Half of my head exploded with acute pain for the third time this week. Because I have migraines, I’m used to head pain, and I wouldn’t even bother with this. I’m used to rotten headaches. They happen. A couple of Excedrin and a Coca-cola (a remedy that amuses my doctor), and I can at least function.

But this came on at the start of working out. Three days in a row. Because I’m more susceptible to aneurysms, I was scheduled for an emergency MRI today.

The first thing they do, is make you empty your pockets into a little locker. “Wow, this is just like jail!” I told the nice little lady who was frisking me and telling me not to eyeball her. I guess they make you empty your pockets so your keys don’t jab you in the eye when the giant magnet pulls them out of your pants. Good deal. Then they ask you about shrapnel, and if you have metal in your eyes. I stopped her cold. “Enough questions and sexy talk, warden. Let’s get on with it. Who’s bitch am I going to be?”

I was assigned to some guy who wouldn’t last two days in general population, so I got my shiv ready. Before I could use it, I was in the MRI room.

Man, is getting an MRI cool. You get earplugs, and they lie you on this table, and put a cage over your head. Then, you get sucked into this tube that’s just wide enough for an adult male. A claustrophobic person would lose their mind. It’s tight in there. And I wasn’t supposed to open my eyes, probably because the thing is a huge magnet, and my eyelids are made of a lead/titanium alloy that will protect my eyes from cosmic rays, never mind a stupid magnet. At least that’s what the tech said. Actually, he said “You find this amusing, do you?” as I was grinning ear to ear about getting shoved into this contraption.

I readied my shiv once again, and said “Heck, yes. How often do you get to miss work and get shoved into a tube?” I don’t think he was happy with my level of fear because he shook his head and left the room. (Wow, that’s just like a dentist or something. “Mr. Dyer, we’re going to shoot some cosmic rays into your head, No, no, there’s nothing to worry about, just wear this lead blanket, while I leave the room via the escape hatch.”) If he wanted me to be scared or impressed, he should’ve put the thing in a shark tank and made me swim to it, or maybe he should have made the giant MRI machine appear from out of a giant puff of smoke.

Once you get jammed in there with the cage on your head, the Pac-Man / industrial metal shop noises start. Lots of honking, buzzing, and tweedling. This goes on for 20 minutes, and thene they let you out. I didn’t want to out. I liked it in there. I swear to you that I fell asleep at one point. Mmmm…tube sleep.

Not to be anticlimactic, but nothing was wrong. Because I was asleep, I didn’t move. Because I didn’t move, they got great pictures of my head down to 3 millimeters and found nothing. Cool. Then I went off to another bunch of tests that showed me to be fit as a fiddle. Good BP, no BO, it all checked out. So, for now, I only have to go back for a couple of more tests in a couple of days to make sure that everything is fine.

Posted in Misc.