Fireworks (drama): A Japanese ex-cop with a bad attitude wears sunglasses and walks around looking tough. He shoots some people and punches others for no real reason other than he’s not happy about his wife dying. The punches somehow make people spit a pint of blood each, but even that can’t save the movie. I actually played solitaire hoping that something would happen, but nothing did. F.

Tuesdays With Morrie (drama): Morrie is an old professor who’s dying. An ex-student comes to visit on Tuesdays to learn life’s lessons. The lesson is this: If you aren’t a touchy feely hugger, then you’re afraid of something. If you don’t wear your heart on your sleeve, you need to learn to or you’ll be miserably alone. When you accept your role as a fancy panzy nancy boy, you will be happy. I had to get up and get the fuck away from this movie. You know why? Because men acting like touchy feely panzies doesn’t make me afraid, it makes me angry. I want to punch things. You want to cry at a funeral? It’s ok, just at least try to hold it back. You want to hug your friends? Fine, just do the little pat thing, not the rub thing. You want to sit around talking about feelings and needlepoint? You may want to trade in your cock for something that suits you…then join Metallica. That’s right, Metallica, I’m talking to you, you pussies. F

The Luzhin Defence (drama): A chess champion who makes me look like a social butterfly meets a supposedly hot chick to marry. Unfortunately, she’s not hot, and the movie goes in 50 directions trying to sell me a brand of crazy that I wasn’t interested in. It does this in a torturously slow manner. And they set it in the 1940′s, which I personally don’t like, but can’t fault it for. What I can fault it for is 1/2 the people having shit English accents no matter what country they were from, and the complete lack of tommy guns and mugsy talkin’. This movie was the final straw that got me banned by the #1GF! from adding things to the Netflix queue. BANNED. Do you have any idea how many Julia Roberts movies I’m going to be watching? Do you? Oh this gets the big, fat F BIG TIME! F

Hitch (comedy): Ok. Kevin James is fat and nerdy and wants to score with this hot heiress, so he hires Will Smith to teach him all the right moves. It was a a romance, but because there’s nothing funnier than a fat guy dancing, I can say that this movie worked. It’s light and funny, and I laughed a bunch of times. B+

*Banned Edition

Posted in #1GF!, Movies