Day After Tomorrow (thriller) C+ The world climate changes and the world plunges into a new ice age. I have to say that the main point of the movie was the special effects, and more than half the time they were terrible. I also will admit that I sat there with my mouth open through the other half of the effects despite how stupid most of the plot was. C+

Deadwood Season 1: Disc 1 (TV): This cowboy series from HBO set in the old west town of Deadwood. I only watched the first disc, but all I really got out of it was that cowboys like to use the word “cocksucker” a lot. Other than that, it didn’t grab me enough to get me to order up a second disc. C

Just Like Heaven (romance): Reese Witherspoon’s ghost haunts the guy that moves into her apartment and somehow they fall in love. Fuck. Just jam a friggin’ corkscrew in my eye. C

Thinking XXX (documentary): Timothy Greenfield-Sanders photographed porn stars in their every-day clothes for his book “Thinking XXX”. This was a documentary of those photo shoots including interviews with the stars interspersed with segments from various authors and personalities on the subject of porn. If you can get past the 450 pounds of nudity, the documentary is actually pretty interesting. It’s not as good as the Ron Jeremy documentary, but what is? I think my favorite moment came while listening to one interviewee making some good points on the subject. Right after I said, “Wow, I like this guy,” he said something like, “…a lot of people don’t believe it, but that was about the time that the aliens anally probed me.” B-

How to Kill Your Neighbor’s Dog (drama): A miserable prick of a failed playwright is half of a couple that doesn’t have kids, and he doesn’t want any. He then meets a kid that changes his mind. Sounds like some trite bullshit, doesn’t it? It does to me, too. Despite it eye-rollingly simplistic and overemotional, I have to say that the characters were interesting enough to keep me involved the whole way through. B

Friends with Money (drama): This is a chick flick. Period. Chicks talking to chicks about chick stuff. I can’t remember hating it, it left no impression on me at all. The only men who might like this movie are fat guys who dream of dating Jennifer Aniston. C

L’aventure C’est L’aventure (foreign): This is a 1972 caper comedy that ended up in my Netflix queue, but I don’t know how. I also don’t remember what the hell happened during it. I think it was funny, but I really don’t remember. Oh you’ll never watch it anyway. Who the fuck watches French comedies from 1972 intentionally? This gets my first Mystery rating: ??

American Pimp (documentary): This is the documentary that proves beyond a doubt that it is not hard out there for a pimp. Pimpin’ is easy. If you want to know about pimp life, this is the place to learn about it. Did you know that hookers get 0% of their pay? Ze-ro. I was amazed. B

Devil’s Playground (documentary): When Amish kids turn 16, they go on what is called “Rumspringa”, where for a few years they get to experience the world before having to commit to the Amish church. This period of experimentation with modern life includes booze, drugs, sex, cars, and some major parties. At the end of the period they have to either commit to the Amish way of life or leave the community behind. B

Derailed (thriller): Oh, another movie with a predictable “twist”. Are there 7 year olds in Hollywood writing scripts these days? Because if there are, they will surely get along with the casting directors. Shit. If there are any doubts about Jennifer Aniston and Clive Owen being one dimensional actors, this movie should put it to rest. And their acting was only half as predictably bad as the plot. I can’t wait until the two of them lose their looks and drop out of movies for good. D.

Dead End (horror): People go on a car ride in the woods…and they’re dead. Oops, did I ruin that for you? Don’t worry, you would’ve gotten it in the first 5 minutes. Think of it as me as saving you 90 minutes that I’ll never get back. The acting sucked, the story sucked, and it’s making me angry just writing about this movie. F as in “Fuck this movie”.

Lake House (drama/romance/sci-fi): I got this recommendation from a guy at work with the caveat that I would be bawling by the end. Not only was I not even the slightest bit welled-up, but #1GF! wasn’t either. I am now convinced that despite his rugged looks, the guy who recommended it may have a vagina. On the plus side, I will say that it was an OK concept for a romance movie, and featured the absolute worst on-camera sneeze that I have ever seen. It was so bad that I had to watch the scene twice. On the other hand, the movie was ok at best, I had the ending figured out within the first 15 minutes, and it features Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves, 2 actors with the ability to drive most of the population insane without even uttering a word. C

Underworld (scifi): The vampires and the lichen are at war. I guess actually having a werewolves fight vampires in a movie that was made after 1948, must’ve sounded dumb, so they thought they could make it better by changing the word “werewolf” to “lichen”. Dear Hollywood, calling a piece of shit by a new name does not make it any less smelly. Had they used the traditional definition of lichen and given me something like “Dracula and the Curse of the Aztec Fungus”, I would’ve known that the stink was intended, and it probably would’ve gotten a good review here. They didn’t though. If you wear a cape for fun, or think that a movie need not have more than a chick in a rubber suit shooting guns to be good, then this movie is for you. It may also be good for those who like really crappy special effects. For the rest of us, it’s a skip. Lichens. Now that’s bullshit, man. D

Lucky Number Slevin (thriller): You have to love a good revenge flick, especially if it has good writing, good visuals, and an all-star cast. Even though I had it figured out way too early, I still give it the old thumbs up. I want to say more, but I don’t want to give anything away. B

Primer (indie): A couple of engineers create a time machine in their garage. For a low budget time travel movie, I’m amazed at how believable I found the method of time travel. I didn’t even question it. Even though it was only 77 minutes, there were too many time paradoxes for me to keep track of, and I felt as confused as I did after watching Memento for the first time. If I watched it again, it might’ve made sense, but it really wasn’t good enough to warrant it. C+

Failure to Launch (chick flick): Oh look, it’s a movie with Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew McConaughey in it. McConaughey is 35 and his parents want him to move out of their house, and hire Parker to lure him out. The plan falls apart, and they fall in love. Will this movie appeal to you if you lack a vagina? No. No, it will not. Does the idea of Parker or McConaughey playing a 35 year old seem like very wishful thinking? Uh-huh. Will you think the ending is so fucking stupid that you will want to set fire to a teddy bear holding a heart and lob it in into a Hallmark store full of puppies? Oh, I guarantee it. C+

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