I have been going through this divorce crap for 16 months now. It is amazing to me that someone can drag out a three month process out this far. So far, it has cost hours and hours of prep and thousands of dollars in cash to simply tell someone in a very proper, very legal way that they can go fuck themselves. Tonight, I spent a lovely evening digging up every financial transaction that I have made over the last three years doing preliminary work for a court ordered Rule 410 Discovery related to my divorce a.k.a. The Neverending Story.

Divorces with no children or joint assets should be simple: the parties pay $150 in court fees, sign under ten documents, and within three months, the parties go their separate way. This, my friends, is called a joint, uncontested divorce. What if she won’t sign the papers, Jon? Well, then it becomes a single petition for divorce, which actually takes a little less time to complete than a joint divorce. Well, what If she then decides that she doesn’t feel like signing a settlement agreement that simply says that you have no common assets? Well, then it becomes a contested divorce, and you will spend six months waiting for court date number one, where you must dig up all financial papers from the last three years. Then, you present those and go into a lengthy process called “discovery” where the lawyers get rich by asking each other questions about each parties financials. Then, you go to court again.

Then the judge says, “No kids. No joint assets. What is this all about? Please stop wasting my time.” Then you go home and wait another four months until you are officially divorced.

Even though she cleaned you out, and used you like a mule for her every possible burden for five years, you enjoy going through your financials for no reason. That’s because the sooner you get through them, the sooner you can get this over with. The sooner you have your ducks in a row, you can enjoy shooting hers down one by one. The sooner that discovery begins, the sooner you can watch her metaphorically hang herself.

Then you can walk away ginning ear to ear, no matter what happens.

I was chatting with a female friend in the lobby today, who said “Look at you, Mr. Smilng and Chatting with everyone. What’s the deal?”
“I don’t really know,” I said, “ever since the ex walked out, I have been pretty damned happy. Happy people are social people.”
“You know you were like that before you got married, too,” she continued, “and then it was like shooom! A wall came down and you shut up for five years. I always wondered what happened.”
“Wow. I never really thought about it that way.”

Sometimes I think that my thought processes might not be right, so when people confirm what’s in my head unscripted, it catches me off guard.

Posted in Anger