According to the AANR (The American Association of Nude Recreation), this week marks the 32nd annual Nude Recreation Week.

If the mere fact that there is a society for nude recreation isn’t amusing enough, check out their list of must do activities to try this week:

1. Go skinny dipping in your backyard pool.
Maybe this is an option if you live way out in the country somewhere, but for us city dwelling folk, there is a very high probability that this little suggestion will result in being forced to register as a sex offender for the rest of your life after your 92 year old neighbor looks out her window and catches a glimpse of your hoo ha.

2. Try nude gardening.
Uh, try not. If they’re going to nail you for skinny dipping, what do you think you’re neighbors are going to say about you planting some posies with your junk blowing in the breeze? Uh, I’ll tell you what they’re going to say: “Hello, police? The sex offender is at it again. Bring a tazer.” Hopefully they arrest you before you find out what kind of damage insects, fertilizers, lawnmowers, weed whackers or plain old sunshine can inflict on unprotected junk.

3. Try naked housekeeping.
This is the best that they could do? You’re naked so try some super-fun house cleaning? Seriously? Do you have any idea of how many perfectly good pairs of shorts I’ve destroyed with simple household cleaners? A plethora. How is it a good idea to recommend removing the one thin layer of protection that stands between your junk and a batch of caustic chemicals? The only worse recommendations that I can think of would be “fry bacon” or “practice welding”, but it’s your call. I just can’t imagine the number of hospital charts that will be filled out this week with notes like “burned junk with chemicals”, “accidentally sat on mop handle” and “got junk caught in vacuum”.

4. Exercise in the altogether.
To entice you to get naked, one of the top five things that they can suggest is working out? Was this list written by the Society of Retarded Amish Nudists or something? The reason that they make sports bras is because lady parts are not made to be flopped all over the place with great force. Unless you want to end up looking like something out of National Geographic, this is a bad idea. And anyone who jumps on a treadmill in the nude runs the risk of falling down and getting his junk either caught in, or sanded off by a very fast moving and unforgiving belt. The mere thought has me typing with one hand while using the other to shield my junk from the horror that these words imply.

5. Telecommute in the nude
While this is the least risky of all the suggestions, do you really want to be talking to your boss with your junk hanging out? Do you want to entertain the possibility that your boss is sitting at home with their sweaty junk hanging out because they just finished a nude workout before your conference call? And what if your Mom calls? Do you really want to talk to your Mom on the phone with your junk flip flapping around there, Mr. Proggressive Von Nudieman? How about you there, Priscilla Von Nudieheimer? I don’t know about you, but I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

So what’s up there, nudists? The best suggestions for activities during National Nude Recreation Week are work, clean, exercise, or do yard work? Are you kidding? I’m not even a nudist, but I can come up with a way better list off the top of my head:

The New And Improved 7 Things to Do When You’re Naked

1. Make some quick cash swinging around a solidly planted stripper pole.
2. Take some tasteful nude photos.
3. Take a shower to wash off all that chocolate.
4. Call people who want to do it with you.
5. Do it with people that call back.
6. Listen to Nordic metal and pretend you’re a naked Viking. If time permits, conquer the living room.
7. Two words: Naked Twister.

Have better suggestions? Post them in the comments.

Posted in Strange