I know how late I am. I know. But I just woke up. Last year’s pics and story have finally been posted at Beard Shaving 2012. After 9 years, it’s not really a story anymore. It’s the web equivalent of grunting at you from my recliner during Matlock commercial breaks.

The Quest For Every Beard Type

Three new styles were added to The Quest for Every Beard Type this year, bringing the total number of beards completed to 39 out of 43.

What? wasn’t it 42 beard styles last year?

Yea, okay, I added a style. I was going for a Napoleon III Imperial in 2012 and failed to check my own notes before photographing it. Only months later did I realize that it was incorrect. Because the mustache on it was too good to let slide, “English Mustache with Goatee” was added to the list. Napoleon III still taunts me from the horizon. Maybe this year.

As always, happy bearding!

Once again the MaBeGroMo basic period has come and gone. For those of you that made it:

Congratulations!

By this point, your beard has not only shored up that weak chin of yours, but it has probably become your most trusted adviser. Well, consult him now, because a decision is at hand: Do you take a picture of your new macho look and head back to the civilized world, or do you look at the horizon toward the “MaBeGroMo Champion” title?

The extended MaBeGroMo challenge closes on February 14th. Not only will your protected jowls thank you when Old Man Winter throws piles of snow at you over the next few months, but you’ll also earn the title of “MaBeGroMo Champion”. And in this economy, anything that can add an extra line to your resume and keep you from wearing a ski mask can’t be all that bad.

If this is the end of the line for you, thanks for joining in and we’ll see you next winter. If you’re continuing on, we’ll send a search party out for you in six weeks.

Good luck everyone. Thanks for participating, and happy bearding.

More information about beards can be found on my beard page.

What started as a small story to amuse #1GF! and my coworkers, has grown into The Quest for Every Beard Type. And it’s been going on for eight years now.

Eight years.

Well, the gents and I have started in on MaBeGroMo, so the 2011 beard reaping is done for another year. This year’s pics and story are posted in Beard Shaving 2011.

The Quest For Every Beard Type

Three new styles were added to The Quest for Every Beard Type this year, bringing the total number of beards completed to 36 out of 42. And if beards were money, you would’ve earned a tidy 7% profit with no initial investment. You can thank me later.

As always, happy bearding!

The sixth annual MaBeGroMo starts today.

Thirty days of razorlessness earns you a “participant” title, and those completing the full 75 day extended challenge may rightfully claim the title of “MaBeGroMo Champion.”

For more information, Check out last years MaBeGroMo Mini-FAQ, and we’ll see you on the hairier side of 30 days.

Happy bearding!

So, I had a 4 minute LIVE TV interview on Good Day Sacramento this morning with Cody Stark and Amy Carabba. I flubbed a bit and there were a couple of factual errors, but it really didn’t go too badly.

The Mustache Master

I feel like I ran 6 miles.

We are under a week away from November Beard Club / No Shave November / Movember, and a mere 36 days away from Mabegromo. Isn’t it about time you and that razor of yours start saying your goodbyes?

Deep down, you know it is.

Two years ago, I wanted to do something more than the typical compilation of beard shaving pictures that I put out every year, so I sat down with Notepad and a camera phone to work out some ideas for a short film. Within a couple of hours, I had a script, twelve clips of camera phone video, and a sense that I didn’t have the talent to finish the remaining five minutes of film before I hit retirement age.

I called in a favor from Mike over at Burning Snowman, who took an exercise in talking to myself and turned it into a short film, which is now available for your viewing pleasure.

Man, I hate this part…

May I present to you: Beardophrenia: The Beard Film.

The 5th annual MaBeGroMo basic period may have ended on January 1st, but the few of you that stuck it out until February 14th, are now set to receive the MaBeGroMo Champion Award. If you are still proudly wearing your beard, you have now earned an entry-level award for excellence in bearding.

And, well, um, due to budget constraints, this post is doubling as your award this year.

Whether you pawn your award or continue on, just make sure you get some good pictures before the razor once again grazes your skin.

We’ll see you next year. Until then, happy bearding.

Before I had the The Quest for Every Beard Type, all my annual beard shaving pictures were posted into a loose, and often odd, story to amuse #1GF! and my co-workers.

With a mere three weeks left to go in the year, the seventh annual picture set has been posted. This year, the Mountain Man makes his annual trek into the city to take on Nu-Metal, the art world, and an internet-stealing wizard.

Check out Beard Shaving 2010 for the full story if you like your beards peppered with strange.

