinner. Maybe you hit up the local porn store and buy out the leather rack. It’s up to you. Just don’t do the rose thing. It’s been done.

Over…
And over…
And over…

Save the flower thing for a normal day. Dropping a bunch of flowers on her on a Thursday will be more appreciated than a dozen roses on Valentine’s. It’s not hard, either. There are probably 2 flower stores on your way home (if you live together) and 4 on the way to her house (if you live apart). At minimum, there are supermarkets everywhere, and sometimes the flowers are damned good. Dropping flowers on her unexpectedly at regular intervals, might even get her to buy out the leather rack. Meow, catwoman. Me-ow.

The best courtship rule of thumb that I have heard comes from the movie, Finding Forrester, which simply states, “Give unexpected gifts at unexpected times.”

Or, if you happen to be alone this year, you can put all of her shit in a big pile, imitate the Catalunans, and then set it ablaze. You can warm your body and your heart all at once. Ahhh. Then, you spend your joint account here, here, or here.

Look, I really don’t know where this is going. I just wanted to feature the poop statues and the singing junkie, so sue me. The end.

It’s the end of an era, so put your goals on hold, and watch a little Kung fu.

Happy Birthday!

…To my beard. It’s 3 months old today, and it’s showing its age. I can’t wait until it’s old enough to get me a Santa gig, or to tuck into my belt.

Games, Baby

Can you name that tune in 3 notes? Some are German songs, so this can be tricky. I don’t know how it is on slow connections.

Back when video games were called arcade games, one of my favorites was a game called Tempest You swirled around the outside of a web shooting stuff in to the middle. One of my recent favorites of online games involves making groups of three or more marbles, rubber balls, apples, whatever, to make them disappear before the time runs out. (See Bounce Out for an example). Well, I just came across a game that combines the Tempest and Bounce out, called W.R.A.X. It’s not too hard, and a real time waster.

And Finally…
When trying to explain to a Protestant coworker who Martin Luther was (You know, the FOUNDER of Protestantism?), I came across Martin Luther’s final words to his wife as he lay dying,

“I am fed up with the world, and it with me. I am like a ripe stool, and the world is like a gigantic anus, and so we’re about to let go of each other.”
-Martin Luther

My mother said “Va Fa Napole” to me last night. I had never heard the expression, but it literally means “Go to Naples, and translates loosely to “Go to hell.” It sounds like BAFA NABLA.

Now go put on a you good pants, you ribbed a tank a top and read the Mafia Talk for Dummies.

Fughetaboutit!

Stephen Hawking, the brilliant physicist who brought quantum mechanics to the masses, now brings the power to the people through his lyrical style. See mchawking.com to put a dope smile on your grill. Word.

Rich needs a link to a good super-spy movie from space. Go go, RoboBobo! “Destruction the America, Now!“

Jack needs a little Privacy. The article says that he can’t get any, and how Big brother is going to watch him and make him listen to Yanni until he’s a complacent, unobtrusive jello mold, preferably circular.

Jon needed to play some Kyuss. So he detuned down two full steps and tore the roof of of his den. Ahhhhhh…Nonthing like a lot of rock to make a body feel good. Well, maybe a vacation is better. A vacation with Kyuss, perhaps. Yea. That’s it. A vacation with Kyuss would be much better. Where I’m in the band. And no one thinks I suck. No WAY. I’m in the band because I’m good, not because it’s my dream and I call the shots. Oh, and everyone says, “Dude (they’re rock stars), we can fix our own computers. You focus on the rock. It’s what you do best.” And I’m like .oO(Yea that is what I do best). And then John Garcia brings me a ham sandwich, and Josh Homme knocks it out of his hands and gives me a ham and swiss. And I would be like “Guys, don’t fight. I can eat two sandwiches.” And they’d shake hands and thank me for settling their argument.

Yea, maybe that would be better.

I went to a bar last night with a friend, to meet a couple more friends and hang around. We canvassed the bar when we got there, and the people we were supposed to meet were not there. We did meet another friend unexpectedly, which was really cool. After three hours of waiting and hanging, we decided to call it a night. As we were walking out the door…

…we saw the people that we were supposed to meet sitting 10 feet away.

Did I mention that I am a genius? And observant?

In the course of the evening J mentioned that he hadn’t heard the Mike Tyson fiasco from a couple of days ago. Here is a link to a good editorial, and transcript. It is not for the weak. It is for the Ultimate men, only…

If you haven’t seen Star Dudes, Bad Dudes Strike Back, or Return of the Dude, you should check them out.

Or waste some time at Useless Pages…

Don’t even ask me about Barber Kent::”Every guy should get a mohawk and have his head shaved at least once in his lifetime..

C’mon It’s Friday…

Man, life as a pimp is not as easy as it looks! You try finding a purple suit and a matching purple hat. It ain’t easy my friend…

Ok, so I have nothing today.

I’m keeping my promise of keeping this thing going, but I’m in a really odd mood. I can easily describe it as “lazily impatient”. I think that means that I want 200 things completed by tomorrow, but I want to hire someone to take care of them for me. Maybe I could I hire this dude.

Although he probably spits in everything.

I need to relax and focus on the moment, but maybe I can do that later on. I’ll put it on my calendar with a 15 minute reminder. Or plan a meeting around it. Or formulate an action plan for said focus. Or, maybe I’ll put it on one of my thousands of lists…

…and throw it in the wash with the rest of them.

I need funny today. Funny: strange, funny: haha. No matter. Bring it on.

I also need cookies. Cheap, vanilla cookies. Oh, and milk. lots of milk. And a nap. And a flying car. And I want those cookies in pill form. And a robot maid. Hey, yea, wait a sec, there. Where the hell are those flying cars that we were supposed to have by now? It’s 2002 already. We’re way behind schedule. Reagan brought in Big Brother in ‘84 like he was supposed to, so some president must’ve taken the flying car budget and blown it on coke and hookers…

Damn him…and his saxamaphone.

Anyway, I found a load of funny after being introduced to www.daypop.com. I included some of the choice links, but you should explore it when you have time…

Kung-fu Stick Fighter 5
Hindu baby’s god-like tail
Which video game character are you?
Watch this and see if you see it in under 30 seconds…

There are also a lot of really funny short films at Atomfilms. I found this one amusing, but there are hundreds, if not thousands when you have some time to kill.

If you find anything good, be sure to let me know. I’ll be napping or staring out the window at where my flying car should be parked.