Made the girlfriend happy. She better be a good girlfriend, and not that skank that you picked up at the 99’s “All you can eat rib night.” This task is involved, takes a shitload of time, and takes a whole lot of will power on your part. For the most part, you’re not going to get a damn thing out of it except a good feeling. Therein lies the key to this process: This is not a give and take. It is purely give. There can be no reciprocation, nor expectation of it.

Don’t let her reciprocate. Got me?

If you go for the reciprocation angle, which I guarantee that any man will be amazingly tempted by within five fucking minutes of seeing their girlfriends with wet hair, you will fuck this entire process up. It takes a long time, but it’s worth it. They will appreciate it. And they will remember it.

1. Make a chair bed (chairs side by side, facing opposite ways) in the bathroom that allows her to hang her head just over the edge of the tub.
2. This is simple: Wash her hair better than any foreign salon guy could.
3. Condition her hair better than any salon guy could.
4. Gently towel dry her hair better than any salon guy would for a member of the opposite sex.
5. Rub her shoulders with no foreseeable end while she reads those stupid articles like “10 Things he wants you to do in bed” and “What sex really feels like for him!”
6. Raid her medicine cabinet for some fruity stinky girly cream (they all have like 50 bottles of it), and rub it on her feet for a while.
7. Rub her head.
8. Brush her hair.
9. Feed her a sundae.

By now you’ve been at this project for hours. If you have done this right, you will be just about going mental from touching her so much, and she will be going mental from you touching her so much. I can just about guarantee that no matter how hard you try to play the no reciprocation angle, she is going to actively overrule you and reciprocate.

on the couch…
and on the floor…
and in the kitchen…
and in the dining room…
and on the counter…
and on the table…

Saturday Night
Joe the New Yorker, the GF, and I all went to Dick’s last resort on Sagadee night. The waitstaff are intentionally rude, typically throwing silverware, place mats, and cups at you. Tables are long, encouraging small groups to form larger and more rowdy groups. Tables are given cloth napkins to wipe hands on and paper napkins to throw. You are also given bread for the same purpose. It’s a hell of a fun place for a guy like me. See, the waitstaff expect you to be shocked by their rude attitudes, but rarely expect annoying and/or rude behavior back. And I am the king of annoying behavior. The king. I threw three waitstaff so far off that they couldn’t continue their rude act.

When the waiter asked whether he could take my plate away, I said, “Sure.” When he actually tried to take them away, I asked him what the fuck he thought he was doing taking my fries before I was done. I did it so angrily, that he got really thrown off and apologetic, rather than being the typical rude bastards that they’re supposed to be. Then, I took back the fries from his pile of dishes, and started barking at him like a dog on crack. A big dog on crack.

Our regular waiter was just was too nice for the Dick’s waitstaff game. We actually knew him from another restaurant that he used to work at, and being as nice as he was, he was easy to throw off, so it wasn’t all that fun. He really tried to slam the silverware down on the table. He did. It just wasn’t in his nature.

The third waitstaffer actually slapped me in the ass with a check booklet and started yelling at me for bumping into her. I rubbed my six foot body down her heavy set four and a half feet, looked at her like a piece of meat, grunted, and chased her around the restaurant looking crazy and making honk honk motions with my hands. Ahh, the role reversal. It’s such a beautiful thing.

Other points of note: There were four bachelorette parties, and a band with three horns and a gift or Stevie Wonder, James Brown, and Earth Wind and Fire. There was also a waiter judiciously doling out Redi-Whip to and on drunken young women. That place is a trip. If anyone wants to go…

Posted in #1GF!