If you still have your MaBeGroMo beard, you have earned the right to call yourself “MaBeGroMo Champion” for another year. Be proud, young man, for you have earned one of the few awards available for excellence in bearding.

Whether you run off and pawn your award or continue your pursuit is now up to you. Just make sure you get some good pictures if you decide to shave it off.

We’ll see you next December for MaBeGromo V.

Until then, happy bearding.

Share, Bookmark, or E-Mail This Article

Congratulations!

Right now, you’re probably at the point where you unconsciously rub your beard or mustache to help you through tough decisions. Well, one is upon you: Do you take a picture of your beard and trek back through the snow to civilization, or do you make the run at the “MaBeGroMo Champion” title?

Before you decide, give you’re beard a good rub and look over this list. If any of the following apply, you might not be ready to give up that beard just yet.

You May Not Want To Give Up Your Beard If…

• More than fifty percent of your vocabulary has devolved into well-timed grunts and staring,
• You spend a lot of time battling Sauron,
• You can’t remember how it started, but you’ve been wearing an animal skull as a hat for a while now,
• You wake up in home improvement stores a lot more than you used to,
• You’ve started wearing a lot of flannel and feel like there isn’t a lot that can’t be solved with the swing of an axe,
• You really draw out your R’s and claim to be married to the sea,
• You’ve started wearing a robe and gathering a following,
• People have started calling you “Professor” and asking you to interpret sexually charged dreams,
• You’re running out of hiding places for all the animal carcasses,
• A day doesn’t go by that you’re not throwing lightning bolts and siring other gods,
• You’re stressed out about having only 364 days before all the toys have to be ready.

Will You Continue On?

If any of the preceding points describe your current lifestyle, you might want to consider participating in the extended MaBeGroMo challenge, which closes on February 14th. Not only will your protected jowls thank you when Old Man Winter throws piles of snow at you over the next few months, but you’ll also earn the title of “MaBeGroMo Champion”. And in this economy, anything that can add an extra line to your resume and keep you from wearing a ski mask can’t be all that bad.

If this is the end of the line for you, thanks for joining in. We hope to see you next winter for MaBeGroMo 5. If you’re continuing on, we’ll send a search party out for you in six weeks.

Good luck everyone. Thanks for participating, and happy bearding.

More information about beards can be found on my beard page.

Share, Bookmark, or E-Mail This Article

Check out Beard Shaving 2009 so that you too can see why it’s better that I don’t have a boss.

The Quest For Every Beard Type

Due to the requirements for an in-production beard based short film (and pure pogonotrophic laziness), a mere two new styles were accomplished and added to The Quest for Every Beard Type. The total number of beards completed rises to 27 out of 36.

Share, Bookmark, or E-Mail This Article

The fifth annual MaBeGroMo starts today.

Thirty days of no-shave earns you a “participant” title, and those completing the full 75 day extended challenge may rightfully claim the title of “MaBeGroMo Champion.”

Banners and Badges

If you’d like to advertise your participation in Mabegromo, or simply show support for those making the migration, there are three Mabegromo banners available for you to download and put on your site this month:

240×120

125×125

120×80

Good luck. Hopefully, I’ll see the new, badass version of you in thirty days.

Happy bearding.

Share, Bookmark, or E-Mail This Article

“i was digging on your site, and i thought maybe you would appreciate the poem i just wrote about the joys and challenges of having a beard.”

I’m always grateful that people will take the time to send me beard related stuff, but this guy was asking me to look at a poem. Sure, it was about a beard, but still. Poetry? I was torn between my love for beards driving me to click, and the thought of being reacquainted with the mind-numbing curse of iambic pentameter holding my finger at bay.

I put aside my latest revisions of Life of Riley Week 100, and stared at the e-mail as if some cosmic regex would suddenly appear and devour the word “poem” and replace it with something I had a better chance at enjoying, such as “epic metal saga” or even “clever geek humor based comic”. Sadly, no such words appeared.

I sighed, threw on my two dollar headphones, and twisted up my face in preparation for what I was sure would be a coffee shop poetry reading to an audience full of waif like creatures who wore tiny glasses and had propensities toward giant, ratty scarves that didn’t fit them or the weather. I imagined them snapping their long, thin fingers at the end of the performance in place of applause. Before the thought of the clove filled air could give me a headache, I opened the video.

