This is week 149 of The Life of Riley, a weekly post detailing my activities since I ended a thirteen year career as a corporate drone. These posts are usually long, personal, and geared more for my own memory than the reader’s entertainment.

Sunday (Day 1036): Did You Say Breaded Bacon?

It was Easter, so #1GF! left to go pick up her mother to bring her over for brunch. She took the baby with her because the baby wasn’t sleeping and we thought the car ride might calm her down. I made the bed, picked up around the house, cleaned the counters, and started the breaded bacon and the french toast. I took a guess at the amount of coffee I needed to make a full pot and got that started too.

#1GF! returned at around 11 AM, and my parents showed up soon after. We had tropical fruit salad, baked french toast, breaded bacon, two quiches, and apple cake. Everyone ate more than they should’ve and sat around staring at the baby through our food induced comas. I hadn’t made coffee in a while, but I used to make it on the strong side when I did. I served up coffee to those who wanted it, and it was so strong that the first sip made #1GF!’s mother look instantly angry. She wasn’t actually angry, but I happened to catch the expression as it crossed her face. I made a mental note to tone down the coffee a little next time.

I threw all the dishes in the sink, and suddenly all the ladies decided that they were going out for a walk. I only figured that out because the stroller was out and they were all heading for the door. It was in the ’70s out and sunny, so it was a perfect day to walk off a meal. I wasn’t going on a walk, so my father and I walked around the property pointing at stuff that needed to be fixed, as men are prone to do.

When the ladies returned, it was already the middle of the afternoon. I served up homemade mini cheesecakes, and they went over well.

My parents got on their way, and #1GF! left to take her mother home. I stayed behind with the baby, who hadn’t napped all day. I fed her and then the two of us sat out on the front steps watching the cars go by. We talked to a neighbor, and went in when it started getting cold.

I cleaned up, fed the baby dinner, and got her into her pajamas. #1GF! got home by 7 PM. It had been a long day. #1GF! put the baby to bed, and we watched a couple of episodes of Nurse Jackie. Maybe I was tired, but I was only part way through the first season, and I was already losing interest in the show.

Monday (Day 1037): A Really Good Day

I got up, had a bowl of cereal, took over the baby for a while, and gave the baby to #1GF! so that I could take a shower. When I was out, I put the baby to bed, cleaned the sink, prepped the baby’s bath, and sat down to transcribe some notes from my notebook while #1GF! prepped the baby’s bottles. It was only 8:45 AM.

#1GF! worked from home, and I wrote non-stop when the baby was asleep. When she was awake, it was a good day of playing. I was having a great time walking the baby all over the house, when I put her in the path of a glass of water that I had left on the counter. The glass tipped over and shattered. There was shards everywhere. I picked up the baby, and #1GF! cleaned up the glass. I felt like a moron. I didn’t walk the baby on the counter after that, but we walked everywhere else: on the table, on the beds, over couches, and through every room at least a couple of times. We both had a great time.

In the early evening, #1GF! took some apple cake and mini cheesecakes over to the neighbors. I sat outside on our stoop with the baby on my lap, watching the neighborhood kids zipping up and down the street on their bikes. It was a really good day.

#1GF! returned and we went inside, had dinner, and put the baby to bed. We sat on the couch and read through two LOR posts. I ended up posting one. I went back in to write and managed to get one more post done for the day. I felt like I was ahead, but because I hadn’t posted anything the week before, I was actually a week behind.

Tuesday (Day 1038): I Seriously Can’t Stand Her

The baby was up at 4 AM making squelching noises. We went in to check on her, and I was concerned that she was having trouble breathing. She turned out to be crying in her sleep. Even though I knew what the noise was, the baby was on her stomach, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that she was having trouble breathing. She wasn’t, but my brain was running on a 4 AM skeleton crew. #1GF! woke her up to flip her over. We figured better safe than SIDS. We all went back to bed to salvage what was left of a good night’s sleep.

Thanks to the sleep interruption, the baby took hour plus naps during the day, allowing me to get the first round of edits on LOR 144 completed. I was starting into the second pass by the end of the day.