The Quest For Every Beard Type

Eleven styles were attempted and six were added to The Quest for Every Beard Type this year, bringing the total number of beards completed to 33 out of 42. The 2010 Handlebar picture replaced the 2007 picture, and the Fu Manchu, Mega Tusk, and star beard were just too odd to include.

Stow those razors, gents, for it’s time once again for the annual trek into beardedness.

The fifth annual MaBeGroMo starts today.

Thirty days of no-shave earns you a “participant” title, and those completing the full 75 day extended challenge may rightfully claim the title of “MaBeGroMo Champion.”

Original Rules as handed down in 2005

Rule 1: At some point between now and December 1, you take a “before” picture of yourself and put your razor away.
Rule 2: At some point after December 31, you take an “after” picture of yourself, and decide whether to reunite with your razor or renew your short-term contract with your newly found friend. You may then claim the title of “MaBeGroMo Member.”
Rule 3: If you make it to February 14, you have beaten the extended challenge and can rightfully claim the title of “MaBeGroMo Champion.”
Rule 4: If you make it past February 14, step out of the Home Depot, put down the deer carcass, and shower well before signing up for several internet “dating” services. This is just a suggestion.

I’m regularly asked for clarification about MaBeGroMo rules, so here is a quick FAQ.

MaBeGroMo Mini FAQ

How is MaBeGroMo pronounced?
Let’s start with how it is not pronounced. It is not:

• Mushy guano,
• Macaran-o,
• Magic bolo,
• Meaty Groin-o,
• Rabies, oh no,
• Merry snow ho,
• Nasty grope-o,
• Mister Roboto,
• Majordomo,
• Sonny Bono,
• Mako shark-o,
• Marco Polo,
• Mangy Rambo
• Roll a Rollo
• Han shot Greedo,
• Matlock Groan-o,
• Mecha Godzill-o,
• Bo’s Bolero,
• Mario Cuomo,
• Meet Dave Grohl-o,
• Mail order bride-o,
• Moby Grape-o,
• No pain in this dojo,
• Mug me, grandma, or
• “That damned beard month thing.”

Officially MaBeGroMo is pronounced “Mah-bee-grow-moe.” “Maybe Grow Moe” is also in use, and while not incorrect, it is not the preferred pronunciation.

Should the participant’s last shave occur on November 30 or December 1?
This has been one of the most frequently requested clarifications over the years even though a “last shave” requirement never appears in the original rules. Whether you’re arriving in from Movember, November Beard Club, or just want head start, MaBeGroMo has never had a day zero shave requirement. Head starts are not only within the rules, but encouraged.

How strict is the no shaving policy? Can I trim and shave as necessary?
Unfortunately, The MaBeGroMo Council of Elders no longer has the resources to enforce rules like it did in the golden age of beards, so responsibility for interpretation is left to the participant. For the first-time beardventurer, trimming and shaving are not recommended. Without the knowledge of how an individual’s beard grows, trimming and shaving can end up hindering more than helping. The council recommends that new beardventurers let their beards transpire naturally for at least thirty (30) days. On January 1st, you can do what you want with it. For seasoned bearders, you know what you’re doing, so do what you need to.

Is neck shaving allowed?
Because it’s understandable that a bearded face and a clean neck are somewhat more acceptable in the business world than a wild hobo beard, the neck has become an acceptable shave zone for all participants, if desired. For first time growers, the council recommends against neck shaving until the end of the MaBeGroMo basic period because a novice bearder has a distinct lack of knowledge regarding how their beards grow. New beardventurers who must shave their necks should take care not to shave too close to the jawline while the neck is stretched upward. Doing so will leave the participant with a beard that stops before the jawline, making them look like beard N00bs.

Face shaving is frowned upon, but I have this one stray hair on the top of my cheek. Can I cut that?
Rebellious hairs exist. Excise them as necessary.

What charity does MaBeGroMo benefit?
Charity events like Movember are worthwhile causes, but MaBeGroMo an individual event, benefiting no one but the participant (and the people they lug, haul, lift, chop, and squash things for using their new-found beard power).

Can I just grow a goatee / mustache / sideburns?
Sorry, Evil Spock / Hipster / Elvis Impersonator. Only full beard attempts qualify.

I have a question that wasn’t answered.
For other beard related questions, be sure to check The Beard FAQ.

Good luck. Hopefully, I’ll see the new, badass version of you in thirty days.

Happy bearding.

The MaBeGroMo basic period ended on January 1st, but there were a few rugged individuals continued their pursuit of pogonotrophy for an additional seven weeks to attain “MaBeGroMo Champion” status.

