So, I get involved in this series of e-mails today:

Mr. Pink: So, I’ve been reading your blog, and I realized that these are the type of things that turn up as evidence against people who are mostly described on the news something like “He was quiet and he mostly kept to himself. And then cats started disappearing…”
Me: At least people won’t look at my e-mail theme, and think, “his marriage is sham. He’s kidding himself…”
Mr. Pink: That was a bit hostile, don’t you think? Are you on the “juice”?
Me: You seem a bit sensitive. Are you…nevermind.
Mr. Pink: IT’S AN ESCHER! No one gets me….
Me: Whatever, fancy boy.
Mr. Pink: LISTEN! How much you bench?
Me: Settle down. Your secret is safe.
Mr. Pink: Stay gay.
Ms. Blue: I just read the blog and agree with Mr. Pink - very scared for you and those around you.
Me: I’m done with both of you. Have fun shopping or getting facials or whatever you girls are doing this weekend.
Ms. Blue: Stay Gay. Looks good on you.
Me: I KNOW you’re not talking to me…
Ms. Blue: How do you know?
Mr. Pink: Actually we are going shopping, and we’re going to get you a nice Yankee candle as an anniversary gift.
Me: That was low, but thanks. Just leave it on the porch as I will be at the shooting range practicing…

Do I need this?

The reference to the candle and the anniversary were intentional fouls. One was a reference to my house being burned down a couple of years ago in a fire started by a candle. Throw the flags. No need for instant replay. I’m calling a technical. Revenge is a dish best served cold…

The reference to “How much you bench” comes from my methods of getting rid of telemarketers. If they are women, become the slimiest guy you know, and try to pick them up. Don’t listen to a word of their sales pitch and throw in, “you sound soooo hot” a lot. Be creative.

If it’s a guy, refuse to listen to anything he says until he answers the question:

“How much you bench?”

If he won’t answer, you don’t buy from a guy who doesn’t bench.

If he says it’s unimportant, act as if he just said that breathing is not important. Say, “How can you say that? You better be joking,” through clenched teeth”

If he says, “I don’t know,” ask, “How can you not know?” as if it is ridiculous that he would not know that info.

If he gives an amount, any amount, say “No, seroiusly.” Then go on to debate his lifting technique, and tell him that he could be doing more. Ask if he keeps his back straight. Tell him that he’s probably not getting enough protein and aminos.

If he get’s defensive and asks how much you bench, you say, “Listen buddy, I’ll ask the questions here,” or “Listen buddy, I’m a world champ. I bench two people benching on their benches attached to a big, huge bar like you’ve never seen. And not puny telemarketing people, neither. Big dudes who bench a lot.”

Then make sure that they put you on their no call list before you hang up.

Let me know how it goes.

Posted in #1GF!, Misc.