The Life of Riley is a weekly post that details my activities since I ended a thirteen year career as a corporate drone. These posts are usually long, personal, and geared more for my own memory than the reader’s entertainment.

Sunday (Day 203): Orangettes

Dropped off presents at #1GF!’s Mom’s house because Christmas is insane. Came home for a quick sandwich before heading out to the grocery and package stores. Made calls to people who never call me back wishing them happy holidays.

Settled in to make orangettes, and found that my oranges were moldy. Headed back out to the store to get some. On the way, we drove by a former co-worker’s house. He had three houses on his street synchronized to several songs and had the music broadcast to your car radio so that you didn’t even have to open your window to hear it. One of the songs was the Chipmunks, and each house was assigned to a chipmunk as they sang. You could tell that a lot of effort went into it, and it was good enough that I didn’t know if it was cool or reason for concern.

Monday (Day 204): Christmas Eve

Digital D called and said he had some time to kill in between leaving work and going to his parents’ house. It took me a few minutes to realize that he was politely letting me know that he wanted to stop by. I’m clueless when it comes to humans. I eventually caught on and invited him down. We showed him our house and grabbed some lunch at a local restaurant. It was cool.

After lunch, D went on his way and we rushed to get ready for the Christmas eve running around. I was supposed to be getting ready, but I was making up a batch of Chimichurri rub. We picked up my sister and headed over to one of my friend’s parents’ Christmas eve open house. We were supposed to hit more places afterward, but we grabbed some Chinese food and headed over to my parents’ house. I gave them the orangettes, which I was particularly proud of, so I thought it was nice of my Dad to pretend to like them as his nostrils flared with distaste. He later described them as that chocolate in the box that you want to throw back. I thought that was pretty funny.

Tuesday (Day 205): The (Almost) $250,000 Christmas

We went to my parents’ house in the morning to open gifts. My sister made eggs in potato nests, which were pretty good. She made something else that was as well received as my orangettes. Hey, it happens when you experiment with cooking.

While opening gifts, I was shocked whenever I got something I wanted. It was like having Alzheimer’s. I had forgotten that I gave my parents a list of CDs and games that I wanted. Duh. I felt like I didn’t give enough gifts and that the gifts that I gave sucked. That’s one of the reasons that I used to hate Christmas.

At noon, we went to #1GF!’s Mom’s house, and I kept trying with the orangettes. #1GF!’s niece ate half of one and gave the rest back. You know there’s something wrong when a kid refuses candy, so it looks like my Dad has good taste after all.

The first gift I got was scratch tickets. I normally scratch them by scratching the numbers and then scratching off the prize only if there is a match. I needed a flat surface because the coin wasn’t scratching well, so I moved myself out of the present opening melee of the living room to quiet of the kitchen counter. When I found that I had matched an 8, I was pretty excited even though it looked like it was only a $2 win. As I scratched the prize, I saw $25, $250, $2500 (WTF?!), $25,000, and then $250,000. I leaned both my hands on the counter and thought, “That can’t be right. That would be the best Christmas ever. I wonder what the taxes are on that. This is going to make a great blog entry. Wait, this can’t be right.”

As I scratched the numbers again, I found that my matching 8’s were actually an 8 and an 18. I leaned my hands back on the counter and let out a “Fuuuck.” After I composed myself, I had to tell the story a few times. I may not have won $250,000, but I know exactly what winning $250,000 feels like. Merry Christmas to me.

During dinner, #1GF!’s 4 year old niece wouldn’t let anyone roll up her sleeves but me because I made a whistling sound when I did it. She also requested (do 4 year olds request or demand?) that I sit next to her at dinner. During dinner, she turned to me in the sweetest voice and said, “Jonny?” When I turned she said, “I love yoooouuu.” Kids man. They know how to make you feel like a million, don’t they?

After dinner, my parents showed up for desert and my sister got grilled by #1GF!’s sister as to why she lives on the West Coast. You would have thought my mother was behind the whole thing.

When we got home, #1GF! called her mom to tell her that she was home safely. It reminded me of the old days when people would call my grandmother’s house with a single ring to let her know that they had made it home. I thought it would be funny to get in on the act too, so I called my parents to tell them I made it home safely. They laughed at me.

Wednesday (Day 206): Games All Day

Gave #1GF!’s sister and her family a tour of our new house. We then invited my parents and sister over to play games. We listened to almost all of my Christmas CD’s as we played Redneck Life (which I hated for being long and requiring no skill), Give Me The Brain (which was interesting but too long), and Guillotine (which was simple and fun). I tried to learn the rules to other games as games were being played, but rule reading isn’t a lot of fun so I gave up a few times.

My parents brought a lot of snacks with them, and I discovered that while sharp cheese and fruit salsa are good on their own, when mixed together they taste and feel like vomit. We ordered out for calzones for dinner, which seemed like the perfect meal at the time.

Thursday (Day 207): Running Errands

Got up, caught a mouse, cleaned the tub, let the architect in to measure our house, and went to Wal-Mart for more mouse traps. I brought the mouse to the office and showed the complex manager that we had a problem. He explained to #1GF! how mice will nest in stoves and how he hears them scratching in his walls. This did not make matters better. We released the mouse into a field in another town, and headed back to the office to sign some papers. #1GF! noticed that the woman downstairs was getting a new stove and was convinced that it was because it was full of mice. Yay.