Within the first thirteen seconds of the start of Big Poppa E’s poem, I accidentally shot a fist in the air and burst out laughing. I was glad that I was alone in my office and that the blinds facing the neighbor’s house were closed, so that no one knew that I had involuntarily lost my cool. I’m only telling you this because we’re all friends here, and I wanted to head off the wave of e-mails letting me know that some errant system error had dropped another couple of XP from my profile in the game of life.

Now, instead of allowing yet another droplet to evaporate from the spoonful of cool that I have been allotted in life, Eirik could’ve warned me what I was in for. Eirik, aka Big Poppa E, is a touring, professional slam poetry performer who has appeared on HBO’s Def Poetry three times. Check out the video, and lets see if Eirik can get you to lose a couple of XP yourself.

Beardo: Slam Poetry From Big Poppa E

For more Big Poppa E videos, check out Why I Got Fired From Apple, Falling in Like, and Poem for a Friend. Further information can be found on Big Poppa E’s website, brokenword.org.

Share, Bookmark, or E-Mail This Article

As Liz Lemon steps off the elevator, Kenneth the page says, “Oh, you’re back. I guess I’m not in charge anymore.” He then pulls a sign off the wall:

Sunufa.

You can watch the The Funcooker episode of 30 Rock on Hulu.

Share, Bookmark, or E-Mail This Article

The 2008 beard shaving pictures never made it to the web as a set, but after receiving a couple of e-mails asking where they were, I figured that I should get them out before the 2009 pictures came due.

If you miss the strange little stories that accompany the annual beard shaving sets, the bearded mountain man returns once again as Thaddeus B. Butterworth in Beard Shaving 2008.

Shaving sets from other years can be found on my beard page.

Share, Bookmark, or E-Mail This Article

It’s now February 14th, and if you still have your MaBeGroMo beard, you have earned the right to call yourself “MaBeGroMo Champion”. Be proud, young man, for you have done more than was required and earned one of the few awards available for excellence in bearding.

If you earned a MaBeGroMo Championship title this year, I put together a little MaBeGroMo Champion award for you.

You can copy and paste the code for one of the icons below to your site to let people know exactly which side of the bearded line you’re on. If you put the award on your resume, just let me know first so I can put together a little something to make you sound like you’re a bigger beardmaster than the boys in ZZ Top.

We’ll see you next December for MaBeGromo 2010: A Beard Odyssey.

Until then, happy bearding.

MabeGroMo Champion Award For Light Backgrounds:

I’m a Mabegromo Champion

Copy this code for light backgrounds:
<a href="http://www.dyers.org/blog/archives/2009/02/14/mabegromo-champion-awards/" title="Mabegromo Champion"><img src="http://www.dyers.org/images/200902/mabegromo-champion-coin-light.jpg" alt="Mabegromo Champion coin" /></a><BR />I’m a <a href="http://www.dyers.org/blog/archives/2009/02/14/mabegromo-champion-awards/" title="Mabegromo Champion">Mabegromo</a> Champion

MabeGroMo Champion Award For Dark Backgrounds:

I’m a Mabegromo Champion

Copy this code for dark backgrounds:
<a href="http://www.dyers.org/blog/archives/2005/11/16/mabegromo/" title="Mabegromo Champion"><img src="http://www.dyers.org/images/200902/mabegromo-champion-coin-dark.jpg" alt="Mabegromo Champion coin" /></a><BR />I’m a <a href="http://www.dyers.org/blog/archives/2009/02/14/mabegromo-champion-awards/" title="Mabegromo Champion">Mabegromo</a> Champion

Share, Bookmark, or E-Mail This Article

Happy bearding. I’ll see the new, badass version of you in a month.

Share, Bookmark, or E-Mail This Article

Most of the songs lean toward the heavier side of the scale, but if you’re growing a 70′s, peace-loving beard to nest tiny woodland creatures in, I threw a few tracks for you, too. So, let’s get some cold air on your face and music into those ears, and let’s get those whiskers on the outside where they belong.