If you still have your MaBeGroMo beard, you have earned the right to call yourself “MaBeGroMo Champion” for another year. Be proud, young man, for you have earned one of the few awards available for excellence in bearding.

Whether you run off and pawn your award or continue your pursuit is now up to you. Just make sure you get some good pictures if you decide to shave it off.

We’ll see you next December for MaBeGromo V.

Until then, happy bearding.

Once again the MaBeGroMo basic period has come to a close. You’ve listened to a number of unsolicited opinions on your new testosterone-driven look, and none of them deterred you. You went against the grain in a small way and did something that probably feels a lot better than it looks.

Congratulations!

Right now, you’re probably at the point where you unconsciously rub your beard or mustache to help you through tough decisions. Well, one is upon you: Do you take a picture of your beard and trek back through the snow to civilization, or do you make the run at the “MaBeGroMo Champion” title?

Before you decide, give you’re beard a good rub and look over this list. If any of the following apply, you might not be ready to give up that beard just yet.

You May Not Want To Give Up Your Beard If…

• More than fifty percent of your vocabulary has devolved into well-timed grunts and staring,
• You spend a lot of time battling Sauron,
• You can’t remember how it started, but you’ve been wearing an animal skull as a hat for a while now,
Continue Reading…

With two weeks to spare, the annual beard shaving pictures and story are now available. This year, the mountain man makes another trek into the city using several well thought out aliases to avoid being recognized as the R&B powerhouse, MC Butterworth.

Check out Beard Shaving 2009 so that you too can see why it’s better that I don’t have a boss.

The Quest For Every Beard Type

Due to the requirements for an in-production beard based short film (and pure pogonotrophic laziness), a mere two new styles were accomplished and added to The Quest for Every Beard Type. The total number of beards completed rises to 27 out of 36.

Shun those razors like Angela Lansbury in a string bikini, Gents, and join men the world over who are making their annual migration into the state of beardedness.

The fourth annual MaBeGroMo starts today.

Thirty days of no-shave earns you a “participant” title, and those completing the full 75 day extended challenge may rightfully claim the title of “MaBeGroMo Champion.”

Banners and Badges

If you’d like to advertise your participation in Mabegromo, or simply show support for those making the migration, there are three Mabegromo banners available for you to download and put on your site this month:

240×120

125×125

120×80

Good luck. Hopefully, I’ll see the new, badass version of you in thirty days.

Happy bearding.

Because of my beard pages, people tend to submit a lot of beard related links for me to check out. The other day, I got an e-mail from Eirik Ott, aka Big Poppa E, asking me to check out a video for a poem that he wrote called “Beardo”.

“i was digging on your site, and i thought maybe you would appreciate the poem i just wrote about the joys and challenges of having a beard.”

I’m always grateful that people will take the time to send me beard related stuff, but this guy was asking me to look at a poem. Sure, it was about a beard, but still. Poetry? I was torn between my love for beards driving me to click, and the thought of being reacquainted with the mind-numbing curse of iambic pentameter holding my finger at bay.

I put aside my latest revisions of Life of Riley Week 100, and stared at the e-mail as if some cosmic regex would suddenly appear and devour the word “poem” and replace it with something I had a better chance at enjoying, such as “epic metal saga” or even “clever geek humor based comic”. Sadly, no such words appeared.

I sighed, threw on my two dollar headphones, and twisted up my face in preparation for what I was sure would be a coffee shop poetry reading to an audience full of waif like creatures who wore tiny glasses and had propensities toward giant, ratty scarves that didn’t fit them or the weather. I imagined them snapping their long, thin fingers at the end of the performance in place of applause. Before the thought of the clove filled air could give me a headache, I opened the video.

I was half paying attention while watching an episode of 30 Rock the other day, and had to rewind in one scene because I had the feeling that I had missed something.

As Liz Lemon steps off the elevator, Kenneth the page says, “Oh, you’re back. I guess I’m not in charge anymore.” He then pulls a sign off the wall:

Sunufa.

You can watch the The Funcooker episode of 30 Rock on Hulu.

Before all my beard types were collected into my Quest For Every Beard Type, I would try to tie each year’s pictures together through a loose, and usually odd story about a bearded mountain man.

The 2008 beard shaving pictures never made it to the web as a set, but after receiving a couple of e-mails asking where they were, I figured that I should get them out before the 2009 pictures came due.

If you miss the strange little stories that accompany the annual beard shaving sets, the bearded mountain man returns once again as Thaddeus B. Butterworth in Beard Shaving 2008.

Shaving sets from other years can be found on my beard page.

The MaBeGroMo basic period ended on January 1st, but there were a few rugged individuals refused the razor for an additional seven weeks in hopes of attaining “MaBeGroMo Champion” status.

