Because of my beard pages, people tend to submit a lot of beard related links for me to check out. The other day, I got an e-mail from Eirik Ott, aka Big Poppa E, asking me to check out a video for a poem that he wrote called “Beardo”.

“i was digging on your site, and i thought maybe you would appreciate the poem i just wrote about the joys and challenges of having a beard.”

I’m always grateful that people will take the time to send me beard related stuff, but this guy was asking me to look at a poem. Sure, it was about a beard, but still. Poetry? I was torn between my love for beards driving me to click, and the thought of being reacquainted with the mind-numbing curse of iambic pentameter holding my finger at bay.

I put aside my latest revisions of Life of Riley Week 100, and stared at the e-mail as if some cosmic regex would suddenly appear and devour the word “poem” and replace it with something I had a better chance at enjoying, such as “epic metal saga” or even “clever geek humor based comic”. Sadly, no such words appeared.

I sighed, threw on my two dollar headphones, and twisted up my face in preparation for what I was sure would be a coffee shop poetry reading to an audience full of waif like creatures who wore tiny glasses and had propensities toward giant, ratty scarves that didn’t fit them or the weather. I imagined them snapping their long, thin fingers at the end of the performance in place of applause. Before the thought of the clove filled air could give me a headache, I opened the video.

I was half paying attention while watching an episode of 30 Rock the other day, and had to rewind in one scene because I had the feeling that I had missed something.

As Liz Lemon steps off the elevator, Kenneth the page says, “Oh, you’re back. I guess I’m not in charge anymore.” He then pulls a sign off the wall:

Sunufa.

You can watch the The Funcooker episode of 30 Rock on Hulu.

Before all my beard types were collected into my Quest For Every Beard Type, I would try to tie each year’s pictures together through a loose, and usually odd story about a bearded mountain man.

The 2008 beard shaving pictures never made it to the web as a set, but after receiving a couple of e-mails asking where they were, I figured that I should get them out before the 2009 pictures came due.

If you miss the strange little stories that accompany the annual beard shaving sets, the bearded mountain man returns once again as Thaddeus B. Butterworth in Beard Shaving 2008.

Shaving sets from other years can be found on my beard page.

The MaBeGroMo basic period ended on January 1st, but there were a few rugged individuals refused the razor for an additional seven weeks in hopes of attaining “MaBeGroMo Champion” status.

It’s now February 14th, and if you still have your MaBeGroMo beard, you have earned the right to call yourself “MaBeGroMo Champion”. Be proud, young man, for you have done more than was required and earned one of the few awards available for excellence in bearding.

If you earned a MaBeGroMo Championship title this year, I put together a little MaBeGroMo Champion award for you.

You can copy and paste the code for one of the icons below to your site to let people know exactly which side of the bearded line you’re on. If you put the award on your resume, just let me know first so I can put together a little something to make you sound like you’re a bigger beardmaster than the boys in ZZ Top.

We’ll see you next December for MaBeGromo 2010: A Beard Odyssey.

Until then, happy bearding.

Click Here To Get A MaBeGroMo Award For Your Site…

Ladies and Gentlemen, the fourth annual MaBeGroMo begins today. Put your razors down and hand them to the front of the class.

Happy bearding. I’ll see the new, badass version of you in a month.

We’re a week into November Beard Month, and I was looking for some music to help coax these whiskers out into the open air. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a decent beard related playlist out there anywhere. So, what do you do when you can’t find something pre-made? You roll up your sleeves and you make it yourself.

Most of the songs lean toward the heavier side of the scale, but if you’re growing a 70’s, peace-loving beard to nest tiny woodland creatures in, I threw a few tracks for you, too. So, let’s get some cold air on your face and music into those ears, and let’s get those whiskers on the outside where they belong.

All the songs included either mention facial hair or are performed by bands with one or more bearded members. Yes, ZZ Top is in there even though they’re included in every musical beard list ever.

If you have track suggestions, be sure to throw them in the comments, and a full track listing (with explanations) is included below.

Enjoy!

You suddenly awaken, and as you try to blink away the bright light that is making your head pound, you realize that you’re staring at the sky. You spit the grit from your teeth and pull yourself to a seated position.

You’re not dressed like Ralph Macchio, but you find yourself sitting in the middle of a dusty crossroad. You check your watch like you always do when the world around you lacks stability. It’s November 1st and it’s morning. I guess that’s something.

