Ultimate Showdown: Stormtroopers Vs. Ninjas

Stormtroopers Vs. Ninjas

Yesterday, I mentioned that Stormtroopers were way more awesome than ninjas, yet some of you refused to believe it. Since it has somehow turned into Stormtrooper week here at dyers.org, we’re going to have a little 10 point showdown to prove once and for all who reigns supreme: Stormtroopers or Ninjas.

Put your weapons aside and let’s get this showdown started…

Sole Purpose for Existence

Stormtroopers:
To serve the Emperor.

Ninjas:
To cause social chaos in enemy territory to benefit their feudal ruler.

Conclusion:
The Imperial Emperor can shoot lightening from his fingers and you think it’s a better life goal to serve some feudal lord who can do nothing cooler than thoughtfully stroke his bad 70’s mustache? Are you kidding? Do you know what kind of awesome it takes to get lightening to shoot from your fingertips? No? Well, it’s a lot more than just losing your razor, that’s for sure.

Winner: Stormtroopers
Stormtroopers Win!

Governing Effects

Stormtrooper Effect:
The bad guys are always lousy shots in the movies.

Inverse Ninja Law:
The strength of any one ninja is inversely proportional to the number of Ninjas assisting. One ninja is deadly, but 100 can be easily defeated by one man.

Conclusion
Whether the rule implies that you are a notoriously lousy shot or that you are less powerful in a group, having rules like these named after you is never a good thing.

Winner: Tie
Tie

Training

Stormtroopers:
Clones are removed from the hatchery and delivered to their trainers when they reach five years old. There they are trained as professional soldiers to obey their officers without question or regard to their personal safety.

Ninjas:
Ninjas are not trained as full-time professional soldiers, but they are trained from an early age in martial arts, assassination, and guerrilla warfare. Ninja training is tailored to the individual.

Conclusion
Touchy, feely, sneaky assassination training or genetically engineered, full-time killing machine training? Hmm. Let’s see. That’s a tough choice.

Winner: Stormtroopers
Stormtroopers Win!

Easily Pwned By

Stormtroopers:
Easily defeated by Ewoks.

Ninjas:
Easily defeated by pirates.

Conclusion:
Getting defeated by someone in a puffy shirt, tight pants, and thigh-high boots is pretty shameful, but if you get defeated by a bunch of two foot tall, jungle teddy bears, you automatically and deservedly lose this category. Jub jub.

Winner: Ninjas
Ninjas Win!

Transportation

Stormtroopers:
AT-AT, speeder bike, Dewback, and any laser toting, light speed capable vehicle the Imperial Empire has at it’s disposal.

Ninjas:
Horses, walking, short distance flying

Conclusion
I will admit that flying onto the rooftops is pretty cool, but its relatively useless when compared to the sheer variety of heavily armed transportation available to the average Stormtrooper. I mean, sure, Ninjas can fly up to the rooftop… assuming a Stormtrooper doesn’t blow it up before they land.

Winner: Stormtroopers
Stormtroopers Win!

Headgear

Stormtroopers:
The Comtech Series IV Helmet has night vision, polarizing lenses, three phase sonic filtering, a multi-frequency targeting system, a comlink for instant communication with other units, and it filters chemical and biological agents from the air.

Ninjas:
Two three-foot cloths are tied around the head.

Conclusion
Wait did that just say two pieces of cloth? I was on the fence because I thought it said one piece. That extra piece of cotton can make all the difference when your enemies nail you in the squash. The clear winner is nin…

Winner: Stormtroopers
Stormtroopers Win!

Clothing

Stormtroopers:
Full body metallic battle armor designed to disperse the energy of a blaster bolt over an insulating, temperature-controlled body suit. The armor contains a built in resonator to open secure doors and the backplate contains twenty minutes of emergency oxygen.

Ninjas:
Black cotton pants, split-toed tabi boots, and a jacket with overlapping lapels and a secret inside pocket.

Conclusion:
Whoa! Secret inside pocket? That’s awesome! I wonder if they can fit their little ninja purses in there.

Winner: Stormtroopers
Stormtroopers Win!

Stealth

Stormtroopers:
Noisy enough that your deaf grandma can hear their clanking armor from four clicks away.

Ninjas:
Quick! Look behind you! Did you miss him? That’s how silent ninjas are.

Conclusion:
Look, we just got through telling you how awesome all that Stormtrooper armor is, and that awesomeness comes with small price called stealth. So, Ninjas win a category because they’re sneaky little babies. So, what?

Winner: Ninjas
Ninjas Win!

Weapon of Choice

Stormtroopers:
The E-11 blaster is a liquid cooled, 1.4 ft long laser rifle capable of shooting a tightly focused particle beam a maximum of 383 yards. It fires 100 shots without reloading.