It’s now February 14th, and if you still have your MaBeGroMo beard, you have earned the right to call yourself “MaBeGroMo Champion”. Be proud, young man, for you have done more than was required and earned one of the few awards available for excellence in bearding.

If you earned a MaBeGroMo Championship title this year, I put together a little MaBeGroMo Champion award for you.

You can copy and paste the code for one of the icons below to your site to let people know exactly which side of the bearded line you’re on. If you put the award on your resume, just let me know first so I can put together a little something to make you sound like you’re a bigger beardmaster than the boys in ZZ Top.

We’ll see you next December for MaBeGromo 2010: A Beard Odyssey.

Until then, happy bearding.

Click Here To Get A MaBeGroMo Award For Your Site…

Ladies and Gentlemen, the fourth annual MaBeGroMo begins today. Put your razors down and hand them to the front of the class.

Happy bearding. I’ll see the new, badass version of you in a month.

We’re a week into November Beard Month, and I was looking for some music to help coax these whiskers out into the open air. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a decent beard related playlist out there anywhere. So, what do you do when you can’t find something pre-made? You roll up your sleeves and you make it yourself.

Most of the songs lean toward the heavier side of the scale, but if you’re growing a 70′s, peace-loving beard to nest tiny woodland creatures in, I threw a few tracks for you, too. So, let’s get some cold air on your face and music into those ears, and let’s get those whiskers on the outside where they belong.

All the songs included either mention facial hair or are performed by bands with one or more bearded members. Yes, ZZ Top is in there even though they’re included in every musical beard list ever.

If you have track suggestions, be sure to throw them in the comments, and a full track listing (with explanations) is included below.

Enjoy!

You suddenly awaken, and as you try to blink away the bright light that is making your head pound, you realize that you’re staring at the sky. You spit the grit from your teeth and pull yourself to a seated position.

You’re not dressed like Ralph Macchio, but you find yourself sitting in the middle of a dusty crossroad. You check your watch like you always do when the world around you lacks stability. It’s November 1st and it’s morning. I guess that’s something.

To your right, the road degrades into a stony path that leads to the abandoned mansion of the November Beard Club. To your left, the road vanishes into fields and sunshine. Something in the air vaguely smells like hope. In front of you, way in the distance, you see a man who seems to be smiling and waiting. You can’t tell if he’s giving you the finger or throwing you the horns.

Which path do you take?

If you go to the right and explore the ancient rights of November Beard Club, turn to page 147.

If it seems safer just to stand still and wait for rescue, turn to page 69.

I think the one of the most fun things about the beard pages is seeing how other people out on the web react to them. While combing through my referrer stats, I found these three clippings that turned up from my recent run on Digg.

3. From Cheap And Dirty

This made me want to make up a t-shirt.

Thad asks:

Jon,

I’ve been working on my beard, but the longer hairs tend to go in the wrong direction once they get more than an inch long. Is it natural for longer facial hair to grow at an angle?

Thanks.

I have to admit that I laughed when I first got this e-mail, because even though I get a good portion of my traffic from beard related posts, I don’t consider myself to be an authority on beards. I am, however, someone who has grown a decent number of beards over the years despite a distinct lack of natural beard growing ability. Maybe there are some men out there who were born to grow perfect beards, but for most of us, getting a beard to look halfway normal takes a little bit of effort.

As I typed up a quick response, I realized that although my suggestions were pretty basic, they were the result of years of trial and error, and might be beneficial to other guys whose natural ability is throwing roadblocks onto their roads to beardedness. If you have a problem with an unruly beard (or know someone who does), here are 7 tips that should help to get those renegade patches back under control. And they require only a little more effort to implement than growing the beard itself

So, the Rap Industry Standard Poll is officially closed, and the results are in.

When given the choice between “Douche Daddy”, the smooth pimp rapper, or “MC Douchy McDouche”, the rapper hardened on the mean streets of suburbia, you decided that the straight brim of MC Douchy McDouche didn’t have enough pimp juice to take the official spot. I was pulling for the Vanilla Everlast looks of version #2, and #1GF! voted for the smoother #5, but not even my four executive votes could slow the roll of Version #3, the douchiest version of them all.

The Results: (% of votes)

• Three: 35%
• Two: 21%
• Five: 19%
• One: 12%
• Six: 9%
• Four: 3%

I was going to go against your will and post whatever picture I damn well pleased, but then I figured that I could guilt you all into buying me lunch when no one will hire the king of all douches. Get your sandwich money ready, suckas, because your votes put #3 on the beard quest page as the official rap industry standard pic.

