On the way out the door, I saved a worm from frying on the walkway. It took me a good minute to move it into the mulch because it was wiggling like mad. I was actually saying things like, “Come on, stupid” as if worms had ears.

That was probably the best part of my day.

After that, I agreed to attend a party which I is something that I rarely do.

Some notes:

• If you intentionally hit me in the nuts and spit water on me, you had better be a really good fucking friend of mine and we had better be 17.
• If you ask someone why they don’t drink in front of a group of people that they’ve just met, you will, nine times out of ten, force the person to reveal something personal that will make people uncomfortable.
• If you disregard the last rule and the person gets uncomfortable and says something like “Oh, I liked to drink, it’s just that other people didn’t really like me when I drank,” you are free to read “Alcoholic” between the lines.
• If you don’t read “alcoholic” and keep pushing the person to drink by handing them glasses of wine or saying things like “jussht shmell thish wine,” the alcoholic will inevitably assume that you are either stupid, an asshole, or both.
• If you missed the last rule, please don’t make “mmmmmmm” noises and waft the smell of your chocolate cake to a diabetic. They will assume the same about you that the alcoholic does. And they could die at your party. And nothing fucks up a party like a dead guy.
• If someone you just met is sitting quietly listening to a conversation, you will inevitably confuse the shit out of them if you break into the conversation and yell across the table, “You said people didn’t like you when you drank, and your personality sucks now.” This goes double if there isn’t a hint of jesting in your voice or demeanor. For this, you will probably not have the benefit of being assumed stupid.

I guess I’m not 17 anymore. People party, and some party hard. That’s cool with me. What’s not cool is wasting my life defending why I’m not following you off the cliff. I’ve done my share of drinking, and corked that bottle 9 years ago. If you haven’t, have at it. In either case, make a fucking decision and follow it. Don’t waste time trying to garner me as support for your decisions. The day that you get up, pour the shots, and bang in sick to work for a 3 day bender is the day that my respect for you actually goes up. Because even though you’re making bad decisions, at least you’re standing on your own two feet and making your own decisions. And on that day, call me. I’ve been there and might be able to help.

So, I’m not a party animal anymore. So, I have to waste 4 hours listening to why that’s wrong. Big deal. I’m actually really happy that 99% of the time I’m surrounded by people who don’t believe that my sobriety is the problem. I’m a lucky boy.

Posted in Anger