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You know when you’re really excited about what you think is a great idea and people just look at you with that “And where’s the punchline” look? That’s how I felt getting up today. I spent so much time on my Top 10 Driving Albums post that I expected that it would be more of a hit than it was. I really put about a weeks worth of time into picking that music, and even convinced poor Tankboy to get into the action, and it generated slightly more than no interest.
It was sort of a let down.
I admit that I still haven’t got a clue where traffic comes from on the net, and I honestly don’t know how some sites generate a high number of visitors and commentors. On a basic level, I shrug it off on the premise that you have to network to get readers, and I suck at networking. On a deeper level, though, I know that content is king. And when I think about my content being the problem, I start to feel bad. I’m much more comfortable with the idea of generating gems that no one sees, than I am with generating a bunch of shit that isn’t useful to anyone. The first idea means that I’m simply undiscovered. The second means I’m deservedly ignored.
When someone like Dooce can write about every poop her kid takes and get world famous, and I can spend years putting out post after post without being famous among dozens, I found myself having to consider the less appealing view as a possibility. The numbers don’t lie, and the truth is sometimes a little ugly.
To distract myself, I spent some time looking up average salaries for jobs that had similar descriptions to mine. I really tried to pick job descriptions that were very closely tied to mine while avoiding those that sounded like they were obviously steps above me. Not considering myself an average employee (who does, really?), I was surprised to find that I was pretty average in terms of salary. To prove to myself that I was at least on the high side of average, I took one of my checks and calculated my exact salary. I was hoping to be at least slightly above average, just to feel better about something.
After doing the math on my gross pay for the second time in a row, I confirmed that I was not only below average, but I was actually earning less than I thought I was. Once again the numbers were ruining my happy little illusions.
I started dwelling on my job and finally admitted to myself that after 13 years with the same company, it’s not that I don’t want to play the corporate game to get ahead. The real deal is that I have no fucking idea what game is even being played. While people are steadily moving their pieces around the board, I’ve been setting up a perfect, four move checkmate on the pop-o-matic using only my queen, my bishop, and Cobra commander.
So, there I was, without a clue as to how to excel at my job or my hobbies, faced with the mounting evidence that I’m average, if not below average, on the things that eat most of my waking hours. Everyone wants to feel like they are above average, but if you look at the evidence facing you, and it says otherwise, do you ignore it and cling to your illusions, or face the facts and accept the reality of your situation?
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January 31st, 2007 at 12:07 am
“While people are steadily moving their pieces around the board, I’ve been setting up a perfect, four move checkmate on the pop-o-matic using only my queen, my bishop, and Cobra commander.”
Heh, that’s a great line. Also, it sounds like a pretty good game.
Yeah, why people are interested in reading what they read is partially a mystery to me, too. That’s why, to me, it’s never worth writing anything with the expectation that everyone will love it.
January 31st, 2007 at 1:18 am
there was a time when you wrote because it made YOU happy and it didn’t matter who read it. high ranking poop stories says a lot about the intelligence level of the people in this country. you are fucking hysterical. you know it. your friends know it. your entire family knows it. your writing is witty and you know how to battle viruses. perhaps, you need a change to spark things up again. change is tough, but it can bring about great things. (maybe you should write a book…david sedaris has nothing on you…though you do have a crazy sister just like him). my fortune cookie wisdom from this evening: “confidence is the companion of success.”
January 31st, 2007 at 1:38 pm
I commiserate wholeheartedly…which may not be a good thing.
I’m currently in the ‘facing the reality’ stage of the game and it’s pretty damn hard. I know that I’ll get through it with a better concept of me, but until that moment comes, it’s been pretty sucky.
And I agree with yo sis…change may help, it usually does even if it’s just a small change to some area.
January 31st, 2007 at 1:47 pm
I had two fortunes in my cookie at lunch yesterday – one of them was meant for you, i think. I’ll let you take your pick:
* With integrity and consistency, your credits are piling up.
* Someone is speaking well of you.
Try not to live by the numbers – if your efforts make a difference to the people who matter, screw everyone else.
January 31st, 2007 at 2:21 pm
I am not average. your sis is right. most people are like ricky bobby than Divine. They like the crap thats on the radio but couldn’t tell ya if it was madonna or Janet. Couldn’t tell if it’s a jetta or a evo or even a fuckin vette for that matter. watch the same crappy episodes of friends over and over and laugh over and over (braindead…oops) No spice makes you Ricky Bobby of some kind. “I’ll have a bud” is the way of the many . Plankton better watch out cause they’re gonna be second to joe average. Cake isn’t everything my good man. I make squat and don’t care cause it pays the bills and I like my life. We don’t have to try to be different. We r just mentally in another speed-zone. Next time you crack in the morning , put on the headphones and relax to PAINKILLER . then go to the egg and I for a average pancake b-fast. mmmmmmmmmmmmm
January 31st, 2007 at 4:26 pm
Yoda says:
Measure yourself not, by your job alone. Who you are, it is not.
January 31st, 2007 at 8:42 pm
Sorry to burst your bubble, but you aren’t average. Just take a good look around one day and do a comparison. You are the most memorable person I met while in Mass. Don’t forget I worked there for a year too. Hope you are feeling differently in a day or two.
March 2nd, 2007 at 8:40 am
i’ll avoid making a Lost reference (because i don’t know if you watch it) but the numbers aren’t always that important. what is important is that you stick to what you like and what you know and just go with the flow. just like everyone else said.
and like CJ, I’m also going to say that the horrible evening you came to my house, you got me laughing and together we got some pretty sad people laughing. it’ll be a memory i’ll always recall and smile about. i will not, however, smile about memories of friends’ baby pooping stories. so there ya go.