Foolproof (heist) Three bored twenty-somethings plan intricate robberies down to the last detail in a game they play to make their lives more exciting. A gangster steals and executes one of their planned heists and then blackmails them to do another. I can’t complain about this movie, really, but I also can’t say that it stuck in my mind all that well, either. The only thing that I really recall is feeling that it was sort of neat to see heists on film that looked as if they were planned and coordinated by normal people with normal abilities. B

The Prestige (drama): Two rival magicians have an escalating feud that lasts years. I’m usually pretty good with translating foreign accents on film, but I found myself rewinding over and over to try to catch what the actors said. Whether it was background noise getting in the way or volume variances, the sound was not well done. The story wasn’t either, and the movie ended up being infinitely less interesting than everyone has made it out to be. There was a great build up of suspense, but it led only to a relatively stupid ending. I did like that Nicola Tesla was portrayed in the movie, but Bowie’s accent turned him from a cool addition to a terrible joke. B

The Illusionist (drama): Ed Norton plays a lowly 1800’s magician in the looking to score an upscale piece of ass. There were a few twists and turns in this movie to keep me awake, but I can’t say that I was terribly impressed. Maybe the fact that it ends up being a period love story is the problem. If you have a vagina and regularly wear capes, you might rate this higher. I have neither of these, so B-

Snakes on a Plane (action): There is no real explanation for this beyond the title: A lot of motherfucking snakes get loose on a motherfucking plane and Samuel L. motherfucking Jackson has to stop the motherfuckers. It sounds motherfucking stupid, right? Well, it was, but in a good way. The plot is just ridiculous, the characters are stereotypical, and if you can’t pick out the people that are going to die in the first five minutes, you probably have brain damage. Even though I found myself groaning as much as laughing, it was fun as hell. B

Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny (comedy): This is the story of how Jack Black’s band, Tenacious D, got together. I like Jack Black. I’ve seen him live, I have his CD, and I think he can make a career as a supporting character in film. As a lead, he sucks. Given his track record (School of Rock, Nacho Libre), I had a feeling that this was going to be really bad, but I put it in the Netflix queue on the off chance that it might end up being a gem. It wasn’t. Like all of Jack Black’s recent films, this was a steaming pile of shit, and and even bigger waste of time. If I was having a heart attack in BestBuy, and this came with a free defibrillator, I wouldn’t buy it just to keep any merchandising manager from restocking it. F

Stranger than Fiction (drama): Wil Ferrell plays a man who is having his life controlled by an unseen narrator. I think Ferrell good with goofy roles (like Ricky Bobby), but this was a great role for him. Once you get past the point that he’s not going to go crazy, you can settle in to the very believable, sympathetic character that he creates. The acting in this one was great (support from Dustin Hoffman and Maggie Gyllenhaal doesn’t hurt), the story was unique, and the visuals they used to accentuate the points of the film didn’t have a fake, special effects feel to them. I would actually watch this one again. A

Accepted (comedy) A guy doesn’t get into college, so he creates a fake college to fool his parents. The premise was as retarded as the characters, which was only half as retarded as the writing. I can’t say I didn’t laugh or that it was horrible, but it’s probably only good if you’re drunk and half paying attention. If you’re drunk and fully paying attention, you’ll see that the whole story is a rip off of every other college movie out there minus the all prerequisite boobies. C

Borat (comedy): Sasha Cohen plays Borat, a Kuzbeckistan native who comes to the US to film a documentary. I was expecting over the top humor, and I got it. The laughs were not for cleverly intricate jokes, but for purely for shock value. That is not to say that the movie is all nuts in the face and poop jokes. Cohen puts himself in some situations not only provide an implicit social commentary, but have the potential to be explicitly dangerous. He has run-ins with the police, sings a fake National anthem at a Rodeo, and even walks up on a bunch of kids playing dice outside a project at night. Yet in all these situations, he completely stays in character. B+

Miami Vice (action): Crocket and Tubbs go out and do shit. I thought this was directed by Michel Bay of Bad Boys II fame, so I was willing to forgo any expectation of plot in favor of some juicy action. Unfortunately, it was directed by Michael Mann. Not only was the movie imfuckingpossible to follow because of piss poor directing, but #1GF! and I gave up trying to translate the mumbled, poorly acted dialogue. To its credit, it had some of the worst moments I’ve seen on film. It had the worst fake death and second worst fake death I’ve ever seen on film, the worst scene transitions I’ve ever seen on film, some of the worst writing, the second worst Cuban accents, the lamest villain, and it wins my awards for the lamest action movie, the worst translation of a TV show to a movie, and the worst movie I’ve seen Jamie Foxx in. F

Used Cars (comedy): Two Brothers have competing car dealerships across the street from each other. The good brother dies, and his employees try to prevent the evil brother from taking over the lot. This film was made in 1980, so it has a real ’70’s feel, which makes it a little slow, but was an interesting contrast to todays movies. The characters are rag-tag and have no respect for authority, but that doesn’t mean that they carry shotguns and shoot each other over the slightest infractions. In today’s movies (and world?) people get punished for lying and wrong doing, but in this movie, the whole point was join the system by screwing people over and buying your way to the top. In this movie you could not only get away with breaking into a presidential TV transmission, but you can blow up cars with dynamite and not get caught. In a world where sharing a song with someone can get you fines thousands of dollars, the movies seems bizarre and foreign. While not a rapid fire barrage of hilarity, I did laugh a number of times, earning this film a B.

Posted in Movies