With nothing else to do, we headed over to the town hall to see if our new house had any building permits on file that would tell us what had been done to the house. There was nothing useful in the file, so we went home and I put Fu Manchu’s “In search Of” on the stereo. It was the first time in five years that I had sat and listened to it.

The day was rainy and we still had nothing to do, so we made the drive over to #1GF!’s mom’s house to haul her tree out. I had a Dunkin Donuts Mocha Latte, which I didn’t understand because it tasted like hot chocolate to me. It wasn’t very coffee-like, but I like my coffee black and bitter.

When we got home, we tried to watch a couple of movies, but I got so bored that within 15 minutes I was off reading a book on how to write ‘zines. When the first movie ended, we watched another one that sucked, but only half as much.

Friday (Day 208): Say It Like It Is

Woke up at 8 and thought that it wasn’t really fair that I didn’t have to work and #1GF! did. For the first time I felt like I should just go back to the working world to collect a check. To try and get rid of the feeling, I started reading On Subbing by Dan Roche while waiting for #1GF! to wake up. It didn’t really help.

Once we got up, we spent the morning watching a really bad movie on TV called 2 Hands. We never watch TV movies, so I had forgotten how stupid it is when characters are dubbed to say things like “fricken stuff”. Just say “fuck” already.

Had a cold calzone for lunch and had a run in with the insurance company that had me scrambling to set up my scanner and send documents over. Trying to figure out why your 400 year old scanner isn’t working when under a time crunch is a lot of fun. Once we got them the info they needed, I got stuck on the computer. I spent the time writing and had a cold dinner at 10 PM because I couldn’t drag myself away.

Saturday (Day 209): Metal Sucks

I started the day by finishing off On Subbing, which made me feel like I am finally completely clueless about subculture. I’m not mainstream, but I don’t get all the effort behind living and spreading the gospel of punk rock.

Once #1GF! woke up, the following conversation took place:

#1GF!: What do you want to do today?
Me: I don’t know.
#1GF!: If today was your birthday, what would you do?
Me: Oh, I’d go to the Abington Ale House for my free dinner.
#1GF!: Good. Want to go to the Ale House then?
Me: No.
#1GF!: Why not?
Me: It’s not my birthday.

I’m not autistic.

We sat on the couch and watched HGTV until #1GF! jumped in the shower. While she was gone, I decided to watch heavy metal music videos. I don’t think the people who make metal videos have made a format change since I stopped watching them in the mid-’80’s. After a few, I was painfully aware once again why I don’t watch them anymore. Although I like metal, seeing the bands ruins the music for me. I’m way too old to think that black costumes and scowling are in any way cool. This is coming from a guy who enjoys Viking death metal. Seeing bands putting so much effort into it makes me think that the bands are beyond uncool.

There were only two videos that I could get more than 30 seconds into. One was by Dethklock, which intentionally makes metal into a joke, and the other was by Terror, who sucked me in because I’ll sit through bad hardcore as long as it’s hardcore.

We had nothing to do but wanted to get out of the house, so we went to the bookstore. I looked at the books on writing which were stuffed full of rules. I then looked at the business books, which were full of bullshit. Neither one of us bought anything and we decided to go get an early dinner.

When we were at the restaurant there was a guy in front of us who seemed like a pain in the ass. I’m not sure if it was the way he walked or acted, but there was just an air about him. Later we figured out that the guy was a contractor who rubbed us the wrong way when we met with him. On the way out of the parking lot, we had to go out another exit because the guy was inconsiderately blocking one of the exits with his car. I’m pretty glad we didn’t hire him.

Later in the night we ended up picking up my Mom and taking her to the ER with a twisted ankle. Afterward, #1GF! and I sat around playing Rack-o while waiting for my Dad to get home to take over watching the patient. I don’t beat #1GF! in games very often, but I won this time, if only by a single hand.

What I Learned:

• There is a fine line between genius and insanity.
• If your Dad won’t eat your homemade candy, it might not be good. If a child won’t eat it, then it probably sucks.
• I learned how it feels to win $250,000 without the nasty tax implications.
• I love simple games that require strategy and hate complex games of chance.
• The reason I used to hate Christmas is the feeling that my gifts wouldn’t be good enough.
• Mixing sharp cheese and fruit salsa tastes a lot like vomit.
• Fu Manchu still kicks ass on the big speakers.
• Mocha Latte is Dunkin Donuts lingo for “hot chocolate”.
• I would prefer to hear “fuckin’ shit” on TV than be insulted with “fricken stuff”.
• I still need work on my social skills.
• Metal videos haven’t changed since the ’80’s.
• Seeing metal bands ruins metal for me.
• I’m still susceptible to thinking that bad songs are good if they include a hardcore breakdown.
• My memory is still crap.
• I’m still stuck on the idea that only things that make money are worthwhile. I don’t want to be that way, but that’s an American ideal. Money is time.
• I realized that I’m more aware of money now. It’s not an issue, but it is nice to not have to think about it when you buy something or go out to eat.
• Everything is an illusion, so why not create an illusion that works for you?

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