Today was the second time that I had to scrape frost from my windshield this season. With the coming of fall, the cold air always makes my mind meander through the past. Yesterday, the air had me skimming across several feelings as they surfaced in my mind : running my hand through my too long, too black hair to get it out of my face and help me think. Having a pack of cigarettes, a small apartment, a 13 inch TV, and a guitar, and being satisfied. Wearing combat boots all year round. Chain smoking because I liked to. Having friends call and say “coming over” and hanging up. Hearing a knock at the door, and opening it while walking away without thinking of checking who it was. Paying for gas with change. Getting high and eating everything that wasn’t nailed down before anyone knew what had happened. Ordering a keg for 5 and wondering if it was enough. Getting to say that I was in a band. Knowing enough people to get myself into places for free. Never, ever, ever, ever, having to plan to go out with my friends. Going to Boston rock clubs on the premise that nine times out of ten I would meet someone I knew. Thinking that there was plenty of time to do whatever it is that I wanted; to become whatever I wanted…

And it was gone.

And I turned to my girlfriend and said, “Fall’s coming.”

And as if trying to convince myself said, “I think I’m excited about it.”

After I let the words escape into the air, they took on a life of their own, convincing me that I was excited about it. At that moment, I realized:

I am not who I was,
I’m barely who I think I am right now, and
what I imagine I will or won’t be in the future is illusory and wholly irrelevant.

All I knew was, in that moment, there was nowhere that I’d rather be. In that moment, I found a modicum of peace.

And a moment like that is what’s important.

Posted in #1GF!, Happy, Philosophical BS