To your right, the road degrades into a stony path that leads to the abandoned mansion of the November Beard Club. To your left, the road vanishes into fields and sunshine. Something in the air vaguely smells like hope. In front of you, way in the distance, you see a man who seems to be smiling and waiting. You can’t tell if he’s giving you the finger or throwing you the horns.

Which path do you take?

If you go to the right and explore the ancient rights of November Beard Club, turn to page 147.

If it seems safer just to stand still and wait for rescue, turn to page 69.

I think the one of the most fun things about the beard pages is seeing how other people out on the web react to them. While combing through my referrer stats, I found these three clippings that turned up from my recent run on Digg.

3. From Cheap And Dirty

This made me want to make up a t-shirt.

Thad asks:

Jon,

I’ve been working on my beard, but the longer hairs tend to go in the wrong direction once they get more than an inch long. Is it natural for longer facial hair to grow at an angle?

Thanks.

I have to admit that I laughed when I first got this e-mail, because even though I get a good portion of my traffic from beard related posts, I don’t consider myself to be an authority on beards. I am, however, someone who has grown a decent number of beards over the years despite a distinct lack of natural beard growing ability. Maybe there are some men out there who were born to grow perfect beards, but for most of us, getting a beard to look halfway normal takes a little bit of effort.

As I typed up a quick response, I realized that although my suggestions were pretty basic, they were the result of years of trial and error, and might be beneficial to other guys whose natural ability is throwing roadblocks onto their roads to beardedness. If you have a problem with an unruly beard (or know someone who does), here are 7 tips that should help to get those renegade patches back under control. And they require only a little more effort to implement than growing the beard itself

So, the Rap Industry Standard Poll is officially closed, and the results are in.

When given the choice between “Douche Daddy”, the smooth pimp rapper, or “MC Douchy McDouche”, the rapper hardened on the mean streets of suburbia, you decided that the straight brim of MC Douchy McDouche didn’t have enough pimp juice to take the official spot. I was pulling for the Vanilla Everlast looks of version #2, and #1GF! voted for the smoother #5, but not even my four executive votes could slow the roll of Version #3, the douchiest version of them all.

The Results: (% of votes)

• Three: 35%
• Two: 21%
• Five: 19%
• One: 12%
• Six: 9%
• Four: 3%

I was going to go against your will and post whatever picture I damn well pleased, but then I figured that I could guilt you all into buying me lunch when no one will hire the king of all douches. Get your sandwich money ready, suckas, because your votes put #3 on the beard quest page as the official rap industry standard pic.

Thanks for your input (yeaheahea… that’s what she said).

Holy shit. First, the bloggers found me, then an internet radio station, then a regular radio station, then half of Sweden stopped by, and now I’ve somehow made the jump to internet television. I know. I’m as shocked as you are. I better go put on some pants…

After some close trimming, beard #25 from my beard page, the Rap Industry Standard is finally complete. The only problem is that #1GF! and I have different opinions on which picture should be added to the beard page.

Even though I told #1GF! that you people are really out of your minds, she still suggested that the tie be broken by the readers. Should “Douche Daddy”, the smooth pimp rapper, or “MC Douchy McDouche”, the rapper hardened on the mean streets of suburbia be added as the official Rap Industry Standard photo?

Cast your vote, and let everyone know which choice sucks the least in the comments. Ya heard?

Which photo should be added as the official Rap Industry Standard?

• Three: 35%
• Two: 21%
• Five: 19%
• One: 12%
• Six: 9%
• Four: 3%

Total Votes: 492
Started: Tuesday, 17 June 2008
Closed: Tuesday, 22 July 2008

The Toothbrush is a mustache that was originally made famous by Charlie Chaplin, but it’s so far out of use today that I didn’t think to include it in my beard quest. After getting a lot of e-mail pointing out my omission, I had to figure out a way to include it that would naturally imply a reference to Chaplin and not make me look like one of history’s biggest douches.

I planted the Toothbrush in the list so that it changed when the mouse passed over it, and waited for #1GF! to find it. Like a lot of people, she never did.

Once I pointed out the mouseover to her, she suggested that it needed its own post in case other people missed it, too. Even though it’s a pretty lame to point out your own easter eggs, I figured that revealing this picture should keep me out of corporate offices everywhere and let me stay home and write forever.

