The Life of Riley is a weekly post that details my activities since I ended a thirteen year career as a corporate drone. These posts are usually long, personal, and geared more for my own memory than the reader’s entertainment.

Sunday (Day 217): The Human Screw Gun

#1GF! got a call from a former co-worker who wanted to see the house. Typically, this would mean me wandering around finding more problems with the house, but the woman’s three little girls kept me busy by running around and screaming. Once again, we proved that there is something in children that makes them see me as nothing more than a giant toy.

Afterward, we went to #1GF!’s Mom’s house to fix one of her blinds. This is typically a matter of spending $2 on a blind from a Home Depot and popping it in. Not today. They had everything but the size we needed in the cheap blind section, meaning we had to get a blind that was eight times the cost and have it cut down to the right size. Because there was no one in home depot who could cut a blind, we had to explain why we were waiting to five different employees over the course of fifteen minutes. Finally, someone came over and cut one for us. A blind. They cut a blind for us. I thought that should be clarified for anyone who thinks that we were waiting around for a flatulent clerk.

Because the blind was a different brand, it didn’t fit in the mounts that were on the window, meaning we had to put up new mounts. Unfortunately, #1GF!’s Mom didn’t have a screw gun or a drill so that we could just pop new mounts in. After a few minutes of asking incredulously if #1GF! and her mom were certain that there was no drill in the house, I attempted to adapt and overcome. I rolled back the hands of time 80 years and tapped out pilot holes with nails and hand screwed in six one-inch screws with a screwdriver. I’m embarrassed to say that there was a lot of resting, fussing, and wishing I had Popeye forearms.

At some point in the middle, a screw gun was found, but it had never been charged. It was charged for fifteen minutes and used to finish the screws off before it died. At that point, I was forgoing the technical term, “screws” for the more colorful term, “little bastards”. I was also asking the screws if they “like that” when driving them in the final quarter of an inch. By then, it was 3 PM and the project probably would’ve taken less time if we drove all the way home to get the proper tools, but #1GF! and her mom would’ve been denied such an entertaining display of insanity.

After the job was done, #1GF! and I stopped into the library so that I could pick up something to read. I wanted to get some existential philosophy, but ended up settling for a couple of marketing books. I wasn’t exactly thrilled with my choices, but I needed something that didn’t require a monitor to read. Afterward, #1GF! convinced me to go out for Mexican food rather than going home to cook. Resistance was futile. We finished off the night with an episode from the final season of the Sopranos which featured a song called “Ridin’ Dirty” by Chamillionaire, which I had never heard before. I was in awe because I know the song as Weird Al’s “White and Nerdy”. I felt really lame for having no idea about the original.

Monday (Day 218): Toying With Quitting

I blew off the web from 8AM to 1PM and read Permission Marketing by Seth Godin from cover to cover. It was a quick read, and I came away with a couple ideas.

I typically post 6 days a week, but I’ve been toying with the idea of slowing it down or hanging it up to work on other things. That idea faded, as I was on the web by 1PM, although not in any great capacity.

At night, we met with the architect to discuss our plans. Everything seemed to go smoothly. After we got home, I seem to have lost my comb because I was storing it my hair as if my hair were an afro and the comb was a hair pick. Because short, straight hair lacks the holding power of the afro, the comb fell out of my hair and vanished into some crevice that will probably not be uncovered until we pack up to move.

Tuesday (Day 219): Reading Until I Didn’t Care

I went through my daily reads that I’ve been ignoring for the last two weeks. By the end, I didn’t care about what anyone on the ‘net was saying anymore. I spent part of the night trying to revise the architects plans, and went to bed thinking that I had solved some of the design problems. When I woke up, I realized that I had been dreaming about eating chocolate covered figs. I remember thinking that the chocolate was good, but it didn’t hide the fact that it was still a fig. I wondered if that dream needed further analysis.

Wednesday (Day 220): Breaking the Cycle

I worked on revising the architects plans almost all day and decided not to publish for the first time in six months. I work hard to publish every day, and had plenty of articles to publish, but I felt like I needed to take a step back. Posting was becoming an obligation rather than something that I really enjoy. Breaking the posting cycle was difficult because I feel almost compelled to publish daily.

Thursday (Day 221): Plans, Frustrations, And A Savage Beard

I didn’t publish for the second day this week. I have been publishing six days a week for the last six months, and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it anymore. Publishing felt like an obligation, and it’s slave labor at the money I’m making. I tried to take a day off from the computer, but I ended up writing all day anyway. I planned out an idea for a new site and thought about digging through my archives to pull out the posts that would serve as the basis for a David Sedaris style book. This idea has been kicking around in my head for years, and as usual, I never got around to it.

