Last Sunday, I attended an open house by the William Raveis real estate company. When I walked in the door, I was told that I must present a photo ID before I could see the house. Now, I have large enough issue with authority that I foolishly give the TIS gorillas at the airport shit for making me take my shoes off, and I’m paranoid enough that I don’t show my ID to anyone without a big, fat fight. My options were that I was either going to see the house or I wasn’t, but this woman was not going to see any ID from me. On seeing my indignation, the realtor was smart enough to cite an article from the Boston Globe that said that people were casing open houses and robbing them as her proof that her policy was acceptable and for the greater good. What she wasn’t bright enough to comprehend while abdicating responsibility for this bad policy was that she was insinuating that I was not a potential buyer, but a potential criminal.

Even if this house was being lived in, or was finished enough to have a sink, a kitchen, a bathroom, or even fixtures on the walls, I think I still would’ve been angry enough that steam poured out of my ears, but the complete and utter emptiness of the house made me even angrier. There wasn’t even a fricken floor for me to steal if I wanted to. The house wasn’t even close to finished.

I was so insulted by the request for ID, that my brain failed to provide me with even a slightly witty response like, “Oh, I don’t want to party, babe. I just want to see the house.” All I could do was lock up and try to contain the fuming. While I stood teetering on the edge of a flag waving, authority-hating meltdown, my GF was handing over her ID. Instead of protecting her with an identity-saving, yet embarrassing tackle and a 20 minute tirade on “What America Means to me as a Consumer,” I caught a look that said that it would be better for me in the long run if I choked it all back so that my GF could simply see the house.

Once my brain sweetened the deal by slipping in some hidden subsections promising some future glancing at the GF’s naughty bits in exchange for my silence, for the remainder of the 3 minute tour, I rolled around the house as silently as a grenade with a loose pin. So, although I never showed I.D. and left completely irritated at the realtor, I did the mature thing and later sent the following limp, little letter to their corporate e-mail: contact@raveisre.com. I’m learning to pick my battles and becoming such a fucking adult. But, I’m a fucking adult who gets to see boobies. High five.

To Whom it may Concern:

I was thoroughly disgusted when I went into an open house this weekend in Hull, Massachusetts, and was carded before I was allowed to see the house. Not only was the house so unfinished that there wasn’t even a floor down, but I was told that I was being carded in case I stole something. There weren’t even fixtures on the wall to steal, even if I had the inclination.

When I go to a restaurant for an expensive meal, I expect good service. When I buy an expensive car, I expect the dealer to at least pretend that he respects me. If I am spending over $XXX,000, I absolutely do NOT expect to be treated like a criminal.

I’ve sold a home and attended hundreds of open houses without issue. I am trying to find a home, and have a price range that bumps up on $XXX,000. After I was carded, I can say that I didn’t see anything in the house. I was disgusted. The house fell off my list immediately, and I can say that I won’t be attending any of your open houses in the future.

The realtor who carded me, said that my information would not be written down, but unless she has an iron clad memory, there is no way that she would be able to retain this information in a crime investigation. Given this, I can only determine that the ID check is merely a tactic to intimidate potential buyers. If you continue this policy, you may want to extend it to have the realtor carry a hand held metal detector, as it has been shown to be an effective deterrent to potentially armed criminals that might do harm to your personnel. You may even want to go the route of armed guard if your client’s safety is as important as it seems.

I hope that you understand that I’m being facetious, but the policies that you have enacted to protect your clients have taken that protection to a new level and completely alienated a potential buyer. And if you’ve alienated one buyer who’s upset enough to write a letter, there are hundreds that have silently written you off without action.

If you decide to change your policies in the future, please drop me a line so that I can write this matter off as a mistake and continue attending your open houses like a normal consumer.

Thanks for your time.

Jon Dyer

On re-reading this, I really should’ve added “Lick Balls” to the end. Ugh.

Posted in Anger, Misc.