For Anybody Else
In yesterday’s post, I made an issue of being able to use the word “gay” to refer to things other than homosexual activity with impunity. As I am based in the U.S., I tend to forget our foreign neighbors, and I should have clarified that this argument does not apply to foreign dudes.

Dear straight foreign dudes: Unless you are extremely fluent in English, you should not attempt the use of any of my aforementioned alternative meanings of the word “gay” when visiting the US. I know that on your holiday to the US, you will inevitably find yourself on a quest to bag some of our gum chewing, hair twisting, giantly breasted American females. Unfortunately, given your propensity towards tiny bathing suits and mesh shirts, the unenlightened majority of American women start off with the impression that you are very probably gay already. Let’s not improperly use the term over and over and erroneously convince them.

Using the term to imply that something is just plain ridiculous (like say, Friendster), although completely acceptable to some, may cause you unnecessary headaches with some women. It’s a charged word, and could mistakenly brand you as some sort of homophobe, and subject you to long ass stories about how the woman’s best friend, “Roger” is gay and that she can’t believe that someone would use a term like that in America today bla bla bla. This will leave you to either sit staring at her large American breasts or grab your drink and cut your losses. Either way, your quest has failed.

Whispering in a woman’s ear that you’ll try anything as you are totally gay (meaning immoral) will not give the impression that you are some sort of free wheeling international playboy. Sure, she may give you a playful look and call a “friend that you’re absolutely going to love,” but when Roger shows up, your first American “threesome” will consist of a long, long evening dancing to techno and warding off dudes at “The RamRod.” Once again, your ignoble quest has drawn to a close.

Suggesting that a few beers might make you feel really gay is not going to aid your cause in any way, either. Just say that a few drinks will make you “cheery”. Otherwise, Roger is going to show up 6 beers from now, and if you thought your odds were bad before, the statistics for a drunk man in a mesh shirt getting out of The RamRod before closing are about 20 to 1. The only case that I can think of in which this might work is if the woman you are trying to pick up is named Gertrude and is in the neighborhood of 150 years old. If you suspect that this might be the case, ask the waitress what the specials are. If the list is made up of soft foods, tapioca, and adult diapers you are not in a bar. You are in a rest home. Your quest is officially over. Stop trying to hump grandma and just move on.

So my advice? Steer clear of the word gay altogether unless you are using it in some sort of ruse like “Alzough I am a, how you say, virgeen, I fear zat I may be gay, but I sink zat zee, how you say, most beautiful American woman could use zee large American breasteses to teach me zee love of zee women.”

Good Luck.

Posted in Misc.