#1GF! got home and took over the baby so that I could make dinner. I made a shepherd’s pie, which I had never done before. I used the framework of a recipe I found online, and switched out ingredients as needed.

#1GF! was intrigued. “Where’d you get a recipe for shepherd’s pie?”

“Rabble rain,” I mumbled.

“Where?”

“Rabble rain.”

#1GF! gave me a little head shake and waited for a real response.

“Fine. Rachael Ray. It was the first recipe that came up on Google.”

#1GF! gave me a smile.

“Oh, no. Don’t think I’m all Auntie Ray Ray this, and girlfriend snap snap that. I still hate her guts. I only used the framework. I subbed out a bunch of stuff and didn’t bother with the parts that seemed stupid.”

“You like her.”

“Oh, rest assured, I still hate her.”

“Boys always say that when they really like someone.”

I shook my head and waited for the conversation to end.

#1GF! went to put the baby to bed, and I put the shepherd’s pie on the stove and covered it with foil. I went to the office to write down my notes on the day.

After I completed my notes, the baby still wasn’t asleep, so I tried to figure out a way to get a word count for the entire Life Of Riley series using a MySQL query. I came close, but had to pull myself out of the code because I ran out of time to invest.

At 9 PM, #1GF! and I had dinner and watched a couple of recorded shows. The shepherd’s pie was pretty good, although the carrots ended up crunchy because the recipe used the general word “chop” instead of the more accurate word, “dice” when describing how to cut up the carrots.

Wednesday (Day 1039): Bikinis In March

It was the last day in March, and it was ninety degrees out. That’s New England. Luckily, the house stayed cool, so the baby and I had a fairly normal day.

A breeze picked up in the afternoon, so I packed the baby into the carriage, and covered half of it with a muslin blanket to keep the sun off of her. I thought a quick walk might do the both of us some good.

We walked along the bay, and the bass tubes were pounding up and down the street. The beach was jumping like it was June. We walked to the nearest Dunkin Donuts so that I could get a coffee, but the place ended up being stuffed to the windows with bikinis. I wasn’t about to wait in line for a coffee that I didn’t really want, so we turned back. Yea, I know. I guess I’m not young or old enough to see a large group of bikinis as anything more than an indicator that I’m probably going to end up annoyed.

There was a good breeze, but at ninety degrees, it was as refreshing as a hair dryer. The baby babbled most of the way home because there weren’t a lot of people for her to look at.

When we got back, I spent an hour trying to put her down for a nap. She was not interested at all. I eventually gave up and let her skip her nap. I made dinner, put it in the fridge, and fed her.

After she ate, the neighbors were home from work and school and outside enjoying the unusually warm weather. I went out to sit on the steps with the baby because she was squealing at the kids through the window. #1GF! came home a few minutes later. The baby and I walked across the lawn and greeted her car as she pulled in.

Once #1GF! parked, I stuffed the baby through the car window. She squealed and stood on her mother’s lap holding on to the steering wheel. I talked to #1GF! for a couple of minutes while the baby enjoyed the car.

#1GF! eventually got out, and we took a look at our yard. We walked over to the neighbor’s house to get a different perspective, and the neighbor opened the window and chatted with us. You want a recipe for happiness? Start with a little sun and some nice neighbors.

We went inside a little while later, and #1GF! fed the baby. I made it through a first pass on LOR 145 and wrote down some notes for the day.

Thursday (Day 1040): Very Frustrating

“Very frustrating.” That’s all I had written for the entire day.

Friday (Day 1041): Is Pakuni Anywhere Near Klingon?

#1GF! spent the morning at her financial advisor, so I did the normal baby care routine until the baby went down for a nap. Then, instead of writing, I ate half a pie for lunch and read RSS feeds until the baby woke up.

#1GF! soon returned and fed the baby. She had taken the day off, and asked what I wanted to do. I wanted to pick up the car at the mechanic’s, drop off a car at her mother’s, visit my parents, and pick up a portable bottle warmer. When given control of our schedule, I really know how to have a good time.