All the songs included either mention facial hair or are performed by bands with one or more bearded members. Yes, ZZ Top is in there even though they’re included in every musical beard list ever.

If you have track suggestions, be sure to throw them in the comments, and a full track listing (with explanations) is included below.

Enjoy!

All 66+ Tracks on Beards By Playlist (And Their Explanations)

1. “A Bid Farewell (Album Version)”
   by Killswitch Engage
   The End Of Heartache
   Reason: Justin Foley (drums) has a beard.
2. “Ace of Spades”
   by Motorhead
   Ace Of Spades
   Reason:Lemmy Kilmister has a badass pair of friendly chops.
3. “Aqualung”
   by Jethro Tull
   ‘M.U.’ The Best of Jethro Tull
   Reason: Lyrics refer to an icy beard.
4. “Attack of the Dungeon Witch”
   by He Is Legend
   Suck Out The Poison
   Reason: Schuylar Croom (vocals) has a beard
5. “Beard And Wifebeater”
   by Endeavor
   Constructive Semantics
   Reason:Title
6. “Black Leather Mustache”
   by CABLE
   Last Call
   Reason: Title
7. “Blood On Our Hands”
   by Death From Above 1979
   You’re A Woman, I’m A Machine
   Reason: Jesse F. Keeler (bass/synth) has a beard
8. “Bomber”
   by Motorhead
   No Sleep ‘Til Hammersmith
   Reason:Lemmy Kilmister has a badass pair of friendly chops.
9. “Born With a Beard”
   by Supe & the Sandwiches
   the Springfield Chronicles
   Reason: Title
10. “Burning Beard”
    by Clutch
    Robot Hive / Exodus
    Reason: DOUBLE WHAMMY! Title + Neil Fallon (vocals) has a badass beard
11. “By The Beard Of Zeus (Album Version)”
    by Red I Flight
    The Years
    Reason: Title
12. “Catamaran”
    by Bear Vs. Shark
    Terrorhawk
    Reason: A couple of the band members have beards.
13. “Crush The Skull”
    by Unleashed
    Shadows In The Deep / Across The Open Sea
    Reason: lyrics mention a beard.
14. “Crystal Skull”
    by Mastodon
    Blood Mountain
    Reason: Both Brent Hinds (guitar) and Troy Sanders (vocals/bass) have beards.
15. “Easy Tiger”
    by Every Time I Die
    Gutter Phenomenon
    Reason: Andy Williams (guitar) has a beard
16. “Family Tradition”
    by Hank Williams, Jr.
    Hank Williams, Jr.’s Greatest Hits
    Reason: Hank has an outlaw beard.
17. “Fire It Up”
    by Black Label Society
    Radio Single
    Reason: Zakk Wylde has an insane beard.
18. “Gentle On My Mind”
    by Glen Campbell
    The Very Best Of Glen Campbell
    Reason:lyrics mention a beard
19. “Granite State Destroyer (Album Version)”
    by Scissorfight
    New Hampshire
    Reason: Ironlung (vocals) has a massive beard and a bald head.
20. “Hat And Beard (Rudy Van Gelder 24Bit Mastering)”
    by Eric Dolphy
    Out To Lunch (The Rudy Van Gelder Edition)
    Reason: Title
21. “Have Fun”
    by The Beautiful South
    Blue Is The Colour
    Reason: The lyric “You should grow a beard” is true.
22. “Heatseeker”
    by Valient Thorr
    Legend Of The World
    Reason: Every member of the band has a massive beard with the exception of Eidan Thorr.
23. “I Got Mine”
    by The Black Keys
    Attack & Release
    Reason: Dan Auerbach (vocals/guitar) had a beard.
24. “Holland, 1945″
    by Neutral Milk Hotel
    In The Aeroplane Over The Sea
    Reason:Scott Spillane (horns) has a pretty massive Amish style beard.
25. “I Know”
    by Barenaked Ladies
    Born on a Pirate Ship
