Yesterday, I mentioned that Stormtroopers were way more awesome than ninjas, yet some of you refused to believe it. Since it has somehow turned into Stormtrooper week here at dyers.org, we’re going to have a little 10 point showdown to prove once and for all who reigns supreme: Stormtroopers or Ninjas.
Put your weapons aside and let’s get this showdown started…
Sole Purpose for Existence
Stormtroopers:
To serve the Emperor.
Ninjas:
To cause social chaos in enemy territory to benefit their feudal ruler.
Conclusion:
The Imperial Emperor can shoot lightening from his fingers and you think it’s a better life goal to serve some feudal lord who can do nothing cooler than thoughtfully stroke his bad 70’s mustache? Are you kidding? Do you know what kind of awesome it takes to get lightening to shoot from your fingertips? No? Well, it’s a lot more than just losing your razor, that’s for sure.
Winner: Stormtroopers
Governing Effects
Stormtrooper Effect:
The bad guys are always lousy shots in the movies.
Inverse Ninja Law:
The strength of any one ninja is inversely proportional to the number of Ninjas assisting. One ninja is deadly, but 100 can be easily defeated by one man.
Conclusion
Whether the rule implies that you are a notoriously lousy shot or that you are less powerful in a group, having rules like these named after you is never a good thing.
Winner: Tie
Training
Stormtroopers:
Clones are removed from the hatchery and delivered to their trainers when they reach five years old. There they are trained as professional soldiers to obey their officers without question or regard to their personal safety.
Ninjas:
Ninjas are not trained as full-time professional soldiers, but they are trained from an early age in martial arts, assassination, and guerrilla warfare. Ninja training is tailored to the individual.
Conclusion
Touchy, feely, sneaky assassination training or genetically engineered, full-time killing machine training? Hmm. Let’s see. That’s a tough choice.
Winner: Stormtroopers
Easily Pwned By
Stormtroopers:
Easily defeated by Ewoks.
Ninjas:
Easily defeated by pirates.
Conclusion:
Getting defeated by someone in a puffy shirt, tight pants, and thigh-high boots is pretty shameful, but if you get defeated by a bunch of two foot tall, jungle teddy bears, you automatically and deservedly lose this category. Jub jub.
Winner: Ninjas
Transportation
Stormtroopers:
AT-AT, speeder bike, Dewback, and any laser toting, light speed capable vehicle the Imperial Empire has at it’s disposal.
Ninjas:
Horses, walking, short distance flying
Conclusion
I will admit that flying onto the rooftops is pretty cool, but its relatively useless when compared to the sheer variety of heavily armed transportation available to the average Stormtrooper. I mean, sure, Ninjas can fly up to the rooftop… assuming a Stormtrooper doesn’t blow it up before they land.
Winner: Stormtroopers
Headgear
Stormtroopers:
The Comtech Series IV Helmet has night vision, polarizing lenses, three phase sonic filtering, a multi-frequency targeting system, a comlink for instant communication with other units, and it filters chemical and biological agents from the air.
Ninjas:
Two three-foot cloths are tied around the head.
Conclusion
Wait did that just say two pieces of cloth? I was on the fence because I thought it said one piece. That extra piece of cotton can make all the difference when your enemies nail you in the squash. The clear winner is nin…
Winner: Stormtroopers
Clothing
Stormtroopers:
Full body metallic battle armor designed to disperse the energy of a blaster bolt over an insulating, temperature-controlled body suit. The armor contains a built in resonator to open secure doors and the backplate contains twenty minutes of emergency oxygen.
Ninjas:
Black cotton pants, split-toed tabi boots, and a jacket with overlapping lapels and a secret inside pocket.
Conclusion:
Whoa! Secret inside pocket? That’s awesome! I wonder if they can fit their little ninja purses in there.
Winner: Stormtroopers
Stealth
Stormtroopers:
Noisy enough that your deaf grandma can hear their clanking armor from four clicks away.
Ninjas:
Quick! Look behind you! Did you miss him? That’s how silent ninjas are.
Conclusion:
Look, we just got through telling you how awesome all that Stormtrooper armor is, and that awesomeness comes with small price called stealth. So, Ninjas win a category because they’re sneaky little babies. So, what?
Winner: Ninjas
Weapon of Choice
Stormtroopers:
The E-11 blaster is a liquid cooled, 1.4 ft long laser rifle capable of shooting a tightly focused particle beam a maximum of 383 yards. It fires 100 shots without reloading.
Ninjas:
The ninja’s primary weapon is the ninjaken, or short sword. It’s about 20 inches long and so sharp that you can cut tin cans in half and still slice through a tomato. Or so they say.
Conclusion:
So, my choice is a 20 inch range with a knife or almost four football fields with some sort of laser beam? Oh, that’s a tough one.
Winner: Stormtroopers
Secondary Equipment
Stormtroopers:
High-tension wire, two grappling hooks, four blaster power packs, three ion flares, a concentrated ration bar, a spare comlink, three water packs, two medpacks, two blast energy sinks, a glow rod, and a cylindrical thermal detonator.
Ninjas:
Smoke bombs, firecrackers, nunchucks, throwing stars, hand claws, foot spikes, hidden daggers, grappling hooks, throwing knives, bow and arrow, poison darts, iron spikes, and tridents.
Conclusion:
While I’m certainly a fan of both firecrackers and nunchucks, can they really compare to a Stormtrooper pack? Say you get lucky one day and capture a ninja. Know what he’ll do? He’ll stick his sword in his gut so you can’t question him. Pretty dramatic stuff, right? And you get all his firecrackers. Know what a Stormtrooper does when you capture him? He clicks that button on his personal thermal detonator and blows up everyone and everything within a few yards… including you. Captor neutralized. It’s all about effective secondary equipment.
Winner: Stormtroopers
And The Winner is… Stormtroopers
What a blowout! The Stormtroopers dominated the contest, showing themselves to be far superior to the average Ninja. Maybe it’s time that G4 drops Ninja Warrior and starts up a far superior program called “Stormtrooper Warrior”.
If you find you have points that I may have missed, kick up the debate in the comments.
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