Are you insane? Why would you buy a new car?
Ok, one thing at a time. I’m relatively rational and I always said the same thing, but I have a 1994 Integra with 105,000 miles that I’ve had for 8 years. I thought it was about time.

You had an Integra?
Yep. It was a GS-R with a stainless steel exhaust, 8 lb. rims, and a cold air intake. I have Koni adjustable shocks that I bought a year ago and never installed. Some people who like to lay down when they drive stole it one time and got away with my guitar, which happened to be in the trunk. They didn’t get too far with the car, and I can’t stress the value of Lojack. Oh, and I hope the next owner makes a monster truck out of it and calls it “Integrasaurus.”

When did this come about?
About a month ago, I set out to replace my 1994 Integra after cracking my second rim in six months.

What kind of cars did you test drive.
I think I looked at every foreign sports sedan available: Lexus IS300, Infiniti G35 (coupe and sedan), Mazda RX-8, Subaru WRX STi, BMW 325i, BMW Z3, VW GLi, VW GTi, Acura RSX, Mazda 3, Mazda 6, Acura TSX, and Acura TL

What kind of car did you get?
It’s a 2005 Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution VIII.

What color is it?
Black like my [heart/soul/coffee/wang].

Do you love it?
Teenagers, mechanics, Hispanic males, Asian males, and anyone in a lowered car seems to love it. They stare at it and give me the thumbs up. Personally, I think the car is really dumb looking. It is shaped funny, and has what my sister describes as a “big, dumb wing” that is high enough in the rear window that I use it to block headlights behind me at night. Also, the interior and the radio suck major ass.

So you bought a car that you don’t like?
No. Essentially, I bought an engine with really nice seats. When I first test drove it, I accidentally exclaimed “Oh, shit!” when accelerating from 0-60. It is the most fun that I’ve had the pleasure of driving (present company excluded).

Do you miss your old car?
Yes and no. I love that old car, but it’s still outside, so I can sit in it and make tire squealing noises whenever I want.

Do you drive this car differently than your old car?
I’m not allowed to drive it hard like my old car because of the stupid break in period. Actually, I noticed that I corner hard enough when I drive that I brace my body by putting my knee against the door. I never noticed that I even did this until I got this car and no longer needed to.

Will you donate your old car to [insert charitable organization]?
Before my Integra, I donated my beloved ‘87 Chevy Celebrity to some Jewish organization in Quincy, and the guy called the next day and spent a full 5 minutes yelling at me about the poor condition of the brakes before I hung up on him. I no longer give cars to people I don’t know. Plus there is no real tax break for car donations. So, there.

You had a Chevy Celebrity?
Yep. It was gray with a gray interior and bench seats. It’s best feature was the CB radio and a six foot whip antenna on the rear trunk. I hope someone made a monster truck out of it called “Celebrasaurus.”

Would you recommend the dealer?
Even though they flat out lied about having the car in stock, and forgot to install an option that I paid for, Westboro Mitsubishi went way out of their way to make the deal happen. They even gave me a loaner car for two weeks while I waited for the car to be shipped.

Did you pay a lot for that muffler?
I paid $400 over invoice, but the total price was a lot to me, yes.

How do you negotiate the deal?
Once you decide on a car, go to Edmund’s or Kelly Blue Book and find out the invoice cost of the car you want (including all options) and add $300 to it. Then, in the last week of the month call every dealer in your state and tell them you’re buying [insert car name] today and offer them your price. When they say “no,” thank them and tell them if they change their mind in the next 12 hours to call you. Then, call the next dealer and the next. I did this with 15 dealers, got 5 calls back from dealers that originally said no, and in total, the price of the car fell $4,000. Be rock solid on your price and your time frame, and the dealers eventually fold.

Did you get the floor mats, Mr. Negotiator?
It came with them, so I got them by default.

What about dealing with dealers?
You don’t have to act like an asshole or defensive like they’re going to steal your wallet (don’t leave it on the table though). Be nice, but don’t take one ounce of their shit. Pretend it’s a game. Ask them questions that you know the answers to. If you don’t like a salesman, come back another time. Hover by the door if you are made to wait for more than 5 minutes. Remember: A salesman needs to sell a car worse than you need to buy one. Treat him like a younger sibling that is caught in a lie. And for goodness sake, don’t get caught up in the excitement. Play it cool and always walk out the door. They will call you back.

I hate dealers. How can you even stand them?
Most dealers that I dealt with weren’t assholes. They were mostly bad salesman who didn’t seem to know anything about cars. Most were unable to even estimate extremely basic information like the torque on their models. I must exclude Subaru of Norwood and Acura of Boston, as they were the only two dealers who knew more about their cars than I did. Infiniti was balance between being nice knowledgeable. Mazda on Route 1 had some of the least knowledgeable salesman who were skeezy enough that I actually faked an appointment to avoid test driving their cars and make my exit. And Lexus and BMW salesmen wore gold bracelets and wouldn’t talk to me, so I have no idea what they know, but they treated me like crap.

So, are you going to get a subwoofer, strap some neon under the car, write “Cool Whip” across the front window, and blast Petey Pablo while you krunkin’ at the beach, dawg?
I don’t think so. I always wanted big Chinese letters on my hood that said “White Devil,” but I think it’s just too far to go for a joke. Plus, what is krunkin’, anyway?

Have you gotten your first scratch out of the way, yet?
In a mere 511 miles, I have scratched one of my rims twice by running into the same curb: once on the first day that I had it, and once today.

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