    Reason: Lyrics mention a scary guy with a beard.
26. “I’d Have to Be Crazy”
    by Willie Nelson
    Willie Nelson’s Greatest Hits (And Some That Will Be)
    Reason:Double WHAMMY! Willie has a beard, and the song lyrics reference a beard
27. “In Regards to Myself”
    by Underoath
    Define The Great Line
    Reason: Tim McTague (guitar) has a beard
28. “Jessica”
    by The Allman Brothers Band
    Brothers and Sisters
    Reason: Gregg Allman’s long standing beardedness.
29. “Kyle From Incantation Has A Mustache”
    by A/C
    I Like It When You Die
    Reason: Well, he does.
30. “La Grange”
    by ZZ Top
    Armageddon (Soundtrack)
    Reason: Most famous beards in rock.
31. “Leave The Biker (LP Version)”
    by Fountains of Wayne
    Fountains of Wayne
    Reason:Lyrics mention crumbs in a beard from the seafood special.
32. “Love My Lips”
    by Veggie Tales
    Veggie Tunes 2
    Reason: In the lyrics, Aunt Ruth had a beard.
33. “Mambo Sun (Album Version)”
    by T. Rex
    Electric Warrior
    Reason: lyric “I got stars in my beard.”
34. “March Of The Fire Ants”
    by Mastodon
    Remission
    Reason: Both Brent Hinds (guitar) and Troy Sanders (vocals/bass) have beards.
35. “Metal Gods”
    by Judas Priest
    British Steel
    Reason: Ian Hill (bass) had a beard. Yes, he did. Look it up.
36. “Midnight Rider”
    by The Allman Brothers Band
    A Decade Of Hits 1969-1979
    Reason: Gregg Allman’s long standing beardedness.
37. “Mustache T.V. (Album Version)”
    by Atom And His Package
    Attention! Blah Blah Blah
    Reason: Title
38. “My Beard”
    by Shel Silverstein
    Where The Sidewalk Ends
    Reason: Title
39. “Now You’ve Got Something To Die For”
    by Lamb Of God
    Ashes Of The Wake
    Reason: Mark Morton (guitar) has a beard.
40. “Open Up The Border”
    by Clutch
    Pure Rock Fury
    Reason: Neil Fallon (vocals) has a badass beard
41. “Overkill”
    by Motorhead
    Overkill
    Reason:Lemmy Kilmister has a badass pair of friendly chops.
42. “Portobello Road”
    by Cat Stevens
    On The Road To Find Out
    Reason: Lyrics and performer.
43. “Push It”
    by Static-X
    Wisconsin Death Trip
    Reason: Wayne Static has a beard
44. “Raining Blood”
    by Slayer
    Reign In Blood
    Reason: Kerry King’s Van Dyke outsizes most beards.
45. “Razor Burn”
    by Lagwagon
    Hoss
    Reason: Lyrics and Title
46. “Red in Tooth and Claw”
    by Rosetta
    Wake/Lift
    Reason: Bruce McMurtrie Jr. (drums) is bearded.
47. “Rezerection”
    by Valient Thorr
    Legend Of The World
    Reason: Every member of the band has a massive beard with the exception of Eidan Thorr.
48. “Rip Van Winkle (LP Version)”
    by The Devotions
    Doo Wop Classics, Vol. 8
    Reason: Rip Van Winkle had a massive beard.
49. “Rip Van Winkle”
    by Witch
    Witch
    Reason: Rip Van Winkle had a massive beard.
50. “Saddle Up”
    by Viking Skull
    Born In Hell
    Reason: Waldie (bass) has a beard.
51. “Salivation”
    by Burn The Priest
    Burn The Priest
    Reason: Reason: Mark Morton (guitar) has a beard.
52. “South Of Heaven”
    by Slayer
    South Of Heaven
    Reason: Kerry King’s Van Dyke outsizes most beards.
53. “Strange Times”
    by The Black Keys
    Attack & Release

    Reason: Dan Auerbach (vocals/guitar) had a beard.

