I’ve worked on a project for a number years, building a nice little one man empire of virus fighting with very little return on my investment as far as pay, promotions, or perks. I’ve done such a good job, that there are sites around the world pushing to get me to manage their systems for them. I also am heavy into scripting and have been at the grass roots working on a plan to bring more security to the desktops.

Today, we are faced with a re-org. Today, we are told do more with less. Today, my 1 man global project is mentioned no less than 5 times in a department meeting to discuss top priorities.

Given that I lack the resources to take on all that I would like to, it was proposed that I might gain some resources in the re-org to get me out of the day to day and back into the planning. As I have had various vapor carrots dangled in front of over the years, I truly had my doubts, but I really didn’t expect it to go the way it did: Two of my peers were moved into my group and given staffs of there own, and a good part of what I had been working on was metered between them. Not that they are not capable of the job, or that I have anything personal against them at all. I like them both and have faith in either of their abilities. I’m actually happy for them.

But, with a layoff coming up, and my projects getting metered out, and that even though I was working on these projects, other people got bumped up higher than me to work on them, I have to wonder if I’m expandable. Can they do my job without me? I have to admit that because of the way I have set things up, my job will run satisfactorily for some time with minimal intervention, giving plenty of time for a trainee to figure out the more advanced stuff.

Then, I have to wonder if I’m just some sort of joke. Is my vision of the work that I do different from the way my management team sees it? Do I do my job so well that no one even notices it’s benefits anymore? That can’t be right because of the number of nods my project got as a priority in the meeting. Could it be that the project is important, but not the person running it? Am I merely a big fucking joke?

I feel like one. I really do. I feel like no matter what kind of effort I put in, no matter how well I learn Perl, SQL, or set up the system to protect itself, no matter how nice my tie or shoes are, I’m never going to get the respect, the title, the pay, or the advancement. I can almost say with a complete lack of enthusiasm that in 5 years if I remain in the same environment, I will be in the same place, working with college kids taking orders from former colleagues. And that bothers the shit out of me.

And I can’t seem to get constructive criticism to help me to correct whatever the issues may be, as there doesn’t seem to be anything available that is worth being discussed. If it’s out there, it’s a secret. Maybe it’s that I don’t golf. Or lick balls. Or dress like I stepped on a Brooks Brother’s mine. I innovate, and get nothing but more work to fill the void. A script saves time that will be eaten up by extra work that I can take on because I wrote the script…until someone steps in, takes over the projects, and reaps the benefits. Looking back over the years, it seems to happen to me quite a bit. A hardworking field mule isn’t brought into the dinner table when he works harder. He just gets more work done. And that’s pretty fucking frustrating. And frustration creates a rotten attitude that I’m really not too comfortable harboring.

I hate ranting, especially about work, but I sink a lot of brain power into creating processes that manage themselves. I don’t try to just get it done, I try to get it done better. And honestly, I don’t think that anyone really gives a shit, and it really makes me wonder why I bother.

Anyone looking for someone who is fast on his feet, appreciates engineering processes, and with the experience to architect and run your 20,000 node enterprise virus protection scheme solo, drop me a line. And I am a stranger to reward, so I am easy to please. But please don’t read the rest of the site, as it makes me seem a little bonkers.

Fuck, this was a bad day for me.

Posted in Anger, Work