Some of the people that have been stopping in to check out my quest for every beard type have mentioned that they are incapable of ever knowing the macho feeling that comes with wearing a full beard. For those folks, there is now a flash application called Mustachr that allows you to add over 90 types of facial hair to any photo. The only drawback is that you need an account to save anything, but there’s nothing stopping you from using [Alt] PrintScreen to copy and paste your creation into your favorite art program.

Need Proof of Awesomeness?

This was me as a kid. If I had any idea what kind of ass kicking comes with plaid shirts, thick glasses, and lunch bags with my name on them, I might’ve posted a Mustachr-ized picture on my Myspace page that looked so ultra-badass that it would’ve deterred a lot of scraps in the school yard.

Oh yea. When I was a kid, there was no Myspace. Hell, Prodigy wasn’t even though of yet. GI Joe had a beard and pong was blowing everybody’s minds with the sheer awesomeness of two lines and a bouncing square. We had no internet, and no Mustachr. If I did though, you can bet that I would have added a few pics like these:

Recently, I made a special trip up to Evergreen Cemetery in Leominster, Massachusetts to see the grave of Joseph Palmer, a veteran of the War of 1812 and a member of the short-lived Utopian community “the Fruitlands”. I’m not much of a history buff, so why would I drive halfway across the state to seek out the grave of a man who died a century before I was born? It was too interesting of a story not to investigate.

The “Crime”

He was described as a kind and tolerant man, but life was not easy for Joseph Palmer after he moved to Fitchburg, Massachusetts in 1830. People would openly insult him, throw rocks at him, regularly break the windows of his home, and even cross the street so as not to be near him when he passed by. Even though he was deeply religious man who regularly attended church services, Palmer was publicly denounced during sermons by his pastor, Rev. George Trask, and even refused communion.

What awful thing had this small town butcher done to warrant such persecution? Joseph Palmer’s crime was that he was the only citizen in Fitchburg, Massachusetts who chose to wear a full beard, which (contrary to my vision of the 1800’s being a beard grower’s paradise) had been out of fashion in the United States since the time of the Pilgrims.

It’s getting up on spring folks, and you know what that means: my five month old beard is getting closer and closer to it’s annual shearing. While contemplating what fate holds for my poor beard this year, I decided to see just how many of the beard types that I could personally check off from my Chart of Facial Hair Types.

I really thought that I had nothing left but a Mr. T style beard / Mohawk combo, so I was surprised (and a little disappointed) to find that I still have a ways to go before I will be wandering the streets pitying fools.

If you want to check out all nineteen (out of thirty-four) of my recorded facial hair types, head on over to my newly dedicated Beard Type Quest Page.

Then, come back and let me know if you have a favorite from years past or if there’s a beard type that you’d like to see added this year.

UNGH.

We’ve reached the end of MaBeGroMo, gents, and that means it’s decision time. You are free to take a picture of your beard and return to the Roman ideal, or you can continue on your quest to becoming a MaBeGroMo Champion.

If you’re ready to return to beardlessness, there’s no shame in turning back now. You made it a month, and you have reason to be proud. You went against the grain and did something for yourself. You now have a good idea about how your beard grows (or doesn’t) and you’ve become a member of the beard club. Thanks for joining in and we’ll hopefully see you next winter for the next round.

For those of you who aren’t ready to get rid of the beard just yet, you’ve made a good choice. The winter is still far from over and you’ll appreciate your protected jowls when Cold Miser is throwing piles of snow at you during the next few months.

Remember: making it to February 14 will earn you the title of “MaBeGroMo Champion”, if you are looking for something to put on your resume.

Good luck everyone. Happy bearding.

More information about beards can be found on my beard page.

National Beard Growing Month is officially over, gents. You made it a month, and you now know that good feeling that comes with intentionally growing a beard. Congratulations to all of you who made it!

You now stand at a crossroads. Do you continue another 30 days into your beard growing quest and take part in MaBeGroMo, or do you give up and return to civilization?

If you’re on the fence, encouragement can be found on my beard page. I’ll be out back wrestling bears if you need me.

I feel like I’m cheating you out of music reviews every time I use a music Friday for a non-review post, but it’s a holiday week and I couldn’t pass this up. I have to give credit to Toria for sending this along and getting it stuck in my head.

Beard, No Beard, Beard Beard, Mooostache.

Beard, No Beard

We all need to thank BeardPick for sending in this video of himself with 2,000 toothpicks stuck in his beard. He beats Payton, the 1600 toothpick guy (also featured below) by 25%. Who’s stepping up for the next 400?