54. “Take This Oath (Album Version)”
    by Killswitch Engage
    The End Of Heartache
    Reason: Justin Foley (drums) has a beard
55. “The Birthing”
    by Baroness
    Red Album
    Reason: John Dyer Baizley (vocals) is bearded.
56. “The Girlie Had A Mustache”
    by DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince
    And In This Corner…
    Reason: Title and lyrics. Slick Willie style.
57. “The Gruesome Death of Edward Teach (Album Version)”
    by Scissorfight
    New Hampshire
    Reason: DOUBLE WHAMMY!: Ironlung (vocals) has a huge beard, and Edward Teach is otherwise remembered as Blackbeard.
58. “The King of the Carrot Flowers Pt. 1″
    by Neutral Milk Hotel
    In The Aeroplane Over The Sea
    Reason: Scott Spillane (horns) has a pretty massive Amish style beard.
59. “The Lime Green Net”
    by Valient Thorr
    Legend Of The World
    Reason: Every member of the band has a massive beard with the exception of Eidan Thorr.
60. “The New Black”
    by Every Time I Die
    Gutter Phenomenon
    Reason: Andy Williams (guitar) has a beard.
61. “The Ripper”
    by Judas Priest
    The Essential Judas Priest
    Reason: Ian Hill (bass) had a beard. Yes, he did. Look it up.
62. “The Seduction”
    by He Is Legend
    I Am Hollywood
    Reason: Schuylar Croom (vocals) has a beard.
63. “Thrash Unreal (Album Version)”
    by Against Me!
    New Wave
    Reason: Two band members have beards.
64. “Turned Inside Out [Reissue] [with intro effect]”
    by Obituary
    The Best Of Obituary
    Reason: Donald Tardy and Trevor Peres both had beards.
65. “Tush”
    by ZZ Top
    The Best of ZZ Top
    Reason: Most famous beards in rock.
66. “Waitin’ for the Bus”
    by ZZ Top
    The Best of ZZ Top
    Reason: Most famous beards in rock.
67. “Warning: Perfect Sideburns Don’t Make You Dangerous”
    by Crime In Stereo
    Explosives and the Will To Use Them
    Reason: Title
68. “Weird Beard”
    by Fu Manchu
    King of the Road
    Reason: Just an awesome song. Oh and the title. And lyrics.
69. “Well All Right!”
    by The Hives
    The Black and White album
    Reason: Lyrics mention trying to grow a beard.
70. “Wishbone”
    by Clutch
    The Elephant Riders
    Reason: Neil Fallon (vocals) is the balls.

Share, Bookmark, or E-Mail This Article

You’re not dressed like Ralph Macchio, but you find yourself sitting in the middle of a dusty crossroad. You check your watch like you always do when the world around you lacks stability. It’s November 1st and it’s morning. I guess that’s something.

To your right, the road degrades into a stony path that leads to the abandoned mansion of the November Beard Club. To your left, the road vanishes into fields and sunshine. Something in the air vaguely smells like hope. In front of you, way in the distance, you see a man who seems to be smiling and waiting. You can’t tell if he’s giving you the finger or throwing you the horns.

Which path do you take?

If you go to the right and explore the ancient rights of November Beard Club, turn to page 147.

If it seems safer just to stand still and wait for rescue, turn to page 69.

Share, Bookmark, or E-Mail This Article

3. From Cheap And Dirty

This made me want to make up a t-shirt.

2. From The Comments From My Recent Run on Digg

I’m glad I’m not the only one with dreams…

1. From The MusicScene Forums

[facepalm]

Share, Bookmark, or E-Mail This Article

Jon,

I’ve been working on my beard, but the longer hairs tend to go in the wrong direction once they get more than an inch long. Is it natural for longer facial hair to grow at an angle?

Thanks.

I have to admit that I laughed when I first got this e-mail, because even though I get a good portion of my traffic from beard related posts, I don’t consider myself to be an authority on beards. I am, however, someone who has grown a decent number of beards over the years despite a distinct lack of natural beard growing ability. Maybe there are some men out there who were born to grow perfect beards, but for most of us, getting a beard to look halfway normal takes a little bit of effort.

