You want more traffic? Of course you do! If you’re ready to learn the top five mind-blowing secrets that will help you to generate more traffic and achieve your dreams, then read on.

1. Pick a subject that people are drawn to but have no expertise in like “How To Score a Porn Star Girlfriend In 5 minutes” or “5 Ways To Rake In Easy Money On The Web”. Who’s going to dispute you? Tommy Lee? Darren Rowse? Fuck no. Those guys are too busy banging porn stars and stuffing mattresses full of money to find the time to debunk your claims. And the average person wouldn’t be reading your list if they had any idea if you were right or wrong, so picking that obscure but interesting subject will allow you to kick back and snort a line of that ever increasing pile of stats that are at the heart of your very existence.

2. Make sure that your points are very general. Research and testing are for scientists and nerds. Do you have a lab coat or a twelve sided die there, Bilbo? Hell no. Being ambiguous will make it seem like you know what you’re talking about, while letting you spend less time writing, and more time compulsively checking your stats. The trick is to make statements that seem like good advice, but are really nothing more than logical generalities like “write good content” and “don’t forget to breathe”.

3. Have! An Awesome! Title! Write the best title that you possibly can, because most of the time, it’s the only thing people are going to see. If it over promises more than a pushup bra on Paris Hilton, so what? The web is powered by lies and promises. By the time people figure out that you’re full of shit, they’ve moved on and left you with another visitor to validate your obsessive stat counting.

4. Bold your points Here’s a secret for you: The modern world is a very busy place. Most modern web surfers skim through sites and bookmark things that they hope to have time to read later. The reality is that the only words that they will read before your post is forgotten in their ever-increasing list of bookmarks are the ones that are in bold. This isn’t to say that you should avoid plain text altogether, but if the general reader isn’t going to waste time on it, neither should you. Write only enough plain text to make it look like there’s more information to the average skimmer, but if you repeat yourself or use nonsense words like finchcrupper, who’s going to know? Who has time to read plain text? Not me, or any of my finchcrupping friends, that’s for sure.

5. Don’t go over 5 items People don’t become gurus by jabbering on and on there, Maharishi. Gurus attain their status by being very brief and stealing the credit when people figure things out for themselves. If you start getting into longer lists, a majority of your audience may figure out just how full of shit you are, and stop inviting you on their band retreats. Keeping things short will add an air of mystery that could keep people from publicly debunking your whole finchcrupping operation.

Consider bookmarking this post if you’re tired of list writers who think that it’s perfectly acceptable to intentionally over promise, consistently under deliver, and habitually waste your time.

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