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Proof I’m Getting Old
1. At the gym, when rolling back to do some dumbell bench presses, I heard enough rapid fire, muffled cracking noises that it sounded like someone had lit a whole pack of firecrackers inside my chest cavity. In truth, it sounded like Chinese New Year in there.
2. I don’t have a myspace page, and I don’t understand what all the fuss is about. Further proof: I can’t fucking believe I just used “fuss” in a sentence.
3. When I recently saw the year a person had to be born in to buy cigarettes, I realized that it was the same year that I made out with that fat chick in the 3rd row at the Monsters of Rock Concert. Even after all these years, you still suck, Dan Dokken.
4. On my way out the door this morning, I got frisked by #1GF!.
Me: What are you doing?
#1GF!: [matter of factly] Seeing if you have your phone.
Me: So, you frisk me? Couldn’t you just ask me? When exactly did I cross that age when my answers are suspect enough that you have to pat me down rather than ask?
5. My 34th birthday is in 5 days.
6. When I was assigned seat #69 in a work move, I didn’t high five anyone.
Proof I’m Still Young
1. My sister sent me a birthday card on which she not only changed the “You’re 4!” to “You’re 34!” but she didn’t even attempt to conceal that the card was originally sent to a four year old by someone named “Aunty Dora.” Instead, she just penned in “+ your sister” right below Aunty Dora’s signature. People do not do that sort of thing to their respected elders.
2. I still have a blog, it has a skull on it, and I’m a l33t hax0r with mad sk1llz.
3. I think they should stop trying to raise the driving age, start trying to lower the drinking age, and make shirts illegal.
4. #1GF!’s final response to point #4 to above: “I just pat you down whenever I get the chance.”
5. I’m still hoping to be able to sock away enough to be able to afford the naughty nurse in addition to the skilled one when they put me in the home in 30 years.
6. When I got assigned seat #69 in a work move, I wanted to high five everyone.
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April 5th, 2006 at 12:45 am
I’ll be 35 in a mere month…so yer 34 is looking YOUNG! And I would’ve been cool with the #69 high five, cuz I’m cool like that.
April 5th, 2006 at 5:59 am
11 months can hardly be claimed as a difference. That could be the same grade in some cases. But thanks for the virtual high five!
April 5th, 2006 at 7:37 am
#69 cube assignment and you didn’t tell us! Gaaah….. >:-(
Still that’s very cool .
And when we get to the new building, #69 will be in large numbers posted on your cube. That’s worth staying up at least through the Summer.
That leaves the rest of your co-workers to say, “Where’s Jon sit? Go find the sixty-nine.”
April 5th, 2006 at 9:26 am
JD, you must be getting old. His name is DON Dokken. Please don’t ever replace HIS first name with MINE.
Thank you kindly.
April 5th, 2006 at 7:48 pm
I know that his name is Don Dokken, and that he sucks. When I was at the Monsters of Rock, a common friend kept yelling, “You suck, DAN Dokken! Youuuu suuuuucck.”
It was later agreed that Dokken’s suckitude could not be diminished whether the guy shouted Dan or Don.
April 5th, 2006 at 9:54 pm
Happy birthday to you! Hope you also got some other frisking by #1GF!
April 6th, 2006 at 5:21 pm
Thank you, Viv!