This is week 87 of The Life of Riley, a weekly post detailing my activities since I ended a thirteen year career as a corporate drone. These posts are usually long, personal, and geared more for my own memory than the reader’s entertainment.

Sunday (Day 595): Focus On The Journey

I got up and shoveled six inches of snow off the ground, and then watched a movie and a couple of home shows. When I was burned out on TV, I broke out Lost Cities, and #1GF! and I played until I couldn’t stand playing another hand.

Normally, I have no problem staying home, but I think I was a little stir crazy from being in the house for a couple of days and I couldn’t settle into anything. I didn’t have anything I wanted to do, but I didn’t like not being deprived of the option of going out if I felt like it. I didn’t feel like it, but still…

We watched a couple of episodes of Run’s House, a reality show featuring Joe Simmons (Rev. Run) of Run DMC. The show’s message was to avoid focusing on the destination because it never ends up being what you thought it would be. I thought about how fun it is to spend my days writing and then thought, “Words aren’t going to buy you a dope rope chain with a beard medallion on it, home slice. Save that feel good mumbo jumbo for when you have enough money to realize that it won’t buy happiness.” I lay in bed thinking of book ideas to extend the journey a bit longer, but didn’t come up with anything interesting.

Monday (Day 596): Still Afloat

The pines stooped under the weight of the new snow, and everything looked like it had been frosted like an old time Christmas card. Every branch was covered with a plop of white. By the time I got out, it was well below freezing, so the snow was fluffy and light. It only took a half hour to clear away the six plus additional inches that had fallen overnight. This is New England. Without snow, what would winter be?

We went to the hospital for #1GF!’s first trimester screening. We had to talk to a councilor about our family histories and other stuff. When she asked if we had any questions, we mentioned that the conception date that the hospital told us seemed like it was three weeks earlier than we thought. The councilor lowered her voice and looked at me. “Were you out of town?” she asked.

I laughed. “No.”

She seemed relieved. She said that things like that happened sometimes, and it was not pretty when it did.

We went in for the ultrasound, but the experience wasn’t as incredible as the first one. It was still awesome to see the baby, but the visit was mostly to measure the baby to make sure that it was developing properly, so we were a little more nervous than excited.

We went out and had breakfast at a diner that was playing country with a lot of lap steel over the stereo system. This is really unusual for the Boston area. It made it feel like #1GF! and I were on a trip somewhere and had wandered in to fuel up before seeking out local attractions like the largest ball of twine or the largest chair ever manufactured.

I had the “hungry man” breakfast, which was pretty much two of everything they had in the kitchen. When the waitress dropped off the food, she asked if I was the hungry man. I couldn’t think of anything witty to say, so I just hung my head and shamefully mumbled that I was.

After breakfast, we picked up birthday gifts for #1GF!’s family and dropped off a phone to #1GF!’s Mom to replace the one that died on her. We found out that the phone wasn’t the right brand to work with her mom’s auxiliary phones, so I convinced #1GF! that we should go back to the store and get another phone. We exchanged the phones and brought the right one back to the house with no fuss, no mess, and everyone ending up happy.

We headed home, and I finished shoveling the snow that the plow dropped in front of the driveway. I tried to make a snow man to crack up #1GF!, but for some reason, my rolling action was not picking up any snow. I rolled the ball hard and then soft, and straight and in circles, and it seemed to lose more snow than it gained. How the hell do you fail at making a snowman? How? I gave up, threw a head sized ball of snow out into the yard, and went back inside the house before the neighbors started wondering what I was doing.

#1GF! went in for a nap and I sat down to solve the cube. I was consistently in the mid three minute range, which showed that I was generally getting faster. Hooray for me. I was improving at the Rubik’s Cube. Now, that’s a job skill I can take to the bank. I didn’t want to make any noise, but I was bored and feeling like I haven’t accomplished anything in a while. Both were my own fault and a result of a lack of creative thinking.

I sat there with the cube, thinking about how when I was a kid, I thought that I was going to be some hot shot version of Alex P. Keaton when I got older. I’d make a million bucks in the stock market, get married, buy a house, have a couple of kids, and die in a retirement home after a bowl of the best tapioca pudding that money could buy.

And even thought I might’ve been on that road at one time, not everything has gone according to plan. The house burned down, the wife ran off, and I quit the job because it didn’t seem like something I wanted to do forever. I wasn’t anywhere that I thought that I’d be except on the couch. By myself. With a Rubik’s Cube.

Yet, none of it sunk me. I redesigned the house and sold it, met a nice girl who actually cares what I think, and even though I’m not making any real money with this blog, I think it’s probably the most fun that I’ve had working on anything.

