A few days ago, when asked what he wanted for x-mas, a friend of mine joked that he wanted porno. Uh-huh. I don’t believe that he thought that he would really get porno. Nor did I. He will be getting porno this year.

I figured that I would purchase said pornography from the local adult video store that I pass on the way home from work every day. I put it off every day this week, because everyone knows that porno stores are dimly lit places full of creepy people. There are dudes that grunt, lots of trench coats, and people masturbating on you when you walk by. I figured that I could avoid all that by buying the stuff online, but that would only lead to years of pornographic snail mail all over the front steps. Plus, I really like to face things that I am uncomfortable with. What the hell was I concerned about? Would people think I was some sort of pervert for going to a porn store? Would they think that the videos were for me, and that I was going to run home and masturbate all over them? Would they throw their crucifixes at me?

After the gym, I was pretty sweaty and wearing sweats, thus minus the trench coat, I was exactly the type of bearded freak that I would expect to find in there. Yet, I felt anxious as I drove to the place. I felt even more anxious waiting to take a left into the parking lot. I even contemplated going beyond the store and making a left, just so I could backtrack and make a quick right into the place. Then, I thought, “Why am I concerned about this?”

I sat in traffic, made my left, and pulled in with my license plate and stainless steel exhaust facing the road. If someone saw it, let them come in and get me.

Funny thing is, no one did. The priests refrained from throwing their crucifixes, as they were probably afraid of losing their grip on whatever small boy they were giving “religious training” to. The other traffic just passed on, and no one cared that I was going to the filthy porno store.

So, I walked up to the door of Amazing Video, and there was a sign that said that they were going to card me. Given the fact that I have been mistaken for 38, 40, and an “older person” lately, I doubted that I would be carded, but I didn’t want to risk it. I went back and got my wallet just in case. I was not going to be singled out on my first visit to porno town.

When I walked in, I was faced not with a dimly lit freak show, but a brightly lit friendly store that, minus the porno, could’ve been any video store. The guy behind the counter gave me a friendly “hello,” and didn’t masturbate on me once. The sections were laid out as in a regular video sore, with the exception of the different section titles. Instead of Comedy, drama, showtunes, etc. they have: Collections, Features, Gonzo, Amateur, Interracial, Anal, and Blow Jobs. There were more sections too, but I can’t remember them, and I think there was probably a gay section, too, but I don’t remember seeing that one either.

Thanks to my 4th grade sex ed class, I knew what most of the sections were, with the exception of “Gonzo.” I must admit that I had no idea what “Gonzo” could be. To me, “Gonzo” sounded like there would be naked people on trapezes, punching each other in monkey suits while having sex. I wasn’t exactly sure what the rules of communication in a porn palace were, but I figured that I’d ask the clerk. If talking was against the rules, I was new, and could be forgiven. I could go through the clerk’s complex explanation, but I think that it had something to do with the actors/actresses acknowledging that the camera exists. The regular film industry calls this the “4th person”. Porno says it’s Gonzo. Why? I don’t know. Maybe 4th person is something else entirely in porno. Maybe Gonzo makes people buy videos that they think will contain monkey people punching each other on trapezes. I really don’t have the foggiest.

Upon initially surveying the store, I was faced with a wall…a big wall…a 20+ foot wall…of gigantic neon dildos. From the front of the store, I could make out the giant latex veins on these monsters. There were things that looked like they had nuts, some that looked like they would touch a woman’s lungs, and some that resembled cattle prods. And this was on a quick glance across the store. I can only imagine how intimidating these things are up close. I should’ve gone to take a closer look, but I didn’t want the other freakish porno shoppers to think I was a freak or something, so I just started my hunt for the perfect Christmas porno. Just because it’s a gag gift…doesn’t mean I’m going to grab any porno and run out the door. It’s Christmas, for chrissakes.

Upon walking up and down all the aisles for a half hour, I realized that I don’t know shit about porno. They’re on DVD now, though, and have multiple angles, and all kinds of interactive crap on them. If you are outside of the technology industry, you may not believe this, but the porno industry is actually on the bleeding edge when it comes to technology. They have pioneered the web, and they are pioneering DVD technology. Yet despite our mutual love for the advancement of technology, the industry wasn’t helping me to pick a single porno. Everything looked the same to me.

Then an older lady in a trench coat walked in and bought some stuff. A lady in a porno store? What the? Oh, Wall of dildos, bunch of porno, right. Gotcha. Porno is for women, too. Come to think of it, I think they had a row marked of videos marked “Couple friendly,” too. Wink wink. Nudge nudge. Wait, now I’m creepy. Oh boy.

Anyway, I avoided asking the clerk the asinine question of “How do you know what’s good,” and walked to the top 20 DVDs, stared at them for a while, and picked one out. I think there’s probably sex in it, and there were no hairless dudes on the front, so I think I got a good one. I don’t know if it makes use of multiple angles or any high tech features, though, but I was shopping blind. Blinded by boobies, that is. Haw haw haw. Baw chicka baw baw. Sorry. Creepy again, right?

So, I visited the porno store. One present down, 99% of the time with no anxiety, only 2 trench coats, and no one masturbating. I think it was a successful trip.

Posted in Strange