When someone gets their car smashed into, good responses are things like “No!” or “Dude, that fuckin’ sucks” or even “The next hooker’s on me, brother.” In no case where it is not your loss are you allowed to say something like “Well, at least no one was hurt.”

Ugh. I know you may not know what to say, but saying “At least no one got hurt” comes across like “It could’ve been worse, so look on the bright side!” And there’s nothing worse than a Professor Positive making light of your losses, when you’ll be spending the next month fighting the insurance company and driving a gray Chevy Impala that smells like ass and cigarettes.

I can tell you that after my house burned down, people would to say that all the time. And I’ll tell you, there’s nothing that incites the urge to burn someone at the stake than telling the story of how everything you owned was turned into a smelly, black pile of crap, and having people offer that pearl of wisdom to cheer you up. I mean this was only a small fender bender, and not a huge deal, so I was lucky that only a couple of people said this to me today. Being gracious, I only offered to light only one of them on fire, which was politely declined.

But, at least no one got hurt…

The next time you find yourself playing the Professor Positive card, just skip it. Instead, show the person a sympathetic furrowed brow and pony up the cash for the free hooker.

Posted in Anger, Work