Ninjas:
The ninja’s primary weapon is the ninjaken, or short sword. It’s about 20 inches long and so sharp that you can cut tin cans in half and still slice through a tomato. Or so they say.

Conclusion:
So, my choice is a 20 inch range with a knife or almost four football fields with some sort of laser beam? Oh, that’s a tough one.

Winner: Stormtroopers
Stormtroopers Win!

Secondary Equipment

Stormtroopers:
High-tension wire, two grappling hooks, four blaster power packs, three ion flares, a concentrated ration bar, a spare comlink, three water packs, two medpacks, two blast energy sinks, a glow rod, and a cylindrical thermal detonator.

Ninjas:
Smoke bombs, firecrackers, nunchucks, throwing stars, hand claws, foot spikes, hidden daggers, grappling hooks, throwing knives, bow and arrow, poison darts, iron spikes, and tridents.

Conclusion:
While I’m certainly a fan of both firecrackers and nunchucks, can they really compare to a Stormtrooper pack? Say you get lucky one day and capture a ninja. Know what he’ll do? He’ll stick his sword in his gut so you can’t question him. Pretty dramatic stuff, right? And you get all his firecrackers. Know what a Stormtrooper does when you capture him? He clicks that button on his personal thermal detonator and blows up everyone and everything within a few yards… including you. Captor neutralized. It’s all about effective secondary equipment.

Winner: Stormtroopers
Stormtroopers Win!

And The Winner is… Stormtroopers

What a blowout! The Stormtroopers dominated the contest, showing themselves to be far superior to the average Ninja. Maybe it’s time that G4 drops Ninja Warrior and starts up a far superior program called “Stormtrooper Warrior”.

stormtrooper helmet

If you find you have points that I may have missed, kick up the debate in the comments.

14 thoughts on “Ultimate Showdown: Stormtroopers Vs. Ninjas

  1. What about stormtroopers that are also ninjas, but need to have a day job to pay child support? It’s obvious that they’d rather be a ninja…they just can’t afford it. Right? So obviously they’re only ever stormtroopers out of necessity and would choose to be ninjas more often if they could, therefore being a ninja simply must be cooler (if not economical).

  2. Somebody’s been watching ‘Troops! a bit, eh?
    And how does this pay the rent on the blog-o-rama or put supreme gas in the rocketcar?
    Or are you and Ricky siphoning outta Lahey’s car?

    -d—

  3. There go all my aspirations to become a ninja. Suppose a Stormtrooper wouldn’t be so bad – but I’d actually have a lightsaber, screw laser guns, I wanna kill Jedi’s with a real weapon.

  4. Wow, and you seem to miss the fact that and army of stormtroopers could easily be slain by a single ninja. I could see it now them blasting their lasers everywhere while a ninja simply picks them off one by one. Seriously ninja’s have been known to be pretty damn effective killing machines. And how many stormtroopers would you need to take down a single ninja eh? (pathetic)

  5. I’m impressed that you are applying the inverse ninja law to destroy my logic, but there really isn’t any documented proof that a ninja can avoid lasers or chop through armor.

  6. Okay fine then. But just so that you know Ninja’s actually existed wether they could dice a person in half or if they knew how to whittle a whistle either way ninja’s are real, maybe you should’ve made a category for that would’nt you say?

  7. There is however documented proof that a ninja sword CANNOT chop through the barrel of a gun (Mythbusters – more importantly, Kari Byron!!)

    The problem with a ninja is that they have to be able to sneak up on someone. Eventually their luck is going to run out, no matter how great at sneaking they are.

    Don’t get me wrong, I think ninjas are awesome, and I would probably choose being a ninja over a stormtrooper, but I’m into the whole seppuku thing.

  8. I like both Stormtropers and Ninjas, but if I had to choose the life of one or the other…Ninja. They are semi-free to make thier own choices. But if I had to choose which side I would choose to be on in a battle of Stormtroopers VS. Ninjas…Stormtrooper all the way; Stormtroopers are superior to ninjas in mass combat.

  9. Stormtroopers are food for cannons.. they might be cooler in nerd-tech way (btw. why should laser gun be cooler than a ninja sword, thats a matter of choice), but one ninja is definitelly deadlier than one stormtrooper and most of the time i would chose (hire) ninja.

    Btw, lasser gun can shoot throught four football fields, but in a hand of stormtrooper it cannot take down a man at the distance of ten meters.. thats rather suicidal to have somebody who misses that much with so deadly weapon in a spaceship 😀

    In conclusion, either if it is to kill somebody, or to be protected, or do whatever else, mostly i would chose ninja. Only exeption would be in a desperate need of distraction – white, noisy thing, blasting everything around, mostly with no concept of cover, walking stright in the middle of the battlefield, multiplied by hundreds – yes, that should do. And than ninja can finish its mission 🙂

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