#3325:
If a woman says something like, “Beards aren’t macho. Stubble is.” Just ignore it. Going into a full on rant about how stubble is a fake, Hollywood macho, while beards are the real deal is not a good idea. A worse idea is describing how macho lumberjacks are. Using the words “burly,” “man’s man,” or describing them as “slathered in grease to keep insects from burrowing into their skin,” will only make you seem creepy and possibly gay.

#3326:
Women love chocolate chip pancakes. They will never admit to wanting them, and probably will not eat them unless you create the illusion that you just happened to be making a batch for yourself, and wondered if they wanted any. After the initial faux resistance, they will truly appreciate them. They will not, however appreciate phrases like “Uhura to the Galley” or screams of “Pancakes in the hole!”

#3327:
Sequentially, it is easier to obtain a woman and then grow a beard, than it is to grow a beard then obtain a woman. This rule may not be applicable to hippy communes, lumberjack towns, or any country where whores are five dollars a dozen.

#3328:
If you have to buy a minor car part like a windshield wiper blade and the guy behind the counter asks you if you’re sure that it’s the right blade, just answer yes. If he then asks you if you need help installing it, just say no. Displaying your testicles, asking him in a whiny, sarcastic voice if he can come to your house and help you open the pickle jars, or asking if he can work the big, bad clutch for you on the ride home are not acceptable substitutes. Chances are, the man is not trying to insult your manhood. He’s probably just trying to make a sale or escape from an embarrassing stink he was leaving behind the counter while he was ringing you up.

#3329:
If you sense that a woman is wearing strong perfume that you don’t recognize, it is considered bad form to initiate the query, “Holy crap! Have you been hugging old ladies down at the Bingo parlor or something?” The woman may be trying out a new perfume, and it is best to keep conversation on the subject innocuous and limited to binary data gathering such as “Is that a new perfume that your wearing?” If the conversation turns to whether you like it or not, return an affirmative. This is practically the only way to validate whether the compound will smell better when combined with perspiration.

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