Despite being jobless and unable to start a book, knowing that #1GF! was in the other room sleeping was worth a million years of steady asset appreciation and smooth sailing. Instead of mapping out goals and charting a course for them, I’ve instead found that I have the ability to roll with any waves that come my way. I might not know where I’m going, but I have the tools to stay afloat if I never reach dry land.

I was going to make dinner, but I threw a frozen chicken pot pie in the oven instead. I then went to wake up #1GF!.

We watched The Visitor, which was from the makers of The Station Agent, and despite not having a neatly packaged happy ending, the movie was really good. The characters were excellently created and the acting was really well done.

Tuesday (Day 597): Inauguration Day

It was snowing again, which seems to be the norm around here this winter, but hey, here’s something new: we have plumbing issues again. When #1GF! took a shower, she heard the toilet start bubbling, which is not a good sign for any plumbing fixture that you’re nowhere near.

I went down to the basement, and our plumbing stack was full of warm water like it had been a few months ago. The toilet was bubbling because it was letting out the last bit of air to warn us that there would soon be water all over the the floor. #1GF! looked nervous, and my angry face was probably not helping.

I couldn’t believe that we could possibly still have plumbing issues and assumed that it had to be some sort of fluke. We just paid a few hundred bucks to have the main drain of the house cleaned out less than three months before. I started asking #1GF! if she had been releasing any extra large snakes into the drain. She is a lady, and was not amused.

I decided to give the pipes a some time to drain, just in case it was a simple clog that the pressure would push down the line. When I checked the plumbing stack fifteen minutes later, all the water had drained out. I told #1GF! that it was probably just a fluke and not another plumbing issue, but that we’d keep an eye on it. What I was really doing was sticking my head in the sand.

I showered a little while later and the problem seemed like it had vanished. I was cautiously relieved. Once #1GF! left for work, I sat down to edit five or so weeks of LOR. I got two published and then chatted with my cousin on Facebook. I have grown to hate a lot of social sites in the past (I’m looking at you, Friendster), but I really, really like Facebook, kids.

While I wouldn’t even try to say that I was ahead of the curve, you might remember that I tried to get people actively on Facebook way back in September of 2007 with Why Aren’t You On Facebook Yet, Grampy? And everyone thought I was nuts.

Now, it seems like everyone is on Facebook. I don’t blame them because it makes it so easy to stay in contact with people. But, as the age of the average Facebook user is dragged upward, you have to wonder if Facebook will be replaced by something younger, faster, and more interesting in the near future.

I’m not a very political guy, but I took a break from the PC to watch the inauguration of Barack Obama, just in case it really turned out the be one of those moments in history that people remember. It wasn’t. I wanted a dream and I got a yawn.

The inauguration and the related speeches were some of the most uninspiring I’ve heard, and there was an awful lot of religion mixed in. One guy actually said the Our Father. I’m all for people praying if that’s what they’re into, but if I remember correctly, there is something about the separation of church and state that is slowly being forgotten here in America. As I tried to stay interested, I noticed that Obama flubbed the wording of the oath of office. I wondered whether Obama actually got inaugurated, and shut the TV off because I had used up my annual amount of political fervor.

I thought I should perk myself up with something a bit more interesting, so I read about the flash pattern of the lighthouse on Minot’s Ledge. If you’re still awake, you’re probably wondering, “why?” If you’re not awake, I’ll try to tell this next little bit quietly.

#1GF! were eating dinner one night, and I noticed that the lighthouse out in the middle of the ocean was flashing a 1 4 3 pattern over and over. I told #1GF! that it was something I did for her special, which of course, she refused to believe because, well, pimps like me are notorious liars. I made a mental note to look up what it was later, but didn’t press down with the mental pen hard enough and forgot. That was months ago.

What I found out today was that the Minot’s Ledge Lighthouse is a 97 foot granite tower standing one mile off the Scituate coast. It stands on a twenty foot wide rock ledge that is above water for two to three hours per. The lighthouse was constructed in 1860 and first started its unique 1-4-3 flashing pattern in 1894. It has become known as the “lover’s light” because the 1-4-3 matches up with the letters in the words, “I love you”. I’m glad I found this all out now, because if I knew it as a teenager, I would’ve used it to trick ladies into getting on my jock. Whick tshhh.

Wednesday (Day 598): The Second Cleaning

When #1GF! took her morning shower, the plumbing stack filled up again and then drained out the same way it had the day before. Because my regular plumber and I are having major issues, I rejoined Angie’s List to try to find a drain company. I found out that the average cost to have someone shove a camera up your drain is $500. For those prices, I would expect not only for the procedure to be performed in a hospital by qualified medical personnel, but for a bit of pillow talk afterward.