Thanks for your input (yeaheahea… that’s what she said).

Holy shit. First, the bloggers found me, then an internet radio station, then a regular radio station, then half of Sweden stopped by, and now I’ve somehow made the jump to internet television. I know. I’m as shocked as you are. I better go put on some pants…

After some close trimming, beard #25 from my beard page, the Rap Industry Standard is finally complete. The only problem is that #1GF! and I have different opinions on which picture should be added to the beard page.

Even though I told #1GF! that you people are really out of your minds, she still suggested that the tie be broken by the readers. Should “Douche Daddy”, the smooth pimp rapper, or “MC Douchy McDouche”, the rapper hardened on the mean streets of suburbia be added as the official Rap Industry Standard photo?

Cast your vote, and let everyone know which choice sucks the least in the comments. Ya heard?

Which photo should be added as the official Rap Industry Standard?

• Three: 35%
• Two: 21%
• Five: 19%
• One: 12%
• Six: 9%
• Four: 3%

Total Votes: 492
Started: Tuesday, 17 June 2008
Closed: Tuesday, 22 July 2008

The Toothbrush is a mustache that was originally made famous by Charlie Chaplin, but it’s so far out of use today that I didn’t think to include it in my beard quest. After getting a lot of e-mail pointing out my omission, I had to figure out a way to include it that would naturally imply a reference to Chaplin and not make me look like one of history’s biggest douches.

I planted the Toothbrush in the list so that it changed when the mouse passed over it, and waited for #1GF! to find it. Like a lot of people, she never did.

Once I pointed out the mouseover to her, she suggested that it needed its own post in case other people missed it, too. Even though it’s a pretty lame to point out your own easter eggs, I figured that revealing this picture should keep me out of corporate offices everywhere and let me stay home and write forever.

Some of the people that have been stopping in to check out my quest for every beard type have mentioned that they are incapable of ever knowing the macho feeling that comes with wearing a full beard. For those folks, there is now a flash application called Mustachr that allows you to add over 90 types of facial hair to any photo. The only drawback is that you need an account to save anything, but there’s nothing stopping you from using [Alt] PrintScreen to copy and paste your creation into your favorite art program.

Need Proof of Awesomeness?

This was me as a kid. If I had any idea what kind of ass kicking comes with plaid shirts, thick glasses, and lunch bags with my name on them, I might’ve posted a Mustachr-ized picture on my Myspace page that looked so ultra-badass that it would’ve deterred a lot of scraps in the school yard.

Oh yea. When I was a kid, there was no Myspace. Hell, Prodigy wasn’t even though of yet. GI Joe had a beard and pong was blowing everybody’s minds with the sheer awesomeness of two lines and a bouncing square. We had no internet, and no Mustachr. If I did though, you can bet that I would have added a few pics like these:

Recently, I made a special trip up to Evergreen Cemetery in Leominster, Massachusetts to see the grave of Joseph Palmer, a veteran of the War of 1812 and a member of the short-lived Utopian community “the Fruitlands”. I’m not much of a history buff, so why would I drive halfway across the state to seek out the grave of a man who died a century before I was born? It was too interesting of a story not to investigate.

The “Crime”

He was described as a kind and tolerant man, but life was not easy for Joseph Palmer after he moved to Fitchburg, Massachusetts in 1830. People would openly insult him, throw rocks at him, regularly break the windows of his home, and even cross the street so as not to be near him when he passed by. Even though he was deeply religious man who regularly attended church services, Palmer was publicly denounced during sermons by his pastor, Rev. George Trask, and even refused communion.

What awful thing had this small town butcher done to warrant such persecution? Joseph Palmer’s crime was that he was the only citizen in Fitchburg, Massachusetts who chose to wear a full beard, which (contrary to my vision of the 1800′s being a beard grower’s paradise) had been out of fashion in the United States since the time of the Pilgrims.

It’s getting up on spring folks, and you know what that means: my five month old beard is getting closer and closer to it’s annual shearing. While contemplating what fate holds for my poor beard this year, I decided to see just how many of the beard types that I could personally check off from my Chart of Facial Hair Types.

I really thought that I had nothing left but a Mr. T style beard / Mohawk combo, so I was surprised (and a little disappointed) to find that I still have a ways to go before I will be wandering the streets pitying fools.

If you want to check out all nineteen (out of thirty-four) of my recorded facial hair types, head on over to my newly dedicated Beard Type Quest Page.

Then, come back and let me know if you have a favorite from years past or if there’s a beard type that you’d like to see added this year.

UNGH.