As I typed up a quick response, I realized that although my suggestions were pretty basic, they were the result of years of trial and error, and might be beneficial to other guys whose natural ability is throwing roadblocks onto their roads to beardedness. If you have a problem with an unruly beard (or know someone who does), here are 7 tips that should help to get those renegade patches back under control. And they require only a little more effort to implement than growing the beard itself

7 Ways To Train A Naturally Unruly Beard

1. Wait It Out: Ever get a whiffle and then try to convert back to your regular hair cut? There’s a two week period where you have the puffy headed look of a Monchichi, and there isn’t a damn thing that you can do about it. All you can do is wait for the hair to grow long enough that it falls into place from its own weight. Your beard can enter transition periods, too, and if you’re particularly lucky, the issues work themselves out on their own. This isn’t the most reliable way to get a beard back into place, but it certainly requires the least amount of effort.

2. Stop Washing It Every Day: Don’t let your woman tell you this is gross, because the ladies have been using this trick on their hair forever. Have you ever taken a good look at a super model’s hair? It’s like a grease pit because they don’t wash it. Washing your beard every day makes your beard wiry by stripping out any natural oil that would’ve accumulated to make it manageable. I’m not suggesting that you never wash your beard again there, Captain Caveman, but washing it every other day will give your beard a little oil buildup to help coax strays back into place.

3. Condition It Once A Week: If added length hasn’t added enough weight to get the hairs to lay flat, adding a bit of regular hair conditioner to your beard once a week can get some of those strays under control. I’ve only used regular hair conditioner that #1GF! had laying around, so anyone who says you need special beard conditioner is probably trying to sell you something that does less and costs more than it should

4. Train It Right: Portions of my beard grow in insane directions, and the only way that I can get them in line is to train them. In beard season, I tend to carry one of those cheap, black, plastic combs that only your grandfather and barber seem to posses, and run the fine end of it through my beard while watching TV or reading. Ten or fifteen minutes a day usually takes care of a bulk of the issues.

5. Train It Wrong: I discovered this tip entirely by accident, but I find that it works fairly well. On those days that you wash your beard, it will end up more more wiry because you stripped out the oils. When you get out of the shower on those days, comb your beard in the complete wrong direction and let it air dry. You will probably look insane, so avoid glaring at or making any sudden movements around any women who may be running around your house. Once your beard is dry, comb it in the correct direction, and then smooth it down with a barely damp hand. This will tend to make your beard look a lot bigger than normal, but the hairs learn that your commands will be obeyed.

6. Try Soap: Washing your beard with soap will strip out all the oils completely, which seems like it would make your beard less controllable, right? Well, it does. The benefit is that the whole beard gets bushier, making the uncontrollable patch blend in. It doesn’t seem like sound advice to throw the rest of your beard into chaos to hide a chaotic patch, but if the other methods fail and you don’t mind a bushy beard, this may end up being the only thing that works for you.

7. Weed Out The Trouble Makers: If none of the other methods work, you may have to prune the unruly hairs and rely on its well-trained neighbors to take up the slack. This happens a lot with grey hairs, which are as impossible to get in line as an old man with tattooed forearms. If the patch is so out of control that trimming won’t fix it, you may need to simply try a different style. Remember: there are a lot of beard types that you can choose from, but not all of them were made for your face.

Hope that helps.

If you have any other tips on getting your beard under control, be sure to drop them in the comments.

Share, Bookmark, or E-Mail This Article

When given the choice between “Douche Daddy”, the smooth pimp rapper, or “MC Douchy McDouche”, the rapper hardened on the mean streets of suburbia, you decided that the straight brim of MC Douchy McDouche didn’t have enough pimp juice to take the official spot. I was pulling for the Vanilla Everlast looks of version #2, and #1GF! voted for the smoother #5, but not even my four executive votes could slow the roll of Version #3, the douchiest version of them all.

The Results: (% of votes)

• Three: 35%
• Two: 21%
• Five: 19%
• One: 12%
• Six: 9%
• Four: 3%

I was going to go against your will and post whatever picture I damn well pleased, but then I figured that I could guilt you all into buying me lunch when no one will hire the king of all douches. Get your sandwich money ready, suckas, because your votes put #3 on the beard quest page as the official rap industry standard pic.

Thanks for your input (yeaheahea… that’s what she said).

Share, Bookmark, or E-Mail This Article

Share, Bookmark, or E-Mail This Article