Halfway through the errands, we stopped into Abington Alehouse to get my annual free dinner. I didn’t feel like we should because the day felt so ordinary. #1GF! encouraged me to pull into the parking lot.

We went in and got seated, and the baby contentedly surveyed the surplus of knickknacks hung on the wall. The waitress came over to take our order, and my mind powered down, leaving me to stare at her blankly. When I finally fumbled out an order, it was something that I didn’t want. I changed the order thirty seconds later. The waitress raised her eyebrows, and I asked for a cup of coffee after that.

#1GF! fed the baby, who was relatively quiet. Going out to eat with the baby isn’t all that difficult because she’s really good, but it’s never relaxing. You’re constantly keeping something from falling or pushing something out of the baby’s reach, and you’re always on high alert for any signs of an impending fit. I wouldn’t trade the baby in for a quiet dinner, but once you have a kid, the days of meandering discussions over leisurely meals are gone. Going out to dinner lost a lot of the magic that we never realized it had.

We went to my visit my parents, who made a lemon meringue pie for me like I used to get when I was a kid. Even then, I wasn’t much for cakes. We only stayed for a little over an hour because we had been moving all day, and the baby was getting into the red zone.

The baby had been awake since early afternoon, and was wearing out fast. She finally cried in the car because she was so tired. It was pouring and had been all day. I was sick of rain. We sat at a stoplight with a randomly crying baby while the wipers squeaked like tiny mice on the windshield.

“I can’t believe the day is already over,” I said.

“I’m sorry this wasn’t exactly the birthday you wanted.”

“Eh. I’m not seven anymore. Birthdays don’t have to be perfect.”

“You should get to do what you want on your birthday.”

“I sort of did. You tried to talk me out of running errands, but it was what I wanted to do. I don’t think I have to have an extravagant day of doing exactly what I want, anyway. We have a kid. You don’t get to do what you want any day. We’re out. She’s in. That’s the way it goes. What I think is really important is having people around who want you to have a happy birthday.”

“You got a lot of wishes on Facebook. You know why? Because people like you.” #1GF! smiled at me and I looked at her sideways.

“Actually, this morning, I made my birthday visible on Facebook just so people would wish me a happy birthday.”

“Oh, you’re funny.”

“I did. I’m so lame. So, so lame. I was like, ‘oh look at that. Facebook remembered it’s my birthday. I wonder if they’ll tell anyone.’ I’m lame, but I don’t care. Getting a few birthday wishes made it so worth it. I even got one in Pakuni.”

“Where’s that?”

“No, Pakuni is the language that Chaka spoke on Land of the Lost.”

“Never saw it.”

I sighed. For a woman who defends TV like a family member, it’s as if #1GF! spent her childhood making friends and playing out in the fresh air while the rest of us watched anything that we could when we weren’t on Prodigy or using Fast Hack’em to “share” Commodore 64 games. “You know, I got one in Klingon, too.” I shook my head. “Pure awesome.”

“What’s Klingon?”

“Klingon?”

“Yes, what’s Klingon?”

“Klingon? Star Trek? Klingon?”

#1GF! rolled her eyes. “You can keep saying it, or you can tell me what it is.”

“I cannot believe you sometimes.”

“You’re going to blog this.”

“You know I am. You know what my favorite phone call was?”

“What?”

“One that started off, ‘Happy Birthday, asshole.’ I’ve been laughing about it all day.”

We got home at 8:30 PM, and I cleaned up the bottles and baby toys while #1GF! got the baby ready for bed. By 9 PM, I listened to several birthday songs on the answering machine that moved to the top of my favorite wishes list. Soon after, I was sitting at my desk writing down the day’s events.

Saturday (Day 1042): A Chain Link Hating Clone With A Potentially Dangerous Secret

#1GF! had the baby all morning, and I attempted to lower the crib because the baby was already starting to pull herself up on things. The last thing I wanted was for her to pull herself up and out of the crib.

