I’m a geek. I never watch sports. I don’t watch when local sports teams are losing, and I don’t jump on the bandwagon when they’re winning. As the Pats marched through their 18 and 0 season this year, I didn’t bother to watch a single game.

Last night, Pats fans, you were robbed of flipping over cars to celebrate a Super Bowl win. I’d like to let you continue to blame the mayor for prematurely planning a victory parade, or for not hugging your lucky football tight enough during the second half, but I have to come clean.

Last night, instead of doing something useful with my time, I maliciously sat down and watched the Super Bowl from end to end (including all of the commercials) with no regard for the Pats undefeated season. The Pats did the best that they could considering my absolute power over their ability to win or lose. I watched, and was the reason that you had to pee in a toilet rather than taking a victory wiz in the middle of the street last night.

Sorry, Pats fans. Don’t send me hate mail. It was an abuse of my power, and I promise not to force the outcome of local sports matches in years to come.

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