You will not be surprised to find out that BeardPick is in IT and undertook this death-defying stunt to entertain his co-workers. I think my favorite thing about the IT crowd is the strange things they do to entertain each other.

2,000 Toothpicks

1,600 Toothpicks

Ah, November. As the weather turns cold and we begin our journey into winter, men in the Northern Hemisphere begin their annual adventure into beardedness in what has been known as “November Beard Club” or “National Beard Growing Month”.

To participate, you simply stop shaving during the month of November. When December arrives, you can either shave or continue on your beard growing journey by taking part in MabeGroMo, the Macho Beard Growing Month.

If you’ve never grown a beard before, now is the time to start. If you need encouragement, check out my newly built beards page, which has a FAQ to get you past your excuses, and all the beard shaving picture stories from years past. It even includes 2007’s beard shaving adventure which has never been available before today.

Happy beardthday, Beard. You are four months old today, and despite twelve or so weeks of practice, I still have no idea how to comb you properly.

People may say that you’re starting to get bit unruly, but I say you’re just developing a personality all your own. And that personality is a cross between a homeless drifter, a pirate, and that guy who lives in the woods with a bear named Ben. Sure, your testosterone driven existence might be repellent to most modern sophisticates like #1GF!, but there are those women out there who grew up hot for Mr. Chuck Norris, and you roundhouse kick them right to the heart. They might be as difficult to find as an R in a Bostonian conversation, but if those ladies got within fifty feet of you, you would drag them in like a magnet.

But, despite all your macho wonder, Beard, we have to get some things out in the open. It’s been sixteen weeks and there has been mounting pressure from #1GF! to push you out the door. And on a couple of those random warm days we’ve had, I will admit that my lack of a seaworthy gallion may have briefly lured me into considering her point of view. You know how much I like having you around, but I have to admit that the evidence is being slowly stacked against you. #1GF! has figured out that answering questions on shaving by yelling “Isaac Hayes!” or “Mr. T!” are just diversionary jibber jabber, and I’m doubtful that she will even consider validating your usefulness as a pen storage device. While talking like I’m a character from the 1800’s seems to make her laugh, I don’t think it can carry us much further. Our only remaining hope may be the unrelenting New England weather.

You know as well as I do that this time of year in New England, the weather is as tricky as a crack addicted spider monkey. One minute it’s dancing for pennies, and the next it’s jumping on your back trying to cram it’s monkey parts where they would be most unnatural. Last week, we had a 50 degree day. This week, it’s 9 degrees with a big enough wind chill to give you an ice cream headache. No loving woman would send their man out in the cold without a jacket just because it’s not fashionable, right? Climate beats fashion, even if it is a Kobra Kai sweatshirt, Freezy Freakies, or a beard.

So, even though I may have run out of ideas with which to defend you, you should be safe at least until Spring. And lucky for you, in New England, Spring usually starts in May, and we call it Summer.

Happy Beardthday!

Because I grow a beard every winter to fight off the New England winter, last month my Mom sent me an article from the Boston Globe about the Beardophilic folks over at the Bearduary.

As I read the article, I found myself thinking it was perfect compliment to MaBeGroMo, my annual beard proliferation event. With National Beard Growing month running in November, MaBeGroMo Basic running in December, and the MaBeGromo Extended Champion period claiming up to Valentine’s Day, there were still a few Winter days yet unclaimed.

The Bearduary filled that gap and put a lock on the winter by claiming both January and February for beardophiles everywhere.

I e-mailed them, and they threw my big, ugly head up on their site.

I’m not kidding.

Go look: www.bearduary.com

In my haste to avoid any actual writing by cramming this blog full of crappy video links, I failed to mention a few things recently…

One: MABeGroMo

I failed to mention the start of MaBeGroMo on December 1. I started on November 7th to beat the holiday rush. Like women synching their menstrual cycles, Team Beardo at work started around the same time without discussion or provocation. My beard is now two months old. How’s yours?

After 4 months of culturing a beard that hung almost 3 inches off of my chin, the winter beard has finally been shorn. Although my dumb-ass head looks top-heavy and weird, I currently look 5 years younger. There are no pictures of the process due to both a broken camera and complete lack of imagination.

Until next November, try to stay off my youthful jock.

Dear young lady,
As cute as you thought that plaid mini skirt and high-heeled black boots looked when you put them on this morning, they might not have been the best choice for corporate work wear. Unless you are Brittney Spears or work at an establishment where most of the work is done around a pole, people are just not going to take you seriously. Most likely, they’re going to spend most of the time that you’re talking concerned with how many dudes you plan on squeezing into your lunch time gang bang.

