What does a man do when he has 2 weeks off from work?

Even though he braces for Xmas, he learns a boat load of Xmas songs on the guitar to impress his GF. He unfortunately plays them in the “Wait. Oops. That was wrong. Hold on. Oh, Fuck it I’m playing them Heavy metal” quality that only he can muster.

He doesn’t get up before 9, he wears mostly nylon sweatpants, and bedhead replaces hair gel as the style of the times. Showering on a daily basis becomes more of a suggestion than a mandate, and later more of a crap shoot. This policy is later revised when he smells food and realizes that he’s the only one in the room and the stove is off.

He treats Mr. DVD Player like Tommy Chong with a messenger bag full of Acapulco gold, while completely snubbing his closest compadres, Mr. PC, and Mr. Playstation. Neither see a volt of power, and he doesn’t care.

He watches at least 20 episodes of Jerry Springer to teach him perspective: sitting in an apartment in Hull in sweatpants is much better than being on a stage with a mullet getting slapped by the enormously obese transvestite who is humping both your sister and your momma.

He also watches a few episodes of Maury Povitch, which teaches him math: If a woman needs to test 15-20 men who they are “sure” they had sex with on the week they got pregnant, on average, said woman is humping like a thousand cocks a year.

He embarks on a stupid, expensive technical project just because he has the time and some spare cash. Once it’s done he stares at it and realizes that the digital video recorder he built only gets 20 channels to tape from because he will not spend the extra $45 that Comcast demands to release their better channels to him.

He cooks ham, bagel and egg sandwiches, tangerine chicken, and a fully stuffed duck. He makes the stuffing by not really following 2 recipes at the same time, and is amazed at how good it comes out.

He flips the gym the bird, as well as any exercise that doesn’t involve eating or nudity.

While normally averaging more than 1 migraine a week, he gets 0 over the whole vacation.

He swears to his beard that he’s never going back to work, and then accidentally shaves a good portion of it off, nullifying the pledge.

…All allowing him to embark on the path to becoming more human, less cube farm robot like no 1 week vacation ever could.

Posted in #1GF!, Misc., Work