There was nothing that I could do, so I called a company and asked them to come out to send a camera down the line. They called at 11 to tell me that they were on their way, just when the van of the original plumber (from the original contractor who ran off) drove by the house. It didn’t stop. I can’t say what I would’ve done if I saw it stopped on the street, but as it was I just muttered, “Well, sunufabitch. You better keep going.”

I shoveled a path to the bulkhead so that the drain guy wouldn’t have to drag his equipment through a foot of snow before bringing it into my house. I wish it was entirely to make things easier for the guy, but I’m not going to deny that is a part of me that doesn’t want snow a snow / poo mix melting all over my basement floor. I went back inside, and as soon as I started doing the Rubik’s cube for time, the drain guy showed up. I’m going to have to use that trick when I’m waiting for other things.

The guy pulled into the driveway and walked across the yard. He was on the phone, so he would walk towards the door and I would open it. Then, he would realize that he wasn’t done with the conversation and walk away, causing me to close the door. Then he’d turn back like he was coming in, and I’d open it again. This went on more times than you’d expect until I gave up and stopped opening the door.

The guy was really nice and I talked to him the whole time he was there. In my experience, drain guys like to talk, which is fine, because if you’re standing there, not talking is a lot more awkward. The guy said that a lot of people won’t talk to him because they think that drain guys are below them, which I thought sucked. I tried to visualize those people, and the only nice thing about the people in my head were their clothes.

I watched the camera go down the drain, which was was a lot higher resolution than I expected. The camera hit the clog, but wouldn’t go through. There was bits of poop floating everywhere down there and there was no amount of moving the camera gave a better look at what was in the way.

The drain guy said that he was sorry but that he was going to have to snake out the drain before he could get the camera through. I went out with him and asked if he needed any help. He gave me some latex gloves and I helped him carry some of the stuff in. I knew that drain equipment is dirty, but I’m telling you right now that drain equipment is a whole new level of dirty. My gloves were covered in muck from things that I thought were dry.

The drain guy ran the snake down the drain and found that the blockage was about where the new footing for our porch is. I wondered if some early contractor might’ve cracked a sewer pipe by putting a footing on top of it and then covered it up. It wouldn’t have been out of the ordinary, so I was looking forward to the next camera run.

Once the drain was clear, I ran the water to flush it all out all the poop and stuff so that we could see. The camera went down, and there wasn’t any noticeable damage at all. Whatever was in there got pushed out into the sewer. It seemed like it must’ve been some leftover spray foam insulation, because there were no holes, no cracks, no drops or anything wrong with the pipe at all.

I wanted a $500 answer that I didn’t get, but the guy said the pipe was in good shape and I should be happy that there wasn’t anything big wrong. The pipe was clear from the house to the street and I had a VHS tape to prove it. It was the most expensive VHS tape I had ever bought, even if you include my copy of C.H.U.D. I could show the tape to #1GF! if I wanted to dig through boxes for a VCR, but the odds were that I’d never get around to it. The drain guy packed up his truck and told me that the work was guaranteed for three months.

Even though it cost me $500, it was a relief to have the drain completely, and verifiably clear. I let #1GF! know that things were ok, and then went to do some food shopping. When I got home, I marinated some BBQ ribs to see if we could give the newly cleaned pipes a proper workout. For the rest of the day, I sat writing.

A little before dinner, I started a batch of kale soup. Halfway through cooking, I realized that I grossly miscalculated the amount of chicken broth I needed and ran out to a local store to pick it up. #1GF! was less than psyched. She was also not pleased that I used hot Italian sausage instead of chorizo to avoid some of the nitrates, but sometimes I cook however I want to.

I watched American Idol with #1GF! because sometimes it’s fun to laugh at the crappy early contestants. Unfortunately for me, there weren’t a lot of crappy contestants, so I lost interest pretty quickly.

Thursday (Day 599): Oven Baked BBQ Ribs

I tested out a navigation improving WordPress plugin called WP-Pagenavi, but it wasn’t exactly what I was looking for, so I deleted it. I spent the afternoon writing and editing LOR Week 79 and 80.

At 3PM, I wrapped the ribs that had been marinating for 24 hours into a packet of tin foil and chucked them into the oven at 300 degrees. They remained there for three hours. Considering the tiny amount of effort that went into them, they turned out unbelievably.

After dinner, we watched Ghost Town (starring Ricky Gervais from the British version of The Office), which was amusing, but only in a Disney sort of way.

Friday (Day 600): Ted Knight And The Famous Beardo

I did more chatting with people on Facebook than I ever have and ended up talking to a kid I haven’t talked to since middle school. A lot of people have been looking me up on there, which it’s more than a little weird for someone who has a propensity for tossing out whole groups of friends every few years and never really looking back.