Dear mustache man,
As cool as you thought that beret looked when you walked out of the house this morning, it might not have been the best choice for wearing to work. Unless you are in the special forces or work at the Paris Casino in Las Vegas, people are just not going to take you seriously. Most likely they’re going to spend the time you’re talking concerned with how many dudes you plan on squeezing into your lunch time gang bang.

(I don’t know how I have the audacity to critique other people’s fashion choices when my 4 month old, insan-o beard could easily net me $50 a day panhandling at the train station.)

The standard MaBaGroMo competition is officially over. If you made it to this point, pat yourself on the back. You have not only endured the itches and ridicule, but you have officially earned the title of “MaBeGroMo Participant.” I can tell by that look in your eye that you’re itching to embroider your new title under the big skull that you’re thinking about putting on the back of your leather jacket once you cut the sleeves off.

It seems like a good idea, but hold off a month. If you join me further on this journey (which I encourage because winter has barely even started), you may be bestowed further titles. Be warned: Additional titles may come at the cost of a permanent attraction to all things flannel.

Pencils down. Submit pictures now.

While finishing up my Xmas shopping this weekend, I found out that a MaBeGroMo beard combined with a pair of BlueBlocker style sunglasses really creates a sort of 70’s Serpico-style creepy cop look. Throw in a 3/4 length brown leather jacket and you are free to drive your Nova through as many box filled alleys as you can find.

Switch it up to a ringer T, or just about anything that they’re selling in Old Navy these days and it’s a Meatballs camp counsellor on the marijuana cigarettes.

The beard is versatile. Is anyone else having as much fun with their beard as I am, or are you to busy huddling with those deer carcasses?

You now officially have two days left to make your decision to get that beard started, if you haven’t already. To Grow, or not to grow: That is the question.

Fire the “before” pictures to me and I’ll put them up on Dec. 1 so that your better halves can have a reminder of what a fucking great looking guy you used to be when they’re in need of a break from your testosterone-fueled, hair-covered MaBeGroMo madness.

Who knows? By Christmas, that “before” picture may just save your relationship. If it doesn’t, you’ll always have that deer carcass to keep you warm.

So, I’m reading a post over at GeeseAplenty about how Greg is a little sick of the whole NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) obsession that has reared it’s head once again this year. While I find myself indifferently shrugging over whether someone should should take a stab at writing a book in a month or obsessing about it on their personal virtual homestead, I did agree with him whole-heartedly on one point:

NaNoWriMo sounds like a big, fat pain in the ass.

This of course got me thinking. What about people like me to whom procrastination is more of a lifestyle than a character flaw? How the hell could I write a book in a month? My gaming would suffer, my blogging would suffer, my PVR would fill up, and Netflix would raise prices to cover the money they spent on tech support specialists to figure out why my queue had suddenly and completely stalled. And what would I end up with after paying the hefty 5000 word per day entrance fee? The rewards just don’t seem like they’d exactly outweigh the effort.

This is not to say that I don’t yearn to belong to a stupidly named club for jerks, too. Not writing a book shouldn’t stop me. That’s just discrimination. And when you discriminate, you make an ass out of you and me. Or something like that.

So, for the less industrious among us who don’t feel that it’s too much to want results that at least match the effort that went in, I’m shunning NaNoWriMo and starting my own month. My month will allow people to be part of something, give them a visible reward, and won’t require anything near 5000 words per day to complete.

So, to everyone reading, I’m officially declaring December to be MaBeGroMo (Macho Beard Growing Month).

The rules are simple (even for us).

MaBeGroMo Rules

Rule 1: At some point between now and December 1, you take a “before” picture of yourself and put your razor away.
Rule 2: At some point after December 31, you take an “after” picture of yourself, and decide whether to reunite with your razor or renew your short-term contract with your newly found friend. You may then claim the title of “MaBeGroMo Member”
Rule 3: If you make it to February 14, you have beaten the extended challenge and can rightfully claim the title of “MaBeGroMo Champion.”
Rule 4: If you make it past February 14, step out of the Home Depot, put down the deer carcass, and shower well before signing up for several internet “dating” services. This is just a suggestion.

You’re thinking about it. I can see it. I’ve taken the liberty of answering some of your presented concerns to give you the encouragement to get started in The Beard FAQ. Good luck.