I think the whole black smoke white smoke thing is pretty cool, but I really wish for the sake of ratings that papal elections had followed a more “Survivor” style voting system, where each cardinal was voted out of conclave one at a time until there was only one cardinal left: The Papal Survivor.

I can picture the cardinals approaching the camera and nervously looking around before holding up the piece of paper showing who they were voting out and saying their piece. Just like Survivor, you know the voting would get nasty toward the end…

“I’m voting off Bennito. Three words: Pope Michael Jackson.”

“Ingatius should be gone. He makes peanut butter sandwiches with the freakin’ BODY OF CHRIST when the kitchen runs out of Ritzes. I’m not even Catholic and I know that’s wrong. Oh Fuck. I mean Oh Fuck, my son. Oh, Double Fuck. Nevermind, I’ll just let myself out.”

“I voted off Giovani. I’m not directly saying that he is swiping alter boys from the storage pantry, but his robe is pretty friggin’ billowy…”

“Buh Bye, Claudio. I mean I’m a cardinal that likes to party, but Claudio lost our last team challenge because he hits the incense way too hard. Plus, he’s always talking about turning the Vatican into ‘the world’s most giant bong’ which makes me pretty goddamned nervous.”

“I admit that after 2000 years we should be able to look back on all this and laugh, but I’m skeptical that the Christian world is ready to accept a Pope Pontius.”

“Gregory should be voted off. I know for a fact that he doesn’t fit the suit.”

“I voted off Godfried. I mean the guy has no idea that we are one of the richest corporations in the world, and WE call the shots. Plus, he still believes in god, which is just plain sill…whoops. Time to poison the camera man.”

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