I finished LOR Weeks 80 and 81, and just as I started on Week 82, I started talking to my cousin through Facebook chat. She told me a story about her roommate.

I guess her roommate is one of those rare women who has a strange infatuation with beards. She called my cousin in to look at this crazy guy with all these different beards that she found on StumbleUpon. She stared at the screen and blurted out, “OH MY GOD. THAT’S MY COUSIN.” She said that she felt an odd mix of shock and pride. Her roommate was jealous. I felt sort of cool.

Once #1GF! got home, I started doing my awful Ted Baxter impersonation, which consists of me talking in a low voice and directing all my questions to “Mar”. It’s really so awful that #1GF! has no choice but to laugh at it. It’s as terrible, if not worse than my Moooorgan Freeman impression. There I go again. Moooorgan Freeman.

On a whim, I looked up Ted Knight, and was dumbfounded to find out that he died. In 1986. Ted Knight is dead? What the hell, Mar? My only comedic venues are bad impressions of actors that have been dead for 25 years? Christ, is this what it means to get old because I am not cool with this.

Saturday (Day 601): Breakfast On Hoth

#1GF! wanted to go out to breakfast, but I resisted because going out to breakfast is more of a Sunday thing to me. I tried everything to not go, and even tried to use the icy temperatures as a last resort, but #1GF! wasn’t having it. She wanted to go to breakfast, and we were going to use our legs to get us there.

She tried to soften me up by telling me that it would be warm and that we should get out before temperatures dropped later on. I assume she knew what she was talking about because she watches the news all the time.

When we got outside, anything outside of the Gor-tex got chilly pretty quickly. When we got to the end of our block, we we were greeted with an arctic wind that would not let up. It was only about a mile walk, but by the time we got to the restaurant, a line between my ears and throat was aching from the cold.

Sometimes, the reward for suffering can be worth it though. Our local restaurant had a pork chop and egg breakfast with baked beans on special. Sound weird? It was weird. You don’t typically see baked beans on the breakfast menu much in New England these days, and I have never seen a pork chop. I’m not even a fan of dinner foods in the morning, but the only way this breakfast could’ve gotten better would have been if they wrapped the whole thing in bacon, dunked it in Twinkie batter and fried it. As it was, it was delicious.

When we left, we realized that wind we faced on the way down was actually a tailwind, and was nothing compared to the icy headwind we faced the whole way back. We had to talk over the wind the whole way home, and a couple of times, I longed for a pre-slit Tauntaun to curl up in.

Once we got in the house and warmed up a little, #1GF! and I put up our dining room light, which had been sitting in the attic for a month. The electrician said that he’d come back and install it when it was delivered, but I didn’t want to waste time waiting for someone to do something for me that I could probably figure out on my own.

We had the light together and installed in about an hour, even though we had to do it twice. The last step in the instructions was something like “Oh, and by the way, I hope you didn’t forget to put lock-tite on all the screw threads”.

If you’re going to put that in the instructions, why not put that somewhere near the step where you’re assembling the screws instead of at the end? I felt like I had been given one of those tests that tells you to read all of the directions and then hand it in without doing anything. #1GF! wanted to leave the fixture as is, but I took the light down, applied the lock-tite, and then put the it back up. It worked flawlessly. On goes on and off stays off, just like a light is supposed to.

Feeling like I was on a roll, I tried to clean the fireplace with a mixture of soap and salt because I couldn’t find anything on the internet on how to clean a fireplace without using muriatic acid. The soap and salt turned out to be a lot of scrubbing for very little result.

Once I ran out of steam on that project, I went outside to chip ice to minimize the chance that one of us would end up on our asses the next time we left the house. The ice was a couple of inches thick thanks to freezing temperatures, so it took a little longer than I expected. I came back in and did the cube in 2:53, which wasn’t my best, but was one of the few times that I’ve fallen below three minutes.

What I Learned

• I am the hungry man.
• If they give you lock-tite, but don’t tell you to apply it to screw threads, chances are they will tell you at some point later in the directions when things are pretty much complete.
• Pork chops and eggs is a fantastic breakfast.
• Soap and salt don’t clean soot.
• I cannot plan my life.
• It costs $500 to shove a camera down your main drain.
• I was about 18 months ahead of most people I know with respect to Facebook.
• I found out about the Minot Ledge Lighthouse’s 1 4 3 light pattern, which seems stupid to have missed considering all the time I spent in Scituate as a teenager.
• Oven baked BBQ ribs are remarkably simple and incredibly delicious.
• The key to a good kale soup is smoked paprika.
• I’m a little bit famous.
• Ted Knight died in 1986, Mar. 1986.
• When I try to think of a word meaning “placate” or “soften up”, my first stop is “assuage”. I always have to look up a synonym for it to sound like a normal human being.

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