One. Whack your woman on the head and drag her to see Defending the Caveman at the Wilbur Theater. I give it two thumbs up. It’s only there until May 18.

Due. You are a bachelor, thus one of your main food groups is the pasta group. If you are not Italian, you may eat jarred sauce. If you are Italian, you have a guilt complex and pray that the Madonna doesn’t strike you dead when you eat sauce from the jar. Actually, if you are really Italian, you have fifteen frozen quarts of sauce in your freezer. Then again, if you are really, really Italian, either your mother or your wife is making you sauce, and you are in the garden with your nice pants on yelling and a waving you hands at a the goddamma kids on a you lawn.

In any case, you need to go buy cheese for that pasta. Next time, blow off the jarred cheese. Go to the deli, and look for “Parmigiano Reggiano.” It’s about thirteen bucks a pound, and you have to grate it yourself, but you will not believe the difference it makes. Seriously. It takes the typical bachelor meal of pasta, and makes you think that someone made it for you. And that they actually like you. No, no, no, they worship you. And you will enjoy it. Oh, man will you enjoy it.

Three. Make Peanut Butter. Shit, it’s easy. Get a blender. For every cup of unsalted peanuts that you add, put in a half tablespoon of oil, and a quarter teaspoon of salt. The recipe I saw said to use peanut oil, but as a bachelor I really don’t have things like sage, rosemary, pot pourri, and peanut oil just laying around. Neither do you, bachelor boy. And you shouldn’t. You are free to use any type of oil under a forty weight. I used olive. Doesn’t matter. Neither do measuring spoons. Grab a big spoon from the drawer and wing it. It’s peanut butter for chrissakes.

Pour all the crap into your blender, and push one of the middle buttons and let it ride for three or so minutes. If you’re in a tizzy about whether to press whip, chop, blend, or to use the blender’s turbo button, you need to release your feminine side and revisit your hairy, stinky man side. Just push any of the buttons, and come back later. One cup of nuts will make roughly 2 sandwiches: one for you, and one for that chick that is going to be impressed with you for making her a homemade, warm peanut butter sandwich.

If you leave it on the window sill, she may show up eventually…

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