I tried to take a shortcut, so I tilted the crib on its side to take out the screws holding the bottom in place. I didn’t remove any of the bedding, figuring that it would only take a couple of minutes. After fifteen minutes of struggling, I eventually had to take off the bumper, sheets, mattress, etc. because I couldn’t get at all of the screws. If I did it the right way from the start, it would’ve taken a lot less time.

I put the crib back together, and then there’s a bit of a blank spot in the day. I think I looked up lawnmowers, but it’s also quite possible that I was abducted and replaced by a genetically perfect match from the future. Unlike in the future, detecting clone replacements is nearly impossible due to this century’s primitive technology. Shit. It’s true. If I’m a clone, then some sort of awesome superpower mutation better show up soon. Let’s cross our fingers for some sort of laser beam eyes, or firing, but GPS trackable, rocket cock.

After the baby’s afternoon nap, we ventured out looking for a travel bottle warmer. I had seen one on the internet that didn’t have any reviews mentioning it catching fire (which seems strangely common with bottle warmers), so we went to a local store to pick it up. The store didn’t typically carry baby stuff, and asked us the same questions fifty times before telling us that it was probably an online only thing.

We went home and fed the baby, went to Wal-mart for formula, and then went to the mall to pick up a few T-shirts.

“What about orange?” asked #1GF!.

“I’ll look like I work for the highway department.”

“Green?”

“Parks department.”

She looked at me. “Okay, fine. But get something. You need more T-shirts.”

85% of what I picked out was either blue or black. #1GF! rolled her eyes as I brought them to the register.

“You’re a big T-shirt guy, huh?” asked the kid behind the register.

The kid’s dangling modifier bothered me, but I smirked like he was amusing. What the fuck is a big T-shirt guy?

Even though I know better than to start projects in the late afternoon, when we got home, I went out to take down the chain link fence in front of our house. After a lot of digging and hauling, I had the fence down before dusk. The only thing left was the gate. I was running out of daylight, but the bolts holding the gate onto the posts were so rusted that they were stripping faster than they were moving. I wrestled with a pair of vice grips until it got too dark.

I was not going 90% on the project. I went in the house, got a flashlight and a Dremel, and managed to cut one of the bolts…partway. The Dremel blade was too small to cut the whole bolt.

It was dark, so as far as anyone watching could tell, I was leaning in close to the gate and pointing at something interesting. If I wasn’t such a refined, levelheaded gentleman, I may have gotten so aggravated that I started talking to the gate, growling questions at it like, “Oh really, motherfucker? That’s how you want it?”

The next thing anyone knew, I called on the power of Greyskull and lifted the gate, post and all, out of the ground with a mighty heave. I would’ve been as surprised as anyone, were there anyone around. I tried to act like that was exactly what I meant to do, so I hauled the gate and the post to the back yard, and that was that. I still had to dig up the remaining six posts, but that would have to wait until there was more daylight.

I went in, showered, and #1GF! edited two LOR posts for me. I wasn’t particularly proud of either of them. I can only afford to make two editing passes before handing the posts over to her, and I think things smooth out on the third pass.

Once the posts were edited, and the baby was in bed, I went out to pick up pizza for dinner. I also picked up the local paper so that #1GF! could enjoy the police log.

To close out the night, #1GF! and I watched the rest of the first season of East Bound And Down. The episodes weren’t as funny as the first half of the season because some of the shock had worn off, but it was still funny. While I sat there, I ate a whole mini lemon meringue pie. It’s amazing how your definition of a good Saturday changes as you age.

What I Learned

• Breaded bacon is not as good as regular bacon.
• Don’t walk the baby on the counter when there are glasses on there.
• I can make a shepherd’s pie.
• A large group of bikinis is less of an attractor than an indicator that I’m probably going to end up annoyed.
• Even if you don’t make a big deal out of your birthday, it’s even less of a big deal once you have a kid.
• Neither Pakuni nor Klingon are in #1GF!’s vocabulary. It’s almost like we grew up in different countries.
• When you lower the crib, take out the mattress and the bumpers first.
• A Dremel will cut through a bolt as long as you have clearance.
• My definition of a good Saturday has changed as I’ve aged.

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Posted in Life of Riley