Because men have been trained not to spend excess amounts of time on their personal appearance, they generally fail to recognize a few simple aspects of personal grooming that should be undertaken to keep them attractive to the moister sex.
But how does a gentleman know that his hair is unsightly? Because this type of revelation is reserved for close friends or people that can take a punch, he generally doesn’t. That’s where the Gentleman’s Guide to Trimming & Grooming comes in. The Gentleman’s Guide is a cumulative set of tips to give men the trimming and grooming info they need whether they are 5 or 45. All you have to do is match your age to the sections below to find out where your personal grooming may need adjustments.
Remember that the guide is cumulative, so you’ll need to read all of the tips up to your current age. When you’re finished, stash it in your library or rumpus room and come back to it when you hit another milestone age. The Gentleman’s Guide is guaranteed to transform even the most disheveled dork into a lifetime ladies man.
The ladies are waiting, so let’s get to it!
Hey, you’re 5. Your Dad loves you very much, but he’s tired of people at the park asking how old his daughter is. He’s going to take you to Tony, the shaky, old Italian barber, and he’s going to make you look like a little man. Your Dad isn’t going to tell you this, but I will: Tony is probably going to give you a boo boo on one of your ears and then douse it in some medicine that’s going to sting like crazy. This is standard procedure when you get a $2 haircut from a 600 year old man, so don’t freak out and cry. Boys who act like men get loose change and new Tonka trucks. Boys who freak out and cry have to go with Mommy to the hairdresser and end up looking like little girls again. Understand? You’re not even paying attention anymore, are you? Tell your Dad to stash this away where you won’t pee on it. Oh, and don’t do drugs.
Hey, you made it to 15. Awesome. A hundred years ago you’d be working in a factory to support your wife and five kids, but as this is the modern age, you’re about as close to impregnating a woman as you are to getting one to read the Lord of the Rings fan fiction you wrote this summer. You probably think it’s because you live with your parents, have no license, and can’t get into R rated movies, but I’m willing to bet that it has something to do with that badass peach fuzz mustache you’ve got going on. Sorry, bro, but someone had to tell you. The mustache isn’t fooling anyone into thinking you are Juan Carlos the Macho Sex Machine, and if you want to be able to grow something more substantial later on, you’re going to have to shave the baby stash now. You’ll attract more girls if you shave off the peach fuzz at least once a week. Years later when you’re able to grow a mighty beard and have no idea what Dungeons and Dragons is, you’ll be thankful for this.
As if a slowing metabolism and the onset of strange back and arm hair weren’t bad enough, you’re probably here because you suddenly realized that your nose looks like it’s harboring a tiny Repunzel who’s waiting to be rescued. If that’s not why you’re here, then you just got a bonus tip. This is the modern world, and you will immediately lose all traction with a modern woman if she notices one of your nose hairs crossing the nostril line into the visible world. Invest a couple of bucks in a rotary nose hair trimmer and shove it up your nose every couple of weeks. It will smell funny and make your nose run, but that’s the price you have to pay to keep women continuously violating your personal air space.
Hey, welcome back. You’re just about middle aged, so I can only assume that you’re here because your barber has started asking if you want him to trim up your eyebrows for you. Your barber isn’t asking because he wants to shape your eyebrows and make you a pretty, powdery, little girl. He’s asking because your eyebrows are out of control. Unless you can squash the world into juice or are a 400 year old kung fu master who uses his eyebrows to steer when he flies through the air, let the man give the caterpillars a trim. Treat it like someone asking you if you want a piece of gum. Never refuse a little free help.
You pretty much stopped caring about hair issues five years ago when you folded this up and stuffed it under the short leg of your kitchen table, but this is pretty much your last stop before you start wishing you had more hair instead of less. Just like nose hair, ear hair is a natural human protection to keep things out of the body that don’t belong there. It fights the good fight for you and is necessary and acceptable as long as it stays in your ear. When it enters the outside world and cascades down your ear like a hairy little waterfall, it isn’t doing anything for your health, and it definitely isn’t helping your image. Dig out the rotary trimmers you bought 20 years ago and get in the habit of giving your ear hair a little trim every once and a while. Social security and pensions aren’t what they used to be, so when you get old enough to start thinking that it’s perfectly acceptable to repair your clothes with duct tape, we want that rich widow to find your quirks endearing and not be grossed out when she goes to put her tongue in your ear. The only way that is going to happen is if you get in the habit of trimming the ear hair now.
Congratulations, you’ve completed the Gentleman’s Guide! If you’ve found it helpful, don’t put it back under the short leg of your kitchen table. You can always re-level that thing with of few of your sugar mama’s hundred dollar bills. The gentlemanly thing to do is to leave this guide where another man can find it and reap its benefits. The simple act of dropping this guide in a Home Depot or strip club may ensure that another man doesn’t needlessly spend his senior years alone and dining on dog food.