I’m on friendster, and someone sends me a link. When I opened the link, I actually said, “Oh Shit! Nonono,” and hit the back button rapidly several times. Then I had a sour face on like I had eaten some food that was dipped in poop. I didn’t want to play anymore. I didn’t want to find some of my old friends.

It was the ex-wife.

For some reason, I didn’t expect that she was in there, nor did I wish to find her. And as I have been trying to get away from her for years, I have dropped nearly every connection to her just to avoid her. I guess I ignored the very possibility. And there is nothing worse on the human brain than being faced with the impossible.

And this feeling was like a black sheet had been thrown over my day. Things looked bleaker, and and I just pictured me being married to this woman forever like in the Royal Tenenbaums. Then someone mentioned that she was pregnant. That made me laugh, actually. Cheered me right up, because of how absurd my situation had become: the woman who has ruined so many opportunities to dissolve this marriage, actually has a reason to move forward, but hasn’t. I was 4th and inches on calling Jerry Springer.

Anyway, as the day went on, her being pregnant started to bother me. I really don’t give a shit what she does with her life, and go to great pains to avoid her. It’s her life, not ours. It has nothing to do with me, with the exception of a small piece of paper in an office somewhere that says that it does. And that paper is pure bullshit.

The problem was, ugh, and this sucks to say, I found that I wanted to be happy for her. A pregnancy is a lucky thing, and shouldn’t be a negative event. Even though she has done not only rotten things to me, but to my girlfriend as well, I feel like I have to hate her guts. Too many people know the story. Too many people know what she’s done. Too many people offer me support.

I don’t want to be her friend. I don’t want to be in her life at all. But, on a happy occasion, I didn’t want to harbor ill will. I wanted the freedom to just let go. Forget.

And that I can’t sucks. I wish not to forgive, but to just forget. Pretend like it all never happened. But everyone knows the story. Everyone hates her by proxy. And that keeps me in a negative place. I just want her to go away, and be happy. Not be miserable and live in squalor. Just be as happy as I would wish on any other person. But away from me, and Forgotten.

The frustration of the nearly 2 year divorce process, and all the trimmings that go with it, coupled with the anger of other people, helps to keep the anger alive. How can I just let go if it keeps coming up?

One drop of hate, like a single drop of ink in a milk bottle, poisons the soul. It’s true, and I feel it. I’m not a bad guy, and I hate having to feel like one. I want to get the crappy milk out of the fridge without feeling like someone will miss it in there.

I want this:

“Jenn Gibbs is pregnant.”
“Jenn who?”
“Jenn Gibbs.”
“Ooooh, right, her. That’s nice. More tea?”

Forgotten.

Posted in Anger