I worked on more architectural plans, which sucked because I’m paying a guy a few hundred an hour to draw up plans while we continue to work on the plans as well. I have the same level of frustration, and now I’m losing money with it. At one point, I went over to the house because I was convinced that we had a wrong measurement on the plans. I was right that the measurement was wrong, but it wasn’t as wrong as I had hoped. In any case, I thought I had more space than I really did. Rearranging a house is like a massive game of Tetris.

When I got to the point where I was going call #1GF! and attempt to convince her that we should give up on all the changes and move into the house as it is, my Dad called. This was probably a good thing. I sat there talking in the big empty house until after it got dark, and like the absent minded hobo that I am, I failed to turn on any lights. So there I was, sitting in the dark of a big empty house while my new neighbors probably wondered what the hell I was doing by myself in the dark.

On the way home, I thought about going to buy a new comb for my beard, but I wasn’t sure where I could get a comb near my house. I thought about driving 15 minutes to the nearest drugstore, but then blew off the idea in favor of a more savage beard look. The idea was short lived because #1GF! had stopped off and bought me a comb because she couldn’t stand my growing facial savagery. For the rest of the night, I worked on the architectural plans with #1GF! who helped to piece things together to the point where it felt like we were pretty close to finished.

Friday (Day 222): Gloriously Unemployed and Semi-Insane

I wouldn’t turn on the PC because there were thunderstorms all morning, so I started futzing around with a couple of projects that have been idle for years. I tried to resurrect my $5 TV projector, got bored, and started working on some sun jars. I got bored with those pretty quickly and within 30 minutes of #1GF! leaving for work, I had cleaned up the mess and plopped myself on the couch to read a marketing book.

This was the first time in a while that I took advantage of the fact that I don’t have a job. While most of you were toiling away for your idiot bosses, I was sitting on the couch in the middle of a rain storm reading a book. It was great. By the afternoon, I was refreshed and itching to write.

When I flipped on my PC, I was a little stunned to have an e-mail from the woman who had written the note that I featured in I Still Look For Your Fingerprints. What do you say to someone who has written one of the most concise statements of grief that you have ever read? I didn’t know either, and I probably ended up sounding like an idiot in my reply.

When #1GF! got home, I told her about my idea to buy overalls, a red shirt, and tube socks and just wear them around town. I also told her about my idea to cut my hair like Mr. T. I thought it would be awesome to see a skinny, white, goldless Mr. T running around. I thought it would be even more awesome if I pretended not to know who Mr. T was. Because the idea is in the realm of possibility, #1GF! was fearfully unamused.

Saturday (Day 223): Demons of Uncool

#1GF! had some family business to attend to, so she left me in the house all day. Because I’ve been a little web-averse lately, I ended up spending the day playing the guitar. Once I realized that I was playing the theme to Battlestar Galactica in various styles, I gave up and decided to bust out the drum machine for a little while. That was fun until I realized that a beat that I was pretty happy with sounded a lot like “the Chicken Dance”. That’s when I pulled the plug and threw everything back into the closet.

If I had a chicken, I would’ve thought seriously about sacrificing it to banish whatever uncool demon that had been possessing me, but I was a little lacking in the chicken department. I did have some leftover chicken breasts in the fridge, but I could see #1GF! being less than understanding if I smeared them all over the closet. Instead, I settled for shrugging and attempting to shower the uncool off of me. As you can see, it didn’t work.

What I Learned

• The power of writing compels me. I can’t seem to stop even when I want to.
• I’ve taken days off before, but I’m always thinking about writing. I realized that a day off isn’t really a day off unless I’m not thinking about work.
• I’ll write even if you’re not here.
• I have lost any tiny sliver of musical ability.
• Being out of work is way more fun if you’re doing things that working people can’t.
• No matter what I tell you, I’m uncool to the core.
• I’ve proven beyond a doubt that there isn’t a kid alive who isn’t drawn to me. I have no idea why. If I only had that power over dollar bills.
• A lot of people aren’t interested in what I say, but at least some are interested in the way I say it.
• I also had a brief thought that my style of funny is more strange than haha. I’m not sure how I feel about that.
• Not working out has a price, and that price is not being able to call yourself “The Human Screw Gun”.
• There are so many books in the library. One day I think it would be fun to wander into a random section and just start reading.
• I need to work on expressing when I’m frustrated with certain situations so that people involved don’t think that I’m frustrated with them.
• I may need to start another site to pull more money out of this web thing. I may even have to start a few sites.
• If you store a comb in your short, straight hair as if it is tight, curly hair, you will eventually lose said comb.
• The web is more about giving than selling, more about people than pages, and more about dialogs than server logs.

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